Carnal?

     This week in Sunday school, we talked about three types of people.  I took a picture of the white board, and tried to clarify the details with editing.  

     In case you can't see well, there are three circles.  Inside each is a crudely-drawn chair (meant to be a throne).  In the top circle, we see a letter S on the throne (standing for the word Self), with a cross (which stands for Christ) outside the circle.  This represents a "natural" or unsaved person.  The bottom left picture is a spiritual person, with the cross not only inside the circle, but on throne.  In other words, Christ is the boss of this person's life.  The third circle, the bottom right, is a circle with self back on throne, but the cross inside, next to the throne.  This is said to represent a carnal person, or a Christian who is not yielding to Christ.  

     This was not the first time in my life I have been introduced to this idea.  My parents taught us about it when I was a child.  When I was in junior high, our youth pastor did a talk with us about it.  It is a relatively common illustration.

     I have recently heard people claim that this is an inaccurate teaching.  In their belief, there is no such thing as a carnal Christian.  Either you are fully yielded to Christ (with Him on the throne) or you are not even a Christian at all, which would put you in the natural category.  The complaint I have heard is that, if we accept the possibility of carnal Christians, we are excusing sin, giving people the option of not being Christlike.  What is the truth in this?  

     First of all, I will say that sin is never "okay" or excused.  Our sin had to be dealt with.  The only reason we receive grace and forgiveness is because Jesus perfectly lived out God's righteous law.  In His righteousness, He took on our sin when He died on the cross, and all of God's wrath at us was placed on the cross of Christ.  When we receive Him, His righteous life is transferred to us.  Therefore, when God looks at believers (regardless of how they are acting at the moment), He sees the righteousness of His Son, and He receives us in Christ.  We are in Christ's righteousness the moment we are saved.  

     After salvation, since we are in Christ's righteousness, does this mean it doesn't matter what we do or how we live?  The Apostle Paul posed this question in Romans 6:1, What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound?  Throughout the earlier chapters of Romans, he had been building a case for our sin and the salvation Christ offers.  Now, he is asking the question that might be in a person's mind after reading all of this:  Do we now have a free pass to sin without consequences?  Paul then answers this question in verse two: By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?  We have a new nature now, and new desires for the things of God.  We are dead to sin, and alive to righteousness.  This passage certainly doesn't sound like we have a free pass to sin, or that God condones sin in the believer's life.  

     Galatians 2:20 tells us I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  The life of Christ has been given to us, and we now live by faith, letting Him lead us.  

     Romans 8:29 tells us that we are not only called to salvation, but to become like Jesus.  Verse 30 goes on to say, And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.  We aren't just called to get saved and live however we want the rest of our earthly lives.  We are called to salvation first, then toward glory.  

     In spite of this, though, the Bible is clear that Christians still sin.  Romans 7:18 says, For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  We are saved, but we still have the flesh, or our old, sinful nature.  There are times when we (metaphorically speaking) push Christ off the throne and do things our own way.  This can be some obvious sin, or it can be subtle, like trying to live out the Christian life in the flesh, in our own strength, instead of relying on the Holy Spirit.  

     Continuing along this line, Paul addresses the believers at Corinth as carnal: And I, brethren, could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal, even as unto babes in Christ.  (First Corinthians 3:1, KJV).  Right here, we are shown that Christians (whom Paul calls "brethren" meaning they are saved) can be carnal.  This was not something Paul just accepted about them.  He challenged them to do better.  

     It is even clear that there are some who are saved, but, due to the way they lived their lives, will have no rewards in Heaven (First Corinthians 3:15).  This should reveal that it is possible to be a Christian and yet live in an ungodly way.  

     This tension between Carnal and Spiritual living is illustrated in Galatians 5:17: For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.  As Christians, we have Christ's righteousness.  We have the power to say "no" to sin and "yes" to holiness.  And yet, we also still have the flesh.  These two sides of us are in constant war.  There is a tension that Christians will have until the day they leave earth and enter the Presence of God.  When we sin, we are pleasing that flesh side of us, but we are grieving the Spirit, and when we please the Lord, we have that satisfaction and joy, but the flesh still wages that war against it.  

     In Amy Grant's classic song Old Man's Rubble, this reality is well explained:  Deep within you there's a spiritual battle.  There's a voice of the darkness and a voice of the light.  Just but listening you've made a decision, 'cause the voice you hear is gonna win the fight.                                        

     The pastor I sat under as a high schooler and college student used to tell this illustration a lot in trying to explain the battle between the flesh and the spirit in the life of a believer:

     The most wicked man in a small town came to a revival, and he became a Christian (much to the shock of the preacher and baffled onlookers!).  From then on, there was a complete change in him.  One day, one of the townsfolk asked him about it, and he said it this way:

"There are two dogs inside of me.  One dog hates God, hates people, loves to make trouble.  The other dog loves God, loves people, and wants to do right.  These two dogs inside me are fighting each other."  The person he was talking to asked, "Which one wins?"  His reply was, "The dog I feed the most wins."  This, of course, was meant to share that we need to be cultivating the Spirit by reading the Word, being around people who remind us of the truth, reading, watching and listening to godly things that would impact us that way.  

     To say that there are carnal Christians is not to excuse carnal behavior.  Nowhere in the epistles does Paul excuse it.  He rebukes and urges the Christians in question to grow beyond that.  I think that to make the claim that there is no such thing as a carnal Christian is to deny the teaching of the Bible, and to put a legalistic burden on believers to be perfect all the time, which, in turn, puts us into trying in our own strength to do right.  Think of this: soap commercials acknowledge people get dirty, and then show their solution to the problem.  They don't say that we should just accept being dirty.  They have to acknowledge the fact in order to provide the answer.  The same is true here.  The Bible acknowledges carnality in order to make Christians aware of the problem, and help us to move beyond it.  Carnality is not "okay" but it is a reality sometimes.  If we don't acknowledge that reality, we are unable to deal with it and move beyond it.  Let's let Jesus back on the throne!  

