Viewers Like You

  Growing up, I had my favorite television shows.  Most people do.  As I got older, it seemed like TV became more and more of a letdown, as if the creators weren't even trying.  I personally feel television, as well as all forms of entertainment, have a responsibility to their viewers.  Some say that television, books, etc. should reflect the world around the viewer/reader.  I agree to a point, but prefer a more intentional approach.  I think forms of entertainment should present a better world...one that can be related to, but also gives the viewer something to strive for.  Themes of redemption and hope should be presented, even in the midst of sad circumstances.  That's how shows like Touched by an Angel or Little House on the Prairie lasted so many years.  People want that hope and inspiration.

     I think a lot of people agreed with me about TV becoming more down and depressing, because changes have happened.  Viewing TV today is vastly different than it was when I was a teenager and young adult.  People have options now.  They can watch traditional TV networks, they can subscribe to cable and watch their favorite channels, they can buy DVD's of their favorite programs and bypass commercial TV altogether, or they can stream shows of their own choosing.  The viewer has a lot more control than in the past, and I think that's a good thing.  This has given rise to producers actually taking notice of what viewers want.  In turn, more positive, moral and inspiring shows have come out (not to mention quality Christian movies that are actually making it big--that was unheard of when I was growing up!).  Of course, there will always be trash, because there is a market for that.  But at least there are good choices too.

   I have recently re-watched some programs that were popular when I was younger.  I enjoy other people's reviews of shows, so I'm going to give my own.  There will be spoiler alerts, but these shows are not new, and you very likely saw them in the past.  I'd enjoy hearing your responses as well!  No judgment intended at all if you disagree with me.

     Above, I mentioned both Touched by an Angel and Little House on the Prairie.  I'm not going to do an in-depth review of either of these, but I will comment.  Touched by an Angel ran from 1994-2003.  I was a teenager and in my 20's during its original run.  That was a show I enjoyed.  It had humor, depth, great chemistry between the characters, and messages of hope in God.  Although somewhat spiritually generic, it definitely got the viewer thinking about what truly matters in life, and about God.  As for Little House on the Prairie, it portrayed timeless family dynamics.  The show was taken from the series written by Laura Ingalls Wilder.  The love of family was always paramount.  As a little girl watching it with my mother (mostly in reruns, because the show's nine-year run ended when I was pretty young), I always felt comfortable and safe, knowing there were lines that wouldn't be crossed.  Even in tragedy (and I have sometimes felt the show had too much of that), love never failed.  A notable character is Caroline "Ma" Ingalls, played by Karen Grassle.  I think she was the best-written character in the show.  She not only epitomized a good example of a wife and mother, but also a virtuous woman in general.  She was strong but humble.  She respected her husband, but wasn't subservient.  She treated the other townsfolk kindly and gently, believing the best, but responding well to the worst.  I think characters like that are important in entertainment, giving an example to strive for.

   
   A show that is very, very popular with people about my age aired from 2000-2007, when I was in my twenties.  I am talking about Gilmore Girls.  During most of this time, I lived with my cousin in a rented apartment, and we did not have commercial TV (just at TV set with a VCR connected to it, eventually adding a DVD player).  As such, I didn't watch Gilmore Girls very often during it's original run, although I occasionally saw it at other people's homes.  I later had the opportunity to watch it, just to figure out why everyone was so hyped.  This is a TV show about a thirty-something single mom (Lorelai) and her teenage daughter (Rory).  The show examines their relationship with each other, as well as Lorelai's relationship with her wealthy parents (from whom she spent many years estranged after having her daughter at sixteen and not marrying the father).  Lorelai and Rory have carved out a nice middle-class existence for themselves, much to the chagrin of Lorelai's upper-class parents who want better for them.  There are a lot of interesting family dynamics.  The show also focuses on the townsfolk in the fictional Stars Hallow, Connecticut.  I will say that the show is entertaining, with a lot of pop-culture references.  Lorelai and Rory are quite witty.  The mother-daughter relationship between Lorelai and Rory, as well as between Lorelai and her mother Emily, are a psychological study, and are interesting for that reason. Here are my deeper conclusions about this show...                                                                                                                 
     I can see why people would enjoy the show, but I am confused by the extreme devotion some have for it.  Gilmore Girls portrays women going from relationship to relationship with no real commitment.  Lorelai will basically go to bed with any man.  Rory eventually follows in her mother's footsteps, having an affair with an old boyfriend after he is married.  Throughout the course of the show, Lorelai has a "will-they-won't-they" relationship with the local diner owner Luke.  The audience is constantly teased with the hopes that they'll get together.  And yet they constantly date (sometimes sleep with) other people while really liking each other.  That isn't love.  It's empty sex.  In the midst of this, Lorelai becomes engaged to one of Rory's teachers, then breaks it off before the wedding...and she does briefly marry her ex-boyfriend and Rory's father, only to divorce.  I see very little self-respect in these women, and very little that I could respect in them.  Also worth noting is that the characters take the Lord's name in vain every few sentences or so.  Any word or phrase used that much (whether it be like, um, or ya know) gets annoying...and with God's name, how much worse.  It's bad writing.  I also dislike how the show portrays Christians.  Rory's best friend Laine comes from a strict Korean Christian family.  Her mother is cold, hard, and mean.  Laine sneaks behind her mother's back, not taking Christian convictions for herself.  I kept watching to see if there was any redemption, but sadly, couldn't find any.  It definitely can't pass the Philippians 4:8 test (whatever is true, honorable, righteous, pure, lovely...think on these things).  I don't pass judgment on those who like it.  Some friends I respect a lot really like the show, and perhaps they see some good in it that I don't. We all have different convictions, and take things at different levels of seriousness.

