Tightrope

     I have often felt like I'm walking on a tightrope, and this week, more than usual.  I'll explain what I mean by that, and perhaps you'll relate.

     I teach in a Christian School.  I love being able to teach not only math, science and history, but also the Bible.  I'm thankful to live in a nation that allows private institutions, with the freedom to teach about our faith.  I get very frustrated when I hear people saying that Christian schools "indoctrinate" students, or worse, accuse us of "brainwashing".  

     Every person on this planet has a worldview of some kind.  That worldview informs that person's actions behavior, decisions, and life.  There is no such thing as a neutral worldview.  Public schools (which I have worked for, by the way) also present a worldview.  Their worldview is secular humanism.  In many cases, no validity is given to the other side.  The Theory of Evolution is taught as if it's pure gospel, when there is no scientific evidence to support it (by the way, off subject, but for something to actually be scientific, it must be observable, measurable, and repeatable...and evolution is none of those things.  I don't have time in this post for a long explanation about that, but thought I'd mention it).  How is this not "brainwashing"?  I am certainly not implying that every teacher in the public school system has an agenda, or that every public school is brainwashing kids.  As I said, I have worked in public schools.  Most teachers are fantastic, and truly love their students.  Many believers are being that godly presence by working in public schools.  My point in saying this is that every institution has a worldview, and that if people are going to get after Christian schools for having a biblical point of view, they need to equally get after public schools for their secular humanistic views.  

     I already said that nobody can have a neutral worldview.  It just isn't possible.  Everyone believes in something.  However, many people in America today try very hard to avoid this.  They try to make everything sound neutral and equal.  I've faced this issue this week.  One of my students has a very diverse religious background.  His mother (single mother) is Catholic, but not terribly devout.  His good friends are Mormon (LDS) and take him to church on a regular basis.  Then he attends our evangelical Christian school.  He is very confused.  I tell my students constantly that they are allowed to ask questions.  They are allowed to disagree with me (after all, only the Holy Spirit can bring them to faith in Christ, and it has to be real on their part, not something I can bring about).  They just aren't allowed to be disrespectful.  Unfortunately, this boy is incredibly disrespectful.  He constantly challenges me when I am teaching Bible.  Lately, he has been very vocal in talking about Mormon doctrines.  I have told him as kindly as I can that Mormonism is a different faith than what we believe at our school, and that if he wants to talk about it with me during break, he can.  He has never taken me up on this offer, which has led me to believe that the issue isn't very important to him.  He just wants to disrupt in class, but not have a real conversation about it when given the chance.  When I have gently shut him down in class, he has gotten rude and accused me of "judging religions".  That is silly, as I have only stated that Mormons believe differently, not that they are terrible, evil people.  Mormons would agree with me that our faiths are different.  

     I have never, ever bad-mouthed any Mormon people at all.  I have known many wonderful people of different faiths, including Hindus, Muslims, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Mormons...not to mention different branches of Christianity.  These people have blessed and enriched my life.  BUT, just because they're great people does not mean they're going to Heaven.  Jesus said very clearly in John 14:6, "I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the father, except through Me."  This verse is very clear.  No one--NOT ONE PERSON--comes to God without Jesus Christ.  God made the way for anyone to be saved.  ANYONE!  Any person can turn to Jesus Christ for salvation.  Romans 10:13 says, "Whosever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."  God made it possible for everyone.  Unfortunately, not everyone takes God up on His offer.  As Christians, we need to be reaching others with that good news!  

     For over two-hundred years, our nation has facilitated people's choice of faith.  The United States is a country where religious liberty has been of foremost importance.  This is important.  If religion were outlawed, as has been the case in many regimes throughout history, we would have to operate underground.  I am so thankful that isn't the case.  On the other hand, if we were like the days of Constantine, where Christianity was the only legal religion, we would come to the point where they eventually came to.  Corruption.  Insincere faith.  No, the US has done it the right way.  People need to be free to choose Christ or not.  It has to be real.  I'm so thankful our nation allows that choice.  In order for that choice to work, people need to be free to choose other religions as well.  This is why we have other religions in our country.  Often, these religion's followers leave persecution in their own country to find freedom here in the US.  

     This student of mine has been very disrespectful.  He wrote a very hate-filled essay about me, and how I "judge religions" when I'm too stupid to know anything about it.  This is shocking, considering all I said about Mormonism is that they are different from our school's faith. Even saying that was at his initiative.  I've never taught a class lesson about Mormons.  I have never brought it up except in response to his disruptions about it.  He also brought his Book of Mormon to school and tried to interrupt our history lesson with a lesson he wanted to teach the class from the book.  Ten years old and he thinks he can take over from the teacher.  I kindly told him to please put it away.  He refused.  I sent him to the office, where the Principal told him not to bring it anymore.  I had to talk to his mother about all the disrespect.  Her response disappointed me.  The gist of it was, "We teach our children that all religions are the same, and that a loving God would never condemn anyone to hell.  He believes you have said all Mormons are bad people, and he is defending his friends.  I'm proud of him, but wish he would do it more respectfully."  Whoa!  

     This mother's response reveals that he has chosen to take my simple statement that Mormons believe differently than Evangelicals (which Mormons would agree with, in fact!), and run about twenty miles with it.  I don't even know his Mormon friends.  I don't even know their names.  I would never have said they were bad people.  Nothing I have said has been unkind or untrue.  I have even told this boy he was free to disagree with me.  You can be as kind and gracious as you want, but some people are still going to take things completely wrongly.  

     Sadly, this woman's response also echoes many Americans' sentiments.  But it's not true.  All religions are NOT the same.  Many religions completely contradict each other.  They can't all be true.  That would be like going to the bank and asking to withdraw five million dollars.  The teller looks at your account and says, "I'm sorry, but you only have thirty dollars in your account.  You can't withdraw five million."  And then you were to say, "Well, that's your truth, but my truth is just as valid, and my truth says I have five million, so please give it to me."  It doesn't work like that!  And if it wouldn't work with tangible things like money, it also wouldn't work with religions.  There can only be one truth.  

