What did you expect?

      "I'm never going to church again.  Church people are mean!"  my relative told me angrily.  No, not angrily.  As I listened to her, I detected something deeper than anger.  Hurt.  Brokenheartedness.  Disappointment.  Pain.  She had been deeply wounded by people in church, and she was done.  

     This heartbroken relative is not alone.  Many Christians have echoed this sentiment.  The idea of being done with church, because people are so mean.  That is truly a tragedy.  Those who wound others, especially misrepresenting Christ as they do so, will answer to God one day (For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ.  Second Corinthians 5:10).  The pain many have experienced in church is real.  My denomination recently uncovered some unreported abuse from the last few decades.  We grieve these things, and pray for those who survived these atrocious acts, and do our best to right wrongs now.  There is no excuse for any of it.  The believers who committed these acts will (as stated above in Second Corinthians 5:10) will give an account to God for what they did, and suffer loss of heavenly rewards.  The unbelievers who did so are only adding to their eternal misery in hell (The dead were judged, according to what they had done as recorded in the books...anyone whose name was not found in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire, Revelation 20:12, 15).  There is much I can say about this, but I'm going in a slightly different direction...

     Church attendance among Christians is on the decline.  Covid has had a big part in that.  Many people got into the habit of watching online church, and never returned to physical worship.  While church attendance has slowly risen (with 13% of American adults attending in-person services in July of 2020, and 27% of American adults attending in March of 2022, per Pew Research), the numbers are still down from what they were in 2019 (34% of American adults in 2019 attended services at least monthly, per Lifeway research).  Interestingly, a poll of Canadian Christians (per National Post) stated that, while church attendance is plunging in Canada, belief in God is remaining the same.  This means that those leaving the church are not leaving for reasons of actual faith.  Of course, Covid isn't really what my post here today is about, but I thought I'd mention it, since it has played a part in this trend.  Even before Covid, this was becoming a problem.  I have met many Christians (prior to Covid) who told me they don't go to church for various reasons.  Reasons I've heard have been things such as not being able to find that right church for them (that is, that fit their preferences and tastes), being disillusioned with church culture, or, most commonly, being hurt by the church.  

     I'll only say this quickly about Covid (and then, I will focus on the main reason I hear for church decline, about mean people in church).  As far as Covid is concerned, if someone is honestly protecting his or her health and feels they must stay home and watch online, that is a valid reason--if that is what they actually need, and have been told by their doctor.  Also, if this person is willing to go everywhere else, but not church, that is hypocritical.  This person needs to be back in church.  That is all I will say about Covid.  

     Is giving up on church really the answer?  Is giving up on anything in particular really the answer to dealing with mean people?  I think of Jesus' words in Matthew 11:7-9 What did you go out into the wilderness to see?  A reed shaken by the wind?  But what did you go out to see?  A man dressed in soft clothing?  Those who wear soft clothing are in kings' palaces!  But what did you go out to see?  A prophet?  Yes, I tell you, and one who is more than a prophet.  Here, Jesus was talking about John the Baptist, but His words here could be applied to other expectations.  I pose a similarly-phrased question:  "What did you go to church to see?  Perfect people who will never disappoint you?  Such people can only be found in Heaven.  But what did you go to see?  A mix of broken humanity at various stages of their growth, healing and journeys?  Yes, this is what you will find in church."  

     If you're going to stop attending church because of mean people, then, in order not to be a hypocrite, you should also walk away from other places with mean people.  There are mean people who shop at the same grocery store as you, so maybe you shouldn't shop there anymore.  There are mean people who are part of your civic clubs and social groups.  Maybe you should drop them.  There are mean people at the post office, so maybe you should't mail things anymore...Do you see where I'm going with this?  It sounds ridiculous to stop going to these other places because of mean people.  Why do some people think it makes sense to walk away from church for that reason?  I have a few thoughts, and also some responses:

1) Church serves as a community, not just a place of business

     Your local grocery store is not attempting to meet your God-given need for community.  Church is.  If someone is nasty in a grocery store one day, that doesn't hinder your purpose for going there--buying food.  On the other hand, someone being hurtful in church defeats the purpose of community church is supposed to provide.  That is why it might seem reasonable to walk away when hurtful things happen.  I can see why someone would draw the conclusion that walking away is the answer.  Here is my response.  Community is never guaranteed to be perfect.  No matter what community you are in--church, school, neighborhoods, civic clubs, etc.  We are never going to be close with everyone we meet.  We are never going to get along perfectly with everyone.  We click well with some, and not as much with others.  That's just life, and church is no exception.

