Another person (let's say it's another Christian) has really hurt you. Maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally. You try talking to them, and that gets you nowhere. You go to your pastor, or other Christian leadership, and they just tell you to take the plank out of your own eyes and forgive the person. But the person continues to repeat the detrimental behavior. You don't want to, but you can't help feeling resentful toward them, and it is a strain to be around this person. Yet no matter what you do, you are told to examine yourself and make it right. Maybe a well-meaning leader even told you that you should just apologize for everything, just to bring peace. Is this right?
Another thing I often hear (I have heard it this week, in fact) is that after a certain amount of time has passed, it's just over, and if you aren't over it, you're being petty (even if no resolution or working it through has happened). Things don't magically disappear. There may be times you choose to overlook a wrong done to you, but even then, you need to work through it within your own heart with God's help before you can effectively forgive and move forward from it. Nothing just disappears because enough time has passed. And if it causes resentment and an inability to continue working with this person, resolution is needed, regardless of how long it has been since the offense happened.
There is so much bad information floating around about conflict resolution, and I have found Christians to often be the least equipped for it. I think this is because we want to be gracious and kind, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, not everyone is gracious and kind. Not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. A lot of times, the way Christian leaders handle conflicts just gives abusive people the green light to continue, and makes godly and mature people ashamed.
I have heard the whole spectrum of responses to conflict. One pastor vehemently said it was a sin to ever confront anyone, and if you ever do, it means what happened was really your fault to begin with. Can you see how false this is? This would mean innocent children are responsible for abuse they receive because they told someone about it or tried to fight off the abuser. It would mean the allies in World War II were really responsible for the Holocaust, because they fought to stop Hitler and the Nazis. It would mean police officers who pull over drunk drives and give them a ticket are really the ones who were drinking and driving. That just doesn't work! I believe the pastor who said this was trying to keep himself above accountability and confrontation. I did not attend his church, but he spoke at a camp I served at (and I didn't know it then, but my husband Walter was a member of his church before I knew him). On Walter's and my first date, I found out he had sat under this pastor, and I asked what he thought of him, and he replied, "The man's a jackass!" I knew I was in love with Walter at that moment! Walter had been the victim of this man's assigning blame.
Other Christian leaders have had a softer version of the same response. It often says to look to yourself and fix what's wrong with you, and that will fix the problem. This would only work if you are 100% at fault. Now, it is true that we should examine ourselves before the Lord (Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my thoughts. And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Pslam 139:23-24). We should make our part right (So if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24). Sometimes, allowing God to convict and change us does change our perspective on the situation. But no person has enough power to fix a situation singlehandedly (unless, as I said, he is the only one at fault, which is rare). A lot of times, all this "look to yourself" stuff is a smokescreen, because the leader doesn't really want to deal with the problem (or perhaps doesn't know how).
I have just read a great Christian book that addresses all of this. It is The Peacemaker, by Ken Sande. I'll give a link to order it below. This book gives four major steps in peacemaking, and most are not used by the average Christian leader. These are: 1) Glorify God, 2) Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye (you know that had to be one of them, right?), 3) Gently Restore, and 4) Go and Be Reconciled. I only ever heard leaders use the second one, Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye, but all four are necessary for effective peacemaking.
All of our dealings should glorify God. If the way someone is treating you is hurtful or wrong, that is not glorifying God, and allowing it to continue unchallenged is not godly or gracious. It is allowing someone to continue in sin, which has grievous consequences. We shouldn't want that for someone. So often, I have heard that the best way to glorify God is to allow people to do whatever they want and never confront them, but this is clearly not so. However, our response to the person should also glorify God.
Yes, we really do need to get the log (or plank) out of our own eyes. In most cases, both parties are partly at fault. Examine your part, and make it right. Repent before the Lord, and to the other person. You can't control the other person, but you can control yourself, and how you respond. That is partly why so much emphasis is made on this point. Unfortunately, it is also easier for leaders to tell the concerned party to take the log out of their own eye than to actually address a real issue. I have written whole posts about the idea of inventorying your wrongs and making amends, but as a brief explanation here, write down the person's name, what he or she did, how it affected you, and the damage it caused. An example might be: Susan told me she would watch my son, but when I went to drop him off at her house, no one was home, and when I called her, she laughed and said she forgot and was on her way to Florida. Saw it as a joke and continued laughing about it. I was left in a lurch and missed an important work meeting. The damage was I didn't get a raise I had hoped to receive. So you examined the other person's wrong. Then, you ask yourself, "What was my part?" In this imaginary scenario, maybe you would conclude: I did not confirm with Susan the day before, or, I wasn't clear with Susan on the date and time of the babysitting need when I originally asked her, or even, I trusted Susan in the first place after she has let me down on other occasions. This is a pretend example, just to give an idea. There are a lot of possible situations that can happen to you, with varying degrees of who is at fault and by how much. In the made-up example I did, you probably wouldn't need to apologize to Susan for your part, because she wasn't hurt or inconvenienced by it--you were! But there are times you will need to make your part right, regardless of the other person's part in it, and whether or not they make their part right.