     One thing this mom also said was a veiled rebuke about how she wants her kids to "respect all religions".  The implication was that I don't respect all religions.  Here is my response to that.  Yes, we should be respectful to everyone.  But respecting doesn't mean we have to agree with them or say they're right.  Right now, my class is reading a biography about Amy Carmichael.  Amy spent much of her life as a missionary to India.  She was an amazing woman of God.  She didn't go over to India and disrespect their religious beliefs.  She was very respectful, and tried to adapt to their culture.  But she didn't say they were right.  She was there to win them to Christ, and she did!  So many people are in Heaven today because of her witness.  She is a great example.  She respected, but didn't compromise the truth.  First Peter 3:15 says, "...be ready to give an answer for the hope that is in you, with meekness..."  We're to be ready with the truth, but present it humbly.  I'm not perfect, but to the best of my ability, that is what I have tried to do with my class.  Yet, this boy and his mom are responding as if I'm so arrogant and mean.  That's how Bible-believers are being painted by our "neutral" American society.  

Amy Carmichael

     And so, I feel like I'm walking the tightrope.  I'm on that fine line.  I don't want to be unkind or hurtful.  I don't want to speak disrespectfully of other faiths.  However, I also don't want to compromise the truth.  I never want to do that.  If I am to err, I would rather err on the side of speaking the truth than tip-toeing around it in the name of gracious neutrality.  Americans value graciousness, which is a good thing.  Unfortunately, I think the truth is often sacrificed on the altar of graciousness.  Yes, people should be free to choose their faith.  Yes, people should be respected, regardless of their choice.  But they should also hear the truth.  This life is the only chance anyone has to accept Jesus Christ.  Once a person dies, it is too late.  I don't want anyone to be separated from God for eternity.  I want everyone to know Christ in His true glory.  That's why I do what I do.  I'm not "ignorant" or "judging".  I'm certainly not "hateful".  I don't hate anyone, and it bothers me that we live in a society where disagreeing is viewed as hate.  The implication is that I would gleefully torture someone I disagree with.  That's how we're often painted.  But it isn't reality.  I would never harm anyone.  I don't wish anyone ill will.  I simply hold to the truth, at the expense of everything that doesn't line up with it.  If you are a faithful believer who is speaking the truth against opposition, you are not alone.  I hope this encourages you.  Press on!

Conflict Resolution 101

     Yesterday evening, one of my very dearest friends, Amy, called me.  We began with a fun chat about the latest episode of our mutual favorite television show (When Calls the Heart).  We moved on to books and authors we like reading (She mentioned Karen Kingsbury...whom I often read, but at the moment, I am reading a series by Lynn Austin).  Then, Amy got to the point of her call.  She is dealing with a situation at work, involving a very overpowering coworker and a weak boss.  From what I could gather, her boss is intimidated by this overpowering coworker, and is putting the blame on Amy.  It is easier to blame the cooperative employee who won't cause trouble than the one who might do who knows what.  Some of the things this boss told her brought me back to times in my life when I faced similar conflicts.  Amy and I talked about what we've learned in life from these things.  I'm calling it Conflict Resolution 101.  I'm going to give three myths weak authority figures say to dismiss conflicts, and then give the biblical response instead.

I am pictured here with my friend Amy (she is on the left, with the braid).

     Now, before I do this, I want to look at why these authority figures don't want to deal with the heart of conflict.  I would say the reasons are as varied as the people giving them.  I would venture to guess that very few people enjoy conflict.  It can be awkward and uncomfortable.  It can be as simple as that.  A very small percentage of the population are true problem solvers who actually thrive on conflicts, not because they are mean people, but because it is the process of solving a problem.  That isn't most of us, though.  Some people, like Amy's boss, are weak and afraid of stronger personalities.  They don't know what to do, so they shut down.  This may be due to a lack of confidence.  I would guess most of us, though, simply don't know what to say or do in a conflict.  I've had many authority figures, no doubt at a loss, simply give in to the wrongdoer and quote scriptures at the wronged party about forgiveness.  This is what I'm going to address.  You see, anyone can become a skilled conflict resolver!  Here's how.

Myth #1 It's in the past

     This was one of the things Amy's boss told her when she brought up something this overpowering coworker had done that had never been dealt with.  Several months ago, this coworker had gone through her personal property and thrown it in the trash, including some expensive and valuable items.  Amy didn't know about it until it was too late, the trash had been taken.  Amy had wanted this coworker to apologize, make restitution, or at least acknowledge that this had been wrong.  She wanted there to be a policy in place that would prevent this from happening again.  The boss, at the time, promised the three of them would have a meeting.  This never happened.  Months have gone by.  Another issue has come up.  In the confrontation, Amy reminded the boss that he had never followed through in having a meeting with the three of them in regards to the coworker throwing away her property.  The boss frowned at her and said, "It's in the past.  You need to work on your attitude!"  

     There are a lot of scriptural answers to this, which I will share.  At a moment's reaction, though, I think the first answer that immediately comes to mind is the scene from The Lion King, where Rafiki  hits Simba on the head, then insists, "It's in the past."  Simba, of course, responds, "But it still hurts!"  This was the point Rafiki was making, naturally.  Just because something is in the past doesn't mean it is resolved or over.  By that logic, no one should ever be arrested for crimes, because "they're in the past."  There is a difference between personal feelings and justice.  We do need to move on from things that have happened, regardless of if the other party has made it right.  That's the only way we can heal.  But that isn't the attitude authority figures should take when pursuing justice in a situation.  Wrongs must be righted.  