     The next show I'll mention was my absolute favorite show as a teenager in the 90's (airing from 1993-1998).  Until recently (when I discovered it on Amazon Prime), I hadn't watched it at all since the 90's.  This is Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.  As this was my favorite show for a long time, and there are so many facets to cover, I could write a book about it...but don't worry, I won't here.  Just some observations.  At a brief glance, it looks very much like Little House on the Prairie.  It takes place shortly after the Civil War, in Colorado Springs.  The premise is that Michaela Quinn is a female doctor (rare for that time period).  From Boston, she answers an ad for a doctor in Colorado.  Because she responds by telegram, they assume she is a male doctor named Michael A. Quinn, instead of Michaela Quinn.  She has quite a time proving herself, but eventually does.  Initially, her only friend in her new town is the midwife, Charlotte, who has three children.  When Charlotte is bitten by a snake and is on her deathbed, she asks Michaela (or Dr. Mike, as she is called) to raise her children.  The entire rest of the series is basically about her experiences as a doctor and raising her new family.  Of course, like most shows, it wouldn't be complete without romance, and this show has plenty of that!  The main romantic plot line is Dr. Mike's relationship with Sully, a rugged mountain man who is friends with the Cheyenne Indians.  They eventually marry in season 3 (I told you there would be spoilers!).


     There is other romance in this show as well.  Dr. Mike's oldest adopted son, Matthew (a young adult at the start of the series) falls in love with and quickly becomes engaged to a sweet and beautiful Swedish immigrant girl named Ingrid.  As a teenager watching the show, I had a huge TV crush on Chad Allen (the actor who played Matthew), so I loved the story lines that involved his romance with Ingrid.  Sometimes, while watching it as a teenage girl, I would internalize it so much that I "became" Ingrid.  Matthew and Ingrid (pictured below) were, by far, my favorite couple on the series!

     There were other romances as well, but I'll only go into one more (I'm working up to a point).  The town's telegraph operator, a kind but awkward and naive man, falls for a worldly-wise prostitute with a heart of gold who works in the saloon. Their romance begins when he gets influenza and she nurses him to health.  I always thought this was a beautiful picture of redemption, as he is an upstanding citizen, and she is a prostitute.  He looks past what she does, and loves her for who she is.  She eventually rips up her contract at the saloon, and they marry.
     This show started out very full of hope and love, with heartfelt acting and beautiful music.  That's what drew me as a teenage girl. It was enough of a family show that my parents and siblings enjoyed it as well (but it was mainly my mom and me).  However, there were some subtle messages that were pushed, and eventually, the sweet hope and love ended in depression and sadness.
     Dr. Mike and Sully's life and marriage goes overall well.  However, almost every other character in the show has terrible heartbreak, or compromises in some big way.  But by the time the story lines got to that, I was already hooked, so I continued watching, getting more and more disappointed.
     The biggest disappointment to me as a teenage girl (and now, re-watching it) is that a month before Matthew and Ingrid are supposed to marry (and after four seasons of being engaged and having fun and romantic stories), Ingrid is bitten by a rabid dog and dies of rabies.  That was incredibly cruel, and seemed to come out of nowhere!  I have never heard an explanation as to why they wrote Ingrid out of the show.  I wish, first of all, that they hadn't killed her off.  But if they really determined they would, I would rather that they had them get married maybe a year earlier and then, after being married a while, had her die (they did that in the recent season of When Calls the Heart, and having the characters marry for a little while redeemed the loss of the character dying...but that's a whole other show). At least then they would have gotten to be married.  Part of the reason I identified with Ingrid's character is that she is one of the sweetest and most moral characters in the show, showing strong convictions and faith in God in several instances.  Also, like Ma Ingalls, Ingrid is kind, but not a pushover.  A truly virtuous woman.

     Shortly after the tragedy of Ingrid's death, telegraph operator and former prostitute get a divorce when she discovers she is good at math and wants to be a career woman in banking instead of a wife (as if she can't be both).  Very depressing!  Of course, there is more to it than that.  There was a lot of immaturity on both parts...but still very sad.  Their differences could very easily have been worked out.  Telegraph operator became suicidal after this.
     The show became a series of empty promises it never delivered on.  It also was just like any other show that outlived its usefulness.  It became a lot of soap opera-type drama.  I had to stop watching it the last season it was on, because it was affecting my emotions too much!  Not to mention, as I said before, the show had a beautiful score, and the music really complimented whatever was happening in the episode.  In the early episodes, it made me feel good and cozy as I watched.  In the later ones, I was drawn into the pain and empty promises.  It was too much.
     In re-watching it, I find that I have to pretty much stick with the first three seasons and then just rewrite everyone's story in my mind.  If the show ended with season three, it would have been perfect.  That was its prime
     One other very curious thing that took place during the course of the series is that the actress who played Colleen (Dr. Mike's adopted daughter) left the show, and was replaced by another actress.  Both were beautiful and talented girls, but they didn't look very much alike at all (see photos below), and they didn't really bring the same personality to the role.  At the time, there was no explanation about the change.  Much later, it was revealed that the first actress didn't renew her contract (her parents didn't let her, and she was a minor and had no choice).  I'm sure it was hard for the replacement actress to step into the established role.  As a viewer, it was hard to adjust, but in total fairness, she did an excellent job, and I actually can't decide which I liked best.                                                                
      Upon analysis, Dr. Quinn is actually quite different than Little House on the Prairie.  Dr. Quinn started out beautifully, but failed.  It wasn't immoral in the same sense as Gilmore Girls, but it ultimately carried the message that love fails, life is disappointing, and there is no hope.  First Corinthians 13 gives the ideal that love never fails.  Romans 8:28 assures us that, while life is disappointing, there is redemption and hope as God works for our good. Jeremiah 29:11 asserts that God has good plans for us.
     Dr. Quinn also pushed the a few little agendas throughout its six-year run.  Not majorly, but here and there.  The feminism envelope is pushed a little bit (Michaela refuses to take Sully's name when they marry, among other instances).  Spanking is put on the same level as child abuse.  Dr. Mike refers to Mohammad as "a very wise man" in one episode, and it is revealed in a much later episode that she owns a copy of the Koran.  When Dr. Mike acts as substitute teacher in the schoolhouse, she teaches the children about Evolution (when that would never have been taught in school in the 1800's!).  While the main characters go to church and are more or less Judeo-Christian, the preacher is known to overreact and is often made to look weak and foolish in the stands he takes.  Later in the series, premarital sex is portrayed as beautiful, as long as the people love each other. None of these things are themes throughout the entire series.  They just come up here and there.  The overall theme, as I said, is disappointment and heartbreak, at least that's how I see it.