United We Fall

     "...I didn't accept the job because I believe God is calling me into the ministry."  These words forever altered the course of my life.  As I heard them, they awakened the inkling of that calling in my own heart.  Receiving a calling from the Lord can be dramatic and exciting, but that isn't all it is.  

    Over the years, I have been blessed to be part of several different ministries.  I have majorly worked for one (in a few different states), but I have volunteered for several others.  Serving the Lord can be exciting and wonderful.  In my experiences, I have gained camaraderie with fellow servants of the Lord, fruit for the kingdom, and deep satisfaction and joy.  On the other hand, I have also experienced conflicts, spiritual warfare, and persecution.  None of that should be a surprise.  The Bible tells us to expect these things in our service to God--both the good and the bad.  I am sure you have experienced these things as well.  And yet some of the difficulties still strike me as so very wrong, and preventable.  How can we, as Christian workers, make our ministries places of excellence?  How can we work to ensure that the difficulties that come are truly from the outside, and not caused by our lack of proper planning and awareness?  Can we make our ministries safe places for others?  

     First Peter 1:13 says, So prepare your minds for action and exercise self-control. Put all your hope in the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world.  We need to prepare for battle!  

     In thinking through the beautiful and difficult times in ministry over the years, I have felt God impressing on my heart to write a new book on the subject, entitled United We Fall.  This short, quick-reading account examines several wonderful and difficult experiences in ministry--my own and those of others who have shared with me.  The purpose is two-fold.  First, the goal is to bring healing, validation and encouragement to those who have had similar experiences.  Secondly, biblical responses are given to these true stories, and game plans are laid in order to improve ministries and prevent future repeats of some of these difficult experiences.  A biblical view is given, and the tone is one of encouragement for moving forward in the race marked out for you.  Available from Amazon, the paperback can be purchased for $3.99.  You can go look at it on Amazon by clicking here.  Or, for a limited time, you can reach out to me for a free copy mailed straight from me to you!  My only request is that, after reading, you write an honest review on Amazon (if you don't, no consequence will befall, I would just really appreciate it).  

To take advantage of this deal, go to my author page on Facebook (Janelle Stoermer, Author) and send me a private message with your name and postal address.  I look forward to seeing how God continues to bless all of our ministries in the future!  

Get Real

     Do you ever struggle with hard emotions?  Bad feelings?  Insecurity?  Resentment?  Well, I hops so!  I don't want to think I'm the only one!  As Christians, how are we supposed to handle those feelings?  I think, far too often, we try to squelch them, ignore them, or put them down.  In some cases, we are even encouraged to do this.   We try to have our emotions match our theology, and they won't cooperate.  The thing is, what does proper Christian theology really say about emotions?  I believe that not enough has been said, and I am going to be addressing what the Bible actually says about emotions, and to give some ideas about how to handle them.  

     It is true that Jeremiah 17:9 says, The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked, who can know it?  This being the case, phrases like "follow your heart" are not good advice.  Our emotions can have us thoroughly confused.  It is not good to make decisions from a place of emotion.  God's word, not our feelings, should be our foundation.  However, having said that, this verse is talking about the unregenerate heart, not the heart of a born again Christian who is being sanctified.  In saying that, am I suggesting that Christians should "follow their heart" instead of the Bible?  No!  The Bible, with the inner guidance of the Holy Spirit, is to guide us.  While emotions (especially heat of the moment emotions) are not a good indicator of what we should do, they are still part of how we experience reality.  If you truly feel something inside, examine that.  Ask God to show you why you feel this way.  This is especially true if it isn't just a heat of the moment emotion.  For example, if you feel uncomfortable around certain people or situations, examine that.  Don't just squelch it.  

     David gave a good example of this in the Psalms.  His writings express things he was feeling--things many Christians would be ashamed to actually acknowledge feeling.  Psalm 42 seems to indicate that David struggled with depression and other deep emotions.  My tears have been my meat day and night... (verse 3). When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me... (verse 4) Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me?  (verse 5).  Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.  (verse 7).  In fact, if you read this whole psalm, you can see the back-and-forth emotions David is battling between despair and trusting in the Lord.  In the end, he comes to the right place: hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.  (verse 11).  David shows here (and in other Psalms) that he knows how to unpack his feelings and deal with them.  

     We are told to love God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  (Mark 12:30).  This leads me to believe we are to love God with all that is in us, including our emotions.  Our relationship with God is not mechanical.  It is a living, real relationship, where we speak to God and He speaks to us.  He wants to hear from you, from the depth of what you are feeling.  Faking your emotions is not a good way to love Him with all your heart, soul, mind or strength.  

     Yet, while we are being real with what we feel, we should also look at what we are to do with those emotions.  Feeling something isn't sinful, but indulging feelings can be, if they lead us into sin.  We are told in Proverbs 4:23,  Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.  What we allow in our hearts will take up residence there, impact what we do.  What should we do when we feel something that is contrary to what God has said in His word?  Jesus answered that in Luke 9:23, And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.  All of us are called to do this.  We need to deny ourselves all things that are against God's will.  For example, I have struggled at times with a silent harboring of resentment, and passive-aggressive revenge.  But this isn't God will for me.  I need to deny those feelings, taken up my cross (all that goes with that) and follow Jesus and His will for me.  No one gets a free pass on this.  We all must deny ourselves, take up our crosses daily, and follow Jesus.  It isn't easy for anyone, but it can be done, with His help.  Matthew 11:28-30 beckons us: Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  This promise tells us that whatever emotions we are battling, He is with us, empowering us to do right, and ministering to us.

