The Threat

     I like people.  I want friends.  I want to get along.  I want peace.  I hate conflict.  I don't enjoy confrontation.  I want to accept others for who they are, as they do the same for me.  I want to have close camaraderie with fellow believers.  These relationships are precious to me.  Dealing with people this side of Heaven isn't always that simple, though.   I wish it was.
 

     Have you ever struggled with another person, and really needed advice?  After a lot of prayer, you went to someone you respect and trust and poured out your heart.  Then they did one of three things.  Either they:

1) looked reproachfully at you and told you to stop gossiping, making you feel ashamed and second-guessing yourself.

2) told you to take the plank out of your own eye, stop judging, give preference to others, etc.  Perhaps they even quoted the scripture verses these statements come from, again, making you feel like you're the one with the problem and the other person is 100% innocent.

3)  told you to ignore the other person's issues.  Maybe said something like, "The world is full of people like that, and they're not going to change." This response might make you feel hopeless.

     I have gotten all three of these responses at different times.  I believe there is a time and place for these things to be said, but I believe they are over-said.  Many people are ill-equipped to give counsel in these areas, so they fall back on these standard answers.  Here is my reaction to them.

     1) Gossip is often defined as talking about others behind their backs  I agree this is part of gossip.  I believe gossip involves a little more.  I believe it is idle or malicious talk about someone to others, especially when the person doing the talking is neither part of the problem nor the solution.  In other words, it's talking about someone when it is none of my business to share.  Gossip is often untrue, or at least unverified.  I have been on the receiving end of gossip.  I had to change my email address years ago because of it.  So in no way do I defend gossip.   But also, I want to make sure that I only use the word gossip to define actual gossip. Having a problem and finding someone to share with who will keep it confidential and give me godly advice isn't gossip.  I have met people who called everything they didn't like as "gossip" simply because they didn't want to deal with it, or it was a way to turn attention away from wrongdoing.

     2) When I've shared my heart in confidence, and the person responds with a bunch of verses that point to me being the problem, I've been hurt badly.  It is hurtful to be rebuked like that.  It is unfair.  Verses like Matthew 7:5 (Take the plank out of your own eye...), Matthew 7:1 (don't judge, lest you be judged...), Romans 12:10 (give preference one to another) and others are part of God's holy word, and are true.  God put them in the Bible for a reason.  Unfortunately, these verses are often misused to point the finger at the wrong person.  Just because I share about a conflict with someone doesn't automatically make me the problem.  If I'm seeking help and advice, chances are I'm not the problem (at least not all of it).  These misused verses are a trite answer to an often deep and complex problem that requires a lot of prayer and examination.

     3) Ignoring real issues is never the answer.  Saying that people are just like that and we can't escape it is a defeatist attitude.  Problems need to be addressed, whether or not they're everywhere.

     Interpersonal problems are very real, and deserve more than a trite answer.  I have often been left feeling like I'm a terrible person after being given these answers.  I never had an advocate in these situations.  I am now learning to let the Lord be my advocate.  I also have my husband and a few accountability partners who are in my corner.  That helps.

     Everyone is different, but I'm going to share what my experiences with this have been.

     I try to be kind and gracious.  I think I succeed most of the time.  I don't argue with people who disagree with me.  I realize I'm not able to change anyone's mind.  I respect people's intelligence more than that.  I will share my views, but won't get nasty with those who believe differently.  I pray for those I believe to be in the wrong, and try to be teachable to the fact that I might be wrong.  I want to be seen as someone with a quiet spirit.  My mother raised us that way, being a gracious, soft-spoken woman herself.  Some see me that way, and have said so.  Others do not.  I have also been described as having that "prophecy" spiritual gift.  I've been told I have a strong personality.  I've been called "intimidating".  I hate that.  I have no desire to intimidate anyone.  Nice people have said I "challenge" others.  I guess that's a little better.  The thing I hate the most is that I've been called "the threat."  I don't want to threaten anyone.  Even though I never look for trouble, I seem to end up in interpersonal situations.  For much of my life, this affected the way I saw myself, and I really struggled.  Only recently do I believe I understand it better.

     I do not try to create trouble or make controversial statements.  I try to do what leads to peace.  But there are two very big things that affect people.  I will always speak the truth (in love), and I don't let others control me.  I want real peace, not pseudo-peace that comes when we sit on the truth and refuse to acknowledge it.  I literally feel physical pain if I let these important truths remain unspoken.  As soon as I speak up, I feel intense relief, even if people are mad at me.  I don't try to control anyone, but I don't let others do it to me either.  Most average people like me for that, but manipulative people hate my guts.  It has always been this way, as long as I can remember...