2) Churches claim to preach life-changing truth, while church members often fail to have changed lives.

    As Christians, we have the best news in the world to share!  This news is that Jesus Christ came to take the penalty we deserve for our sins, making it possible for us to have a right relationship with God now, and to live with Him forever after death.  Through our study of scripture, we also find that Christians grow in faith over time.  This process of growth is called sanctification.  Galatians 2:20 says, I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.  With Christ in us, this kind of growth toward godliness is possible.  It's in Him, not our own strength.  This truth is preached in Christian churches.  And yet, why do we run into so much hypocrisy in church?  Doesn't sanctification "work"?  Here is my response.  The gospel--the good news--never, ever proclaims that we will reach perfection this side of heaven.  We are still humans, with strengths and weaknesses, and the same kinds of problems that everyone else has.  We are dealing with the effects of living in a sin-sick world.  We have our own hurts and problems, and sometimes, those things cause us to respond to others in ways that hurt them--often unintentionally.  This is unfortunate, but it is true.  The Apostle Paul, one of the greatest men of God, wrote, ...for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.  Even he couldn't always master the flesh.  Even he hurt people sometimes.  We have been shown grace by the Lord Jesus.  We need to show each other that same grace.  Being part of a church family means receiving and extending grace.  It means forgiving each other, and helping each other.  

3) If Christians have the most important thing in common, why can't they get along?  As Christians, we do share the most important commonality--our common salvation in Jesus.  That should bring us closer together.  I remember once, when I was growing up, the religion section of our newspaper showed a Christmas eve service at a multi-cultural church in downtown Los Angeles.  The picture showed Black, White, Hispanic, Arab, Indian, and Asian believers all singing worships songs.  One particular Hispanic man, in the front row of the church, had his eyes closed and head bowed in unmistakable contrition before the Lord as they all sang.  I was deeply moved and impacted by that picture, but the caption underneath touched me even more.  It said, The more you love Jesus, the more you love others.  That picture always struck me as how Heaven will be.  It's what I long for now.  Why don't we always have that unity together?  As I asked above, doesn't our faith "work" well enough to bring unity?  Here is my response.  When our focus is Jesus (like the Christians in that long-ago Christmas service in Los Angeles), we are unified, just like that.  But we still have different personalities, callings, interests and tastes.  When we deal with day to day life, sometimes, those things rub each other the wrong way.  We aren't always going to get along.  We should always love, but we won't always be close.  Paul was very close with Barnabas during their first missionary trip (Acts 13-14), but they had a "sharp disagreement" and parted ways (Acts 15:39).  Their split resulted in the furtherance of the Gospel.  They couldn't work together and continue to be at their best, but they still had the most important thing in common.  We read of other believers in the New Testament not getting along.  Paul even wrote in Romans 12:18, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  This verse implies that it isn't always possible, and also takes into account that it isn't all on you.  You may have every intent of getting along, but you are not the only person in the equation.  Not only in Biblical accounts, but throughout church history, we see believers struggling with each other.  That's normal.  It isn't an excuse to sin against them, but it is validation for the point that we shouldn't be expected to perfectly get along all the time.  

     So what do we do when we've been hurt in church?  First, I'm going to give a few reasons why leaving church is not the answer, and then, I'll give right steps to take when you've been wounded.

Reason 1: You can leave the building, you never stop being the church.   All born-again Christians are part of the body of Christ-- the universal church, which includes all believers, worldwide.  Whether or not you attend a weekly service, you, as a Christian, are part of that.  And we need each other.   So in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.  (Romans 12:5)

Reason 2: The Bible tells us to gather with other Christians.  Hebrews 10:25 says, Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.  According to this verse, walking out on church is a sin, and that, alone, is the reason we should stay in church.  This does not mean the way we do church is non-negotiable.  It is our tradition to meet on Sundays, weekly, and have churches with specific traditions and customs.  These things are not commands.  Maybe a group of Christians meets on Thursday nights, and studies the Word together.  That is still in obedience to this verse.  When my husband and I first got married, we lived in the mountains and managed rental cabins.  Our schedule was such that we almost never made it to Sunday morning church, but we always made it to the smaller, close-knit Wednesday night service, as well as several Bible studies and events during the week.  We were part of a church family, just not on the expected day of the week.  Some of the fellowship from that time was the deepest and best I've experienced.  When we were able, we got back into a more "normal" church routine, but there was nothing sinful or wrong in our more unorthodox routine.  

