From the Bible Belt to You

      This is a rare post where politics and biblical view collide.  I try very hard to keep this blog about Christian topics, that can help everyone's walk with Christ, but sometimes, these things intersect with daily living, and this is one of those times.  

     "My governor's kind of a wimp," I told them, forcing the Arkansas accent I don't actually possess, but have been able to mimmic after living here a while, "but your governor is a tyrant!"  I loved the way the word "tyrant" rolled off my tongue with the forced Southern accent.  

     I was under cover, in a sense.  I was visiting my home state of California, after living out of it for some time.  Over the last seven years, my husband and I have lived in South Dakota, New Mexico, Texas and Arkansas.  We have been in Arkansas over three years, and have no plans of leaving.  

     We were in California in December of 2021.  During that time in Arkansas, Covid restrictions had lessened quite a bit.  Masks were not mandated (though many were choosing to wear them).  In California, on the other hand, masks had just been re-mandated (though almost no one wore one--even less wore them than in Arkansas, where it was not required!), and some cities even required people to show proof of vaccination to enter restaurants or stores (we avoided these cities, because we refuse to discuss our medical decisions and information with anyone besides our doctor).  I wondered what my fellow Californians really thought of this.  In grocery stores, and other places I went during our time in California, I would strike up friendly conversations with people around me.  I told them the true story that I was visiting from Arkansas for the holidays.  What I didn't tell them was that I was originally from California myself.  I played the part of a shocked Southerner, completely affronted by their governor's requirements.  This was the moment of truth.  What would Californians tell me?  

     "I agree!"  Would be the most common answer.  "I'm a Republican.  I didn't vote for him.  I helped try to impeach him.  He's just too slippery for us."  

     This is the last I'll say about California's governor.  That isn't my point here.  The results of my experiment on this trip told me a few things.  The people I met in California were not on board with the leftist approaches.  They were not complying with mask mandates, and practically everyone told me they disapproved of the governor and had hoped to impeach him.  In other words, these people were average, normal Americans who felt their rights were infringed upon, just like people in Arkansas, and most other states I've lived in. 

     I grew up in California.  Being gone so many years, I'm not sure if I still count as a Californian (I am an Arkansas driver, voter and tax payer), but California is where I'm from.  My whole life, I was told by youth pastors and other Christian leaders how bad our state was.  They would talk longingly about the Bible Belt (which they considered the other 49 states besides California).  They told us that in these other states, people didn't cuss or do the middle finger, and people never slept together before marriage, and nobody had to lock their doors, because crime basically didn't exist.  Everyone went to church and did the right thing.  Nobody even drove above the posted speed limit.  People were kind to their neighbors, and had them in for coffee and just passed the time chatting.  They made it sound as if the rest of the country lived like Little House on the Prairie.  I knew that we lived in a wonderful neighborhood, where we all helped each other and were friends, so I figured that in other states, they must be absolutely amazing.  To a lesser degree, these same Christian leaders also put down our country, lamenting that we had strayed so far from our founding father's desires, and from God's.  This inadvertently made me think the rest of the world was following God, and our country was the only one with really bad sins in it.  

     My first major trip outside of California, I was molested by a young man supposedly from the "Bible Belt" and this offense even happened in the Bible Belt (the real Bible Belt, not just what Californians thought was the Bible Belt).  My first trip out of the United States was much the same, with being violated and humiliated by a lot of non-Californians and non-Americans I had been led to believe were practically perfect.  My Christian leaders who made these statements had failed me and created an illusion about people from other states and countries.  