     When I was a baby in the nursery at church, I'm told I would bite other babies if they were being bad.  One time, the teacher told my parents about it, but then said, "But don't spank her for it.  She just did what the rest of us wanted to do to him, but we couldn't get away with it!"

     I was in a very close-knit church and home-school community growing up.  In kindergarten, I began riding to school (twice a week elective classes) with a family who lived near us.  Our families took turns carpooling.  This family had two daughters, whom I'll call Angela and Stacy.  I was excited to become their friends at first, but I quickly saw that they were mean.  They were very close with weak-willed girls who did whatever they wanted.  Often, they made their followers be mean to others.  I refused to do it.  I was sweet to Angela and Stacy, and tried to be friends, but I didn't go along with them.  They got their group of friends to snub me.  I didn't care too much, because there were enough wonderful friends in our group that I could easily ignore Angela and Stacy's clique.  I remember one time, they put tape in my hair, just to be mean.  All their nasty friends laughed at me as I tried to get it out.  I remember thinking, "They're mean.  They're probably not Christians."  So I tried to witness to them.  I remember Stacy's eyes lighting up when I mentioned Jesus, and she said she had asked Him into her heart.  At the look in her eyes, I immediately believed her.  Angela never gave indication of believing.  But anyway, this was my earliest experience of manipulative people disliking me.  I tried to go to a teacher, but the teacher wasn't equipped to deal with it.  She told me to ignore it.  This was my first (but certainly not last) experience of being nonplussed by authority figure's lame attempts to solve problems.   

Me as a kindergartner, 1987

     I grew up with a false assumption from this.  I thought they had disliked me and been rude to me because I was perceived as weak, or defective in some way.  But that wasn't it.  If I had been, they would have loved to have me on their team of brats.  They didn't like me because I was a threat to them.  They couldn't control me.  I wouldn't play their games, and therefore, to be near me was to invalidate what they were doing.  They weren't content to live and let live.  They wanted to remove me as a threat to their power--even though I never wanted to threaten their power.  My "crime" against them was not being manipulated by them.  My very existence offended them because of this.

     I grew up experiencing this here and there.  I've always been blessed with good people in my life, but I continually run into manipulative people who dislike me and do all in their power to discredit or remove me.  This used to hurt my feelings badly.  I don't like being part of the drama.  I never go looking for it.  I try to stay away from it.  I try to spend time with people who encourage me, and whom I can encourage.  But somehow, I end up dealing with these people.  

     I experienced many times like this in my teen years, and every time, it hurt a little worse, casting self-doubts into me.  I was constantly blamed by authority figures.  I felt like I was a bad person, but didn't know what to do or how to stop these crazy conflicts from happening around me.  Fortunately, God has always been faithful to give me good friends in the midst of it.     

Me in junior high, Christmas 1995.  I was all dolled up for the church Christmas play, but got sick at the last minute and couldn't go on.  

Me (the slightly shorter one), pictured with a good friend, Crystal, at Christian Youth in Action training in 1999.  I was a high school senior, and a third-year summer missionary.  

        I entered adulthood unsure of where my blame lay in these different experiences I'd faced.  I'd been told many incorrect things by authority figures (mostly well-meaning).  I was tired of being the bad guy.  

     The summer I was eighteen, 2000, I went on a mission trip to Zambia.  One of my three teammates was a manipulator.  Another one.  Something I just couldn't escape in life.  People who observed our team told me, "I knew if there were problems, they would involve you somehow."  Well, thanks a lot.  Thanks a whole lot!  I tried to get to know my teammates, as well as the other students at training (who were going to a total of ten different nations).  My controlling teammate just didn't want to be friends.  

     The second day of training was Sunday.  We were in a church service in Missouri.  The lyrics to the songs we were singing were printed out on an insert in the bulletin.  As we sang, I dropped my insert.  I bent down to pick it up, and caught the slightest movement.  My controlling teammate, who was next to me, had stepped on the insert.  She'd made it look like an accident.  She stood straight up, singing the worship songs reverently.  I tried to pull the insert out from under her foot, and it wouldn't budge!  I tried to work it out, and eventually just ripped it.  She knew what she was doing.  It's a small, unimportant thing.  Something to just let go of.  But it's also a symptom of something bigger.  A deeper problem.  This teammate continued doing manipulative things to me.  She destroyed my shoes (long story, but along the same lines as the bulletin insert thing), humiliated me, spread ugly rumors about me, and even destroyed other people's property and blamed it on me...not to mention criticized every tiny thing I did every moment we were around each other.  It was totally maddening.  Why would anyone do this?  The simple answers I got were things like...

     "Well, you need to take the plank out of your own eye."  

     

     "Don't you dare judge her!"

     "If you think she's sinning, it really means you're sinning and projecting your sin onto her."