Reason 3: The Church needs you!  Maybe you can be that voice in the midst of hurtful, broken people, who speaks the truth to them.  Maybe you can help them in their journey to Christlikeness.  Maybe you can be part of the solution to the very problem that makes you want to leave!  Also, God has given you gifts and abilities that He wants to use in the church.  But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. (First Corinthians 12:18).  The church needs the gifts that God gave you!  

     And now, for some steps to take when you have been hurt in church, or by other Christians in general: 

1. Remove yourself from hurtful people.  You are never expected (by God, anyway) to continue allowing cruel treatment.  If someone is abusing you (sexually, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) get away!  You should even get away from them if they are doing smaller things (that might not qualify as abuse in a technical sense) that still hurt you or make you uncomfortable.  Go where you are safe.  This might mean leaving your particular church and joining another fellowship of believers.  It might mean just removing yourself from the hurtful person at church, and surrounding yourself with people you feel more comfortable with.  Maybe joining another Sunday school class or Bible study within your church is enough.  What you do to remove yourself depends on what type of mistreatment you are experiencing. 

2. Report wrong treatment to the correct person.  Report it to proper authorities.  Sexual or physical abuse should be reported to the police, or whatever abuse hotline exists in your area.  Spiritual abuse isn't usually illegal, but you can report spiritual abuse the the proper leadership within your church, denomination, etc.  Emotional abuse between adults (if it is verbal) is not usually considered criminal, but, as with spiritual abuse, you can report it to the correct leadership in your church or denomination.  It needs to be stopped.  Those in the wrong need to be held accountable.  Report what happened, and pursue justice.  In cases of smaller incidents that are not abuse, you may determine it isn't really something that the leadership needs to know.  But at least tell someone you trust what is going on.  Years ago, I had a lot of trouble with a mean-spirited woman I led a Bible study with.  I decided to just hold it in, and keep it between myself and the Lord.  I thought this was godly of me, to avoid gossiping about her.  Meanwhile, this woman was gossiping and lying about me to anyone who would listen, and she ended up turning the group against me.  Because I didn't confide in anyone, I didn't have an ally.  I ended up being kicked out of that Bible study.  It was very painful for me at the time.  I learned from the experience that it is okay to share my concerns.  This is not gossip or slander.  It is protecting yourself.

3. Surround yourself with healthy Christians you get along well with.  Some people just aren't in your tribe, so to speak.  They don't click with you.  That's okay.  There are enough people in this world for all of us to have people we relate to.  Friendships are a special gift from God.  These friends bring out your very best.  Proverbs 27:17 says, As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.  Proverbs 18:24 says, A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.  Those are the close friends God brings into your life.  God's plan is that you are to bless each other.  Surround yourself with those people.

4. Focus on Jesus, not people.  Even your dearest friends and family will let you down at some point.  Maybe not catastrophically, but they are not perfect, and they cannot be your all in all.  Only Christ can totally fulfill you.  Look to Him to meet the needs deep within.  Your church family can't do it.  Hebrews 12:2 says, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith...  If you go to church looking for Jesus, You'll find Him.  If you go to church looking for perfect people, you will be disappointed.  Romans 10:11 says, Everyone who believes in Him will not be put to shame.  

5. Ask God to reveal the truth to you.  If something truly abusive has happened to you, what I'm about to say doesn't apply.  For anything short of real abuse, ask yourself, am I perceiving this correctly?  One person who turned their back on church gave this scenario as their last straw:  "I was walking up to the church, and this woman was handing out bulletins, and she was smiling at everyone, but as soon as she saw us, she frowned."  As someone hearing this, my first thought was, are you sure?  Is it possible you misread her facial expression?  If she doesn't even know you (they were visiting) why would she do that?  Could there have been some other reason she frowned that had nothing to do with you?  A lot of people go to church just looking for people to let them down, and then when in inevitably happens, they get a victim mentality.  If you are in earnest about your faith, then get honest with the Lord and yourself.  Ask God to reveal the truth to you.  Maybe it's you.  Maybe it really is a legitimate problem.  At any rate, follow the previous steps.  Even if the frowning lady isn't intentionally being mean to you, it is still okay to remove yourself if she is making you feel bad (even unknowingly).  