     It is easy for Conservative Christians in places like California (or New York or other more liberal states) to lament and long for the Bible Belt.  They could look at a state like Arkansas.  From the outside, Arkansas appears to be everything California is not.  There is a Conservative supermajority politically here.  And yet a closer look will reveal that all is not as it seems on the surface.  Our Republican Party here is so corrupt.  Part of the reason our party has a supermajority is because our state party refuses to limit our elections to only Republican running.  A registered Democrat (or Green Party, Libertarian, etc) can run on the Republican ticket, and they often do.  Many of our leaders are not true Conservatives, even though we are a Red State.  We also have refused to close our primary elections, which means people of other parties can vote in our primaries and elect left-leaning candidates running as Republicans.  My husband recently tried to address this with some state senators, and when he politicly asked them why they don't believe in closing our primaries, they cussed him out, without giving a real answer.  There is a lot of corruption.  It isn't what it looks like from the outside.  There is a war going on in our party between these left-leaning Republicans and those of us who call ourselves true Patriots.  Walter and I personally have battle scars from some of this (see my post Handling Master Manipulators, July 28, 2022).  We are fighting the same battles Conservatives are fighting in California and New York.  It goes by different names, but the battle is the same.  

     Here are some basic truths:

     * The states considered to be included in the Bible Belt are pretty much limited to the states included in the Confederacy during the Civil War (see map below).  

     *According to Pew Research, Oregon has the lowest percentage of professing Christians, but the number is still overwhelmingly high, with 76% of Oregonians professing Christianity.  

     *Conversely, Oregon leads the country in non-religious residents, but that total only comes to 18% of the state's population.  

     *While Utah is often considered to be one of the most Christian states, these studies that find this include Mormonism with Christianity.  Utah actually has the lowest percentage of Protestant Christians in the nation, with only 13% of Utah residents identifying as Protestants.  

     *It is very important to note that just because someone identifies as Christian does not mean he or she is a real born-again Child of God according to the Bible.  By the Bible's definition, true Christians would be in the minority in all 50 states (while professing Christians are in the majority in all 50).  

     *Louisiana has the highest sales tax in the country. 

     * New Jersey has the highest property tax in the nation.  

     *Alaska has the highest violent crime rate in the nation, followed by New Mexico, Tennessee, Arkansas, Arizona, Louisiana, Missouri, South Carolina, South Dakota, and Michigan (three of those are states I've lived in, and we got our home broken into in South Dakota).

     *All 50 states have solid, Bible-believing Christians, churches, and ministry efforts.  You would find likeminded people in any one of these states.

     *All 50 states have hidden expenses that unfairly gouge residents (here in Arkansas, you have to pay property taxes on your car!).

Here are a few personal observations:

     *The only place we've lived where we had our home broken into was South Dakota.

     *Our auto insurances was highest in New Mexico than any other state we've lived in.

     *Our living expenses were highest in Texas.

     *Our taxes are the highest here in Arkansas.

     *It is tremendously harder to do ministry in the Bible Belt than in other states.  We run into people who believe they are Christians just because they were born in Arkansas, and are totally affronted when confronted with their need of salvation.  We also have a much harder time getting churches here to partner with our ministry, because churches are a lot more autonomous here.  They have their own programs already, and aren't interested in our ministry.  We have even had some get offended with us, thinking we're trying to "steal the show" so to speak.  I never ran into this in California or the Midwest doing evangelism.  

Here are some spiritual truths:

     *Nowhere on earth is perfect, because creation is under the curse brought on by the fall (Romans 8:19-22).  It will one day be restored, though (Revelation 21:5).

     *Human nature causes all the trouble, and anywhere you find people, you'll find the trouble you're trying to escape (Romans 3:10, 23).  

      *Sometimes, like Abram in Genesis 12, we are called to leave where we're at to a new place, but other times, we are right where we belong and need to bloom there (First Corinthians 12:18).  Like Esther, you may be at the exact place you are For such a time as this (Esther 4:14).

     *Rather than complain about evil, we should be winning the lost to Christ, wherever we find ourselves (Acts 1:8).

     *Wherever you live (Red State, Blue State, communist regime, godless society, Islamic nation--whatever), if you are a Christian, You are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14).

     *Your hope is in Jesus and your forever home in Heaven, not in finding a better place to live on earth (First Peter 1:3-5).

     *Jesus has overcome the trials faced in this life (John 16:33).

     *Jesus has chosen you out of this world, along with people from every state and nation (John 15:19, Revelation 7:9-10).