     A very good biblical example is Solomon, the wisest man who ever ruled.  His wisdom was God-given.  In First Kings 3, he was faced with a heated situation.  Two women were disputing which one was the mother of a baby (to read the back story, see First Kings 3:16-28).  Solomon didn't just send them away and say, "Your conflict is the past."  He didn't tell them to work on their attitudes.  This was a very real conflict that deserved a very real solution.  Solomon, with God's wisdom, tested the women to reveal the true mother (again, the story is in First Kings 3:16-18).  He got to the bottom of it.  So that's the first lesson here, ask for God's wisdom!  

     Other scriptural examples of dealing with conflicts that are "in the past" rather than dismissing them are numerous.  One is Ezra chapter 10.  Ezra was called by God to return to Jerusalem and rebuild the temple.  The Jewish people had been in Exile in Babylon (later the Medo-Persian empire).  They had mixed with the ungodly people during this time.  In Ezra 10, Ezra calls these Old Testament believers to separate from these relationships.  They were called to return to God and be holy, removing themselves from unholy Babylonians.  This is so contrary to what we often do today.  By these Israelites did it, in faith and repentance.  They removed themselves from "past" relationships that did not honor God.

     I think one of the best examples to refute the myth of "it's in the past" is the story of David and Bathsheba.  If you're unfamiliar with the story, it can be found in Second Samuel 11.  The gist of the story is, David lusted after another man's wife.  He had her husband killed in order to have her for himself.  He thought he had gotten away with it, but, First Samuel 11 closes with the words, "But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord."  God did not let David get away with it, even though it was "in the past." In the next chapter, God sends Nathan the prophet to confront David.  David, being a godly man who truly loved God, repented immediately.  He even wrote Psalm 51, about how he had sinned and felt terrible about it, and how God forgave him when he repented.  God did forgive David, but there were still dire consequences to his sin (Second Samuel 12:11-14).  

     Just because something is "in the past" doesn't mean it's over.  This is definitely not something a leader should say about a conflict.

Myth #2 "Look at your own life." 

     

     As Christians, we should be examining our own lives regularly.  We should be humble and open to correction from godly people who love us.  That's called accountability, and we all need it.  However, authority figures should never use our own sin (or supposed sin) as an excuse for not dealing with a problem.  When Amy's boss told her to work on her attitude, that was essentially what he was doing.  I once had an authority figure tell me I was too prideful when I presented her with a real issue that was going on, getting bigger, and not being resolved.  Really?  I'm too prideful?  Well, maybe I am, and maybe I'm not, but that has nothing to do with the situation.  That's a smokescreen to avoid dealing with the issue.  It's turning the attention in an entirely different direction by accusing the concerned party.

     I once had someone tell me, "If you think there's a problem, it means you're the one causing it.  Any time you accuse someone of something, it really means you did it."  That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.  By this logic, it means that if someone broke into my house and robbed me, and I called the police and had them arrested for it, it means I'm really the one who broke in and robbed.  That's craziness!  And it is used to turn the attention away from real wrongdoing.  I even knew a pastor (I didn't go to his church, I met him through a ministry) who said all confrontation is a sin.  We know this isn't true, because, once again, Nathan confronted David in Second Samuel 12.  In Matthew 18, Jesus gives the proper way to confront someone in sin.  First, you go to the person privately.  If they won't hear you, bring one or two others.  If they still won't listen, the issue has to be brought before the church.  How embarrassing!  But that's what Jesus said.  If the person still won't hear them, they need to be cast out until they repent.  This sounds harsh to most of us.  I have never seen this done.  I've seen churches and ministries kick people out prematurely for disagreeing with leadership, or even for hearsay.  I've also seen wrongdoing flourish unchecked in churches and ministries.  But I have never seen any group of believers carry this out the way Jesus commanded in Matthew 18.  It somehow offends our American sense of graciousness.  But it has to be done. 

     I believe many people misuse Matthew 7, about taking the plank out of your own eye before you take the speck out of your brother's eye.  Jesus did say those words, and He did mean them.  But he wasn't trying to say we can never mention the "speck" in someone else's eye (the plank and speck represent sins in our lives).  He was saying to first deal with your own issues, and when you have, then you are free to help another person with their's.  And there are times when we don't have a "plank".  Some people use this passage to say that any time you see something wrong in someone else, it means you have something bigger in your life, and that just isn't true.  Jesus was simply reminding us to make sure our lives are right before we try to help someone else.  A lot of people completely ignore the end of the passage, where the person with the "plank" actually does help the one with the "speck" after he has dealt with his "plank." 

     Since we won't be perfect until Heaven, there is always something in our lives we can be working on, but that can't stop us from pursuing righteousness. 

Myth # 3 Forgive and Forget

     This is a phrase that many people use.  It is entirely incorrect, though.  As I've said before, there is a difference between personal feelings and justice.  A leader should be pursuing justice, not giving personal, emotional advice.  For our own healing, we do need to choose forgiveness.  But forgiveness needs to be a voluntary choice of the will, when we are ready to do so.  It can't be manipulated or forced.  Forgiveness is something only God can help us do.  We can't muster it up in ourselves.  Time and again, I've seen God work in my own life and help me forgive, where it would have been impossible in my own strength.  The same is true for every believer.  It's something God does in us.  It is not something that another human being can make us do.  And, as I've mentioned, it isn't the leader's job to give advice about forgiveness.  It is the leader's job to do what is right and pursue justice.  That may be hard, but it's their job.  I'll come back to that in a moment.

     While we are called to forgive those who sin against us, we are never commanded to forget.  Forgiveness doesn't mean we forget.  It is true that we shouldn't dwell on it, but to forget it would be to forget the life lessons God taught you through the situation.  God never wants us to forget what He did in and through us.  He can use difficulties to make us wise, make us more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-30).  If we just forget them, they can't do the work they were meant to do in us.  If we forget things, we don't heal.  We are called to remember certain things. 