     The final show from the past that I'll analyze is another one that I rediscovered on Amazon Prime.  This is one my entire family enjoyed the first few seasons it aired (then I moved out with my cousin and didn't have TV).  I'm talking about 7th Heaven.  Originally airing from 1996-2007, this show is a similar example of what I was talking about earlier when I referred to Little House on the Prairie and Touched by an Angel.  It was inspirational, with the right message.  It lasted eleven seasons (all of which I have now watched), which goes to show that people are looking for that kind of message.  It was the most watched show on the WB (worth noting: Gilmore Girls was also on the WB, but never quite reached the popularity of 7th Heaven...that says something).  The show centers on the Camden family.  Eric, the father/husband is the pastor of a local protestant Christian congregation (denomination never stated, but the family and church are referred to as protestant and Christian throughout the series).  I remember when that show was going to start, I was in high school, and my parents were really excited that it was going to be a show about a pastor's family.  We were curious about how it would portray them.

     The Camden family is definitely not perfect, but they draw their strength from God.  Church, family, and faith are very important elements in the show.  The parents enjoy a beautiful marriage.  The kids have different successes and failures throughout the series.  Growing up and coming into oneself is portrayed realistically.  One thing that really stood out about the show during its early run was that the kids got into trouble, but there were consequences.  A lot of shows at the time portrayed parents and teachers as stupid and out of touch, and kids as being smart-aleck brats.  Not 7th Heaven.  Right always prevailed over wrong, and family love and acceptance were unconditional.  As the kids grew up and made decisions, their parents didn't always agree with them, but they always loved them.  It wasn't deeply theological.  The spirituality was probably on par with Touched by an Angel. One theme that is made very clear throughout the series is that sex is for marriage.  All of the Camden children except one wait until marriage to have sex, and the one who fails learns from the mistake and ensuing consequences.  The others, who do not fail sexually, certainly have their own struggles, but they have the love and support of their family.  What is most surprising about this show is that it came on before the days of DVD's or streaming.  This was on network TV at a time when shows were getting more and more immoral.  That really says something about the fan base's values.  Redemption, forgiveness and love are key elements.

     In conclusion, I think all forms of entertainment (the written word, movies, TV, etc.) have a responsibility.  However, I think the greater responsibility rests with the viewer (or reader).  It is our job to discern what message is being portrayed, and what we are to take from it.  It is also our job to determine when it is time to let go, change the channel, put the book down, etc.  No one else can really decide that for us.  What upsets me might not upset you.  What might make you stumble might not bother me at all.  You might see a message or theme in something that I miss, or vice-versa.  It's between you and the Holy Spirit.  Look for the best, beware of the worst, I suppose.  Happy viewing.
   

God's Answers

     "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." Bing Crosby crooned over the department store intercom.  Surrounded by premature Christmas decorations in early November, I should have felt festive.  Many of the displays included the Peanuts characters, which are favorites of my husband's and mine.  The truth is, I felt like breaking down.  It had been a hard week.  Even this fun trip we had taken to Roswell, NM didn't take the concerns from my heart or mind (although it definitely helped!).

     After two-and-a-half months at a very difficult job, I had resigned.  I had no real sense of what God was doing, only that He had clearly led me to take that step.  My wonderful husband had been 100% supportive.  He has had his own struggles in his studies at the University.  Taking this trip to Roswell (about three hours southeast of our home in Albuquerque) was a needed respite.  We had a blast that first day, making fun stops, enjoying beautiful scenery, eating good food, and seeing interesting things.

    That night in our hotel room, we had poured our hearts out to the Lord about our situation.  What did He have in store for us?  What was His plan?  What would He have us do next?  Those were the nagging questions.  We prayed for quite a while.  "Lord," I closed, "Please give us something to hold onto.  Give us a glimpse into what You're doing."  I got this prayer from a Bible study leader I had in Riverside some years ago.  Immediately, the Lord gave us two scriptures.  The first one was Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all thy need, according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."  The second related me to the struggles we'd faced with work and school.  Second Corinthians 4:17 "For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison."  Encouraged, we turned out the light and went to sleep.

     The next morning, I woke up earlier than Walter, and I took a little trip to the department store.  My main motive was that they had a blood pressure machine, and I wanted to check mine.  As someone who donates plasma, my vital signs are checked twice weekly.  I'm aware of what is average for me.  Over the previous few days, my blood pressure had been uncharacteristically high.  I knew this was due to stress, but I wanted to see if it had gone down at all.  While I was in the store, as I said, the Christmas spirit was everywhere.  Customers seemed jolly.  Sales associates beamed for pure joy.  I wanted to feel the same way, but the weight of the stress pulled me downward.  I went into an abandoned aisle.  The shelves were filled with Christmas Snoopy's.  This was too much for me, and I began to cry.  My confidence had taken a real beating at that job, and I felt almost dizzy.  I knew I would not be permanently scarred by it, but I needed time to heal up.  What were we supposed to do?  Had we misheard God?  "What should we do, God?" I asked softly.

     My phone beeped then.  Pulling it out, I saw that I had gotten an email.  It was from the principal of our church's Christian school.  She shared that a need had arisen at the school, and was I interested in a 5th grade teaching position?

     It was as if God were answering me right then and there...and answering our prayer from the night before.  I responded that I was interested.  She replied and asked me to come in for an interview Monday...that brings me to today.

     I had a very positive interview.  I pretty much have the job.  I am to come in on Thursday and teach a lesson to the class, just to see how I do.  I believe I will be hired.  From there, I will be able to observe the outgoing teacher on Thursday and Friday.  That school gets all of Thanksgiving week off.  I will have the opportunity to go over the curriculum and prepare.  My first day will be the Monday following Thanksgiving.  Financially, I will be taking home about the same amount I was with my job at the university preschool.  The salary is less, but it's not paying a retirement fund or insurance, so my check will be about the same amount.

     This type of job is largely a dream come true for me.  I have worked in ministry as well as secular jobs, all with children, and all in some form of teaching.  God can use all of it.  I have had a deep desire to work in Christian education for many years, and believe this is His leading.