     *Your real enemies are not the human officials governing where you live.  They are the spiritual forces of wickedness (Ephesians 6:12).

     *You live where and when you do by God's Sovereign design (Acts 17:26-27).

     Everything I was told and believed about my home state was a lie, and set me up for failure and hurt.  Don't believe the untruths being perpetuated that people are genetically superior in the Bible Belt (or anywhere else).  There is sin everywhere.  There is corruption everywhere.  No border can keep it out, because it begins in the human heart, and this has been the case since Genesis 3, when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and brought all of creation down with them.  

     If you think leaving your home state is the right answer for you, then do it, but don't leave expecting to find Little House on the Prairie in other states.  Don't look for your utopia on earth.  Follow God's will and leading for you.  Recognize you can't take a break from being in the battle between Good and Evil.  One thing I will say about less "Christian" areas is that believers often face the choice much sooner, and examine their faith, realizing it is worth believing and suffering for.  In Bible Belt places, there is a false sense of security.  Some of the finest Christians I have met are from less "Christian" areas.  

     Go with God.  Go in his peace, strength and might.  This world (every corner of it) needs what you have to offer!  Go take a chance and share Jesus with people who need Him so desperately!  You won't be sorry.  When you are standing before God one day at the Judgment Seat of Christ, you won't lament that you weren't from the Bible Belt.  You'll rejoice if you stood for Jesus, wherever you were.  

Counting the Cost

      Jesus told us to count the cost (Luke 14:28-33).  Sometimes, that's hard to do, because we don't know all the variables that could possibly happen as the result of a given decision.  We can just do our best with God's help.  This was something Jill Duggar Dillard discovered in her life, and covered in her new book Counting the Cost, written with the help of her supportive husband Derick Dillard.  I found this book interesting and encouraging, and I'd like to interact with it.       

     Jill is the fourth child (and second daughter) of the famous Duggar family, who rose to fame for having 19 children.  The Duggars had their own reality TV show from 2008-2015, and then, a spin-off series focusing on the adult children from 2015-2021.  Both shows were eventually cancelled due to the oldest child Josh Duggar's misdeeds.  Josh Duggar is currently serving a sentence in a federal prison after being found guilty of child porn.  This was the last of many misdeeds perpetrated by Josh Duggar.  

     Jill shares about growing up in a very loving family.  As I read, I really found myself liking her parents, Jim-Bob and Michelle.  Over the years, I have disagreed with several things they have said and done, so I wasn't really sure how I felt about them, personally, but Jill's first-hand account of growing up under their roof revealed loving, caring parents who really wanted what was best for their children.  They started out in good faith.  

     Jill shares what it was like growing up in a large family with ultra conservative values.  It didn't take long for her to see that other people weren't like their family.  From their family's size, to the rules they had to follow (no dancing, etc.),  to the way they dressed, they were different.  Jill recounts a time her family went on vacation to the beach.  They were having a wonderful time, but Jill felt self-conscience in her long skirt and long sleeves, when those around them were wearing swimsuits.  A girl about Jill's age at the time asked her straight out why she was dressed like that at the beach.  Not sure what to say, Jill finally answered that they hadn't planned on going to the beach, and didn't bring any other clothes with them.  

     Jill continued to be aware that they were different.  Even the church they attended for a while didn't adhere to her family's convictions, and they eventually left and joined a much stricter home church group.  It wasn't until her family started getting involved in Bill Gothard's Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP) that she met families more like her own.  It was validating.  She talks about certain "model" families in the IBLP, who were picture perfect and did everything "right" by those standards.  These families obeyed all the modesty rules in dress, and had many children, all of whom appeared perfectly happy and well-behaved.  These families would be invited up at IBLP conferences to do a musical number (IBLP approved music, of course).  

     While Jill recounts coming to new Christian convictions in her life as a married woman, she respects her parents, and the integrity of what they wanted for their family.  She describes her mother as very sweet and loving, and her father much the same.  She had a special place in their hearts, and they called her their "Sweet Jilly Muffin."  