     God instituted the Passover in the book of Exodus.  This was the be a celebration the Jews were to participate in every year, to remind them of how God freed them from Egypt, and to point them to Jesus as the Messiah.  Jesus Himself celebrated the Passover.  Does this mean the Jews didn't forgive the Egyptians for enslaving them?  Not at all.  It means they remembered what God did for them. 

     Forgiveness doesn't mean we pretend the bad thing didn't happen.  It doesn't mean we have to trust or befriend the person who wronged us.  It simply means we release them off our hook and put them onto God's.  We give up the right for revenge.  When we make this simple choice, God begins to work in us, giving us love for our enemies, and the ability to pray for them and want God's best for them.  Nowhere in the Bible does God command us to "kiss and make up" or give an insincere apology the way parents and teachers often do.  Wanting justice doesn't mean we haven't forgiven.  In Revelation 6:9-11, we read about believers who were slain for their testimony of Jesus during the tribulation.  At the point we encounter them in scripture, they are in Heaven, and then beg God for justice for what happened to them.  Since they have died and are in Heaven with God, this means they are perfect and sinless. This would lead me to believe it is not a sin to want justice.  These saints are not pretending it didn't happen.  They are not smiling and saying, "It's in the past."  They are not saying, "Well, it was probably my fault.  I didn't take the plank out of my own eye."  They want real justice.  I believe the desire for things to be made right is a holy, godly desire.  It isn't a sin.  It is what God put into us. 

     How does this all tie together?  As leaders, we need to pray for God's wisdom, like Solomon did.  If we are afraid and intimidated, we need to ask God for His help, surrendering it to Him.  We need to pursue justice, not sweep things under the rug.  Maybe the people involved need to forgive, but that isn't your job.  Your job is to pursue justice.  This may mean confronting someone in the wrong.  Once you have done that, if they don't change, you need to confront them again, possibly remind them that you may need to ask them to leave if this continues.  Then stick to your guns.  There are so many weak leaders, afraid and nervous, unsure of what to do.  God has given His answers to you.  Plus, it's just common sense.  You know what to do.  Get out there and do it.  

Totally Candid

*Please note when reading the following that I am speaking candidly about my experiencesl.  I have not named specific people or institutions involved.  

                It’s been a hard week.  To explain why, I need to back up…

                Last August, Walter and I moved from South Dakota to New Mexico.  It was hard to uproot, but we had never really felt as if the Midwest was permanent for us.  It didn’t quite feel like home (although we made many lifelong friends, and greatly miss our church family, neighbors and coworkers there).  We are both Southwesterners.  Arriving in Albuquerque was like coming home in a lot of ways. 

Our engagement photo, 2015, in Yucca Valley, CA.  We are true southwesterners and desert rats!

           Finding a church was hard.  But we did.  In fact, just today, we became members of Monterey Baptist Church.  The process of visiting churches in this vast city was overwhelming to us.  It took an emotional toll, while all the time, we missed our church in South Dakota.  But God led us, and here we are.

                The reason we had moved out here was that Walter had gotten into the grad program here.  I got a job at the University’s preschool.  It looked like a good situation.  On top of that, Walter got us an apartment in student family housing.  We paid for the entire year there.

                The university didn’t end up working out for us.  In my humble opinion, that place is insane.  Both Walter and I ran into the same madness.  I know this sounds dramatic to say, but it’s as if Satan himself runs that university.  We ran into true wickedness.  Both of us concluded this was not where we belonged.  Walter is now enrolled in Liberty University online.

                The hard part was that I have always received rave reviews at work, both in California and South Dakota.  I was constantly praised and promoted.  However, the university's preschool was on the verge of firing me when I resigned.  No matter what I did, I was somehow violating some crazy policy that no one had bothered to tell me.  I told a group of students, “If you put your shoes on, we’ll go outside.”  I was told that was “threatening” the children, because I said an “if/you” statement.  It was this kind of madness that caused me to just need to leave.  I have naturally low blood pressure, but it was actually high when I worked there!  I could go on and on about the craziness that reigns sovereign there, but I won’t.  I want to forget it. 

                I was reeling from the experience.  My confidence had been shaken after two and a half months working there.  I didn’t know what I’d do next.  Two days after I resigned, I received an email from a Christian School at which I had applied before coming out here.  There was a sudden opening.  This was definitely a God thing!  I went in for an interview, and was hired!  I have been teaching the 5^th grade class since November. 

                Even though we had paid for the entire year at the student family housing, they told us in February that we had three weeks to move out, as Walter was no longer a student (he hadn't been for a few months, but it took them that long to tell us this!).  That was scary.  We did find a place in time, and God really had provided for the move.  We are happily settling into a new place in a better part of town.  All connections with the university are completely dissolved.  Thank you, Lord!

I have loved this job teaching at the Christian school.  I have learned so much, and really felt I was doing a good job.  It built my confidence, and also gave me an opportunity to impact these students.  Two in particular are very special to me.  One of these two boys received Christ in our class shortly after I arrived.  It has been a joy to see him grow.  The other one has a lot of emotional hurts in his life, and also struggles in school, and I have really felt God wanted me to encourage him and help him.  I believe I have done that in God’s strength.  I think I’ve done a good job for all the students in the class.

A few things have come up.  I have a very manipulative student.  This student twists things when she doesn’t get her way.  Her grandmother (the legal guardian), is constantly confronting me for weird things that never happened.  Both the girl and her grandma blame me for any grades she gets that are lower than an A.  There is no responsibility taken.  I’ve been kind, but firm.  Anyway, this grandmother went and told the principal some things about me.  Some were misrepresentations of things I said, others were out and out lies.  The principal chose to believe her, even though I shared what had actually happened.  I’m telling you, these manipulators will stop at nothing.  It’s happened to me before. 

