It’s
been a hard week. To explain why, I need
to back up…
Last
August, Walter and I moved from South Dakota to New Mexico. It was hard to uproot, but we had never really
felt as if the Midwest was permanent for us.
It didn’t quite feel like home (although we made many lifelong friends,
and greatly miss our church family, neighbors and coworkers there). We are both Southwesterners. Arriving in Albuquerque was like coming home
in a lot of ways.
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| Our engagement photo, 2015, in Yucca Valley, CA. We are true southwesterners and desert rats! |
Finding a church was hard. But we did. In fact, just today, we became members of Monterey Baptist Church. The process of visiting churches in this vast city was overwhelming to us. It took an emotional toll, while all the time, we missed our church in South Dakota. But God led us, and here we are.
The
reason we had moved out here was that Walter had gotten into the grad program
here. I got a
job at the University’s preschool. It
looked like a good situation. On top of
that, Walter got us an apartment in student family housing. We paid for the entire year there.
The university didn’t end up working out for us. In my
humble opinion, that place is insane.
Both Walter and I ran into the same madness. I know this sounds dramatic to say, but it’s
as if Satan himself runs that university. We ran into true wickedness. Both of us concluded this was not where we belonged. Walter is now enrolled in Liberty University
online.
The
hard part was that I have always received rave reviews at work, both in
California and South Dakota. I was constantly praised and promoted. However,
the university's preschool was on the verge of firing me when I resigned. No matter what I did, I was somehow violating
some crazy policy that no one had bothered to tell me. I told a group of students, “If you put your
shoes on, we’ll go outside.” I was told
that was “threatening” the children, because I said an “if/you”
statement. It was this kind of madness
that caused me to just need to leave. I have naturally low blood pressure, but it was actually high when I worked there! I
could go on and on about the craziness that reigns sovereign there, but I won’t. I want to forget it.
I was
reeling from the experience. My
confidence had been shaken after two and a half months working there. I didn’t know what I’d do next. Two days after I resigned, I received an
email from a Christian School at which I had applied
before coming out here. There was a sudden
opening. This was definitely a God
thing! I went in for an interview, and
was hired! I have been teaching the 5th
grade class since November.
Even
though we had paid for the entire year at the student family housing, they told
us in February that we had three weeks to move out, as Walter was no longer a
student (he hadn't been for a few months, but it took them that long to tell us this!). That was scary. We did find a place in time, and God really
had provided for the move. We are
happily settling into a new place in a better part of town. All connections with the university are completely dissolved. Thank you, Lord!
I have loved this job teaching at
the Christian school. I have learned so
much, and really felt I was doing a good job.
It built my confidence, and also gave me an opportunity to impact these
students. Two in particular are very special
to me. One of these two boys received
Christ in our class shortly after I arrived.
It has been a joy to see him grow.
The other one has a lot of emotional hurts in his life, and also
struggles in school, and I have really felt God wanted me to encourage him and
help him. I believe I have done that in
God’s strength. I think I’ve done a good
job for all the students in the class.
A few things have come up. I have a very manipulative student. This student twists things when she doesn’t
get her way. Her grandmother (the legal
guardian), is constantly confronting me for weird things that never
happened. Both the girl and her grandma blame
me for any grades she gets that are lower than an A. There is no responsibility taken. I’ve been kind, but firm. Anyway, this grandmother went and told the
principal some things about me. Some were
misrepresentations of things I said, others were out and out lies. The principal chose to believe her, even
though I shared what had actually happened.
I’m telling you, these manipulators will stop at nothing. It’s happened to me before.
Anyway, we had our performance
reviews, and this required me to meet with the principal and
vice-principal. The vice-principal had
only kind things to say about me and how I’m doing. The principal wasn’t so encouraging, having written all of the lies the manipulative girl and her grandma told about me on
the evaluation, even though I had shared the truth. The principal gave a few helpful suggestions, but most
of what was said shows that my teaching really hasn't been observed very much at all. I politely listened, a few times clarifying
the truth (which, of course, made no difference). Everywhere else I have worked, staff write
their own evaluations in addition to the boss', and the principal is required to keep our evaluations
with their evaluations of us in our file.
