I have been dodging an unseen enemy since my Freshman year of high school--almost 30 years ago. I knew sooner or later, I would have to face it, but I avoided it as long as I could. But it was never completely out of my mind. I recently had my time of reckoning.
I was fourteen when my mom had a cancer scare. She didn't end up having cancer at that time (she did years later, but they caught it so early that it was removed immediately and she was fine), but it was a very hard few weeks. During that season, we were at a hard place with the church we were members of, and ended up facing some hurt from the leadership, and left. There was a lot of hurt, and it all seemed compacted to me. Just a few months after this (I was fifteen by then), my aunt passed away from cancer. She had battled it for several years. This was all just a hard time for our family.
I have feared cancer ever since those long-ago days of darkness. I have a few little benign lumps on my body (the most notable on my left arm), and I became a hypochondriac about them, and had them checked out several times as a young woman, always told they were nothing. Just recently now, I had a physical that revealed a concern, and I had to be checked more thoroughly. It was too early for me to share with others or even assume I had cancer, but the possibility was terrifying. I do not fear death. I have assurance of my salvation, and know I'll go to Heaven when I die (I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life. -First John 5:13). I also know that if I were in Heaven one moment, I would never want to be back (For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. -Philippians 1:21). My hope, my heart's desire, and my whole perspective on life are rooted in eternity. But I don't want to die right now. I have so much to live for, with our new little boy, and my wonderful husband. And yet I know I'll be on this earth the exact number of days God has planned for me. (... [God] having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, -Acts 17). There is peace in that. Also, a cancer diagnosis is not necessarily a death sentence. Medical science has come a long way. My mom had a diagnosis last December, and less than a month later, it was gone and taken care of, and she remains cancer free. All the same, the idea was scary to me.
The hardest part of it was that I have no control. There are medical things I can control. I can get the nutrition, exercise, rest and water intake to produce certain results the doctor is looking for. I can eat enough iron and protein. Those are all things I have some control over. But I can't control whether or not I have cancer. I have known some very healthy people, who took every precaution, who still got cancer. Two of these healthy people even died from it. So I felt that sense of helplessness. Not feeling in control is scary. But the thing is, we're never really in control anyway! That's so important. God is in control. There is no searching of His understanding. (Isaiah 40:28). We must look at everything that happens to us through the lens of the cross. His love for us was settled then and there. Anything He allows in our lives can work for our good (And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28).
I have recently heard someone try to explain why terrible and senseless things happen to Christians. This person, who is a believer himself, and has many good things to say on other subjects, says that God is not really Sovereign, and that sin being in the world is sometimes stronger than God, and He isn't always able to protect us. That really disturbs me! That idea makes me very fearful. It would seem that we're dependent on luck instead of God, and I don't believe that was this person's intent. Worse than all of that, it isn't biblical. If we look at the book of Job, we can see that God puts limits son how much the enemy can do. Satan is still under God's authority. We don't know why things happen as they do. Some things are beyond us, but we'll understand one of these days, though it may not be until we see the face of God (...I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. First Corinthians 13:12).
Many years ago, as a college student, I went through a very dark time. God used Second Corinthians 4 to really encourage me. Here is verse 8--in the Living Bible paraphrase (which really spoke to me at the time). We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit.
The passage that spoke to me the most during my recent cancer scare was Psalm 91. Verse 1 summarizes the rest of the passage, and why it spoke to me: He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I felt like I was in a secret place with God, letting Him breathe life and courage into me.
The long and short of it is, I don't have cancer. Thank you, Jesus! My husband took us to our favorite restaurant to celebrate. The scare I had doesn't even indicate a particular risk or propensity toward it. I'm going to keep running my race (Hebrews 12:1). But that time was a moment of reckoning, and I feel as if I passed some sort of test. I faced my greatest fear, and knew that God was my refuge.
Whatever fears you are running from (as I ran from this fear for so many years), or facing (as I just had to face it), God is with you. He gave His Son for you. He isn't letting you go!
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