Anyway, we had our performance reviews, and this required me to meet with the principal and vice-principal.  The vice-principal had only kind things to say about me and how I’m doing.  The principal wasn’t so encouraging, having written all of the lies the manipulative girl and her grandma told about me on the evaluation, even though I had shared the truth.  The principal gave a few helpful suggestions, but most of what was said shows that my teaching really hasn't been observed very much at all.  I politely listened, a few times clarifying the truth (which, of course, made no difference).  Everywhere else I have worked, staff write their own evaluations in addition to the boss', and the principal is required to keep our evaluations with their evaluations of us in our file.  Not here.  Anyway, this was where the bombshell hit.  They are not going to renew my contract for next year.  I still have the job through the end of the school year (May), but that’s it.  They claim that “the main reason” (meaning there are other, smaller reasons) is because my college degree isn’t recognized by their accreditation.  Long story about that.  That in itself isn’t offensive.  That’s simply a fact.  But the implication of this performance review really hurts. 

I felt numb after this.  I feel very misunderstood.  I feel that, once again, the manipulators have won.  I also feel like there’s some curse on me in New Mexico with employment.  I know there isn’t.  It just feels like it.  I’m really hurt to not be able to continue this job that I have enjoyed so much.  It’s been hard to go back every day after that, pretending all is normal when I want to cry. But I know God has given me an open door for the next two months.  Nothing can change the fact that God provided this job right when I needed it.  I was encouraged today by Revelations 3:8, “I have set before you an open door, that no one can shut.  I know you have little strength, but you have kept My word, and have not denied My name.” 

I feel purposeless.  I don’t know what to do.  To be honest, I am very, very tired.  I am more than tired, I’m weary.  I also have deeper longings. 

All my life, the main thing I have wanted was to be a mother and homemaker.  God has given me so much beyond. I’ve been a missionary in Africa and the United States.  I’ve mentored youth who’ve gone into the ministry.  I’ve led junior high Bible studies.  I’ve taught at AWANA conferences.  I’ve taken teens on mission trips.  I've taught Good News Clubs.  I’ve seen God work in some amazing ways.  I don’t regret any of it.  But ultimately, what I wanted most in all the world was to marry a wonderful Christian man, and to have kids.  I’ve done the first one. 

Child evangelism at the fair

Another long story that I won’t go into is that I faced some very hurtful rejections when I was in high school and college.  One was from a young man I thought I’d marry.  The pain from that left me with a lot of fear.  Not bitterness or unforgiveness, but it colored the lens by which I saw reality.  I felt very insecure being single, as if everyone could tell just by looking at me that I was single because I had been rejected.  Well-meaning people sometimes made hurtful comments, such as, "When I was your age, I was already married with three kids!"  Ouch.  I didn’t marry Walter until I was thirty-three.  God sovereignly saved us for each other and brought us together in His timing.  I wouldn’t trade my life with him for anything.  We have been married four years now.  I don’t always like to share that particular detail with people, because I don’t want them to look at me and know I married as old as I did.  Somehow, the insecurities I felt when I was single still linger, and I don’t want people to read those past rejections on me.  But that’s wrong.  My story is God’s story.  I know so many wonderful people who never married at all!  I've known others who married older than I did.  Thirty-three isn't ancient anyway.  I'm glad it was then and not sooner, because I truly believe in God's timing on this.  Marriage shouldn’t be what defines any of us.  This goes to show how strong the power of those rejections still are to me.  God had plans for me to do ministry in my 20’s.  I needed to be single to be effective at those particular things.  Everyone has their own story.  There is not "right" age to marry.  I wish the body of Christ were better at supporting each other in both singleness and marriage, whichever place God has a person.  No one really helped me see that I should treasure those single years.  Everyone instead told me they were a curse or disease that needed to be cured.  Sadly, I believed them, feeling that way myself.  I'm delighted to be married to the man God had for me all along.  I wish I had cherished those single years more, though, because they were truly remarkable. 

My ministry prayer card from my single years of US mission work

Walter and I enjoy marriage greatly, but so far have not been blessed with children.  It’s harder when I see people posting pictures of sonograms on Facebook (which, no offence, I think is a bit tacky.  No one can read it.  I thought of posting my gallbladder X-ray and seeing what people said!).  But the truth is, my opinion about sonograms being tacky is probably motivated by jealousy.  I also get pressure from people.  “When are you going to have kids?”  I even had someone over Christmas tell me my life was empty and meaningless without kids.  I know that’s not true, but it hurts.  A lot. The answer I give is, "I don't know when we'll have kids, but we sure enjoy trying!"  I figure if they ask a vulgar question, they can expect a vulgar answer.

gallbladder x-ray

     Now that I’ve lost my dream job for next year, I’m really struggling with all of this.  Walter and I have some plans for the future that leave me encouraged.  Please pray for us as we work out these plans that we believe God gave us.  Mainly, though, we need God to work.  Right now, the biggest thing I need is emotional and spiritual rest.  I need to find my purpose and fulfillment in Christ.  It’s easier to say it than do it. 

The Threat

     I like people.  I want friends.  I want to get along.  I want peace.  I hate conflict.  I don't enjoy confrontation.  I want to accept others for who they are, as they do the same for me.  I want to have close camaraderie with fellow believers.  These relationships are precious to me.  Dealing with people this side of Heaven isn't always that simple, though.   I wish it was.
 

     Have you ever struggled with another person, and really needed advice?  After a lot of prayer, you went to someone you respect and trust and poured out your heart.  Then they did one of three things.  Either they:

1) looked reproachfully at you and told you to stop gossiping, making you feel ashamed and second-guessing yourself.

2) told you to take the plank out of your own eye, stop judging, give preference to others, etc.  Perhaps they even quoted the scripture verses these statements come from, again, making you feel like you're the one with the problem and the other person is 100% innocent.

3)  told you to ignore the other person's issues.  Maybe said something like, "The world is full of people like that, and they're not going to change." This response might make you feel hopeless.

     I have gotten all three of these responses at different times.  I believe there is a time and place for these things to be said, but I believe they are over-said.  Many people are ill-equipped to give counsel in these areas, so they fall back on these standard answers.  Here is my reaction to them.