     As Christians, we never stop being the church.  We are commanded to fellowship.  We need each other.  It is acceptable--right even--to remove yourself from those who hurt you.  It is right to report abuse, and it is right to get support from someone you trust, even if the situation isn't legally considered abusive.  Surround yourself with safe Christians.  Keep your focus on Jesus.  Ask God to reveal the truth of the situation to you--if you really want to know, He will reveal it.  

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

     Being a Christian seems like a nice, pleasant idea, until it becomes personal, requiring something of you.  Many people like the ideas of loving their neighbor, self-sacrifice, and even following God, when these are just theoretical ideas.  But Christianity isn't merely a set of good ideas.  You don't just pay lip-service to Jesus Christ.  You let let Him enter you, so that you can enter into His righteousness.  Galatians 2:20 says,  I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.  When you embraced His gift of salvation, you invited His Holy Spirit into your heart.  The victorious Christian life involves decisions.  Jesus described it this way, ...If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. (Luke 9:23)

     Our faith in Christ carries us to Heaven.  But along the way, it does a lot more.  It calls us to daily surrender to God's will for us. 

      Growing up,  I used to go to Christian camp.  The first several days in chapel, they would give a strong gospel message, and invitations for the unsaved to receive Christ.  But somewhere in the week, the emphasis would switch to the already-saved individuals.   The preacher would appeal to us to make a deeper commitment to our faith.  I made resolves in my life different years at camp, which made lasting differences.  These were meaningful times.  However, what they failed to say was that, while salvation was a one-time decision, these deeper surrender choices were daily.  Not just something we did at camp on a spiritual high.  It's easy to surrender with all your Christian friends in a meaningful moment, with touching music playing, and encouraging Christian adults standing around affirming your decision.  

     It is much harder when the rubber meets the road of life.  When it isn't exciting or emotional.  When you are challenged.  When you are tempted.  When you are pushed to your limits.  When the enemy hits you at your weakest points.  That is when we need to surrender the most urgently.  The Apostle Paul wrote about some of those times in Second Corinthians 4:8-9, We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going.  This quotation of it was from The Living Bible.  I love how it words this particular passage.  Does your life look like that sometimes?  

     The Christian life isn't just a list of Do's and Don'ts.  It's not a matter of "avoid sin and you're automatically in God's perfect will for you."  Our faith is a relationship, where God speaks to us and leads us, and wants fellowship with us.  He wants to be Lord of our decisions, because (being all-knowing) He knows what He is purposing to do in and through us, and how that will impact others, and even eternity.  His will is the very best for us, because He loves us more than anyone else ever could, and therefore, His will can be trusted.  Not only that, but because He is also all-powerful, He can enable you to do what He has called you to do.  This might mean taking some drastic life-step, like surrendering to a calling into the ministry--or it might be something seemingly small, like taking a moment to listen to someone, or impart a truth into someone's life.  God knows all, loves you intimately, and is all-powerful.  This combination of perfect knowledge, love, and power should give us the security to rest in His plans for us.  

     While violating biblical commands is sinful, and living according to the Bible is righteous, it isn't always that simplistic.   For example, it is also sinful to ignore the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  If the Holy Spirit is calling me to take a specific action, and I don't take it, I have sinned, even if what I did wasn't technically disobeying the Bible.  James 4:17 says, Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin. God's Holy Spirit speaks to us, and guides us.  Hebrews 10:16 tells us, ...I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them.  Seeking God every day is a must.  Hearing and obeying His voice is our sustenance.  Psalm 63:1 paints a beautiful picture of our need to seek Him.  ...early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.  Do you long for God's presence in your life like that?  I want to, but there are times I get sidetracked.  When that happens, it is only a matter of time before I am reminded of my deep need of my Savior in my day to day life.  

     Christianity isn't just a beautiful story about Jesus saving us and taking us to Heaven one day.  That is the gist of it, and that is the message that saves us.  But the daily Christian life on earth is saying yes to Jesus when we don't feel like it.  It's going off by myself and praying for someone, instead of lashing out at them.  It's saying no to a second dessert, because I've had enough and don't need food to fulfill me.  It's waiting for God to reveal the next step when I feel like taking action myself.  It's being grateful when I want to complain.  And it's impossible in our own strength.  With the Holy Spirit in our hearts, we are able, and we will one day reap the rewards that come from an obedient life!  Count the cost, pay the price, reap the rewards!  