     Please continue to pray for us as we move forward.  Pray for my husband's studies and relationship with the university.  Pray for me to heal up from the difficult job I just finished, and to succeed at this new job.  Thanks so much!

Lion's Den, Part II...the plot thickens!

     NOTE: If you have not read my previous post "Live From the Lion's Den", I would suggest doing so before reading this one.  It offers more background.   

     On Monday, I went into work, as prayed up as I could be.  As always, as soon as I got on campus, my spirit felt heavy, oppressed.  No sooner had I walked in than I was summoned to the office.  The director had some very negative feedback for me.  In fact, she repeated something someone else had said that later turned out to be a lie (the director wasn't lying, the person who talked to her was lying).  These were fiery darts from the enemy.

     I have been involved in teaching for many years (since the 90's), and have had almost all good reviews and feedback.  By God's grace, I even won awards during my time at the YMCA.  This is all the Lord.  However, it has also made me very skeptical of the criticism I've been getting at this job here.  I don't think I'm above the need for direction.  But  being told several times a day that the students and parents complain about me and dislike me when I've had positive relationships with all of them makes me doubtful.

     Anyway, the director said I was on the verge of being fired, and that she didn't expect me to improve.  Talk about discouraging.  My best hasn't been good enough, and it's very frustrating.  But, she said, I had a chance.  I was put to work with another teacher.  Feeling very fainthearted, I went to the classroom.  The woman I was to teach with wasted no time in putting me in my place.  The last few days have been a blur of criticism.  She would ask me to do such and such a thing, then yell at me to do the opposite.  If I did something exactly as she asked, she would then add a qualifier to make it so that I didn't technically do it correctly.  She even got after me for doing things she, herself, does. Some of the weird things she was throwing at me made me very uncomfortable.  I told some students that if they showed me they were ready, we would go outside.  This woman referred to this as "threatening" the children.  That scared me, to be honest.  If she was going to report on me that I "threatened" children, that could get me fired right there.  Finally, today, I felt deep in my spirit that I needed to go.  I prayed about it all day.  I ended up working the whole day, and even considered putting it off a day, just to earn a little more money.  And even the idea of working two more weeks after giving notice made me feel depressed.  I just couldn't abide in this...and God felt the same way!

     When my shift was up, I went to the second-in-command there (who is much kinder than the director) and told her I was putting in my two weeks.  Imagine my blessed surprise when I was received kindly, and also told that I would be paid for two weeks, but didn't have to return to work!  I'm done!  I'm free!

     I need to heal up from the last two-and-a-half months there.  But I will heal.  God is on my side.  I'm not even mad at anyone at this job I left.  I'm happy to be delivered from the fiery furnace.  We have some finances for the time being, though will eventually need income.  We are uncertain as to the future for Walter in the grad program he is in.  We really need God's guidance and intervention.  We are planning to go away tomorrow or Friday and just pray, spending the day with the Lord.  We know He'll come through.

     We're living by faith, not by sight.  Please join us in prayer.
   

Live from the Lion's Den

     I debated on whether to entitle this post Live from the Fiery Furnace or Live from the Lion’s Den, eventually settling on the latter.  Either would fit, though, as God has taught me so much from both of these Bible stories, which happen to fall only three chapters from each other in the book of Daniel. 

            This is an account of what God is teaching me in the midst of a trial I find myself in.  I'm hoping to put it into a book eventually, but this is the basic idea.  I will write as much as I can, but will conclude it after God’s deliverance comes.  Right now, I live in faith of that deliverance, and in joy of God’s presence right now.

 

            Here is the lion’s den I’m in right now (and before I continue, I want to make it clear that there are certain details I'm not sharing.  There are also certain people who are blocked from being able to see this).  My husband Walter and I just moved from South Dakota to New Mexico.  We went from having a close-knit church family, ministries, friends, and pleasant jobs to a very different situation.  This move was a leap of faith, and in spite of how it appears right now, I still believe God led us. 

            My husband got into the graduate program for political science.  It is in his heart to pursue this subject, in order to be a Christian voice in the political arena.  We don't know what all that will look like, but it has been on his heart for a long time.  He has been pursuing it for years, being met with many obstacles.  He was excited to get into the program here in Albuquerque.  On top of that, I got hired by the University.  I work at the preschool associated with the University.  Being a University employee has enabled my husband to get in-state tuition and even discounts on that.  It also gives us a good medical insurance policy.  We live in Student Family Housing.  So far, it sounds really good. 

            Here’s the problem.  We don’t know the whole story yet, so please take what I’m about to share as my vantage point.  There is an intense spiritual battle going on at the University.  Some unchristian agendas are being pushed, even in the preschool with the young children.  It’s very sad, and very scary.  Both Walter and I are running into it in our sphere of influence.  And even though neither of us has openly stood up and opposed it, we are being singled out by those pushing the agendas.  They are very hard on us.  I don’t say that in a martyr sense.  This is really happening.  Whenever I walk onto campus, I feel a deep sense of oppression.  

     Some years ago, I had an experience of deep spiritual warfare that led me into direct contact with demons.  I saw one with my own eyes as I ministered to someone who had given their life to Satan.  I don’t really like to share that.  It sounds crazy.  I’ve known people who see demons behind every problem.  Everything is the devil’s fault.  I don’t want to be that way, or sound as if I’m that way.  But I truly did have that encounter several years ago in ministry.  In that experience, I saw the authority I and all other believers have, and the power the Blood of Jesus has over all evil.  Having said all of that, being at my job is like an eight-hour day of being around those demons.  The oppression is the same.  From a human point of view, I am being shown contempt by the authority figures.  It is frustrating.  But it isn’t just people issues.  The battle is spiritual.  The oppression there is so much worse than the human side of it.  Ephesians 6 tells us that we don’t battle with flesh and blood, but with spiritual forces of wickedness.  That’s what’s going on.  There is a system that is contrary to God.  But the people are not my enemies.  In fact, rude and nasty as they are, I’m not mad at any of them.  I’m not struggling with hatred or even resentment.  I just don’t want to be there.  But I pray and hope the very best for every one of their lives.  That is the grace of God at work, because on my own, I can be quite resentful.