     1) Gossip is often defined as talking about others behind their backs  I agree this is part of gossip.  I believe gossip involves a little more.  I believe it is idle or malicious talk about someone to others, especially when the person doing the talking is neither part of the problem nor the solution.  In other words, it's talking about someone when it is none of my business to share.  Gossip is often untrue, or at least unverified.  I have been on the receiving end of gossip.  I had to change my email address years ago because of it.  So in no way do I defend gossip.   But also, I want to make sure that I only use the word gossip to define actual gossip. Having a problem and finding someone to share with who will keep it confidential and give me godly advice isn't gossip.  I have met people who called everything they didn't like as "gossip" simply because they didn't want to deal with it, or it was a way to turn attention away from wrongdoing.

     2) When I've shared my heart in confidence, and the person responds with a bunch of verses that point to me being the problem, I've been hurt badly.  It is hurtful to be rebuked like that.  It is unfair.  Verses like Matthew 7:5 (Take the plank out of your own eye...), Matthew 7:1 (don't judge, lest you be judged...), Romans 12:10 (give preference one to another) and others are part of God's holy word, and are true.  God put them in the Bible for a reason.  Unfortunately, these verses are often misused to point the finger at the wrong person.  Just because I share about a conflict with someone doesn't automatically make me the problem.  If I'm seeking help and advice, chances are I'm not the problem (at least not all of it).  These misused verses are a trite answer to an often deep and complex problem that requires a lot of prayer and examination.

     3) Ignoring real issues is never the answer.  Saying that people are just like that and we can't escape it is a defeatist attitude.  Problems need to be addressed, whether or not they're everywhere.

     Interpersonal problems are very real, and deserve more than a trite answer.  I have often been left feeling like I'm a terrible person after being given these answers.  I never had an advocate in these situations.  I am now learning to let the Lord be my advocate.  I also have my husband and a few accountability partners who are in my corner.  That helps.

     Everyone is different, but I'm going to share what my experiences with this have been.

     I try to be kind and gracious.  I think I succeed most of the time.  I don't argue with people who disagree with me.  I realize I'm not able to change anyone's mind.  I respect people's intelligence more than that.  I will share my views, but won't get nasty with those who believe differently.  I pray for those I believe to be in the wrong, and try to be teachable to the fact that I might be wrong.  I want to be seen as someone with a quiet spirit.  My mother raised us that way, being a gracious, soft-spoken woman herself.  Some see me that way, and have said so.  Others do not.  I have also been described as having that "prophecy" spiritual gift.  I've been told I have a strong personality.  I've been called "intimidating".  I hate that.  I have no desire to intimidate anyone.  Nice people have said I "challenge" others.  I guess that's a little better.  The thing I hate the most is that I've been called "the threat."  I don't want to threaten anyone.  Even though I never look for trouble, I seem to end up in interpersonal situations.  For much of my life, this affected the way I saw myself, and I really struggled.  Only recently do I believe I understand it better.

     I do not try to create trouble or make controversial statements.  I try to do what leads to peace.  But there are two very big things that affect people.  I will always speak the truth (in love), and I don't let others control me.  I want real peace, not pseudo-peace that comes when we sit on the truth and refuse to acknowledge it.  I literally feel physical pain if I let these important truths remain unspoken.  As soon as I speak up, I feel intense relief, even if people are mad at me.  I don't try to control anyone, but I don't let others do it to me either.  Most average people like me for that, but manipulative people hate my guts.  It has always been this way, as long as I can remember...

     When I was a baby in the nursery at church, I'm told I would bite other babies if they were being bad.  One time, the teacher told my parents about it, but then said, "But don't spank her for it.  She just did what the rest of us wanted to do to him, but we couldn't get away with it!"

     I was in a very close-knit church and home-school community growing up.  In kindergarten, I began riding to school (twice a week elective classes) with a family who lived near us.  Our families took turns carpooling.  This family had two daughters, whom I'll call Angela and Stacy.  I was excited to become their friends at first, but I quickly saw that they were mean.  They were very close with weak-willed girls who did whatever they wanted.  Often, they made their followers be mean to others.  I refused to do it.  I was sweet to Angela and Stacy, and tried to be friends, but I didn't go along with them.  They got their group of friends to snub me.  I didn't care too much, because there were enough wonderful friends in our group that I could easily ignore Angela and Stacy's clique.  I remember one time, they put tape in my hair, just to be mean.  All their nasty friends laughed at me as I tried to get it out.  I remember thinking, "They're mean.  They're probably not Christians."  So I tried to witness to them.  I remember Stacy's eyes lighting up when I mentioned Jesus, and she said she had asked Him into her heart.  At the look in her eyes, I immediately believed her.  Angela never gave indication of believing.  But anyway, this was my earliest experience of manipulative people disliking me.  I tried to go to a teacher, but the teacher wasn't equipped to deal with it.  She told me to ignore it.  This was my first (but certainly not last) experience of being nonplussed by authority figure's lame attempts to solve problems.   

Me as a kindergartner, 1987

     I grew up with a false assumption from this.  I thought they had disliked me and been rude to me because I was perceived as weak, or defective in some way.  But that wasn't it.  If I had been, they would have loved to have me on their team of brats.  They didn't like me because I was a threat to them.  They couldn't control me.  I wouldn't play their games, and therefore, to be near me was to invalidate what they were doing.  They weren't content to live and let live.  They wanted to remove me as a threat to their power--even though I never wanted to threaten their power.  My "crime" against them was not being manipulated by them.  My very existence offended them because of this.

     I grew up experiencing this here and there.  I've always been blessed with good people in my life, but I continually run into manipulative people who dislike me and do all in their power to discredit or remove me.  This used to hurt my feelings badly.  I don't like being part of the drama.  I never go looking for it.  I try to stay away from it.  I try to spend time with people who encourage me, and whom I can encourage.  But somehow, I end up dealing with these people.  