     We know He cares about what we are feeling.  The very shortest verse in the Bible (the shortest verse in English, anyway) is John 11:35, which simply says, Jesus wept.  This verse appears in the middle of the story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus.  Jesus was deeply close with them.  When Lazarus died, Jesus wept with Mary and Martha, even though He knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead and give his sisters so much joy.  He was able to be with them in their pain of the moment, and feel with them.  He does the same for us.  Psalm 56:8 says that He keeps all our tears in a bottle, and has every one of them in his book.  He keeps track of everything that happens to you, and how it makes you feel.  In light of all of this, let's examine how not to handle difficult emotions.  

     In my high school and college years, I did several domestic and international mission trips.  Doing ministry is a wonderful place to meet like-minded, godly friends.  It is also a place to become very frustrated at times.  The enemy often pits us against each other.  This isn't new.  We read about conflicts in the New Testament, and the Apostle Paul even had to remind the believers at Ephesus, Our struggle is not against flesh and blood...  (Ephesians 6:12).  There are a lot of complicated in's and out's about human interaction and relationships.  There are also multiple motives behind a person's desire to go on a mission trip, and that can feed into the way he or she relates to others on the trip.  On a basic level, think of this: two (or more) people who didn't know the other existed are meeting up at a training, having a short time to get used to each other, and then having to live in close proximity on a mission field, in the midst of intense spiritual battle.  Even under the best of circumstances, with wonderful people, this can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings.  They haven't had a lifetime to get used to each other's idiosyncrasies, and things often seem magnified in the midst of spiritual warfare.  

I am pictured as a college student (second from right) with a mission group I was part of.

     Many of those who trained us for these mission trips would constantly tell us, "The number one reason missionaries leave the field earlier than planned is because of other missionaries."  This was said to give us the sobering reality that conflicts can ruin ministry.  We see that in the Bible.  Paul and Barnabas served together in Acts 13-14, but conflicted sharply in Acts 15, and went their separate ways.  God used this for His glory, doubling the ministry efforts.  Notice, there is nothing recorded of Paul and Barnabas bad-mouthing each other.  They were real about their differences.  They didn't try to force themselves to work together with plastic smiles.  They parted company, and yet did not wish ill on each other. Sometimes, conflicts and partings happen, and I feel that modern Christians are quick to see that as a sign of failure.  It certainly wasn't a failure in the case of Paul and Barnabas.  Another thing I was told in my missionary training days was, "If you think there's a problem, look in the mirror, because it's really you.  If you're doing what you're supposed to do, so will everyone else.  Problems come when you're busy looking at others instead of yourself."  While I agree this can be part of a problem, it isn't all of it, nor does it even play a part in every problem.  In my experience, this teaching brought a lot of false guilt into my heart, and gave others a green light to overstep bounds unchecked (because if someone corrected them, they could come back with, "Look at your own sin, not mine!").  Other times, Christian leadership in my life minimized the issues.  Sometimes it was actually good advice in itself, and would have worked if we were dealing with people who actually wanted to get along (and many times I was).  Sadly, that isn't always the case.  We can't assume everyone is reasonable.  We can't assume everyone wants peace.  I was told things such as, "You need to be more loving."  or "You need to be a better Christian," or the ever-famous line, "Get into the Word more."  These are all biblical ideas, but they are not going to automatically dissolve a difficult situation or difficult emotions.  Sometimes, things need to be unpacked and dealt with.  There is a battle going on, and this kind of trite, over-spiritualized advice minimizes it, often allowing wrong things to continue.  We need to be real about how we handle things we are experiencing.  

     Years ago, I was offered a ministry opportunity I just wasn't very jazzed about.  I was already doing something in that chapter of my life that God had clearly led me to, and I just had no sense of desire to leave it.  I had no peace in considering this opportunity that was presented.  When I told the person, "I don't feel led to take you up on that," the person said, "You shouldn't go by your feelings."  Well, I didn't necessarily mean my emotions didn't want this.  I just didn't have a peace, desire, or inclination toward it.  I was a Christian who was hiding God's word in my heart and trying to hear His voice.  When this opportunity came along, I just didn't sense God leading me to it.  People who tell you to disregard what you're experiencing internally might be trying to manipulate you, or they might genuinely not have a healthy sense of how we are created as thinking and feeling beings.    

     I remember several years ago, I was involved in leading a youth Bible study with another woman.  It was a bad relationship from the get-go.  This woman was very rude, in a sickeningly sweet voice.  She had an inferiority complex she tried to overcome with a false superiority complex.  She said cutting things to me (when she would talk to me at all), and she would barely look at me or acknowledge me.  In my kind but naive heart, I thought, "I'm going to only think godly thoughts about her.  I won't even acknowledge her bad points.  I'll just do the ministry and not focus on her."  My intention was right, but I was incorrect.  

     God didn't create me (or anyone else) to just not feel the sting of pain when someone hurts us, and this woman inflicted hurt on me.  I just kept a plastic smile on my face for weeks.  Finally one day, a few months into our working relationship, she was being particularly difficult, and I blurted out, "You are such a snob!"  What's worse, we were with a few other people when I said it.  She looked totally shocked, and, I am ashamed to admit, I felt a sense of satisfaction in this.  We were able to superficially smooth it over, but our relationship didn't improve.  We had moments where it looked like things were better, but that ultimately didn't happen.  In my desire not to be resentful, I stuffed all the frustration inside of me, where it continued to fester.  