     Jill's father, Jim Bob Duggar, spent four years in Arkansas' House of Representatives.  Following this, he had an unsuccessful run for US Senate.  What surprised me is that Jill shared that he tried to confirm if running for Senate was God's will by flipping a coin.  I wasn't expecting that.  When he didn't win, he didn't really understand why he had felt called to run, but he found what he believed to be the answer a short time later.  On election day, the Duggar family had gone to the polls together, all dressed alike.  They were photographed, and the picture was printed in the New York Times.

     This attention led to the family having the opportunity to be filmed in a few TV specials, and eventually getting a weekly reality TV show.  Jim Bob saw this as a "window of opportunity" and a "ministry."  This was where Jill sees a breakdown occurring in her family's integrity.  Her family really saw this as a chance to reach people with Christian values.  It appears that Jim Bob started having delusions of grandeur after a while.  Initially, the family's party line was basically to say they were thankful for the opportunity, but would be just as happy if the show was gone tomorrow, but later on, Jim Bob fought tooth and nail to keep the show.  Jill mentions a conversation her dad had with a friend, who challenged Jim Bob that God could call someone to reach out to one person instead of a crowd, and Jim Bob disagreed, acting as if this TV ministry was the only way to serve.  Jill overheard this and was very sad, believing her father was wrong.  She thought of times in the Bible Jesus left the crowd to reach the one the Father was drawing.  I was impressed with Jill's ability to draw biblical parallels in forming her own convictions.  Jumping forward a little bit, Jill and her husband Derick ended up being missionaries in Latin America for a while, and Jim Bob told them that their ministry wasn't as important as the show, because it wasn't reaching as many people.  This really hurt them, and again, Jill saw the error in his thinking on this.  

     Jill doesn't go into much detail about her brother Josh's molesting her and her sisters.  That was a humiliating situation for her, and she was grieved the private record was made public in 2015.  Jill shares about how their family was humiliated by this revelation of Josh's misdeeds.  Josh was asked to step down from his job at the Family Research Counsel in Washington, DC.  The family met up in Oklahoma to hide from the press for a few days.  Josh was making jokes about the situation, and Michelle Duggar reprimanded her son for being arrogant, reminding him that his sin started the problem.  It was at this time Jill started having flashbacks and nightmares about the original abuse from Josh.  In order to help her family save face, Jill felt obligated to do an interview on Fox News with Megyn Kelly, defending Josh and talking about how this issue with him was dealt with long ago and was in the past.  Jill's sister Jessa (another victim) joined her.  The book revealed that Josh was sitting just off camera while they were interviewed, and it was a very uncomfortable situation.  Jill wasn't technically asked to do it, she volunteered, but there was pressure from the family to cover for Josh.  The aim was to help save the show.  She really regrets this now.  Jill was a newly married woman at this time, and she was still under pressure from her parents.

     Jill shares about meeting and marrying Derick Dillard.  As long as I have followed their story, I have had a lot of respect for Derick, and for them as a couple.  Derick has a good head on his shoulders, and a deep Christian foundation.  I enjoyed their love story.  Derick had asked Jim Bob to be a prayer partner while he served on a mission trip to Nepal.  Jill came into contact with Derick through her father, and they talked through video chat.  The show wanted to do an episode where Jill and Derick met in person, so they financed a trip for Jim Bob and Jill to go to Nepal.  They were there two weeks, but the show was only filming during the first week.  They did a fake goodbye for the camera, but Jill got to spend more time with him (under Jim Bob's supervision, of course).  It was in Nepal that they officially began courting, and their relationship continued after Derick returned to the states.  Their relationship was strongly chaperoned by Jill's family.  Jill shares a situation where she and Derick were sledding in the snow in front of the Duggar house, when Michelle came out and told them they weren't allowed to be on the same sled together.  Derick was confused at first, not even realizing she was addressing them.  They got married in a beautiful, televised wedding.  