     I experienced many times like this in my teen years, and every time, it hurt a little worse, casting self-doubts into me.  I was constantly blamed by authority figures.  I felt like I was a bad person, but didn't know what to do or how to stop these crazy conflicts from happening around me.  Fortunately, God has always been faithful to give me good friends in the midst of it.     

Me in junior high, Christmas 1995.  I was all dolled up for the church Christmas play, but got sick at the last minute and couldn't go on.  

Me (the slightly shorter one), pictured with a good friend, Crystal, at Christian Youth in Action training in 1999.  I was a high school senior, and a third-year summer missionary.  

        I entered adulthood unsure of where my blame lay in these different experiences I'd faced.  I'd been told many incorrect things by authority figures (mostly well-meaning).  I was tired of being the bad guy.  

     The summer I was eighteen, 2000, I went on a mission trip to Zambia.  One of my three teammates was a manipulator.  Another one.  Something I just couldn't escape in life.  People who observed our team told me, "I knew if there were problems, they would involve you somehow."  Well, thanks a lot.  Thanks a whole lot!  I tried to get to know my teammates, as well as the other students at training (who were going to a total of ten different nations).  My controlling teammate just didn't want to be friends.  

     The second day of training was Sunday.  We were in a church service in Missouri.  The lyrics to the songs we were singing were printed out on an insert in the bulletin.  As we sang, I dropped my insert.  I bent down to pick it up, and caught the slightest movement.  My controlling teammate, who was next to me, had stepped on the insert.  She'd made it look like an accident.  She stood straight up, singing the worship songs reverently.  I tried to pull the insert out from under her foot, and it wouldn't budge!  I tried to work it out, and eventually just ripped it.  She knew what she was doing.  It's a small, unimportant thing.  Something to just let go of.  But it's also a symptom of something bigger.  A deeper problem.  This teammate continued doing manipulative things to me.  She destroyed my shoes (long story, but along the same lines as the bulletin insert thing), humiliated me, spread ugly rumors about me, and even destroyed other people's property and blamed it on me...not to mention criticized every tiny thing I did every moment we were around each other.  It was totally maddening.  Why would anyone do this?  The simple answers I got were things like...

     "Well, you need to take the plank out of your own eye."  

     

     "Don't you dare judge her!"

     "If you think she's sinning, it really means you're sinning and projecting your sin onto her."

     "You need to be more loving."

     "You need to be a better Christian."

     "You have a very small heart and need to grow."

     Not one person was willing to say that this teammate was wrong.  Everything was somehow my fault.  Why?  I never attacked her.  I never said an unkind word to her.  Even when I asked her to stop doing certain things, I did it kindly, and in private.  But somehow, I was the bad guy.  All of these answers assume that I was the one initiating all trouble, and that if I just changed in some way, everything would be perfect.  I never had that kind of power.  Also, these answers are very trite and simple, when in reality, a good answer for something like this would need to be in-depth, as this was a complex problem.  No one was willing (or able) to deal with this in the right way.  Perhaps they were scared or intimidated by my manipulative teammate, and just wished I were too, so that she could have free reign to control everything in peace, unopposed.  I got the feeling I was resented for not simply accepting her abuse quietly.  Everyone else did.  

     Several years later, I was teaching a junior high Bible study group in Yucaipa, CA.  

My junior high students, 2011

      I taught these seventh-and-eighth graders for a few years, and loved it.  I bonded with the students.  With God's help, I believe I was a good Bible teacher for these kids.  I made strong efforts not to show any favoritism.  I tried to tap into each student's potential, and tell them what I saw God doing in them.  I wanted to encourage them.  I used fun object lessons to teach truths.  I brought candy!  I took them on fun outings to get frozen yogurt.  I went to see them in their sports events or home-school-group theater productions.  I had an open door policy, allowing them to call or email me at any time, which they did.  I prayed with them when they'd share prayer requests.  Most of all, I pointed them to the Bible, and to God.  One girl in this class led a Buddhist neighbor to the Lord.  Others got involved in different ministries as they got older.    So much fruit came out of our group.  I knew God was using it.  But there was a problem.  More controlling people.  

     The woman who co-led the group with me was one of those controllers.  At the time, I was kind of new to the area, having just moved to that town (after having lost everything I held dear in Riverside in the Great Recession, but that's another story).  I was also single at the time.  This co-leader (who actually taught the elementary kids, but was with me for the beginning and end of the study time) had an aversion to me immediately.  When we met, I tried to introduce myself, and she physically turned her body away from me.  I tried to strike up conversation, and it was very clear she didn't want to talk to me.  As we began planning class, she opposed every idea I had.  When I would question ideas she had, she insisted it had to be the way she was saying.  She put on a show of being best friends with all the mothers of the kids we'd have, and that they all agreed with her and would never agree with me.  

      

     Once class started up, this co-leader tried everything in her power not to let me develop relationships with the other women.  If I tried to talk to them, she'd cut between us and invite them over to her house in front of me.  She would loudly tell me how sorry she was for me that I was single.  One woman overheard this and said, "Don't listen to her, Janelle.  God will bring the right man to you.  You're doing the right thing in waiting on Him."  My co-leader looked at her and asked, "When is your baby due?" When she wasn't pregnant!  How mean!  In spite of this, everyone there seemed to think she was this godly woman, and it made me wonder if I was seeing things incorrectly.  Who was I to disagree with popular opinion, right?  