Warfare Tactics

     "I gave my life to Satan a long time ago," the girl (or the spirit inside her) hissed at me, unable to make eye contact.  

     "Then you made the wrong alliance," I countered.  "You were worth the life of Jesus Christ.  It's not too late.  He can save you today."  

     For the first time in this encounter in a darkened garage that December morning of 2009, she looked at me.  And those eyes!  They looked like hallow orbs that absorbed light rather than reflecting it.  I saw the face of this girl tense up and contort, until I could see the face of the evil she had allowed in looking at me...in fear.  In hate.  In rage, because my Master had defeated his.  I refer to the demon(s) in the masculine--for lack of definite knowledge.  The girl cowered from me, covering her face, shaking.  

     How had I ended up in a dark garage in the early hours of December 23, 2009 (shortly after midnight), facing down a demonized teen?  That's a story for another day--all part of what can happen in ministry at times.  But I will say the power of God clearly overshadowed the power of Satan, and brought fear to Satan's followers.  

     As believers, was are sometimes reminded that we are fighting a war.  A war between good and evil, God and Satan.  This war has been raging since almost the beginning of the world, and will rage until Jesus returns once and for all.  Every living person on this earth is part of that war, whether they know it or not.  When you received Jesus, you defected from Satan's side to God's, and now, you are one of Satan's prime targets!  We fight on God's side.  God could win the war right now if He chose.  He could throw Satan into the abyss and win.  But He is longsuffering for the sake of people.  Second Peter 3:9 says, The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

     We look at world events, and can see Satan and God at work.  But it isn't just a battle that goes on in the bigger realm like that.  It's a battle that takes place in your town.  Your church.  Your home.  Your heart.  You are part of that battle.  You have an enemy (Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour. First Peter 5:8).  And you have an advocate in Christ (First John 2:1).  Our side wins--we know the end of the story.  There are more with us than our enemies (Second Kings 6:16).  This is not necessarily true in human terms, but God has His angels all over, as seen in Second Kings 6.  We know our enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10).  That same verse goes on to say that our Master, Jesus, came to give us an abundant life.  I think we picked the right side!  

     I sometimes see myself and others throwing a small battle--giving place to the enemy on some small front, because "it's no big deal."  We don't realize the seriousness of what we're doing.  I see this happening on the political stage--politicians who espouse biblical values endorsing or giving in to those who do not, as a kind of "I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine."  They fail to realize the compromises they make only lead to bigger compromises.  And the other side never scratches your back in return.  This is true not only in these big political ways, but in our lives.  

     Satan tried to get Jesus to make some seemingly small compromises (Matthew 4).  In the final of three temptations, Satan promised Jesus he would give Him the kingdoms of the world if He would only worship him.  Satan was offering to throw the battle and give Jesus the kingdoms so that Jesus wouldn't have to die to redeem them.  Satan was claiming he would leave them alone.  But there was a catch.  Jesus had to worship him.  If that was the case, Satan would still be in charge of these kingdoms.  That's how our adversary works.  Nothing is really that easy.  Jesus saw it for what it was, and refused Satan's offer.  That's what we need to do!  

     So what battles are we fighting?  How is Satan trying to defeat you in your part of the greater battle?  My guess is that he is doing it with seemingly little things.  He knows you're too astute to fall for something big, like selling your soul to him.  He will not successfully tempt you to go out and kill someone today.  But can he get your focus off Christ?  Can he get you angry with fellow-believers?  Can he get you tripped up with your own personal besetting sin?  Can he touch on the vulnerable part of your heart with temptations that look beautiful?  

     Hezekiah was one of Judah's most godly kings.  Second Kings 18:5 says, Hezekiah trusted in the Lord, the God of Israel.  There was no one like him among all the kings of Judah, either before him or after him.  This godly king made sweeping reforms in Judah, ending idolatry, and reinstating true worship of the Lord,  He saw God work miracles during his reign.  And yet even he gave the enemy a foothold in a moment of weakness.  In Second Kings 20, we are told about how some Babylonians came down to see him, and he showed off all his great treasures.  His pride was awakened, and he gave in to it.  The result was the future captivity of his nation (after his lifetime).  Even the godly (like Hezekiah) must be so careful not to give place to the enemy.  It can seem harmless, but it isn't!  If you know something is wrong, stay away from it!  You are in a war!  Don't make a peace treaty with the enemy on any front.  Don't give Satan any ground!  He doesn't play fair.  He doesn't keep his promises.  