            On my husband’s end, he is getting grief from professors for his biblical worldview.  Some other distractions beyond our control also put him a little behind, and he is struggling to catch up.

            We feel insecure in this position.  We don’t know if it will work out in the long term, and if not, we don’t know where God will lead us next, or what His purpose will have been for us being here now.  We pray together nightly for about an hour, meditating on scriptures.  It is a hard time right now, and we need God’s answers.

            All day at work, I’m ready to pray.  It’s the only way to stay sane amidst the battle.  My favorite time of day is when the children nap.  The lights are low.  Soft music plays, and we basically just rub their backs until they fall asleep, then just do quite tasks in the classroom.  It is the perfect time to pour out my heart to God, and I pray for every child and staff member, as well as beg God for deliverance.  Sometimes I pray for other people and things God lays on my heart as well.

            We had a lot of trouble finding a church to plug into out here.  We have started getting involved in one, and are loving much about it, but (long story) we are questioning if the Lord is leading us to attend elsewhere.  We feel very unsettled.  That’s hard.  We miss the support of our church in South Dakota.

            When I saw how hard things were at this job, I immediately thought of ways to rescue myself.  I looked into other jobs and ministry positions around town.  I considered other ways to make money (such as really pushing my writing).  But none of it has yielded very many results.  I’m in a lion’s den, and I can’t get myself out.

            That’s when the good news came to me.  I don’t have to get myself out.  God will do that in His time.  Deliverance will come, as it did for Daniel in the Old Testament.  As I read about Daniel in the lion’s den, I see someone who had been faithful for decades.  When this all happened, he had simply been going about his business.  He wasn’t doing some major ministry.  He was working a secular job, like I am right now.  There was that battle going on around him.  There is no indication from scripture that Daniel tried to resist those who threw him into the lion’s den, or that he tried to find a way to climb out.  He didn’t try to rescue himself.  He let God do it.  God sent His angel to shut the lion’s mouths. 

            I see a similar pattern a few chapters earlier in the story of the fiery furnace.  Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego didn’t fight those who threw them into the furnace, nor did they try to run out.  They were in there with Jesus, perfectly safe!  Only when Nebuchadnezzar called them out did they step out. 

            God used this to show me that I can’t save myself from this lion’s den.  I’m to sit back and let God shut the lion’s mouths, then deliver me.

            I’m not saying it is in any way sinful to try to find a better job situation.  I just don’t believe God is calling me to do that right now.  I don’t know what’s going to happen, but it will be for His glory.  We are just hanging on.

 

            No matter what happens, Romans 8:28 remains true.  All things work together for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.  He has good plans for us.  Please keep us in prayer, and thanks!

Strengthen What Remains

   
     I grew up in California, one of the last states to get Walmart.  While the first Walmart opened in 1962, it didn't reach the Golden State until the 90's.  I was a young teen the first time I walked into a Walmart after they had finally built one in our area.  Friends from other states had made Walmart sound like the Disneyland of department stores.  Spoiler alert: it isn't.

     I mostly grew up going to Kmart.  They had everything we needed.  It was always a pleasant experience there.  As a little girl, I liked looking in the toy aisles, understandably.  As I grew up, I gravitated toward clothes, shoes and shampoo.  Kmart had it all, including memories of going shopping with my family.  Often, we would go run errands on Saturday afternoons.  We would have spent all morning playing with our neighbor friends out of doors, carefree and happy.  Mom and Dad would get us into the car, and we'd go to Kmart.  We'd browse around the store while our parents would get the needed items they had come for (and usually more than that as well!).  We were a happy family, enjoying being out together, knowing the next day we'd be in church with our closest friends.  Life was pleasant.  We were content.  Kmart seemed especially magical at Christmastime.  They would put out their fake trees, and play Christmas music.  Mom and Dad would often be there buying our presents, and trying to distract us into other aisles!

    When I was in junior high, we got Walmart in our town, and also a new Target (we already had Target in the state and general area, but not as conveniently close as this new one was).  Target went from being once or twice a year to our regular "go-to" store.  In fact, the first week we had our new Target open, our family went there every day!

     Target, I liked.  I would still go there, were it not for their bathroom policies (my husband and I sighed a petition in 2016, and won't go until/unless they change their bathroom policy).  I always liked the feel in Target stores, and their quality products.  I liked the environment, the way I felt while I was in there.  It felt like a family store that had stories to tell.  Walmart, on the other hand, always struck me as kind of generic.  I'll go there, but it isn't my favorite.  It isn't a particularly fun store to go to.  It's okay.  In many cases, it's convenience. The prices aren't bad.  The service is usually pretty good. 

     These other stores kind of overshadowed Kmart in our town. People were enamored with Target and, to a lesser degree, Walmart.  Kmart sort of fell by the wayside.  For a couple of years, we didn't go to Kmart as often (still went, but just not as much as we went to Target).  But right after I graduated from high school, I saw an ad in the newspaper for a shoe sale and Kmart, right when I needed new shoes.  So...I went...and fell immediately back in love with my old stomping ground.  It was like an old friend.  It felt a little like stepping back in time, to a simpler part of my life.  Back to the days of Saturday outings, and contentment.  Life can become complicated as we grow up, and Kmart reminded me of the joy to strive for.  From then on, I became a loyal Kmart shopper once again.  I actually like their women's clothes and jewelry much better than either of their competitor's stores.

     Perhaps the very thing that I love about Kmart stores (all of them) is the very thing that has hurt their business.  Their consistency and nostalgia factor.  They haven't kept up with the times as much.  Or perhaps, more accurately, they were left behind in the dust.  They still sell updated clothing and products.  But walking through their stores has more the feel of walking through a departments store in 1988--during my happy childhood days.  The association is so strong for me that walking into Kmart makes me feel good inside, and immediate euphoria.  My hometown of Riverside, CA had four beautifully-kept Kmarts not long ago, and I would go to them regularly.