     Jill and Derick share their journey into implementing healthy boundaries with Jim Bob and Michelle, along with their time doing mission work in Latin America.  They share about forming their own convictions, using scripture.  Jill talks about recognizing some of Bill Gothard's teachings (particularly about authority) are wrong and unbiblical.  Years ago, I had attended IBLP's basic seminar, and the authority teaching was what I had the biggest issue with myself, so I agree with Jill.  What they convey in this book is their growth in grace (Second Peter 3:18).  They clearly love the Lord and are seeking His leading in their decisions.  Their implementing boundaries have caused family strife, and Jill is honest about these problems, including their own mistakes.  They have gotten counseling to try to work through their own issues with her family.  They talk like very healthy people who have examined themselves and made their part right.  They are actively working toward healing with Jim Bob and Michelle.  They do not speak meanly or disrespectfully about them, though they tell the truth.  

     One thing Jill said that I thought was profound was that it is harder to live a balanced Christian life than to live in legalistic extremes.  That is so true.  Sometimes, living in culty legalism (like Bill Gothard's IBLP) kind of gives a guideline, so you don't have think as much.  But walking by faith is more work, and the Dillard family is learning this.  I really enjoyed reading about their journey of faith.  I have respected Jill and Derick for a long time.  

     I am going to briefly compare this book to Jill's sister Jinger Duggar Vuolo's book, Becoming Free Indeed, which I reviewed earlier this year.  Both Jill and Jinger are using the Bible to determine what they believe, and which parts of their childhood teachings to let go of.  I commend both of them. I found I liked Jill's book better.  Jill is theologically closer to where I'm at (she and Derick are part of the same denomination Walter and I are, so there is bound to be more similarities).  Jinger is part of a church in California that I have some theological differences with, including that they don't believe God speaks to us today, or gives specific guidance in our lives.  In fact, when I used to do evangelism classes in the San Fernando Valley, people from the church Jinger is now at used to come and hassle me and theologically attack me, and I have some real problems with the pastor of this church, and I had to wrestle with some theological curve balls thrown at me.  This was a major part of my young adult life, and it is very personal to me.  For more info on that, you can look at my blog post Free Indeed, from January 31, 2023.  

     I give Jill and Derick Dillard kudos on their courage in sharing their journey.  I really think their book can give people encouragement in comparing what they believe to what the Bible actually teaches, and following God's guidance in their lives.  I give this book 5 stars!  You can order it here, and I hope you do!  

Peacemakers

      Another person (let's say it's another Christian) has really hurt you.  Maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally.  You try talking to them, and that gets you nowhere.  You go to your pastor, or other Christian leadership, and they just tell you to take the plank out of your own eyes and forgive the person.  But the person continues to repeat the detrimental behavior.  You don't want to, but you can't help feeling resentful toward them, and it is a strain to be around this person.  Yet no matter what you do, you are told to examine yourself and make it right.  Maybe a well-meaning leader even told you that you should just apologize for everything, just to bring peace.  Is this right?  

     Another thing I often hear (I have heard it this week, in fact) is that after a certain amount of time has passed, it's just over, and if you aren't over it, you're being petty (even if no resolution or working it through has happened).  Things don't magically disappear.  There may be times you choose to overlook a wrong done to you, but even then, you need to work through it within your own heart with God's help before you can effectively forgive and move forward from it.  Nothing just disappears because enough time has passed.  And if it causes resentment and an inability to continue working with this person, resolution is needed, regardless of how long it has been since the offense happened.  

     There is so much bad information floating around about conflict resolution, and I have found Christians to often be the least equipped for it.  I think this is because we want to be gracious and kind, which is a good thing.  Unfortunately, not everyone is gracious and kind.  Not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.  A lot of times, the way Christian leaders handle conflicts just gives abusive people the green light to continue, and makes godly and mature people ashamed.  