     We are frail and weak a times.  In Steve Green's song Guard Your Heart, the following lyrics really speak to the ways the enemy can get at us without us even realizing:  The human heart is easily swayed and often betrayed at the hand of emotions.  We dare not leave the outcome to chance we must choose in advance... So true!   We need to make a choice before the temptation is even given to us.  Likewise, Amy Grant's song Old Man's Rubble, says, Deep within you there's a spiritual battle.  The voice of the darkness, the voice of the light.  Just by listening, you've made a decision, because the voice we hear is gonna win the fight.  If you wait until you're in an obvious battle, you've already given the battle away.  You need to already be choosing truth and righteousness before it even comes to the point of apparent battle.  The battle is waging long before you can see or sense it.  Hezekiah innocently showed some visitors his treasures.  There wasn't an obvious battle between Judah and Babylon at that time.  It seemed like a cordial visit.  And yet look what it led to,  

     Satan is subtle and clever.  For example, I have no desire or inkling of being unfaithful to my husband.  Satan isn't going to bring a man to my door who asks to hop in the sack with me.  Satan knows I won't fall for that.  But can he tempt me just a little bit every day with fictional characters played by handsome actors who embody traits that touch my heart?  Little by little, can he administer that poison until my guard is down?  For this reason, I think it is very dangerous for women to indulge "celebrity crushes" as many women on Facebook talk about today.  Sadly, many married Christian women get in on this.  It may seem harmless, since you don't know the person.  Yet, I believe it is one step in a bigger battle against our marriages.  Feeling a crush on someone besides your spouse should have you on your knees, and far away from the object of said crush.  It may mean turning off the TV, changing your routine, trying to stay away from certain people, putting down a certain book, shutting your browser.  Are you willing to do your part to win the battle, not lose it?  And lest I pick on women and not men, the same is true for a man looking in lust at another woman.  Jesus even addressed this particular issue from a man's point of view But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  (Matthew 5:28).  It applies to both sexes.  

     Maybe your vice is something different.  Maybe it is pride, like King Hezekiah.  Maybe it is money.  Maybe it is food.  Maybe it has to do with friendships and other relationships.  Don't give Satan even a little foothold.  Run away!  To quote another song Don't even look in the direction of a thought you should not entertain.  (Steven Curtis Chapman, Run Away).  

     Sometimes it's hard to remember who we're really fighting, because we can't see Satan, but we can see the problems he creates.  

     We are given some battle tactics.  For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.  We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.  (Second Corinthians 10:3-5).  The moment a thought pops into your mind that isn't of God, reject it.  I remember one summer, I was at camp, and the soda vending machine was broken.  I figured out how to get free sodas out of it.  But I knew it wasn't right, and I was really tempted to get free sodas.  This may sound like a laughable dilemma, but it was really wrong.  Stealing is a sin.  Being so dependent on soda (or any substance) that I'd steal is a deep problem that only God can heal.  I went to the camp pastor and told him my problem, and he shared the above passage with me.  I needed to bring every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.  Every time I craved a free soda, I needed to remind myself of the truth, that I didn't need it, especially not that way.  I also needed to make my battle easier by staying away from the machine altogether.  That's what we should do with every temptation!  Little temptations are part of a battle, and every battle is part of the bigger war.  You are a soldier for the Lord.  No more time to fool around!  

     I'm going to close with yet one more song, but one your probably don't know.  It was written by Paul Freeman, one of my classmates of Southwest Bible College many years ago: Keep your eyes on the prize, don't look to the side.  See the goal the lies ahead, it's there just like I said.  Keep your head up, keep it square, for you know you're almost there.  There's no time for compromise, keep your eyes on the prize. 

Conflicts--Good or Bad?