     The last few years have been hard on my favorite store.  More and more are closing.  Two of the Riverside Kmarts closed, and the third is slotted to close in the next month (which would leave only one open in my hometown).  We lived in South Dakota for a few years.  Our closest Kmart was in Sioux City, Iowa (the nearest larger city to us, about half an hour away).  Sadly, the Sioux City Kmart closed, leaving the closest Kmart in Cherokee, Iowa--over an hour's drive away (I still went as often as I could).  We just moved to Albuquerque in August, and the Kmart here closed a month later (we got a lot of things we needed at their closing sale).  Yesterday, I just had to have a Kmart fix, so I drove the hour north to Santa Fe, where there is a Kmart.  I had a blast, but was told by a cashier that they live in dread that their store will close, like so many others have.  I hate to admit this, but the future doesn't look good.  I find myself sadly wondering if the entire chain will disappear, becoming a byword for a once-mighty business gone to the dogs. 

     I know I'm not the only person who loves Kmart and doesn't want to see it fold.  Revelation 3:2 says, "Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die."  This is part of why I give them business whenever I can.  It's like voting, I can't do much, but if we all do it, it can make a difference.  I am sure there are many people like me, who have memories and stories from Kmart. 

     Kmart is just one of several things I try to hang onto.  Things that matter to me, carry memories, and make me feel the safety of another time...things that are in danger.  On the point of death.  Forgotten and lonely.  A church I grew up at and loved became this way.  Corona Heights Baptist Church.  It died completely by the time I was high school.  Losing it was very hard.  All I have now are the precious memories that I can thankfully still share with good friends I had from there.  This is really the key to my happy memories of childhood, and everything I associate with it. Like Kmart. 

     Several other places made me happy and then went out of business.  Borders Books, B. Dalton, Bob's Big Boy (which has made a slight comeback, but isn't doing the greatest), and Mervyns were a few places I loved to go, and have many happy memories in.

     The Carousel Mall, in San Bernardino, California, died a slow death.  Growing up in Riverside more, we went to the Tyler Mall, which is still going strong, but I was aware of the Carousel Mall.  Part of their problem was that they were only a mile from the more successful Inland Center Mall, also in San Bernardino.  There was some poor management as well.  At any rate, the Carousel Mall officially closed in 2017.  In the early 2010's, I would go there often, walking around the near-vacant mall.  I could just feel the stories and memories there.  Lives lived.  Families going Christmas shopping.  Nervous men proposing to ecstatic women.  Friends "hanging out".  They had originally had three anchors, Harris, Montgomery Wards, and JC Penney, closing in 1998, 2001 and 2003, respectively.  By the 2010's, there were about twelve or so stores still open, and I gave them so much business.  I loved their little Chinese restaurant.  When I got married, Walter and I got as much of our wedding stuff at this mall as we could (my engagement ring, having my wedding dress altered, getting my nails done for the wedding, etc.).  We got good prices on these things, because they didn't get as much foot traffic, and were willing to charge much less (the engagement ring was 1/5 of what we were quoted for a similar ring at the Tyler Mall).  We also got the personal touch of their gratitude.   They were just hanging on, and appreciated that we thought of giving them our business for our engagement and wedding.  They were delighted to be part of our story.


         My point in all of this is to hold onto what is precious.  Everything in this world will one day end, and only what is eternal matters.  People matter.  Relationships matter.  Churches matter.  Lives matter.  Hold onto those things.  Don't give up.  Don't let go.  Don't jump ship.  Kmart is a store.  No store will last eternally.  But the memories from that time in my life are eternal.  Time with family.  Time soaking up God's goodness, and being content.  Isaiah 46:9-10 says, "Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning..."  Zechariah 4:10 says, "For who hath despised the day of small things? For they shall rejoice..."  Let's remember these small, forgotten things.  Things that are on the point of death. 

What's Your Cross?

     You want to know what's really wrong with the world?  In one sentence, the problem is that people don't want to obey Jesus.  It's that simple.  Every problem on earth stems from that.  We live in a world full of people who want to indulge their every whim and desire.  If it feels good, do it.  Don't let anyone stop you from making yourself happy (even if it infringes on the happiness of others).  Look out for number one (that's you).   Jesus' message was so different than this.

     A lot of people know only one thing that Jesus ever said, that's found in Matthew 7:1 (Judge not, lest you be judged).  Even those who don't believe in the Bible quote this at people who disagree with them.  People foolishly think that "judging" means we can't have reservations about things, or disagree with them.  We can't say things are wrong.  That isn't what Jesus was saying.  If you read the passage in its entirety, it is actually talking about making the right judgments.  Using the common sense God gave us to form conclusions isn't a sin.  God Himself clearly judges sin and wrongdoing (Hebrews 9:27, For it is appointed unto man once to die, and after this the judgment. Exodus 34:7 ...but He will by no means clear the guilty).  Jesus had to die for it, or none of us could be saved (First Peter 3:18 For Christ died for sins, once for all, the righteous for the unrighteousness...). God is the One who sets the standard of right and wrong.  We can't decide to change it based on what society is saying about things, or about how we personally feel about it.  There are certain things I would be very easy to sway about, but I'm not the standard.  I never make statements about things being right or wrong simply because I decided it.  I decided to agree with God, and what He has said in His Word.  I will also add that I have many friends who disagree with me about things, and I don't think they're judging me, nor am I judging them.  If any of you reading this think I am wrong about anything I state, please show me from God's word where I am wrong, and I will listen to you.  If you don't have the Bible to back up your disagreement, you are still welcome to share your thoughts, but I will not change mine.

     A much less popular statement Jesus made is found in Luke 9:23.  If anyone will come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow Me.  Jesus talks about self-denial, something that is so politically incorrect we never hear about it from society.  Our world feels that we should never ask anyone to deny what they want or feel.  But Jesus does...to each of us.

     Jesus asks us to deny ourselves, take up our crosses daily and follow Him.  What does that look like?  It's a little different for each of us.  We all have different crosses to bear.  I once heard a beautiful story.  A man was struggling with the cross he was called to bear daily.  He asked God to give him a different cross, so God took him into a room full of crosses.  They were all difference sizes.  One was as big as the whole room.  After looking at these different crosses, the man said to God, "I think I'll take this small one right here," to which God replied, "That's the one you came in with."

