Conflict Resolution 101

     Yesterday evening, one of my very dearest friends, Amy, called me.  We began with a fun chat about the latest episode of our mutual favorite television show (When Calls the Heart).  We moved on to books and authors we like reading (She mentioned Karen Kingsbury...whom I often read, but at the moment, I am reading a series by Lynn Austin).  Then, Amy got to the point of her call.  She is dealing with a situation at work, involving a very overpowering coworker and a weak boss.  From what I could gather, her boss is intimidated by this overpowering coworker, and is putting the blame on Amy.  It is easier to blame the cooperative employee who won't cause trouble than the one who might do who knows what.  Some of the things this boss told her brought me back to times in my life when I faced similar conflicts.  Amy and I talked about what we've learned in life from these things.  I'm calling it Conflict Resolution 101.  I'm going to give three myths weak authority figures say to dismiss conflicts, and then give the biblical response instead.

I am pictured here with my friend Amy (she is on the left, with the braid).

     Now, before I do this, I want to look at why these authority figures don't want to deal with the heart of conflict.  I would say the reasons are as varied as the people giving them.  I would venture to guess that very few people enjoy conflict.  It can be awkward and uncomfortable.  It can be as simple as that.  A very small percentage of the population are true problem solvers who actually thrive on conflicts, not because they are mean people, but because it is the process of solving a problem.  That isn't most of us, though.  Some people, like Amy's boss, are weak and afraid of stronger personalities.  They don't know what to do, so they shut down.  This may be due to a lack of confidence.  I would guess most of us, though, simply don't know what to say or do in a conflict.  I've had many authority figures, no doubt at a loss, simply give in to the wrongdoer and quote scriptures at the wronged party about forgiveness.  This is what I'm going to address.  You see, anyone can become a skilled conflict resolver!  Here's how.

Myth #1 It's in the past

     This was one of the things Amy's boss told her when she brought up something this overpowering coworker had done that had never been dealt with.  Several months ago, this coworker had gone through her personal property and thrown it in the trash, including some expensive and valuable items.  Amy didn't know about it until it was too late, the trash had been taken.  Amy had wanted this coworker to apologize, make restitution, or at least acknowledge that this had been wrong.  She wanted there to be a policy in place that would prevent this from happening again.  The boss, at the time, promised the three of them would have a meeting.  This never happened.  Months have gone by.  Another issue has come up.  In the confrontation, Amy reminded the boss that he had never followed through in having a meeting with the three of them in regards to the coworker throwing away her property.  The boss frowned at her and said, "It's in the past.  You need to work on your attitude!"  

     There are a lot of scriptural answers to this, which I will share.  At a moment's reaction, though, I think the first answer that immediately comes to mind is the scene from The Lion King, where Rafiki  hits Simba on the head, then insists, "It's in the past."  Simba, of course, responds, "But it still hurts!"  This was the point Rafiki was making, naturally.  Just because something is in the past doesn't mean it is resolved or over.  By that logic, no one should ever be arrested for crimes, because "they're in the past."  There is a difference between personal feelings and justice.  We do need to move on from things that have happened, regardless of if the other party has made it right.  That's the only way we can heal.  But that isn't the attitude authority figures should take when pursuing justice in a situation.  Wrongs must be righted.  

     A very good biblical example is Solomon, the wisest man who ever ruled.  His wisdom was God-given.  In First Kings 3, he was faced with a heated situation.  Two women were disputing which one was the mother of a baby (to read the back story, see First Kings 3:16-28).  Solomon didn't just send them away and say, "Your conflict is the past."  He didn't tell them to work on their attitudes.  This was a very real conflict that deserved a very real solution.  Solomon, with God's wisdom, tested the women to reveal the true mother (again, the story is in First Kings 3:16-18).  He got to the bottom of it.  So that's the first lesson here, ask for God's wisdom!  

     Other scriptural examples of dealing with conflicts that are "in the past" rather than dismissing them are numerous.  One is Ezra chapter 10.  Ezra was called by God to return to Jerusalem and rebuild the temple.  The Jewish people had been in Exile in Babylon (later the Medo-Persian empire).  They had mixed with the ungodly people during this time.  In Ezra 10, Ezra calls these Old Testament believers to separate from these relationships.  They were called to return to God and be holy, removing themselves from unholy Babylonians.  This is so contrary to what we often do today.  By these Israelites did it, in faith and repentance.  They removed themselves from "past" relationships that did not honor God.

     I think one of the best examples to refute the myth of "it's in the past" is the story of David and Bathsheba.  If you're unfamiliar with the story, it can be found in Second Samuel 11.  The gist of the story is, David lusted after another man's wife.  He had her husband killed in order to have her for himself.  He thought he had gotten away with it, but, First Samuel 11 closes with the words, "But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord."  God did not let David get away with it, even though it was "in the past." In the next chapter, God sends Nathan the prophet to confront David.  David, being a godly man who truly loved God, repented immediately.  He even wrote Psalm 51, about how he had sinned and felt terrible about it, and how God forgave him when he repented.  God did forgive David, but there were still dire consequences to his sin (Second Samuel 12:11-14).  

     Just because something is "in the past" doesn't mean it's over.  This is definitely not something a leader should say about a conflict.

Myth #2 "Look at your own life." 

     

     As Christians, we should be examining our own lives regularly.  We should be humble and open to correction from godly people who love us.  That's called accountability, and we all need it.  However, authority figures should never use our own sin (or supposed sin) as an excuse for not dealing with a problem.  When Amy's boss told her to work on her attitude, that was essentially what he was doing.  I once had an authority figure tell me I was too prideful when I presented her with a real issue that was going on, getting bigger, and not being resolved.  Really?  I'm too prideful?  Well, maybe I am, and maybe I'm not, but that has nothing to do with the situation.  That's a smokescreen to avoid dealing with the issue.  It's turning the attention in an entirely different direction by accusing the concerned party.