     "Chapter and verse, please,"  I said simply.  I was a college student, in a Bible study.  A belligerent young man had been coming to the group lately, and had made some very angry, mean-spirited and unbiblical comments against others in the group, and even against God.  No one else in the group was saying anything in response to him, and he was taking this and running with it.  As a Bible-believer, and as someone who cared about the others in the group, I couldn't let this stand, which was why I simply asked for chapter and verse as biblical proof for what he was saying.  

     Everyone in the room gasped that I had challenged this guy.  They had seemingly thought that if they ignored him, it wouldn't be a problem.  Perhaps they thought they could pretend it away.  I don't know.  Some things are worth ignoring.  To me, this was not.  

     Mr. Belligerent sort of stammered.  "Well...uh...it's not one of those things you can find in the Bible."

     "Then it's not one of those things that's true," I said simply.

     "God sometimes lies," he quickly threw out.

     "God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?" I quoted Numbers 23:19.

     Mr. Belligerent's face puckered in annoyance.  "I hate Christians who use the Bible against me."

     "Then stop making heretical statements, and you won't have to worry about it anymore."

     By now, everyone in the group was horrified that I was taking this guy on.  I had hoped they would take courage and also refute these false statements he was making against God, but they were all mad at me!  I was the bad one, because I had argued with him.  I am not going to say that everything I said to this guy was perfect.  Over the course of several weeks, I really lost it with him.  The next week, he made a very mean comment to another student, and I demanded, "Are you incapable of saying anything pleasant?"  I was pretty strong.  But this begs the question, when did this become a conflict?  Did my involvement make it a conflict, or was it already one?  Is conflict always wrong?  

     In Jude verse 3 (Jude only has one chapter), we are told, Beloved, while I was very diligent to write to you concerning our common salvation, I found it necessary to write to you exhorting you to contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints.  There you have it, we are to contend for the faith.  That means fight for the truth of God's word when it is under attack.  In light of that, I do not think I was wrong to refute this young man's incorrect statements.  Furthermore, I believe the conflict began as soon as he started saying wrong things about God and the Bible, not when I challenged him for it.  But what about other kinds of conflicts?  

      I remember growing up, whenever arguments broke out between myself and others, the adults present (whether they were teachers, parents, or someone else in charge) would immediately spring into action to try to put a stop to the fighting.  I remember one wise mentor telling us, "No fighting is allowed here!"  The message given to me was that fighting is always wrong.  But is it?  We have already seen from the book of Jude that conflicts for the sake of truth are God's calling to us, so obviously, not all fighting is a sin.

     Years later, as a young woman, I went on some mission trips with the ministry I ultimately ended up serving with full-time.  At all our trainings, we had it drilled into us again and again, "The number one reason missionaries leave the field early is because of other missionaries!  You must learn to get along!"  The responsibility was placed on us as individuals that the entire mission depended on us, singlehandedly, getting along with the others.  Of course, no one ever told us how to carry out this most vital task of getting along.  It's always hard when someone tells you what to do, but won't tell you how.  

     This negative view of conflict led to a lot of problems.  Sometimes, conflicts happened because someone was being either aggressively controlling (such as Mr. Belligerent I had mentioned at the beginning) or passive-aggressive, and yet the person who addressed this was seen as the bad guy, because they were forcing the issue to be talked about, and become a conflict.  What they didn't realize was that there already was a conflict, but everyone was in denial.  The idea of "to see the problem is to be the problem" became a theme in my young adult days.  One time, a pastor gave a talk to our group about how it's a sin to confront others (which is obviously not true, since Jesus told us how to confront in Matthew 18).  This pastor went on to state that how, if you point out a problem you see, it really means you're the one who started it.  That is the most fallacious thing I had ever heard.  This would mean that, if someone broke into my house and I caught them in the act, called the police, had them arrested, pressed charges against them, and testified against them in court, it really means that I was the one who caused them to break in to begin with.  It makes no sense!  Obviously, pointing out a problem does not mean you caused it!  People who make those claims are trying to protect themselves from ever being confronted or held to account.  That should be a red flag, because we all need to be held accountable.  Speaking out is biblical.  Ezekiel 33:7 tells us, Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me.  God often leads people to speak up about things that aren't right.  

     What I find interesting is that never once did I hear anything about how God can use conflicts--even between believers--for His glory.  Never once did I hear that God's will can be accomplished through missionaries deciding to leave the field.  It was a given that nothing good came out of failure to get along.  But is that true?  