     I have heard the whole spectrum of responses to conflict.  One pastor vehemently said it was a sin to ever confront anyone, and if you ever do, it means what happened was really your fault to begin with.  Can you see how false this is?  This would mean innocent children are responsible for abuse they receive because they told someone about it or tried to fight off the abuser.  It would mean the allies in World War II were really responsible for the Holocaust, because they fought to stop Hitler and the Nazis.  It would mean police officers who pull over drunk drives and give them a ticket are really the ones who were drinking and driving.  That just doesn't work!  I believe the pastor who said this was trying to keep himself above accountability and confrontation.  I did not attend his church, but he spoke at a camp I served at (and I didn't know it then, but my husband Walter was a member of his church before I knew him).  On Walter's and my first date, I found out he had sat under this pastor, and I asked what he thought of him, and he replied, "The man's a jackass!"  I knew I was in love with Walter at that moment!  Walter had been the victim of this man's assigning blame.

     Other Christian leaders have had a softer version of the same response. It often says to look to yourself and fix what's wrong with you, and that will fix the problem.  This would only work if you are 100% at fault.  Now, it is true that we should examine ourselves before the Lord (Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts.  And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Pslam 139:23-24).  We should make our part right (So if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.  Matthew 5:23-24).  Sometimes, allowing God to convict and change us does change our perspective on the situation.  But no person has enough power to fix a situation singlehandedly (unless, as I said, he is the only one at fault, which is rare).  A lot of times, all this "look to yourself" stuff is a smokescreen, because the leader doesn't really want to deal with the problem (or perhaps doesn't know how).  

     I have just read a great Christian book that addresses all of this.  It is The Peacemaker, by Ken Sande.  I'll give a link to order it below. This book gives four major steps in peacemaking, and most are not used by the average Christian leader.  These are: 1) Glorify God, 2) Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye (you know that had to be one of them, right?), 3) Gently Restore, and 4) Go and Be Reconciled.    I only ever heard leaders use the second one, Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye, but all four are necessary for effective peacemaking.  

     All of our dealings should glorify God.  If the way someone is treating you is hurtful or wrong, that is not glorifying God, and allowing it to continue unchallenged is not godly or gracious.  It is allowing someone to continue in sin, which has grievous consequences.  We shouldn't want that for someone.  So often, I have heard that the best way to glorify God is to allow people to do whatever they want and never confront them, but this is clearly not so.  However, our response to the person should also glorify God.  

     Yes, we really do need to get the log (or plank) out of our own eyes.  In most cases, both parties are partly at fault.  Examine your part, and make it right.  Repent before the Lord, and to the other person.  You can't control the other person, but you can control yourself, and how you respond.  That is partly why so much emphasis is made on this point.  Unfortunately, it is also easier for leaders to tell the concerned party to take the log out of their own eye than to actually address a real issue.  I have written whole posts about the idea of inventorying your wrongs and making amends, but as a brief explanation here, write down the person's name, what he or she did, how it affected you, and the damage it caused.  An example might be: Susan told me she would watch my son, but when I went to drop him off at her house, no one was home, and when I called her, she laughed and said she forgot and was on her way to Florida.  Saw it as a joke and continued laughing about it.  I was left in a lurch and missed an important work meeting.  The damage was I didn't get a raise I had hoped to receive.  So you examined the other person's wrong.  Then, you ask yourself, "What was my part?"  In this imaginary scenario, maybe you would conclude: I did not confirm with Susan the day before, or, I wasn't clear with Susan on the date and time of the babysitting need when I originally asked her, or even, I trusted Susan in the first place after she has let me down on other occasions.  This is a pretend example, just to give an idea. There are a lot of possible situations that can happen to you, with varying degrees of who is at fault and by how much.  In the made-up example I did, you probably wouldn't need to apologize to Susan for your part, because she wasn't hurt or inconvenienced by it--you were!  But there are times you will need to make your part right, regardless of the other person's part in it, and whether or not they make their part right.  