     I never complained about her to anyone, so, aside from my initial slip of calling her a snob in front of a few people, no one had any idea how much of a difficult relationship we had.  What I didn't know was, she was slandering me to others, including the leadership of this Bible study.  Since I was not complaining about her, they assumed that I was the problem, and took her complaints seriously.  I was eventually kicked out of this Bible study, without even being given the benefit of consideration or able to share my side of it.  I learned from that experience.   If nothing else, I learned to document everything, and cover my bases by mentioning all issues to those over me, just so they will be aware of them, should they ever come up.  I actually learned much more than that.  In fact, I gained so much more than I lost from that whole time in my life, and I have no regrets in this experience.  Did I make mistakes?  Yes.  Was I wrong?  In some cases, yes.  But that's how we learn, and I am so thankful for all I gleaned.  

    Dr. Allison Cook, a Christian psychologist I follow, gives this advice for dealing with difficult emotions.  

1. Notice what you're feeling today.

2. Get curious about it.  "I wonder why I'm feeling that way." (no judgment)

3. Name it.

4.  Invite God into what you are experiencing (versus praying it away)

5.  Consider speaking on behalf of it with someone you trust in order to unpack it.

     I wish I had known this earlier in my life.  I wish I had known that it was okay to feel these negative things.  I wish I had known it was okay to acknowledge it, name it, and invite God into it.  I wish I had known it was okay to share with someone I trust.  I always thought that was gossip.  It can be gossip, which is why we need to be careful.  Find someone you can trust.  I do find it interesting that in our world today, Christians seem a lot more phobic of being accused of gossip than first-century believers were.  Jesus very openly warned His disciples about the Pharisees' hypocrisy (Matthew 16:6), and didn't preface it with any sort of caveat about trying not to slander or gossip.  The Apostle Paul constantly mentions people by names in his epistles.  This makes me wonder if, today, we call things gossip when they really aren't.  That's a subject for another time (you can go back and read my post from February 18, 2020 entitled Gossip).  In any event, we don't want trouble, so be careful in whom you confide.  Ask God to direct you to someone.  At this point in my life, I am blessed with two mentors, who give me biblical counsel, let me share with them, and hold me accountable.  I am also able to bounce things like this off my husband.  Find someone you can trust, who really hears you out.  What I have since learned in my life is that, when I follow these steps, the burden largely disappears.  I'm no longer trying to deny real feelings inside.  I am handling them biblically, without expecting anything in return.  This truth has been a lifesaver to me, and I hope it is for you as well!  

Toxic?

      We hear a lot about certain people labeled as Toxic these days.  Is it just a trend, or is there truth to it?  Is there an actual meaning to calling someone toxic, or is it just another mean word to insult someone you don't like?  What does the Bible say about it?  

     It is true that using the word toxic to describe someone is a relatively new phenomena.  When I was growing up, I first became familiar with "toxic" from reading that certain school supplies (such as paint and glue) and cleaning products were "non-toxic" on their label.  It is also true that calling people toxic has become a bit overused, and sort of lost its meaning with people just throwing it around.  Kind of like narcissistic, codependent, abusive, etc.  However, just because something is overused doesn't necessarily mean that it doesn't have a real purpose and meaning. 

     The Bible doesn't call people toxic, but it does use other, equally uncomplimentary words.  Scripture refers to bad people in terms such as evil, wicked, fool, blind, and other things, depending on the circumstance.  In a sense, since we are all sinners, we could all be called these things in a way, but as we grow in Christ, we are being sanctified every day, to become more like Jesus.  Sadly, there are people, Christians and non-Christians alike, who seem bent on destroying others.  These are the people I wish to talk about.  I will establish what a toxic person is, what you should do in response to them, and how to move forward after a toxic encounter.  

     In his book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, Christian author Gary Thomas says that toxicity takes on three different aspects.  A toxic person may exhibit traits from all three of these, or only one or two.  These three forms of toxicity (which I will go into more detail on in the next paragraph) are very similar to what Jesus warned us about in John 10:10, The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy...  This is what the devil will do, and this is what toxic people will do.  (Note: I will put a link at the end of this post that will take you to Gary Thomas' book.  I highly recommend it!).

A Murderous Spirit

     The first face of a toxic person is a murderous spirit.  This doesn't usually mean someone who is a literal murderer.  It is someone who kills your spirit, your joy, your mission, your ministry.  This person, in essence, ruins your effectiveness.  You don't need this in your life.  No one does!  An example of a toxic person in the book of Acts was the demon-possessed fortune teller, who was shouting after Paul and Silas, These men are bond-servants of the Most High God, who are proclaiming to you a way of salvation. (Acts 16:17).  Notice that what she was saying was the truth, but it was being said in a loud, obnoxious way, and was hindering their ministry.  Sometimes, toxic people will misuse truth.  

     I will give you a personal example of this.  I monitor a prayer line for one hour a week.  People from all over the world call in and pray for their ministries.  It has been a true blessing.  However, when I was doing my shift monitoring it last night, I had a woman who stayed on the line through my entire hour-long shift.  In fact, she was on before I came to take over from the previous monitor.  She claimed she loves to stay on for several hours and listen to people's requests so she can know how to pray (I had never run into her on the line before).  Listening to people's requests so she can pray sounds all well and good.  However, she talked a lot more than she listened.  She had the need to talk and pray the entire time.  She didn't let me or anyone else get much of a word in, and I had to be very firm in order to let anything progress as it was supposed to.  She had to comment and lecture everyone after their prayers.  She shared all sorts of information she viewed as very important, but was actually lecturing everyone, and even putting others down.  Some of what she said was nonsense, though a lot technically was biblical.  However, just like Paul and Silas' fortune-telling antagonist in Acts 16, it totally killed the joy and peace on the line, and killed the effectiveness during that hour.  It totally killed my energy and spiritual fervor.  I had to let my superiors in this ministry know about it.  