     I will never flippantly tell someone to suck it up when they are struggling with their cross.  I have no idea what struggle they have, or what it feels like.  I'm not them, nor are they me.  Trite answers won't encourage them in their personal battle.  The encouragement I can leave them is what the Lord said to the Apostle Paul about his "thorn in the flesh" in Second Corinthians 12:9, My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.  We also have a promise from First Corinthians 10:13, there hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted about that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.  We never have to sin.  We never have to give in.  God is faithful.  There is always another way!  We have to hold to what God has said.

     As I said, everyone has different crosses.  Some crosses are lifelong, while others are for a season.  When I was single, I struggled with sexual desires.  I did not have a husband at the time, and according to the Bible (First Corinthians 7:2, Hebrews 13:4, and many other places in context), sex is for marriage.  Since I wasn't married, sex wasn't for me at that time.  It was hard, sometimes harder than others.  I chose to agree with God.  Unfulfilled sexual desires were something I had to take up daily, and still choose to obey God.  God fulfilled me, deep in my heart.  That turned out to be a special time in my life of deep Christian friendships and growing in Christ.  I loved my job, friends, and church.  I had time and opportunity to store up treasures in Heaven.  And, with God's help, I denied myself and my desires, took up my cross daily, and followed Jesus.  I am now happily married, and those desires are fulfilled.  But I still have a cross.  Right now, I am struggling with anxiety, an old cross that had disappeared for a while and now resurfaced.  But I take it up daily, surrendering it to Jesus, and following after Him.  It is something I can choose to indulge, or surrender.  I'd rather surrender.

     I know I'm going to step on toes, but so did Jesus, so here I go.  There are people who genuinely have same-sex attraction, and people who struggle with their own gender.  I don't claim to understand any of this.  I am not a doctor, nor a psychiatrist.  But I do know Jesus.  I know the Bible.  God is our perfect creator, so we must assume that He made no mistake when He crated any of us the gender we are (Psalm 139:13-14, for You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and Isaiah 45:9 Woe to those who quarrel with their Maker...does the clay say to the potter, what are you making? Does your work say, the potter has no hands?).  People with this struggle have quite a cross.  But Jesus is calling them to deny themselves, take up that cross, and follow Him...just like He is calling me to do it.  As for same-sex attractions, I can't clam to understand how that feels, though I do know what it means to have unfulfilled sexual desires (see above paragraph!).  I believe the feelings are legitimate, but those relationships are not God's will (Romans 1:18-32).  Therefore, same-sex attraction is a cross.  Just like all of us, they are called to deny themselves, take up their crosses daily and follow Jesus.  And just like unmarried heterosexuals, they are called to celibacy.  God is able to fulfill them.  In fact, I truly believe some people who will get the most rewards in Heaven are those who struggled with sexual desires God did not want them to exercise, so they denied themselves, took up their crosses, and followed Jesus.  Perhaps only their closest friends ever knew the struggle raging inside them.

     Some crosses have nothing to do with sexuality.  Some are illnesses, interpersonal relationships, uncomfortable situations, living in a difficult place, or any number of other things.  No matter what the cross is, the solution is the same.  Deny ourselves, take up that cross daily, and follow Jesus.  Surrender is sweet.  There are rewards in heaven, as well as on earth.  In my sexual desires of my single years, God met me in some precious ways once I surrendered.  In my current anxiety cross, God is again meeting me, and answering prayers in some very special ways.  His Word is coming alive more.  I have a deep joy that nothing in life can give me.

     America promises life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Jesus offers something even better.  Eternal life, freedom indeed, and joy.  I choose Jesus.  I choose to agree with God.

Church Search

     Being new to a city brings a lot of details to work out.  Living arrangements, new jobs, doctors, where to shop, etc.  We have worked on all of that leading up to, and since our move to Albuquerque in early August.  God has really provided for our needs, and put us at a good place.  One thing has been difficult, though, and that is finding a church family to join.

     Some know (some do not) that I have struggled with anxiety since 1992, and more extremely since 1996.  It is something God has really given me a lot of victory in, but it has never completely gone away, and probably won't as long as I'm in this body of flesh.  It's a cross I take up daily and follow Jesus, surrendering it to Him for His help.  If you are unfamiliar with anxiety, it is similar to asthma.  An anxiety attack renders the person unable to get in air.  The difference is, it isn't a physical problem, but an emotional one that affects the physical.  Sometimes, it feels like the room in shrinking, and the person can feel dizzy.  There is a feeling of impending doom.  There are different things different people experience.  My worst years of anxiety were from 1996-2005.  In 2005, I went to a sixteen-week counseling at my cousin's church in Riverside, and it helped me develop some biblical habits that really helped me.  Then in 2014, I got involved in Celebrate Recovery, in Yucaipa, CA.  Through my friends and sponsor there, I got even greater healing.  It is a very biblical program for anyone with hurts, habits or hangups (so basically the whole human race).  It had been years since I had had a full-on anxiety attack.

     Having said all of that, we had visited a church here in Albuquerque that is large.  We are told it is the largest in the state of New Mexico, and one of the largest in the United States.  Simply because of the size, I wasn't totally gung-ho to attend.  I prefer a smaller church to plug into.  But I wanted to give it a fair try.  My husband really likes the pastor (he had him as a teaching in his School of Ministry years ago).  We visited it our second week here, and again this past Sunday and Wednesday night (We visited some others in-between).  

     The pastor is extremely biblical in his teaching.  I want to be clear on that.  I also want to be clear that the people we talked to there after services were extremely kind, showing Christ to us.  