     "You need to be more loving."

     "You need to be a better Christian."

     "You have a very small heart and need to grow."

     Not one person was willing to say that this teammate was wrong.  Everything was somehow my fault.  Why?  I never attacked her.  I never said an unkind word to her.  Even when I asked her to stop doing certain things, I did it kindly, and in private.  But somehow, I was the bad guy.  All of these answers assume that I was the one initiating all trouble, and that if I just changed in some way, everything would be perfect.  I never had that kind of power.  Also, these answers are very trite and simple, when in reality, a good answer for something like this would need to be in-depth, as this was a complex problem.  No one was willing (or able) to deal with this in the right way.  Perhaps they were scared or intimidated by my manipulative teammate, and just wished I were too, so that she could have free reign to control everything in peace, unopposed.  I got the feeling I was resented for not simply accepting her abuse quietly.  Everyone else did.  

     Several years later, I was teaching a junior high Bible study group in Yucaipa, CA.  

My junior high students, 2011

      I taught these seventh-and-eighth graders for a few years, and loved it.  I bonded with the students.  With God's help, I believe I was a good Bible teacher for these kids.  I made strong efforts not to show any favoritism.  I tried to tap into each student's potential, and tell them what I saw God doing in them.  I wanted to encourage them.  I used fun object lessons to teach truths.  I brought candy!  I took them on fun outings to get frozen yogurt.  I went to see them in their sports events or home-school-group theater productions.  I had an open door policy, allowing them to call or email me at any time, which they did.  I prayed with them when they'd share prayer requests.  Most of all, I pointed them to the Bible, and to God.  One girl in this class led a Buddhist neighbor to the Lord.  Others got involved in different ministries as they got older.    So much fruit came out of our group.  I knew God was using it.  But there was a problem.  More controlling people.  

     The woman who co-led the group with me was one of those controllers.  At the time, I was kind of new to the area, having just moved to that town (after having lost everything I held dear in Riverside in the Great Recession, but that's another story).  I was also single at the time.  This co-leader (who actually taught the elementary kids, but was with me for the beginning and end of the study time) had an aversion to me immediately.  When we met, I tried to introduce myself, and she physically turned her body away from me.  I tried to strike up conversation, and it was very clear she didn't want to talk to me.  As we began planning class, she opposed every idea I had.  When I would question ideas she had, she insisted it had to be the way she was saying.  She put on a show of being best friends with all the mothers of the kids we'd have, and that they all agreed with her and would never agree with me.  

      

     Once class started up, this co-leader tried everything in her power not to let me develop relationships with the other women.  If I tried to talk to them, she'd cut between us and invite them over to her house in front of me.  She would loudly tell me how sorry she was for me that I was single.  One woman overheard this and said, "Don't listen to her, Janelle.  God will bring the right man to you.  You're doing the right thing in waiting on Him."  My co-leader looked at her and asked, "When is your baby due?" When she wasn't pregnant!  How mean!  In spite of this, everyone there seemed to think she was this godly woman, and it made me wonder if I was seeing things incorrectly.  Who was I to disagree with popular opinion, right?  

     Her daughter happened to be in my group, and this girl was pretty manipulative herself.  If I didn't give her her own way, she would go cry to her mommy, who would bypass talking to me, and instead tattle on me to the higher ups in this ministry.  Her daughter was such a spoiled brat, and was the only dark spot in the junior high class.  This girl didn't want to be loved, accepted or even treated fairly by me.  She wanted control.  Because I didn't do that for her, I paid the price.  Like mother, like daughter.  This girl did little disruptive things during the study.  She would use fake shyness to get attention.  She got her weak-willed best friend to be mean to a more confident girl with her.  For the first time, I began to see my own childhood experiences through different eyes.  I saw myself in the confidant girl, and my past enemies (for lack of better word) in this girl and her weak buddy.  I had to try very hard to be objective at that point, but I believe I did that.  I tried to be fair and not let my personal feelings get in the way.  I did separate the controller from her follower with a new seating arrangement.  I had to keep the rest of the group safe from mean treatment.  I believe God gave me insight into it so that I could keep it safe for others.  I wish my past teachers had done that for me.  I tried to do activities that bonded everyone and made everyone feel loved, secure, and belonging.  But that wasn't what she wanted.  