A lot of people stop it right there, with getting the plank out of their own eye. They think you should just make your part right. And you should. But what if what the person has done has hurt you, or made you unable to trust them, or be close to them? What if it can't be ignored? I have always been taught that if you struggled with resentment, you were the problem, but this book has told me otherwise. Resentment is a warning inside of you that something isn't right, and needs to be fixed. It is telling you that you are too valuable to be treated this way by this person, and you need to do something about it. Holding onto bitter resentment is something else altogether, and I'm not defending that. But feeling unable to trust or be around a hurtful person unless the situation is resolved isn't sinful or wrong (who knew?!). After all, the only way sinners can be made right with God is by humbling themselves to recognize their sinful state, and receiving Christ's sacrifice by faith. God doesn't just ignore it, or try not to resent it, or say, "Well, it's been a while since that person sinned, so I need to be over it by now." No, He made the one and only way. This being the case, in your own conflict resolution, after you make your part right, it is okay to say, "You know, there are some things you can do that would help me out as well. May I share them with you?" After a truly humble amends for your wrongs, the other person may be very willing to hear you out. This is what is meant by Gently Restore. Restoration happens when both parties are able to make their parts right.
As I already said, there may be a time when you should overlook something someone has done. But, also as I stated, you don't ignore it or pretend it away. You acknowledge it, and then choose forgiveness. If you can do that, and move forward, do so. If there is still remaining residual of struggle with the person because of it, though, and you can't just "let it go" it is okay to engage the person kindly and humbly.
Several years ago, on a mission trip, I had a sweet teammate who was likable and fun, but was incredibly lazy. I ended up doing most of the work. When I questioned her, she would say God hadn't called her to do this or that task. I tried not to mind her laziness, and to just have a good time with her, but I struggled. It wasn't right for me to have to do all the work. I confronted her one day and told her she needed to help me, and she got very angry, and said I was being critical of her and that I needed to focus on my own faults instead of hers. Let's look at that a minute. I wasn't criticizing her character. I was addressing something that was causing me a lot of trouble. I didn't just walk up to her and said, "I don't like your personality. You have all these faults, and you need to work on them. You need to become perfect like me." She responded as if that was what I was doing, but I was just asking her to help me with the jobs she should have been doing to begin with. Sometimes, people may take you the wrong way. All you can do is try, and that is when having a third party involved may help.
It is never right to spread gossip about the person you're in conflict with, but it is perfectly acceptable to get accountability and help from someone you trust. Sometimes a third party can help bring reconciliation. The book advises that if you are dealing with a non-Christian situation, it is best to get someone who doesn't know either of you and can be impartial. However, if this is a conflict with a fellow believer, it is best if the third person knows both of you and can pray and give godly wisdom. The book even talked about the possibility of involving both parties' pastors and church leaderships, and submitting to whatever they decide is right.
When the person who wronged you has truly made amends, you ought to forgive readily, and move forward as if it never happened . If they don't acknowledge their wrong, you can still choose to forgive, but that will put a limit on reconciliation. You can't reconcile with someone who won't own up. And that's okay. So many Christian leaders seem to expect everyone to kiss and make up, regardless of how the situation is handled, and that just isn't always possible. Remember Romans 12:18, If possible, so far as it depends on you live peaceably with all. You can control only yourself. You can do what leads to peace, but you can't singlehandedly create peace with another person. If the person receives what you have to say, and makes their part right as well, be reconciled! Don't bring the conflict up again. The author shared a very sweet children's poem his wife had written: Good thoughts, hurt you not, gossip never, friends forever.
As Christians, we should want to be at peace, but peace comes at a price. Are you willing to glorify God? Are you willing to admit your wrongs? Are you willing to confront the other person's wrong behavior toward you? If true amends are made, are you willing to forgive? Will you move forward? And if you're a leader, and someone comes to you with something like this, are you willing to hear them out, and work toward reconciliation, or are you going to just tell the person to take the plank out of his own eyes and let it go? The choice is yours.
Order The Peacemaker here.
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