Jesus told us to count the cost (Luke 14:28-33). Sometimes, that's hard to do, because we don't know all the variables that could possibly happen as the result of a given decision. We can just do our best with God's help. This was something Jill Duggar Dillard discovered in her life, and covered in her new book Counting the Cost, written with the help of her supportive husband Derick Dillard. I found this book interesting and encouraging, and I'd like to interact with it.
Jill shares about growing up in a very loving family. As I read, I really found myself liking her parents, Jim-Bob and Michelle. Over the years, I have disagreed with several things they have said and done, so I wasn't really sure how I felt about them, personally, but Jill's first-hand account of growing up under their roof revealed loving, caring parents who really wanted what was best for their children. They started out in good faith.
Jill shares what it was like growing up in a large family with ultra conservative values. It didn't take long for her to see that other people weren't like their family. From their family's size, to the rules they had to follow (no dancing, etc.), to the way they dressed, they were different. Jill recounts a time her family went on vacation to the beach. They were having a wonderful time, but Jill felt self-conscience in her long skirt and long sleeves, when those around them were wearing swimsuits. A girl about Jill's age at the time asked her straight out why she was dressed like that at the beach. Not sure what to say, Jill finally answered that they hadn't planned on going to the beach, and didn't bring any other clothes with them.
Jill continued to be aware that they were different. Even the church they attended for a while didn't adhere to her family's convictions, and they eventually left and joined a much stricter home church group. It wasn't until her family started getting involved in Bill Gothard's Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP) that she met families more like her own. It was validating. She talks about certain "model" families in the IBLP, who were picture perfect and did everything "right" by those standards. These families obeyed all the modesty rules in dress, and had many children, all of whom appeared perfectly happy and well-behaved. These families would be invited up at IBLP conferences to do a musical number (IBLP approved music, of course).
While Jill recounts coming to new Christian convictions in her life as a married woman, she respects her parents, and the integrity of what they wanted for their family. She describes her mother as very sweet and loving, and her father much the same. She had a special place in their hearts, and they called her their "Sweet Jilly Muffin."
Jill's father, Jim Bob Duggar, spent four years in Arkansas' House of Representatives. Following this, he had an unsuccessful run for US Senate. What surprised me is that Jill shared that he tried to confirm if running for Senate was God's will by flipping a coin. I wasn't expecting that. When he didn't win, he didn't really understand why he had felt called to run, but he found what he believed to be the answer a short time later. On election day, the Duggar family had gone to the polls together, all dressed alike. They were photographed, and the picture was printed in the New York Times.
This attention led to the family having the opportunity to be filmed in a few TV specials, and eventually getting a weekly reality TV show. Jim Bob saw this as a "window of opportunity" and a "ministry." This was where Jill sees a breakdown occurring in her family's integrity. Her family really saw this as a chance to reach people with Christian values. It appears that Jim Bob started having delusions of grandeur after a while. Initially, the family's party line was basically to say they were thankful for the opportunity, but would be just as happy if the show was gone tomorrow, but later on, Jim Bob fought tooth and nail to keep the show. Jill mentions a conversation her dad had with a friend, who challenged Jim Bob that God could call someone to reach out to one person instead of a crowd, and Jim Bob disagreed, acting as if this TV ministry was the only way to serve. Jill overheard this and was very sad, believing her father was wrong. She thought of times in the Bible Jesus left the crowd to reach the one the Father was drawing. I was impressed with Jill's ability to draw biblical parallels in forming her own convictions. Jumping forward a little bit, Jill and her husband Derick ended up being missionaries in Latin America for a while, and Jim Bob told them that their ministry wasn't as important as the show, because it wasn't reaching as many people. This really hurt them, and again, Jill saw the error in his thinking on this.