     Beyond these positives, though, this church made us very uncomfortable.  I expected very modern worship, maybe songs I haven't heard before.  I expected people to be dressed very casually.  But what I hadn't counted on was the smoke and lights.  Multicolored lights shined all over the room, moving in no particular order, changing up now and then.  Smoke wafted all over, catching the lights at different places.  I had never seen this before.  I didn't even know this existed in churches.  On top of this, the music was at a very loud volume (the music wasn't my preference, but wasn't a deal-breaker in and of itself).  There was too much stimuli for me.  I felt totally consumed and pulled along against my will.  I felt manipulated by it.  I am not saying that this was the goal of anyone involved.  I have no idea what is in their hearts, but I want to assume that they were genuinely worshiping the Lord.  But, from my true heart, I couldn't find Jesus in this, and truly see no biblical or spiritual purpose in this.  To me, it just seems like trying to be "cool", but as I said, I don't know their motives, so I won't try to speculate.  

     Communion was also done very differently than I am accustomed to.  Very fast, no scriptures read, very little explanation of the elements.  In fact, the elements were in little plastic containers that looked like coffee creamers. I couldn't figure out how to open the thing, and communion had passed me by before I figured it out.  I was so frustrated.  Not in the right spirit for communion.  

     All this overwhelmed frustration threw me into a panic attack.  My lungs wouldn't take in air.  The room was shrinking.  The world was spinning.  I wasn't safe.  I was going to die.  Nothing made sense.  I was wrong.  Everyone who had ever hurt me was right.  

     A lot of this was a call-back to other times in my life when I have felt manipulated in church.  Those bad feelings came back over me as well.  It was darkness.  

     My husband was wonderful.  He spent the whole day with me.  He took me up to Santa Fe, and we had a wonderful time.  We prayed a lot.  He had loved the teaching, even though he disliked the crazy externals as much as I did.  He wanted to try their Wednesday evening, and see if it was less overwhelming.  I love my husband so much.  I didn't want my weakness to keep him from the teaching he loves.  He is the head of our family.  I want him to hear the word in a way that ministers to him.  On his part, though, I know he would never force me to go somewhere that hurt me.  I agreed to take it one day at a time.  We tried the Wednesday night.

     Again, the lights and smoke swirled around the room.  I determined I wouldn't have an anxiety attack.  I closed my eyes, but could still see the brightly colored lights through my eyelids.  I put my hands over, and I could still see it!  I didn't let myself panic, but I did feel dizzy and physically nauseous.  

     Walter said softly (and no one could possibly hear him, because the music was so loud it vibrated everything), "This is ridiculous!"  He got up and walked out into the aisle.  I didn't see where he went (no one could see anything with the lights).  I found out he went to the guy in the sound booth an said, "Look, I'm not here to cause trouble, but we need you to turn those lights down a little.  My wife is getting sick."  The guy (in his early 20's) got very rude and defensive, telling Walter he was disturbing people's worship (which couldn't have possibly been true, because it was so loud and bright, no one could possibly have heard them or seen them).  Walter again asked the man if he could tone it down at all.  The guy said that he was only doing what he was told.  Walter, trying to be polite, asked if he could talk to his superior then.  The guy panicked and called for security!  Walter never touched or threatened him!  The security came and kind of roughed Walter up, laying hands on him.  He told them again that he wasn't trying to cause trouble, but that his wife was getting dizzy and sick from the lights.  Their answer to this really offended both of us.

     "We have medical staff on hand, because people have seizures here because of it sometimes."  

     Why in the name of common sense would they continue to do something that has brought about medical problems?  That could make them liable if someone was really hurt or sick (or, God forbid, died). 

     One security guy looked at another and said, "I'll hold him here, you go examine his wife."

     Walter panicked at this point and jumped out of the man's grasp. "You will leave my wife alone!  She doesn't need you!"  

     They told Walter he could return to his seat or leave.  Walter came back to me.  I learned of what had transpired later.  He held me the rest of the service (we really wanted to see the actual study).  

     It was a very hurtful experience.  The whole week had been anxious and hurtful.  We aren't part of a local fellowship yet, and needed support as we got over the trauma of what we had experienced.  Perhaps this wasn't wise, but we both shared our experience on Facebook.  Facebook can be a two-edged sword.  Our privacy settings are such that only our friends can see it.  We felt freedom to share with people we consider our friends.  We needed support from them.  We also viewed it as the same as rating a restaurant or other business online.  People do it all the time.  It gives others an idea of what to expect if they go to that business.  We were not unkind in our assessments.  We didn't condemn the people or the pastor.  We shared our experience and opinions about it.  

     Most people were kind and supportive, but two women (relatives, in fact) were extremely cruel to us.  They said some very mean-spirited and even hateful things to us.  One of our friends completely defended us (that was a means of God's grace).  Unfortunately, this gave them more opportunity to say mean things about us.  They mocked us and then had the gall to accuse us of "judging" (everyone's favorite accusation nowadays that literally means less than nothing anymore).  Our friend was very firm, and told them they were the ones being judgmental.  One of these relatives cut us off.  The other just kept saying mean things.  I can't imagine why they decided we were wrong and that church was right, when they don't even know that church at all, and weren't there to experience it.  Why err on the side of someone you don't even know over someone you're supposed to love?  I didn't even read all their hurtful comments, because I don't deserve that.  I am valuable, and don't deserve abuse like that.  They were out of line, and it prolonged the pain the whole experience gave us.  We cast our pearls before swine in sharing, and we both took our posts down.  Our goal wasn't to make that church look bad.  It was to share our experiences and get very needed support from friends.  

     It has been a hard week, but I am so thankful for God's grace.  I have a wonderful, loving husband who stuck by me, and I stuck by him.  We are even closer as a result of this madness.  I am also thankful for my Christian friends who did support us, especially our friend Steve who defended us against cruel attacks.  I am thankful for a Christian coworker I have.  Her husband is a pastor, and they are actually between churches at the moment.  I was able to confide, and she was extremely loving and supportive, giving a lot of great insight.  I am thankful for my friend Denise, another pastor's wife.  She lives in CA.  She sent me an email about a church near us  that is the same affiliation that her husband pastors.  It is one we will definitely consider trying out.  I am thankful for all else going so well in our lives (work, Walter's school, etc.).  I am thankful for God speaking to me in His word.  I am in First Kings, one of my favorite books of the Old Testament.  I am thankful for Christian music that has ministered to me this week.  God didn't let us down.  We are planning to attend a smaller church tomorrow.  God is in it, and He will lead us to the right church.