     A murderous spirit can look different ways, but what all forms of this kind of toxicity has in common is that it wants to kill what you are doing in some way.  

A Need for Control

     The second face of toxic people is a need to control.  Does the person simply have to control everything?  Often this goes hand-in-hand with a murderous spirit, but not always.  Have you ever felt manipulated by someone?  A biblical example of someone being controlling was the false prophet Shemaiah in the book of Jeremiah.  He claimed to speak for God, and told the Israelites that their captivity in Babylon would end in two years.  Jeremiah spoke the truth, that they should dwell in Babylon, and build lives for themselves there, because the captivity would, in fact, be 70 years.  Shemaiah was trying to have the people believe his lie was God's truth.   Satan himself desires to control others. In Isaiah 14:14, he said he would ascend to God's place of authority.  That was what led to his fall, and he has been trying to control people and ruin God's plans ever since.  When a person is being controlling, they are being more like Satan than like God.   History is full of people trying to control others.  Today, that can look like someone claiming to speak for God in order to get someone to follow what they say.  It can be a person manipulating circumstances around others.  It can be someone seeing others as an extension of themselves and being threatened when these other people act and think independently of them.  

     Years ago, I did some ministry with a woman who had started her own organization.  She had contacted me and wanted my ministry to partner with her for an evangelistic event.  That was fine.  I believed in what she stood for, and I did it.  She had me help her several times over the course of a few years.  I always felt she was very controlling, so I didn't get very personally involved with her, but I still did these events with her.  Anyway, she eventually gave a donation to my ministry, and she didn't think I was quick enough to write her a thank you note.  Anyway, even though I had been very grateful to this woman, the fact that she didn't get an immediate note from one particular donation was cause for her to call me on the phone and lecture me and put me down, and tell me I wasn't godly.  She was very condescending, and told me, "I see you as my little sister, and I need to just teach you right from wrong."  I was very insulted, and I told her that I was sorry I hadn't acknowledged her gift, and that I was indeed grateful, but that I felt maybe it was time for me not to do ministry with her anymore.  Well, she couldn't let me be the one to walk away, so she sent me this scathing letter about how she never wanted to see or hear from me again, and how God had told her a secret about me.  Notice God only told her a secret about me when I didn't allow her to manipulate me or put me down.  She had to be in control of that relationship, instead of having a respectful, equal relationship between the two of us.  This type of person steals your right to be an independent person.  They are toxic.

A Love of Hatred

     The final face of toxicity is hate.  The need to destroy.  These people love to hate things.  They are the people who are known for what they hate, rather than what they love.  As Christians, we should be known for loving God, the Bible, the Truth, and people.  Yes, we should hate what God hates.  But we should be known for our love for God and each other (John 13:34-35).  King Saul was known for his hatred of David (First Samuel 18-31).  He was a very toxic person, since his hatred eventually led him to attempted murder, witchcraft, and suicide.  He spent all his time hunting David down, instead of ruling his country.  Some people are perpetually angry.  They are always looking for that next cause to make them mad and hateful.  They have to get that last word in.  They get pleasure out of tearing people down.  

     Year ago, I knew a pastor's wife who was toxic in this way.  She tore down every ministry her husband got involved in.  She constantly and happily sowed discord.  In that way, she probably fit all three of the faces of toxicity, but in particular, she fit this face of hatred.  When Christian singer Sandi Patty had a moral failure in the early 90's, this woman was so excited and happy that a virtuous Christian woman had failed.  How did Sandi Patty's problem benefit her?  It didn't!  It grieved many. Sandi Patty has since repented, and is again serving the Lord through music.  If she, herself, could be grieved and remorseful for her own sins, how could this pastor's wife rejoice in it?  First Corinthians 13:6 says, Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.   People who are happy to see others fail rejoice in evil, and that is toxic.  Wishing ill will on someone is toxic.  

     Maybe as you have read these three different types of toxicity, you have thought of other toxic people in the Bible, history, or your own life.  Maybe, though, you have felt a little bit guilty, and wondered if you are toxic, because maybe you have had instances of demonstrating these different categories of toxicity.  Rest assured, this isn't necessarily the case at all.  A toxic person demonstrates these traits as part of their regular modus operandi.  Very rarely will they feel guilt, or worry about whether they might be toxic, so your very worry probably means you aren't.  Toxic people are much more likely to be angry, reading about it, and wondering if someone would dare accuse them of being toxic. Furthermore, when it comes to the different types of toxic behavior, they are energized by stealing, killing and destroying other people's lives.  I once became somewhat controlling in a friendship several years ago.  I didn't do it because I had a compulsive need to manipulate this person.  Some aspects in this friendship changed, and I felt threatened by that, and became controlling.  This friend eventually called me on my controlling behavior, and she was absolutely right.  It was kind of a relief to be called out, because I had gotten no pleasure out of acting that way.  It drained rather than energized me.  We can all fall into these things at times, and it's a chance to grow in the Lord beyond that.  If it is something that grieves you, rather than energizing you, you are not toxic.  

     There are some confusing messages out there about how to handle people who are toxic.  When I was a kid, it seemed like every TV show had an episode about the school bully, and how all the other kids killed the bully with kindness, and it turned them around, and made them into a super nice person.  .  