     I once had someone tell me, "If you think there's a problem, it means you're the one causing it.  Any time you accuse someone of something, it really means you did it."  That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.  By this logic, it means that if someone broke into my house and robbed me, and I called the police and had them arrested for it, it means I'm really the one who broke in and robbed.  That's craziness!  And it is used to turn the attention away from real wrongdoing.  I even knew a pastor (I didn't go to his church, I met him through a ministry) who said all confrontation is a sin.  We know this isn't true, because, once again, Nathan confronted David in Second Samuel 12.  In Matthew 18, Jesus gives the proper way to confront someone in sin.  First, you go to the person privately.  If they won't hear you, bring one or two others.  If they still won't listen, the issue has to be brought before the church.  How embarrassing!  But that's what Jesus said.  If the person still won't hear them, they need to be cast out until they repent.  This sounds harsh to most of us.  I have never seen this done.  I've seen churches and ministries kick people out prematurely for disagreeing with leadership, or even for hearsay.  I've also seen wrongdoing flourish unchecked in churches and ministries.  But I have never seen any group of believers carry this out the way Jesus commanded in Matthew 18.  It somehow offends our American sense of graciousness.  But it has to be done. 

     I believe many people misuse Matthew 7, about taking the plank out of your own eye before you take the speck out of your brother's eye.  Jesus did say those words, and He did mean them.  But he wasn't trying to say we can never mention the "speck" in someone else's eye (the plank and speck represent sins in our lives).  He was saying to first deal with your own issues, and when you have, then you are free to help another person with their's.  And there are times when we don't have a "plank".  Some people use this passage to say that any time you see something wrong in someone else, it means you have something bigger in your life, and that just isn't true.  Jesus was simply reminding us to make sure our lives are right before we try to help someone else.  A lot of people completely ignore the end of the passage, where the person with the "plank" actually does help the one with the "speck" after he has dealt with his "plank." 

     Since we won't be perfect until Heaven, there is always something in our lives we can be working on, but that can't stop us from pursuing righteousness. 

Myth # 3 Forgive and Forget

     This is a phrase that many people use.  It is entirely incorrect, though.  As I've said before, there is a difference between personal feelings and justice.  A leader should be pursuing justice, not giving personal, emotional advice.  For our own healing, we do need to choose forgiveness.  But forgiveness needs to be a voluntary choice of the will, when we are ready to do so.  It can't be manipulated or forced.  Forgiveness is something only God can help us do.  We can't muster it up in ourselves.  Time and again, I've seen God work in my own life and help me forgive, where it would have been impossible in my own strength.  The same is true for every believer.  It's something God does in us.  It is not something that another human being can make us do.  And, as I've mentioned, it isn't the leader's job to give advice about forgiveness.  It is the leader's job to do what is right and pursue justice.  That may be hard, but it's their job.  I'll come back to that in a moment.

     While we are called to forgive those who sin against us, we are never commanded to forget.  Forgiveness doesn't mean we forget.  It is true that we shouldn't dwell on it, but to forget it would be to forget the life lessons God taught you through the situation.  God never wants us to forget what He did in and through us.  He can use difficulties to make us wise, make us more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-30).  If we just forget them, they can't do the work they were meant to do in us.  If we forget things, we don't heal.  We are called to remember certain things. 

     God instituted the Passover in the book of Exodus.  This was the be a celebration the Jews were to participate in every year, to remind them of how God freed them from Egypt, and to point them to Jesus as the Messiah.  Jesus Himself celebrated the Passover.  Does this mean the Jews didn't forgive the Egyptians for enslaving them?  Not at all.  It means they remembered what God did for them. 

     Forgiveness doesn't mean we pretend the bad thing didn't happen.  It doesn't mean we have to trust or befriend the person who wronged us.  It simply means we release them off our hook and put them onto God's.  We give up the right for revenge.  When we make this simple choice, God begins to work in us, giving us love for our enemies, and the ability to pray for them and want God's best for them.  Nowhere in the Bible does God command us to "kiss and make up" or give an insincere apology the way parents and teachers often do.  Wanting justice doesn't mean we haven't forgiven.  In Revelation 6:9-11, we read about believers who were slain for their testimony of Jesus during the tribulation.  At the point we encounter them in scripture, they are in Heaven, and then beg God for justice for what happened to them.  Since they have died and are in Heaven with God, this means they are perfect and sinless. This would lead me to believe it is not a sin to want justice.  These saints are not pretending it didn't happen.  They are not smiling and saying, "It's in the past."  They are not saying, "Well, it was probably my fault.  I didn't take the plank out of my own eye."  They want real justice.  I believe the desire for things to be made right is a holy, godly desire.  It isn't a sin.  It is what God put into us. 

     How does this all tie together?  As leaders, we need to pray for God's wisdom, like Solomon did.  If we are afraid and intimidated, we need to ask God for His help, surrendering it to Him.  We need to pursue justice, not sweep things under the rug.  Maybe the people involved need to forgive, but that isn't your job.  Your job is to pursue justice.  This may mean confronting someone in the wrong.  Once you have done that, if they don't change, you need to confront them again, possibly remind them that you may need to ask them to leave if this continues.  Then stick to your guns.  There are so many weak leaders, afraid and nervous, unsure of what to do.  God has given His answers to you.  Plus, it's just common sense.  You know what to do.  Get out there and do it.