Jill doesn't go into much detail about her brother Josh's molesting her and her sisters. That was a humiliating situation for her, and she was grieved the private record was made public in 2015. Jill shares about how their family was humiliated by this revelation of Josh's misdeeds. Josh was asked to step down from his job at the Family Research Counsel in Washington, DC. The family met up in Oklahoma to hide from the press for a few days. Josh was making jokes about the situation, and Michelle Duggar reprimanded her son for being arrogant, reminding him that his sin started the problem. It was at this time Jill started having flashbacks and nightmares about the original abuse from Josh. In order to help her family save face, Jill felt obligated to do an interview on Fox News with Megyn Kelly, defending Josh and talking about how this issue with him was dealt with long ago and was in the past. Jill's sister Jessa (another victim) joined her. The book revealed that Josh was sitting just off camera while they were interviewed, and it was a very uncomfortable situation. Jill wasn't technically asked to do it, she volunteered, but there was pressure from the family to cover for Josh. The aim was to help save the show. She really regrets this now. Jill was a newly married woman at this time, and she was still under pressure from her parents.
Jill shares about meeting and marrying Derick Dillard. As long as I have followed their story, I have had a lot of respect for Derick, and for them as a couple. Derick has a good head on his shoulders, and a deep Christian foundation. I enjoyed their love story. Derick had asked Jim Bob to be a prayer partner while he served on a mission trip to Nepal. Jill came into contact with Derick through her father, and they talked through video chat. The show wanted to do an episode where Jill and Derick met in person, so they financed a trip for Jim Bob and Jill to go to Nepal. They were there two weeks, but the show was only filming during the first week. They did a fake goodbye for the camera, but Jill got to spend more time with him (under Jim Bob's supervision, of course). It was in Nepal that they officially began courting, and their relationship continued after Derick returned to the states. Their relationship was strongly chaperoned by Jill's family. Jill shares a situation where she and Derick were sledding in the snow in front of the Duggar house, when Michelle came out and told them they weren't allowed to be on the same sled together. Derick was confused at first, not even realizing she was addressing them. They got married in a beautiful, televised wedding.
Jill and Derick share their journey into implementing healthy boundaries with Jim Bob and Michelle, along with their time doing mission work in Latin America. They share about forming their own convictions, using scripture. Jill talks about recognizing some of Bill Gothard's teachings (particularly about authority) are wrong and unbiblical. Years ago, I had attended IBLP's basic seminar, and the authority teaching was what I had the biggest issue with myself, so I agree with Jill. What they convey in this book is their growth in grace (Second Peter 3:18). They clearly love the Lord and are seeking His leading in their decisions. Their implementing boundaries have caused family strife, and Jill is honest about these problems, including their own mistakes. They have gotten counseling to try to work through their own issues with her family. They talk like very healthy people who have examined themselves and made their part right. They are actively working toward healing with Jim Bob and Michelle. They do not speak meanly or disrespectfully about them, though they tell the truth.
One thing Jill said that I thought was profound was that it is harder to live a balanced Christian life than to live in legalistic extremes. That is so true. Sometimes, living in culty legalism (like Bill Gothard's IBLP) kind of gives a guideline, so you don't have think as much. But walking by faith is more work, and the Dillard family is learning this. I really enjoyed reading about their journey of faith. I have respected Jill and Derick for a long time.
I am going to briefly compare this book to Jill's sister Jinger Duggar Vuolo's book, Becoming Free Indeed, which I reviewed earlier this year. Both Jill and Jinger are using the Bible to determine what they believe, and which parts of their childhood teachings to let go of. I commend both of them. I found I liked Jill's book better. Jill is theologically closer to where I'm at (she and Derick are part of the same denomination Walter and I are, so there is bound to be more similarities). Jinger is part of a church in California that I have some theological differences with, including that they don't believe God speaks to us today, or gives specific guidance in our lives. In fact, when I used to do evangelism classes in the San Fernando Valley, people from the church Jinger is now at used to come and hassle me and theologically attack me, and I have some real problems with the pastor of this church, and I had to wrestle with some theological curve balls thrown at me. This was a major part of my young adult life, and it is very personal to me. For more info on that, you can look at my blog post Free Indeed, from January 31, 2023.
I give Jill and Derick Dillard kudos on their courage in sharing their journey. I really think their book can give people encouragement in comparing what they believe to what the Bible actually teaches, and following God's guidance in their lives. I give this book 5 stars! You can order it here, and I hope you do!
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