Spiritual Bypassing

      In a recent post, I mentioned spiritual bypassing.  But what is it?  We are going to examine it from a biblical Christian worldview, though the term was actually popularized in the '80s by psychologist John Welwood (who, himself was a Buddhist leader).  This behavior is a form of abuse and manipulation, and can work into any faith community, by simply adopting (and misusing) that religion's terminology to manipulate others.  Sadly, Christianity is not immune to spiritual bypassing.  As a Bible-believing Christian, I use the definition that spiritual bypassing is a way of hiding behind spirituality or spiritual-sounding practices as a means to avoid confrontation or responsibility.  

     A simple example: Bill loses his temper and lashes out at his friend Joe.  Joe stands up for himself and tells Bill not to talk to him that way.  Bill immediately says, "You're being critical of me!  The Bible says to love others, and all you do is find fault with me!"  Hey! Joe thinks.  Wait a minute!  He was just lashing out at me, and now I'm in the wrong and being critical?  In the confusing moment it takes for Joe to think this, Bill smiles at his friend and says, "Let's pray."  

     Do you see what Bill just did?  He avoided taking any responsibility for how he just treated Joe by spiritualizing everything, concluding with prayer.  He even used a Biblical idea to get his point across.  It should be apparent to all of us that Bill is not actually being godly or spiritual.  He is using godly-sounding words to change the subject and shift the blame for his own sin.  He is counting on Joe to be too taken aback and confused to confront him in the moment.  He takes it as a given that Joe, as a Christian, values the Bible and prayer, so he uses these things as a weapon against him.  This would be an example spiritual bypassing. 

     Bill and Joe are made-up characters for the sake of example.  I found a real-life example at the website Recovering Alumni (if you are interested, I'll give the link at the end of this post).  This is a website for those who were hurt by a particular ministry organization known as Teen Mania.  This ministry has accomplished much good, but many of the teens and young adults who served with them report having experienced emotional and spiritual abuse--and a few even reported physical abuse.  Recovering Alumni's founder put the site together to provide healing, and to help people be able to share their stories, and be able to separate the ministry's abuse from the truth of Jesus and the Bible.  Some who were hurt by this ministry were leaving Christianity, and this person wanted to prevent people's loss of faith.  As a result, he set up the site for people to be able to share and encourage each other.  

     The leadership of Teen Mania (which has since closed down permanently) resented the Recovering Alumni website.  They accused the site's founder of facilitating slander.  In an exchange of emails between the founder and one of the ministry's leadership, this leader continually tells the site's founder that he is gossiping and slandering.  He warned the site's founder that he would give an account for everything said on the site.  He proceeded to downplay some of the hurts that had been expressed on the site, focusing instead on the fact that he saw the site as speaking ill of Christians.  Some half-hearted admissions of irresponsibility were made a few specific times by the ministry leader, but on the whole, he mostly just criticizes the website and minimizes the harm his organization has inflicted.  

     The idea that we will "give an account" is biblical (Romans 14:12).  But look how the ministry leader misapplied it.  The site's founder will not give an account for what someone else says.  He created an online place for people to heal, and be encouraged to continue walking with Christ.  That is a good, honorable thing.  The founder closely monitored the site, but even if people chose to actually slander, that would be on them, not on the godly-minded founder who desperately wanted to help others do right.  Also, the ministry leader misused the idea of gossip and slander.  People sharing their legitimate experiences is neither gossip nor slander.  Sometimes, the truth hurts.  But rather than take real responsibility, the leader of this ministry accuses the site of slander, and warns that they'll give an account.  That actually cuts both ways, but we'll leave that for the moment.  This ministry leader used spiritual bypassing to avoid really examining the legitimacy of what was being said.  

     Have you experienced this phenomena?  Some people practice spiritual bypassing innocently, not really knowing how to solve problems and just throwing out a Christian-sounding phrase they've heard to try to just resolve the issue.  But often, spiritual bypassing is intentional, and the person doing it wants to posture himself over the other person, keeping a hold in his power and ability to abuse.  This is scary, and must be stopped!

     Having served in full-time ministry for much of my adult life (and even back into my teens), I have witnessed a lot of spiritual bypassing.  It is my hope that my experiences can help to validate others, and to help in exposing what this abusive practice looks like and preventing it.  I am going to share three personal examples, and one example from someone close to me.  Each little story is slightly different, so notice how each person used spiritual lingo to avoid responsibility and misdirect attention away from their sin.  Also, the first two examples are of people doing the spiritual bypassing, and the third and fourth example are of leaders facilitating manipulative people, thus causing the spiritual bypassing.  Following this, I'm going to offer some biblical examples and responses, and what you can do if you find yourself being spiritually bypassed.