     Her daughter happened to be in my group, and this girl was pretty manipulative herself.  If I didn't give her her own way, she would go cry to her mommy, who would bypass talking to me, and instead tattle on me to the higher ups in this ministry.  Her daughter was such a spoiled brat, and was the only dark spot in the junior high class.  This girl didn't want to be loved, accepted or even treated fairly by me.  She wanted control.  Because I didn't do that for her, I paid the price.  Like mother, like daughter.  This girl did little disruptive things during the study.  She would use fake shyness to get attention.  She got her weak-willed best friend to be mean to a more confident girl with her.  For the first time, I began to see my own childhood experiences through different eyes.  I saw myself in the confidant girl, and my past enemies (for lack of better word) in this girl and her weak buddy.  I had to try very hard to be objective at that point, but I believe I did that.  I tried to be fair and not let my personal feelings get in the way.  I did separate the controller from her follower with a new seating arrangement.  I had to keep the rest of the group safe from mean treatment.  I believe God gave me insight into it so that I could keep it safe for others.  I wish my past teachers had done that for me.  I tried to do activities that bonded everyone and made everyone feel loved, secure, and belonging.  But that wasn't what she wanted.  

     One time, this girl misrepresented something I had said.  Her mother confronted me in a humiliating and public way.  I was completely embarrassed, and went to the bathroom to cry.  This woman told me all the moms were mad at me.  I was terrified to face this angry mob of mommies.  But it turned out NONE of them were mad!  Most didn't even know about the thing I'd said that this woman didn't like, but those who did actually liked it.  In an email later that day, I confronted her for lying and saying that the other women were mad at me.  Her response was that Satan was using me to attack her.  She took no responsibility.  Everything was either Satan's fault, God's fault, or my fault, but never hers.  I never heard her ever take responsibility for anything in the three years we taught together.  She never listened to anything I had to say.  My weakness in this was that I tried for three years, when really, it was obvious from the start we weren't working well together.  But I had been beaten down so many times, told that it was my fault, that I needed to take the plank out of my eye, etc.  I thought that if I had a Christlike attitude, I could change this.  That's the message I'd been given all my life.  I just wasn't godly or Christlike enough.  If I were, I wouldn't be in these messes.  But I had been told wrongly.  All of it was wrong.  I have no control over anyone but myself, and even then, I can only control myself with the Holy Spirit's help.  

     This woman and her daughter lied about me again later on, and because they were patron saints of that Bible study (I'm being sarcastic!), they were believed and I was kicked out without even being allowed to set the record straight.  After that, some people I had counted as friends wouldn't speak to me.  I was the subject of gossip in the small, Bible-belt-of-California town.  

     Ironically, I was kicked out of that Bible study two years TO THE DATE before my wedding day!

December 19, a redeemed day!

          After being kicked out of that Bible study, I was hurt, but not utterly crushed.  I was strong in faith, and just trying to figure out what had gone wrong.  That was when a wonderful friend named Kim reached out to me.  Kim became an amazing mentor to me, and is still one of my dearest friends and accountability partners.  Kim had been in the Bible study.  Her kids had been in the junior high class I had taught.  Getting ahead of myself, her daughter would be a junior bridesmaid in my wedding.  But anyway, Kim invited me to attend Celebrate Recovery, an amazing, recovery-based Bible study.
     "This will be different from any other Bible study you ever went to," Kim promised when she invited me.  She was right.  

     I had been kicked out of something, so being invited to something seemed so redemptive.  I knew God was using her to get me into it.  

     At Celebrate Recovery, I made friends with real people who were honest about their struggles.  I wasn't a threat there, because no one was there to be manipulative.  We were there to get help and healing.  Nobody was there to impress anyone or show off.  We were allowed to openly share our triumphs and failures without commentary from anyone else.  I worked through the study, with Kim as my sponsor.  I was able to see how the incorrect answers I had been given in the past gave me a wrong view of myself, and of how God wanted me to handle situations.  I concluded that all these people in my past had been insecure and manipulative, and that I simply wouldn't be manipulated.  This was their sin, not mine.  I hadn't been wrong, they had.  No one wanted to deal with it.  Now, was I perfect?  No.  Not by a long shot.  In fact, even though I had not sinned in refusing to let them control me, I did sin in instances that went beyond that.  Sometimes, once a manipulation started, it became like a game to me.  It was a win/lose thing that I was determined to win.  I never wanted to be weak, or let anyone get the better of me.  That's definitely how it had been with the co-leader who lied about me and got me kicked out.  In other instances, I had responded in bitterness, or been contrary.  I repented of this, and with God's help, continue to grow.  

     In some cases, I owed certain people apologies, and I did that.  It's hard to apologize, because often, the other person owes me an apology too...but they probably won't give it.  I just had to humble myself and say I was sorry, asking for forgiveness for where I was wrong.  In some cases, the other person also asked for forgiveness, which led to reconciliation.  In other instances, the person would say, "Oh, I forgave you a long time ago.  Glad to see you finally realized the error of your ways," and it boiled my blood, because they were just as wrong as me, and yet they self-righteously accepted my apology without offering one of their own.  But that's their "side of the street".  God can deal with them.  That isn't my job.  I just need to make things right on my end.  It's hard, but worth it.  

     I still struggle with manipulative people.  I believe God has given me insight in this area.  I wish more people on the outside of things took me seriously, instead of seeing me as the bad guy for simply calling out something that's already there.  I am currently dealing with a manipulative student in my class at the Christian school.  The principal is kind and supportive, but doesn't really see the situation for what it is.  I feel like I'm fighting the same battle I've fought a million times.  But this time, I see it realistically.  I'm spending time with Jesus, praying for the right responses.

     Jesus dealt with manipulative people too.  The Pharisees hated Him, simply because they couldn't control him.  They successfully controlled everyone else.  Jesus was kind to them, but he didn't tolerate their manipulation.  They couldn't let this go.  They weren't satisfied until they killed Him.  But He won.  He rose again.  He will give me the victory I need as well.  I also see that, when it wasn't Jesus' time to die yet, He would often pull away from the Pharisees when they got to be too difficult.  He went by Himself, to regather Himself with the Father.  That's what I need to do.  I don't believe there's a one-size-fits-all response for dealing with manipulative people, but I know God will help me on a case-by-case basis.  This is my prayer.