     As a ten-year-old, I decided to take this message to heart.  There was a very mean little girl in our neighborhood.  She regularly stole from other kids, and said mean things to everyone.  She really hurt a lot of people's feelings.  I got all the kids in the neighborhood together, and we wrote her these really kind notes, and left them on her doorstep, with a bouquet of flowers we had picked from my yard.  It was very sweet...but she didn't care.  She didn't become our friend.  Our gesture didn't make a dent in her meanness.  I think a lot of those TV episodes, while well-intentioned, taught children to become masochists, and also gave a false view of why we should be kind to people.  If the objective is just to change them, we're not really loving them.  I will return to this.

     If someone truly is toxic, remove yourself if you can.  Don't keep trying to invest in that relationship.  We must shatter the illusion that we can change them, or be that missing ingredient in their lives.  Even Jesus walked away from people, and let others walk away from Him.  Mostly, we see Jesus investing in those who wanted Him in their lives.  At the same time, He often invested in people who initially seemed to reject Him.  He reached the heart of the demoniac, turning him into a servant of God (Matthew 8:28-34).  Simon Peter initially told Jesus to get away from him (Luke 5:8), but Jesus saw past that fear to Peter's heart, and made him a disciple, and the very first evangelist at Pentecost (Acts 2).  Jesus was able to determine who had a searching heart and who did not.  That can be tough to do, but God will help us be discerning.  Food for thought: Jesus loved and forgave those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34), and yet after His resurrection, He didn't go back and try to befriend them.  He invested His time with His followers--those who loved and believed in Him, and who would be part of the early church.  Don't let these toxic people harm your God-given mission.  Love and forgive them, but move on from them.  Focus your efforts on those God has called you to.  

     Sometimes, we are called to deal with difficult people for a season, and when that is the case, you must love them from a place of strength, rather than being weak and letting them hurt you.  Jesus said in John 15:13, Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends.  Notice He didn't say it is loving to let someone beat you within an inch of your life.  He said to lay down your life, which means it is voluntary.  You can't have a victim mentality and truly love others.  

     A movie that really impacted my youth made this same point.  This was The Buttercream Gang, put out by Feature Films for Families (I will give a link at the end to view the entire move in YouTube, as well as a wholesome and hilarious commentary video good-naturedly making fun of it!).  I was a young adolescent when this movie came out in 1992, and it is still a favorite of mine.  Some people have parodied it on YouTube, due to it's wholesomeness and low-budget, but it really is an enjoyable story, and very nostalgic from the times.  While this movie technically isn't Christian per se, it is conservative and Judeo-Christian.  In this movie, a young teenage boy named Scott really struggles when one of his best friends, Pete, loses his way, and becomes what we would now call a toxic person.  Pete engages in crime, and becomes destructive toward Scott and the community at large.  Scott keeps trying to help Pete, and trying to convince Pete to change.  Pete only gets worse.  After it escalates, and Pete physically harms Scott, Scott's father tells him, "The people who have the greatest impact for good on others are those who love someone without having that person love them back."  He goes on to tell Scott something that the TV episodes about befriending the bully failed to say.  He says, "If you're only loving Pete so he'll change you're loving him for the wrong reason."  He tells Scott to overlook what Pete does and instead think about who he is, and to treat him with unconditional love from a place of strength.  This is a powerful message, and the story very realistically shows Pete still getting worse and more destructive as Scott and others show him unconditional love.  Pete doesn't change immediately, but others do.  Scott does.  He is no longer angry and struggling.  He is choosing love, not expecting anything from Pete.  His own emotional energy is no longer being drained.  The story ends with Pete, after he hits rock bottom, reconciling with them, and even having a good impact on others.  I share this because it illustrates a very fine line between letting someone continue abusing you ("killing the bully with kindness" until they change) and writing people off forever.  You can continue loving people.  As Scott's dad tells him, who they are and what they do are two different things.  They are a person God loves.  Maybe the toxic person has been a friend to you in the past.  They have good qualities.  Treat them as who they are.  Love them without expecting anything in return, whether they ever change or not...but do it from a place of strength, not being a doormat for them to continually abuse.  It is okay to stand up for yourself.  It is okay to distance yourself.  But love them from a place of strength.  I feel that was the message of this movie.  

A still from The Buttercream Gang, Scott talking to his father.

     But isn't it mean to consider someone toxic?  I mean, doesn't God love them?  He definitely loves them.  But if they are being toxic toward you, you are not capable of reaching them.  This post isn't meant to be a major diagnostic thing.  It isn't meant for you to see all the people in your life as toxic now.  It is a way to determine if someone in your life is toxic to you and your mission.  Just because they are toxic to you doesn't mean they are toxic to everyone.  You are not able to reach them, but maybe someone else can.  By saying this person is toxic to you, you are not putting them down.  You are not garnering support for your opinion about this person.  You are deciding what is best and right for you in your mission and effectiveness for Christ.  The whole idea is to determine if someone is toxic toward you, and them remove yourself as much as possible.  Protect your heart, as well as your mission.  That may be just staying away from the toxic person, or keeping a low profile while they're around.  It may need to involve blocking them from being able to reach you (email, text, social media).  Those block features are there for your protection.  Hebrews 12:1 says to lay aside all hindrances.  Toxic people are hindrances to your journey of faith, so lay them aside as much as you can.  Run the race marked out for you.  

     When you understand toxic people, and what you are to do, you are free to engage in what God has called you to, and it becomes a joy instead of a de-energizing force.  Be safe and joyful in the Lord today.  

To order When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, by Gary Thomas: Click here

To watch The Buttercream Gang: Click here

To watch a hilarious commentary good-naturedly making fun of The Buttercream Gang:  Click here

Put up a fight?