Not here. Anyway, this was where
the bombshell hit. They are not going to
renew my contract for next year. I still
have the job through the end of the school year (May), but that’s it. They claim that “the main reason” (meaning
there are other, smaller reasons) is because my college degree isn’t recognized
by their accreditation. Long story about
that. That in itself isn’t
offensive. That’s simply a fact. But the implication of this performance
review really hurts.
I felt numb after this. I feel very misunderstood. I feel that, once again, the manipulators
have won. I also feel like there’s some curse
on me in New Mexico with employment. I
know there isn’t. It just feels like
it. I’m really hurt to not be able to
continue this job that I have enjoyed so much.
It’s been hard to go back every day after that, pretending all is normal
when I want to cry. But I know God has
given me an open door for the next two months. Nothing can change the fact that God provided this job right when I needed it. I was encouraged today by Revelations 3:8, “I have set before you an
open door, that no one can shut. I know
you have little strength, but you have kept My word, and have not denied My
name.”
I feel
purposeless. I don’t know what to
do. To be honest, I am very, very
tired. I am more than tired, I’m
weary. I also have deeper longings.
All my life, the main thing I have wanted
was to be a mother and homemaker. God
has given me so much beyond. I’ve been a missionary in Africa and the United
States. I’ve mentored youth who’ve
gone into the ministry. I’ve led junior
high Bible studies. I’ve taught at AWANA
conferences. I’ve taken teens on mission
trips. I've taught Good News Clubs. I’ve seen God work in some
amazing ways. I don’t regret any of
it. But ultimately, what I wanted most
in all the world was to marry a wonderful Christian man, and to have kids. I’ve done the first one.
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| Child evangelism at the fair |
Another long story that I won’t go
into is that I faced some very hurtful rejections when I was in high school and
college. One was from a young man I
thought I’d marry. The pain from that
left me with a lot of fear. Not
bitterness or unforgiveness, but it colored the lens by which I saw
reality. I felt very insecure being
single, as if everyone could tell just by looking at me that I was single because I had been rejected. Well-meaning people sometimes made hurtful comments, such as, "When I was your age, I was already married with three kids!" Ouch. I didn’t marry Walter until I was thirty-three. God sovereignly saved us for each other and brought us together in His timing. I wouldn’t trade my life with him for anything.
We have been married four years now.
I don’t always like to share that particular detail with people, because I don’t want them
to look at me and know I married as old as I did. Somehow, the insecurities I felt when I was
single still linger, and I don’t want people to read those past rejections on
me. But that’s wrong. My story is God’s story. I know so many wonderful people who never
married at all! I've known others who married older than I did. Thirty-three isn't ancient anyway. I'm glad it was then and not sooner, because I truly believe in God's timing on this. Marriage shouldn’t be what
defines any of us. This goes to show how
strong the power of those rejections still are to me.
God had plans for me to do ministry in my 20’s. I needed to be single to be effective at those
particular things. Everyone has their own story. There is not "right" age to marry. I wish the body of Christ were better at supporting each other in both singleness and marriage, whichever place God has a person. No one really helped me see that I should treasure those single years. Everyone instead told me they were a curse or disease that needed to be cured. Sadly, I believed them, feeling that way myself. I'm delighted to be married to the man God had for me all along. I wish I had cherished those single years more, though, because they were truly remarkable.
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| My ministry prayer card from my single years of US mission work |
Walter and I enjoy marriage greatly, but so far have not been blessed with children. It’s harder when I see people posting
pictures of sonograms on Facebook (which, no offence, I think is a bit
tacky. No one can read it. I thought of posting my gallbladder X-ray and
seeing what people said!). But the truth is, my opinion about sonograms being tacky is probably motivated by jealousy. I also get
pressure from people. “When are you
going to have kids?” I even had someone
over Christmas tell me my life was empty and meaningless without kids. I know that’s not true, but it hurts. A lot. The answer I give is, "I don't know when we'll have kids, but we sure enjoy trying!" I figure if they ask a vulgar question, they can expect a vulgar answer.
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| gallbladder x-ray |
Now that I’ve lost my dream job for next year, I’m really struggling with all of this. Walter and I have some plans for the future that leave me encouraged. Please pray for us as we work out these plans that we believe God gave us. Mainly, though, we need God to work. Right now, the biggest thing I need is emotional and spiritual rest. I need to find my purpose and fulfillment in Christ. It’s easier to say it than do it.
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