     Personal example 1: I taught the kids ministry for a women's Bible study group with another woman.  This other woman was difficult for me to work with,  One particular time, she disliked something I had said.  Instead of talking to me privately, and asking for specifics (she hadn't even heard what I said, she was going on falsely-repeated hearsay), she waited until everyone was around, including some of our superiors in this ministry.  With everyone standing around, she proceeded to accuse me very openly.  She was very outrightly confrontational, and it was completely insulting and humiliating.  What she thought I said was very far removed from reality, and she refused to hear me try to explain.  Unlike her, I waited until we were alone, and I told her I hadn't appreciated how she had chosen to confront me, and I went on to show her Matthew 18, where Jesus gave the right way to confront someone (which she had completely avoided).  Her response should have been an apology, or at least a discussion about what happened.  Instead, she told me, "Satan is using you to attack me!"  She didn't want to take responsibility for how she had misjudged what I had said, confronted me publicly without talking to me privately, and refused to hear me.  Instead, she wanted to blame me, and Satan.  Just like many who practice this abusive technique, she banked on me being so taken aback by this response that she was able to move on without taking responsibility.  

     Personal example 2: In one particular relationship I had with a young man I met while doing ministry (long before I was married), this guy was over-the-top with his sexual innuendoes and references to us being married.  He had emotionally taken me on a ride, but he was becoming distant, and I really needed to know where I stood.  I told him how I felt, and asked his intentions.  He denied ever being interested in me at all, and then told me, "God is Sovereign."  When I brought up the various ways he had communicated much more that friendship to me, he just stuck with "God is Sovereign."  Well, thank you, Mr. Theologian!  By stating a truth about God (that He is Sovereign) he was denying any responsibility for his words and actions, and placing it at God's feet, since God is Sovereign.  He used a true statement to avoid taking responsibility.  He knew I couldn't disagree with the idea of God being Sovereign, so he figured that would let him off the hook for his sin.  

     Personal example 3: One mission trip I served on had me in Zambia, Africa for six weeks.  One of my teammates was a very manipulative young woman.  She nitpicked everything I said or did, constantly.  If I ever reacted in any way or even asked her to stop, she would have a fit and make it my fault.  Because no one wanted to deal with that, I was expected to just allow her to mistreat me, and if I didn't, I was the bad one in everybody else's eyes.  She started fights about everything.  Literally anything was fuel for an argument.  One particular time, she criticized how I was peeling potatoes.  I told her that if she didn't like the way I was doing it, she could do it herself . She replied, "No!  I want you to do it, but I want you to do it the way I say!"  No subtlety there as to her agenda!  I stood up and met her gaze.  "Look!" I said, but she screamed and ran away before I could say more.  She went into hysterics, involving everyone in the house.  She accused me of trying to stab her with the knife I had been using (and it was just a butterknife!).  This led to a huge lecture to me (not her) from our host missionary family (who were Zambian nationals) about how we all needed to learn to love each other more.  That sounded like a very spiritual idea, but that was spiritually bypassing the fact that she had criticized me and bullied me when I was minding my own business helping get dinner ready.  No one was talking about that.  And in this case, you'll notice that the perpetrator didn't even do the bypassing, but our host missionary did.  Sometimes, leaders don't want or know how to solve problems, so they just give an easy answer that sounds spiritual, and this, too, is spiritual bypassing.  

     My time that summer (and the way authority figures dealt with this) really reminds me of a humorous but telling short scene from the Peanuts special Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown.  Pictured below is a still from the scene.  You can watch the two-minute scene here.  As you do, notice the way Peppermint Patty criticizes Charlie Brown, how he tries to ignore her and put up with it for a while, and and how, when he finally responds to her, they both get in trouble.  This is a perfect example of how this teammate got me into trouble all summer.  It got to the point that I stopped speaking unless I had to.  Really do watch this short scene, because it rally illustrates what I'm talking about, but after you do, return!  I'm not done!  I haven't heard your stories (please share!), and I haven't given you the solution yet!  If you want to wait until the end to watch it, I'll also put the link at the bottom of this post.  