     Well, it has happened.  I have been cancelled.  Facebook will no longer allow me to use my author page to promote my blog or other writing projects.  I can technically post, but I am no longer able to boost my posts from that page.  If you are not familiar, boosting is a paid way of advertising your page, where it reaches more people.  I have gained many of my followers by boosting my posts over the last three years.  Now, Facebook has blocked me from being able to do this, and I will be looking for new ways to advertise my blog and books.  If you have any ideas, let me know!  

     Why have I been silenced?  You can read two blog posts ago, my June 2 article about pride.  People with the opposite beliefs are given total freedom on this online platform, but they are threatened by my view.  If something is really right and true, it doesn't need to be forced on people, nor do opposing views need to be silenced.  I want to go on record and say that I am not too upset about this.  I have a joyful, fulfilling life, and if God wants my stuff out there, He will work it out.  If not, well, He has given me so many other things to focus on.  

     We live in a day with unprecedented access to communicate with other humans, often with people we don't even know apart from these encounters.  With the advent of social media, YouTube, blogging, etc. we can truly "reach out and touch someone" like no other generation could even imagine.  This can be a blessing, but can also be a double-edged sword.  We have the opportunities to communicate our beliefs and views on things, and people have the opportunity to agree or disagree with us.  They may choose to have respectful discussion, but quite often, all-out wars break out.  Horrible things are often said.  In my own foray into the world of social media, I have had some people absolutely love things I've said, and become true-blue followers (and even friends in some cases), and have had others say absolutely hateful and disgusting things.  It goes with the territory.  I have accepted that.  I've been told to drop dead, go jump in a lake, and other things of that nature.  I have also been told much worse, none of which is repeatable.  I am fairly certain these people would never say such things if I were physically standing in front of them.  There is something emboldening about being behind a computer screen, with a level of anonymity for security.  

     In social media, as well as in person, we hear people make statements we disagree with, or that rub us the wrong way.  When is it worth it to engage in discussions, and refute these people?  When is it a good idea to challenge something that has been said, and when it is a good idea to walk away silently?  I believe it is a case-by-case thing, and I even think it is a person-by-person thing.  God might not call you to take the same action He'd call me to, and vice-versa.  How are we to view those who make statements we disagree with, or personal attacks?  Let's look at this biblically.

     Proverbs 26:4-5 gives us the idea that there are different ways to handle it in different situations.  Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.  Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.  On the whole, we are called to live at peace with others.  Romans 12:18 says,  If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.  This short verse does give some caveats, though.  If possible.  So far as it depends on you.  This verse recognizes that it isn't always possible, and that it doesn't depend 100% on you (or me), but that other people are part of the equation, and we can't control them.  You can only control you.  On your end, live peaceably.  But it isn't always dependent upon you alone.  So does this mean you are called to just peacefully be silent when people are antagonistic?  Maybe, maybe not.  I believe that depends on what God is calling you to do in the situation.  Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is a time to keep silence, and a time to speak...  Sometimes, something is your fight...something God has impressed on your heart to speak out on.  Other times, you might feel like something has value and importance, but it isn't specifically vital in your own heart to speak out on it.  God has given that burden to someone else.  That is okay.  You need to do what you are called to do.  

     Here are some general guidelines that might help you in regards to making and responding to controversial statements.  

Decide what is worth it to you 

     What is truly important?  Mark 8:36 says, For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?  People can become heated about almost anything.  Sports, business, politics, you name it.  Some things might be worth an argument, but some are not.  They aren't about the human soul's eternal destiny.  It is up to you to determine what God would have you respond to, and what to ignore.  You are not me, so your priorities in this might differ, but for me, someone being a fan of a different sports team than me isn't worth having an argument over.  Someone shopping at a store I don't believe in (such as Target) isn't worth having an argument over.  People are free agents, and need to follow their own convictions.  I'm not the conviction police.  Someone liking different things than I do isn't worth it.  For example, I don't particularly find Joel Osteen to be spiritually fulfilling in what he says, but some people really like him and share his sayings.  It isn't worth it to me to refute that with them.  That is between them and God, just as my opinion is between myself and God.  On the other hand, a lot of people I'm friends with and follow really dislike Rick Warren, whereas I don't share their disdain.  I don't try to argue with them about it if they post something against him, though.  That isn't my concern.  It's somebody's, but not mine.  I will tell you what is always worth it to me, and that is the gospel, a biblical worldview, and things that follow along those lines.  I will often also stand against legalism (which is why I will often react to John MacArthur quotes).  Historical accuracy and truth are important to me as well.  So many falsehoods are being told about our founding fathers nowadays, and I think it is healthy to challenge the leftist rhetoric now and then--not because I  believe it will change them, but I believe they need to be challenged, and people need to see that and hold them accountable.  ...the truth will set you free (John 8:32).  As I said, some of these things might not be your fight.  Maybe God hasn't called you to engage.  That is okay, but you need to determine what is worth it to you, personally.  

Have a realistic goal

     In Matthew 10:16, Jesus told the disciples, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.  If you are speaking truth, you are in enemy territory.  That must be understood going into it.  Realize that, in speaking the truth, you will likely not bring about an instant, total 180 change in anyone.  The people who read what you say will already have deeply-held beliefs in place.  Just reading one person's statement online isn't going to automatically dispel their beliefs.  Recognize this.  Instead of having a goal to totally change other people (which we can't do anyway), have the goal of being a witness to the truth, regardless of the outcome.  Have the goal of giving someone something to think about.  It is true that your one statement probably won't make an immediate change in anyone, but it might give them something to really think about later on, and might be used by God as part of a what will bring about lasting change.  Also, realize that some people will like and agree with you, but others will not.  It is their right to disagree with you, and they might not be kind.  You have to have thick skin.  Online dialogue is not for the faint of heart.  Quite frankly, there are days I'm not up for it.  Don't expect high praise from everyone.  If you say and do right, you will receive the honor of the Lord, and that should be our real motive.  