     A lot of people stop it right there, with getting the plank out of their own eye.  They think you should just make your part right.  And you should.  But what if what the person has done has hurt you, or made you unable to trust them, or be close to them?  What if it can't be ignored?  I have always been taught that if you struggled with resentment, you were the problem, but this book has told me otherwise.  Resentment is a warning inside of you that something isn't right, and needs to be fixed.  It is telling you that you are too valuable to be treated this way by this person, and you need to do something about it.  Holding onto bitter resentment is something else altogether, and I'm not defending that.  But feeling unable to trust or be around a hurtful person unless the situation is resolved isn't sinful or wrong (who knew?!).  After all, the only way sinners can be made right with God is by humbling themselves to recognize their sinful state, and receiving Christ's sacrifice by faith.  God doesn't just ignore it, or try not to resent it, or say, "Well, it's been a while since that person sinned, so I need to be over it by now."  No, He made the one and only way.  This being the case, in your own conflict resolution, after you make your part right, it is okay to say, "You know, there are some things you can do that would help me out as well.  May I share them with you?"  After a truly humble amends for your wrongs, the other person may be very willing to hear you out.  This is what is meant by Gently Restore.  Restoration happens when both parties are able to make their parts right.  

     As I already said, there may be a time when you should overlook something someone has done.  But, also as I stated, you don't ignore it or pretend it away.  You acknowledge it, and then choose forgiveness.  If you can do that, and move forward, do so.  If there is still remaining residual of struggle with the person because of it, though, and you can't just "let it go" it is okay to engage the person kindly and humbly.  

     Several years ago, on a mission trip, I had a sweet teammate who was likable and fun, but was incredibly lazy.  I ended up doing most of the work.  When I questioned her, she would say God hadn't called her to do this or that task.  I tried not to mind her laziness, and to just have a good time with her, but I struggled.  It wasn't right for me to have to do all the work.  I confronted her one day and told her she needed to help me, and she got very angry, and said I was being critical of her and that I needed to focus on my own faults instead of hers.  Let's look at that a minute.  I wasn't criticizing her character.  I was addressing something that was causing me a lot of trouble.  I didn't just walk up to her and said, "I don't like your personality.  You have all these faults, and you need to work on them.  You need to become perfect like me."  She responded as if that was what I was doing, but I was just asking her to help me with the jobs she should have been doing to begin with.  Sometimes, people may take you the wrong way.  All you can do is try, and that is when having a third party involved may help.

     It is never right to spread gossip about the person you're in conflict with, but it is perfectly acceptable to get accountability and help from someone you trust.  Sometimes a third party can help bring reconciliation.  The book advises that if you are dealing with a non-Christian situation, it is best to get someone who doesn't know either of you and can be impartial.  However, if this is a conflict with a fellow believer, it is best if the third person knows both of you and can pray and give godly wisdom.  The book even talked about the possibility of involving both parties' pastors and church leaderships, and submitting to whatever they decide is right.  

     When the person who wronged you has truly made amends, you ought to forgive readily, and move forward as if it never happened . If they don't acknowledge their wrong, you can still choose to forgive, but that will put a limit on reconciliation.  You can't reconcile with someone who won't own up.  And that's okay.  So many Christian leaders seem to expect everyone to kiss and make up, regardless of how the situation is handled, and that just isn't always possible.  Remember Romans 12:18, If possible, so far as it depends on you live peaceably with all.  You can control only yourself.  You can do what leads to peace, but you can't singlehandedly create peace with another person.    If the person receives what you have to say, and makes their part right as well, be reconciled!  Don't bring the conflict up again.  The author shared a very sweet children's poem his wife had written:  Good thoughts, hurt you not, gossip never, friends forever.  

     As Christians, we should want to be at peace, but peace comes at a price.  Are you willing to glorify God?  Are you willing to admit your wrongs?  Are you willing to confront the other person's wrong behavior toward you?  If true amends are made, are you willing to forgive?  Will you move forward?  And if you're a leader, and someone comes to you with something like this, are you willing to hear them out, and work toward reconciliation, or are you going to just tell the person to take the plank out of his own eyes and let it go?  The choice is yours.

Order The Peacemaker here.

Facing Fear

      I have been dodging an unseen enemy since my Freshman year of high school--almost 30 years ago.  I knew sooner or later, I would have to face it, but I avoided it as long as I could.  But it was never completely out of my mind.  I recently had my time of reckoning.  