     Family member's example:  Remember how I said spiritual bypassing can be done more innocently?  Even when that is the case, it is just as hurtful.  When my little sister was a child in our church's AWANA club, she had recited a lot of verses and earned "AWANA bucks."  This was pretend money children could use at the "AWANA store" to buy toys, books, candy, and other fun things.  They had the store every few weeks.  One particular night of the AWANA store, my sister had all her hard-earned dollars.  Another little girl showed up, who hadn't remembered to bring hers.  She was upset (understandably), but instead of just telling her to keep saving up for the next store night, one of the well-intentioned teachers made my sister give this girl her money to buy something.  The teacher told my sister that if she did, she'd get treasures in Heaven.  This other little girl took total advantage of the situation, and used all of my sister's money, so my sister (who had learned all those verses and rightfully earned those AWANA bucks, and been responsible enough to remember to bring them for store night) didn't get anything.  The teacher just appeared to be pleased to have taught my sister to do a kind deed.  I believe the teacher's heart was right, but her brain was truly missing!  She spiritualized the situation by telling my sister that she'd get treasures in Heaven, and the other little girl was given free reign to take advantage, rather than take responsibility that she had forgotten to bring her AWANA bucks.  Christian teachers and leaders must guard against this kind of spiritual bypassing.  It is very hurtful to the victim.  

     How have you been spiritually bypassed?  I'd love to hear your stories and examples.

     Some other quick examples are people using phrases like, "You need to take the plank out of your own eye!"  (this is a reference to Matthew 7:5, where Jesus urges people to make sure their lives are right before they try to help someone else with their problems), "You need to love your neighbor more!"  "Don't judge."  "We're all sinners."  "We all need God's grace."  "Nobody's perfect."  or many other phrases.  Some might involve God Himself by saying, "Well, God called me to such and such," so you're set up to blame the Almighty instead of the person!  That's covering their bases!  On one particular mission trip, I had a sweet teammate whose only real fault was laziness.  I ended up doing the bulk of the work.  When I asked for help, she would say God hadn't called her to do this or that.  Really?  God called her to go on this trip, but didn't call her to do any of the work?  How convenient!

     A more sinister example might be someone claiming God told them something that He did not in order to manipulate you.  A woman once told me God had told her a secret about me (note that this was right after I had put down a boundary with her, not allowing her to manipulate me.  How interesting God should choose to tell her a secret about me right then!--note my sarcasm!).  

     On the whole, though, many of these phrases I've mentioned are true statements, some taken directly out of the Bible, and in their proper context, there is nothing in the world wrong with them.  They're only wrong when used out of context to avoid dealing with a real problem.  

     Is spiritual bypassing a made-up modern psychological problem?  No.  There were examples in scripture of people misusing truth to avoid taking responsibility.  A few examples come to mind.  In Genesis 3, when God confronted Adam of his sin of eating the forbidden fruit, Adam did a little spiritual bypassing with God!  In verse 12, Adam says, The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.  (Bold, underlined emphasis mine).  He was trying to avoid blame by reminding God that He put the woman there.  Hmm.  That didn't work so well for Adam.  

     Several chapters (and generations) later in Genesis, we have the story of Jacob and Esau.  In order to steal Esau's blessing, Jacob disguises himself like his twin brother to fool his blind and aging father Isaac (chapter 27).  But Isaac is no fool.  He questions several times if this is really Esau.  Among other things, he asks how he had gotten the food for him so quickly (as he had sent Esau out to hunt for a savory meal).  Jacob spiritually bypasses Isaac's misgivings by telling him in verse 20, The Lord your God gave me success.  Bringing God into it is supposed to satisfy Isaac, which is bypassing.  This led to family strife and changed the trajectory of Jacob's life!  

     King Saul was a spiritual bypasser.  In First Samuel 15, he disobeys God's command to wipe out the Amalekites, keeping their king Agag and several of the animals alive.  When confronted by Samuel, Saul starts the conversation by blatantly saying The Lord bless you! I have carried out the Lord’s instructions.  (verse 13).  Like Jacob in Genesis 27, he uses the Lord's name to lie, to bypass his own sin.  When Samuel refuses to accept Saul's lie, Saul blames others.  In verse 15, and again in verse 20, he blames other people for his failure to fulfill God's command.  Yet verse 9 specifically puts this as Saul's decision, so we know his explanation is another lie.  In verse 15, the reason he gives for keeping the animals was to sacrifice to the Lord.  Spiritual-sounding reasons for disobedience.  More bypassing.  In verse 20, he is still blatant enough to say that he did obey the Lord!  It isn't until verse 24 that he acknowledges his sin, but even then, he continues to blame others.  In verse 30, he acknowledges his sin again, and his true colors show, because he begs Samuel, But please honor me before the elders of my people and before Israel; come back with me, so that I may worship the Lord your God.  Saul only really cared about being honored in front of others.  But he bypasses this by saying he wants to worship the Lord.  