     One time, this girl misrepresented something I had said.  Her mother confronted me in a humiliating and public way.  I was completely embarrassed, and went to the bathroom to cry.  This woman told me all the moms were mad at me.  I was terrified to face this angry mob of mommies.  But it turned out NONE of them were mad!  Most didn't even know about the thing I'd said that this woman didn't like, but those who did actually liked it.  In an email later that day, I confronted her for lying and saying that the other women were mad at me.  Her response was that Satan was using me to attack her.  She took no responsibility.  Everything was either Satan's fault, God's fault, or my fault, but never hers.  I never heard her ever take responsibility for anything in the three years we taught together.  She never listened to anything I had to say.  My weakness in this was that I tried for three years, when really, it was obvious from the start we weren't working well together.  But I had been beaten down so many times, told that it was my fault, that I needed to take the plank out of my eye, etc.  I thought that if I had a Christlike attitude, I could change this.  That's the message I'd been given all my life.  I just wasn't godly or Christlike enough.  If I were, I wouldn't be in these messes.  But I had been told wrongly.  All of it was wrong.  I have no control over anyone but myself, and even then, I can only control myself with the Holy Spirit's help.  

     This woman and her daughter lied about me again later on, and because they were patron saints of that Bible study (I'm being sarcastic!), they were believed and I was kicked out without even being allowed to set the record straight.  After that, some people I had counted as friends wouldn't speak to me.  I was the subject of gossip in the small, Bible-belt-of-California town.  

     Ironically, I was kicked out of that Bible study two years TO THE DATE before my wedding day!

December 19, a redeemed day!

          After being kicked out of that Bible study, I was hurt, but not utterly crushed.  I was strong in faith, and just trying to figure out what had gone wrong.  That was when a wonderful friend named Kim reached out to me.  Kim became an amazing mentor to me, and is still one of my dearest friends and accountability partners.  Kim had been in the Bible study.  Her kids had been in the junior high class I had taught.  Getting ahead of myself, her daughter would be a junior bridesmaid in my wedding.  But anyway, Kim invited me to attend Celebrate Recovery, an amazing, recovery-based Bible study.
     "This will be different from any other Bible study you ever went to," Kim promised when she invited me.  She was right.  

     I had been kicked out of something, so being invited to something seemed so redemptive.  I knew God was using her to get me into it.  

     At Celebrate Recovery, I made friends with real people who were honest about their struggles.  I wasn't a threat there, because no one was there to be manipulative.  We were there to get help and healing.  Nobody was there to impress anyone or show off.  We were allowed to openly share our triumphs and failures without commentary from anyone else.  I worked through the study, with Kim as my sponsor.  I was able to see how the incorrect answers I had been given in the past gave me a wrong view of myself, and of how God wanted me to handle situations.  I concluded that all these people in my past had been insecure and manipulative, and that I simply wouldn't be manipulated.  This was their sin, not mine.  I hadn't been wrong, they had.  No one wanted to deal with it.  Now, was I perfect?  No.  Not by a long shot.  In fact, even though I had not sinned in refusing to let them control me, I did sin in instances that went beyond that.  Sometimes, once a manipulation started, it became like a game to me.  It was a win/lose thing that I was determined to win.  I never wanted to be weak, or let anyone get the better of me.  That's definitely how it had been with the co-leader who lied about me and got me kicked out.  In other instances, I had responded in bitterness, or been contrary.  I repented of this, and with God's help, continue to grow.  

     In some cases, I owed certain people apologies, and I did that.  It's hard to apologize, because often, the other person owes me an apology too...but they probably won't give it.  I just had to humble myself and say I was sorry, asking for forgiveness for where I was wrong.  In some cases, the other person also asked for forgiveness, which led to reconciliation.  In other instances, the person would say, "Oh, I forgave you a long time ago.  Glad to see you finally realized the error of your ways," and it boiled my blood, because they were just as wrong as me, and yet they self-righteously accepted my apology without offering one of their own.  But that's their "side of the street".  God can deal with them.  That isn't my job.  I just need to make things right on my end.  It's hard, but worth it.  

     I still struggle with manipulative people.  I believe God has given me insight in this area.  I wish more people on the outside of things took me seriously, instead of seeing me as the bad guy for simply calling out something that's already there.  I am currently dealing with a manipulative student in my class at the Christian school.  The principal is kind and supportive, but doesn't really see the situation for what it is.  I feel like I'm fighting the same battle I've fought a million times.  But this time, I see it realistically.  I'm spending time with Jesus, praying for the right responses.

     Jesus dealt with manipulative people too.  The Pharisees hated Him, simply because they couldn't control him.  They successfully controlled everyone else.  Jesus was kind to them, but he didn't tolerate their manipulation.  They couldn't let this go.  They weren't satisfied until they killed Him.  But He won.  He rose again.  He will give me the victory I need as well.  I also see that, when it wasn't Jesus' time to die yet, He would often pull away from the Pharisees when they got to be too difficult.  He went by Himself, to regather Himself with the Father.  That's what I need to do.  I don't believe there's a one-size-fits-all response for dealing with manipulative people, but I know God will help me on a case-by-case basis.  This is my prayer.