     I was fourteen when my mom had a cancer scare.  She didn't end up having cancer at that time (she did years later, but they caught it so early that it was removed immediately and she was fine), but it was a very hard few weeks.  During that season, we were at a hard place with the church we were members of, and ended up facing some hurt from the leadership, and left.  There was a lot of hurt, and it all seemed compacted to me.  Just a few months after this (I was fifteen by then), my aunt passed away from cancer.  She had battled it for several years.  This was all just a hard time for our family.  

     I have feared cancer ever since those long-ago days of darkness.  I have a few little benign lumps on my body (the most notable on my left arm), and I became a hypochondriac about them, and had them checked out several times as a young woman, always told they were nothing.  Just recently now, I had a physical that revealed a concern, and I had to be checked more thoroughly.  It was too early for me to share with others or even assume I had cancer, but the possibility was terrifying.  I do not fear death.  I have assurance of my salvation, and know I'll go to Heaven when I die (I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life. -First John 5:13).  I also know that if I were in Heaven one moment, I would never want to be back (For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. -Philippians 1:21).  My hope, my heart's desire, and my whole perspective on life are rooted in eternity.  But I don't want to die right now.  I have so much to live for, with our new little boy, and my wonderful husband.  And yet I know I'll be on this earth the exact number of days God has planned for me.  (... [God] having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, -Acts 17).  There is peace in that.  Also, a cancer diagnosis is not necessarily a death sentence.  Medical science has come a long way.  My mom had a diagnosis last December, and less than a month later, it was gone and taken care of, and she remains cancer free.  All the same, the idea was scary to me.  

     The hardest part of it was that I have no control.  There are medical things I can control.  I can get the nutrition, exercise, rest and water intake to produce certain results the doctor is looking for.  I can eat enough iron and protein.  Those are all things I have some control over.  But I can't control whether or not I have cancer.  I have known some very healthy people, who took every precaution, who still got cancer.  Two of these healthy people even died from it.  So I felt that sense of helplessness.  Not feeling in control is scary.  But the thing is, we're never really in control anyway!  That's so important.  God is in control.  There is no searching of His understanding. (Isaiah 40:28).  We must look at everything that happens to us through the lens of the cross. His love for us was settled then and there.  Anything He allows in our lives can work for our good (And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, who are the called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28).  

     I have recently heard someone try to explain why terrible and senseless things happen to Christians.  This person, who is a believer himself, and has many good things to say on other subjects, says that God is not really Sovereign, and that sin being in the world is sometimes stronger than God, and He isn't always able to protect us.  That really disturbs me!  That idea makes me very fearful.  It would seem that we're dependent on luck instead of God, and I don't believe that was this person's intent.  Worse than all of that, it isn't biblical.  If we look at the book of Job, we can see that God puts limits son how much the enemy can do.  Satan is still under God's authority.  We don't know why things happen as they do.  Some things are beyond us, but we'll understand one of these days, though it may not be until we see the face of God (...I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. First Corinthians 13:12).  

     Many years ago, as a college student, I went through a very dark time.  God used Second Corinthians 4 to really encourage me.  Here is verse 8--in the Living Bible paraphrase (which really spoke to me at the time).  We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit.   

     The passage that spoke to me the most during my recent cancer scare was Psalm 91.  Verse 1 summarizes the rest of the passage, and why it spoke to me: He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  I felt like I was in a secret place with God, letting Him breathe life and courage into me.  

     The long and short of it is, I don't have cancer.  Thank you, Jesus!  My husband took us to our favorite restaurant to celebrate.  The scare I had doesn't even indicate a particular risk or propensity toward it.  I'm going to keep running my race (Hebrews 12:1).  But that time was a moment of reckoning, and I feel as if I passed some sort of test.  I faced my greatest fear, and knew that God was my refuge.  

     Whatever fears you are running from (as I ran from this fear for so many years), or facing (as I just had to face it), God is with you.  He gave His Son for you.  He isn't letting you go!