Be as kind and courteous as you can 

     I quoted the first part of Matthew 10:16 earlier.  The second part of the verse reads, ...be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.  Be wise and intelligent in what you say.  Do your homework.  But in actual connecting with people, be innocent and kind.  There is nothing virtuous or good about insulting people.  Don't use fighting words.  Fighting words can include name-calling, as well as words like stupid, foolish, or even more benign (yet passive-aggressive) words, such as obviously, clearly, or other things like this.  Use I and me statements if you can, as opposed to you and we statements.  Resist the urge to try and speak for everyone on your side.  Admittedly, it feels more powerful and compelling to say, "We Christians are sick of you atheists..." or something like that, but don't try to lump everyone with you.  Speak for yourself, in first person.  A few months ago, I witnessed a political argument on Facebook, and one person was calling the other person stupid, and making all these false assertions about them.  It was incredibly rude.  That certainly wouldn't make anyone change their views to join your side.  It will have the opposite effect.  They will be more convinced than ever that people who hold your view are mean-spirited and cruel, and unable to come up with an intelligent answer.  It is much better to ask questions about their beliefs and have a respectful dialogue than to attack them.  People still might not change their outlook, but they will be a lot more receptive to yours if you are kind.   Name-calling and accusations are not the way to go.  It is best to detach from the situation as you respond.  Recognize that there are beautiful, intelligent, likable people who hold views that oppose yours.  Treat them accordingly, even if they are wrong.  

Don't give your heart away

     This kind of goes with the previous point.  You don't want to become vulnerable to these online strangers.  By that, I mean, don't share or respond from a place of emotion.  It is okay to share personal details if you want to, especially if it helps make your point, but do it carefully and wisely.  But by all means, do not show people that they have the power to trigger you.  That is giving them permission to hurt you.  These people often don't know or care about you at all.  They don't deserve access to your emotions.  Even if they make you very angry, keep your bearings when you respond.  James 1:19 says, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

Have a realistic view of the other person or people

     I already said this, but these people are not all foolish, stupid idiots.  They might be very nice, smart people who happen to believe differently than you or I do on a certain point.  Maybe they are 100% wrong, but that doesn't cancel out their good, God-given qualities, or their value as a human being.  Recognize that these people are not your enemy.  If the issue you are refuting is spiritual, then they might be deceived by the enemy, but they are not the enemy themselves.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood... (Ephesians 6:12).  On the other hand, also realize that this person doesn't matter to your life (unless you actually know them).  Don't let them get to you.  They are inconsequential.  Like you, they will get up from their computer, go eat dinner, do something fun with a friend or family member, and move on from this exchange you are having with them.  As I said, detach from them.  

Determine who is worth it

     Some people are worth responding to, and some are not.  It can be hard to determine.  I recently made a comment about something, where I explained the differences between Mormonism and Christianity (the post I was commenting on was trying to say they were the same).  I was very respectful, clinical even.  Someone replied to me that Mormons and Christians were both just different forms of being brainwashed, one with the Book of Mormon and the other with the Bible, but we were both just brainwashed.  He went on to bring up some things he saw as contradictions within the Bible.  The arguments he was making against the Bible had holes in them, and very simple explanations.  I really sensed that he was just being nasty, and that he wasn't truly asking these questions, but just throwing these things in my face.  I didn't sense a searching heart.  I decided to reply, however, and this is basically what I said: "You have raised some interesting points.  If you want to talk about them, I'd be happy to.  There are answers to the questions you are raising.  From the tone of your comment, I get the impression you really don't want the answers, though, but just want to criticize Christianity.  But if, on the off chance, you do want to have a conversation, I would be happy to answer your concerns."  Anyway, he responded that I was welcome to talk to him about the Bible, but he has chosen to listen to spirits who talk to him instead, and the spirits told him not to believe in the Bible.  Okay, at that point, I felt there was no level playing field.  We weren't arguing from the same source.  He was dead-set in his deceptive beliefs, and would not be receptive to anything I said.  I chose not to respond to him further.  Another person did, however, and told him he would be praying for him to know the truth of God's word, which I thought was great.  But I had to make that determination that this person wasn't coming from a place of being receptive to me or what I was saying.  It just wasn't worth it.  But I did feel like initially challenging his assertions, and I think that was powerful.  Everyone who reads that thread will see that I didn't back down from his criticisms of the Bible.  I don't think he was expecting me to have answers for him, either.  When I did, and offered to talk with him, he changed the game and said spirits were telling him not to listen.  When people just say hurtful and insulting things, I won't dignify that with a response at all.  Generally, if I feel something is said out of a true desire to understand, or genuine questions are being asked, I am willing to engage.  Other times, if someone makes a very fallacious statement, I might engage, if only to challenge them, and giving others reading the thread some food for thought.  It truly is a case-by-case thing.  If someone wants to just be mean, or argue for the sake of arguing, there is no point for me.  If someone is not arguing from a point where I can even relate to them, I usually won't try.  

     As Christians, and as people who care about the truth, we are on a mission to bring people to Christ.  With the internet, we have a wider access to reach others.  We also have a wider access to experience conflict.  Sometimes, I'm just not up for that.  Other times, I feel led.  You need to do what God has led you to do.  I hope the points I have shared (learned through trail and error) are helpful, whether you're online or just talking in person with people you meet and rub shoulders with. Hopefully, you won't get cancelled like I was...but it's more and more common.  Let's pray that God will open doors for us to be used of Him, whatever needs to happen!  Until next time...