     The Pharisees were major spiritual bypassers in their interactions with Jesus.  There are many examples in the gospels, but I'll just share one instance for the moment.  In John 8, they had a confrontation with Christ.  Jesus bested them, but they didn't want to face it.  In verse 32, Jesus makes the oft-quoted statement that the truth sets us free.  Rather than acknowledging that they needed to be set free, the Pharisees bypassed their need by saying in verse 33, We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?  They weren't asking out of a real desire to know.  They were bypassing.  Jesus goes on to explain that sin has enslaved them, but they reiterate in verse 39, Abraham is our father.  When Jesus very logically points out that they are not behaving like Abraham, they change their story more and say, The only Father we have is God himself (verse 41).  Again, Jesus pulls their cover and tells them that they are not exemplifying someone who is God's child.  They still can't face the truth about themselves, so they spiritually bypass again and tell Jesus in verse 48 that He is demon-possessed (and reiterate this accusation in 52)!  The encounter ends with the Pharisees trying to kill Jesus, but Him evading their clutches for the time being.  These men were spiritually bypassing the truth Jesus was trying to give them.  

     Later in the New Testament, we get a hypothetical picture of spiritual bypassing in James 2:15-16.  The example is given that a fellow believer is needy, and instead of doing your Christian duty, you just tell them to be blessed.  As verse 16 concludes, what good is that?  Encouraging them to be well and good is spiritually bypassing what God is actually calling you to do for this fellow Christian.  It fails to exemplify true faith.   

     Jesus makes it very clear that spiritual bypassing doesn't have a good result for us.  In Matthew 7:21, He warns, Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven... Some people who pray and talk about the Lord and say spiritual things may not really be saved, because, like the Pharisees in John 8, they failed to see their need of salvation and embrace Christ as Savior.  Matthew 7 continues in verse 22 saying, Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’  These people said and did all sorts of spiritually-sounding things, but they bypassed the truth.  Here is what Jesus will say to them, I never knew you.  (verse 23).  These people were never really saved.  They spiritually bypassed salvation.  While many people who spiritually bypass might not really be saved (as evidenced by this passage), some actual Christians have also gotten into spiritual bypassing.  They haven't bypassed salvation, but they bypass the truth of God's conviction in their lives as believers, and they don't grow in grace.  They don't fulfill God's purpose for them.  In this case, Jesus won't say He never knew them, but they will not have any treasures in Heaven.  First Corinthians 3:15 says these people yet will be saved--even though only as one escaping through the flames.  Salvation isn't lost, but their heavenly rewards are.  Don't bypass the truth.  Face it.  Listen to it.  Align your life and actions with it.  Agree with God.  

     What are we to do with spiritual bypassing, both in our lives and in the lives of those around us?  King David gives us some good advice about that.  In Second Samuel 11, David committed adultery, then committed murder to cover it up.  In chapter 12, Samuel's faithful prophet friend Nathan came to confront him.  After Nathan finished speaking, David's only response was I have sinned against the Lord. (verse 13).  Unlike King Saul, David made no excuse for his sin.  He acknowledged it, and was able to experience forgiveness (verse 14).  We see a contrite heart and example in Psalm 51 (written by David after this event).  After asking for God's mercy in verses 1-2, David goes on in verse 3-4 to say, For I know my transgression, and my sin is ever before me.  Against you, and you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.  He is humble and sincere in admitting his sin to God, and repenting.  He isn't making excuses.  He doesn't minimize it.  He calls it evil.  He isn't using spiritual-sounding words to bypass dealing with this.  He is honest with himself and with God. In fact, verse 6 says, Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being...  According to King David, the way to avoid spiritual bypassing is to be honest with yourself, others, and God.  When you are wrong, admit it, and make it right as soon as possible!  If you are keeping short accounts with God and others, you won't have an ego to bruise when you're confronted, and you won't need to resort to spiritual bypassing to manipulate others!

     What if you are being spiritually bypassed by someone else?  Follow Jesus' example of John 8.  This might be a good passage to study and meditate on.  Jesus kept His story straight, even when the Pharisees kept changing theirs.  He stated truth, regardless of their response.  He used logic.  He wasn't unkind, but He didn't back down.  A good example of someone more recently doing this is the founder of the Recovering Alumni website in his correspondence with the ministry leader who kept accusing him of gossip and slander.  In that instance, after a while, the ministry leader just stopped responding.  It appears that he didn't really have answers.  You won't win everyone over, but you might win some (some Pharisees later ended up as Christians, including the Apostle Paul).  Not only that, but you can avoid being manipulated by those who want to spiritually bypass.  

     Remember what Jesus said.  The truth will set you free!  

You can watch the two-minute scene from Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown here.

The link to the Recovering Alumni website is here.