     First, what is our responsibility in getting along?  Romans 12:18 says, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  The ideal is for us to live at peace with all, but there are some important qualifiers here.  If it is possible.  This recognizes that it isn't always possible.  As far as it depends on you.  This implies that it isn't 100% your responsibility.  You can only do so much.  

     You cannot change or control anyone but yourself, so focus on what you can do.  Work on you.  When there is a conflict, look within.  What is your part?  Do you need to make anything right?  In spite of the other person's part, do you still have any responsibility in it?  Write out an inventory of your problem.  Here is how that works: 

     As pictured below, you'll take a piece of paper and divide it into five columns (you can do your own, or print out something like this picture:

Copyright, Celebrate Recovery inventory form

     The first column is the name of the person you had the conflict with.  The second column is the cause.  That is, what the person did.  This is for your eyes only, so brutally spare no detail of what this person did.  Feel the anger over it.  You need to in order to heal.  The third column is for the effect--that is, the effect of what the person did, and what impact it had on your life.  The fourth is the damage, how their actions damaged you.  The final column is the hardest, but the most necessary.  That is my part. This is where you can look at yourself.  You've already looked at the other person.  You needed to.  But now you need to look at yourself.  Be honest with yourself.  Ask God to help you know the truth about yourself and others.  Psalm 51:6 says, Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.  For a deeper look at conflict resolution with the inventory, see my September 10, 2020 post, In the Presence of my Enemies.  

                                                  

      Maybe you will discover that you are largely the one at fault.  Maybe you will discover that you were only very minimally at fault.  Perhaps it's 50/50.  But you are only responsible for your part.  In most cases, you need to make your part right.  Make amends.  There are exceptions, such as if your amends would harm the other person, yourself, or someone else.  

     When you make amends, you are only apologizing for your part.  Do not take on responsibility for their part, and do not put your part on them.  Don't say, "I wouldn't have done such and such if you hadn't XYZ."  Simply make your part right.  The other person may or may not make amends for their part, but at least you will have done the right thing.  The person may or many not accept your amends, but again, this isn't on you.  You are not responsible for them.  On the other hand, if the person really does want to have a heart to heart about it, and you both want to peaceably discuss the different impetuses of your conflicts, that is fine, but don't go into it expecting that.  If you work things out (or even if you don't) dealing with a conflict can be a growing experience for everyone involved.  The growth in your own life is a positive side of conflict.  Even as children, conflicting with others is how we learn and grow.  Don't completely discount the value of conflicts.  

     Sometimes, it is for the best that you move on from a situation when there is conflict.  If your best efforts aren't enough in keeping the peace with someone, God might be leading you onward to the next place He has for you.  It isn't necessarily bad.  Paul and Barnabas parted company because they had a "sharp disagreement" (Acts 15:39).  What was the result?  The gospel spread further than it would have!  Conflicts are not necessarily failures.  

     I am almost done reading the book Becoming Elisabeth Elliot, by Ellen Vaughn.  This masterfully-written biography about one of the 20th century's most influential Christian women has been eye-opening to me.  I have felt incredibly validated by some of the missionary struggles Elisabeth Elliot faced, aspects I had never heard before (and I had heard her story all my life).  The sanitized version of the story that I grew up with was: Elisabeth Elliot lovingly went to witness to the tribe that murdered her husband, and ended up seeing them come to Christ!  Understandably, that angle to the story is very inspiring and encouraging.  And it is the truth.  But there was so much more to it.  Elisabeth went to reach the tribe with another missionary woman, Rachel Saint.  Rachel's brother, Nate Saint, had been speared to death along with Elisabeth's husband Jim (and three other missionaries) trying to reach this tribe with the gospel.  Elisabeth and Rachel were united in their desire to see these people come to salvation.  Unfortunately, they were not united in anything else, and they were ultimately unable to work together in the long term.   In fact, I was unable to find any pictures of the two of them working together, which is why their pictures from that era are separate (even though they were working together at the time).  

Rachel Saint

. 

Elisabeth Elliot, her young daughter Valerie, and a local young woman.

     As I read about the conflicts between these two faithful servants, it was easy for me to take sides, since these conflicts were so similar to conflicts I have had with fellow missionaries.  Even the way their mission agency tried to facilitate a resolution reminded me of some of the lame attempts I have seen in different ministry situations.  And yet, we must consider that both of these women faithfully served the Lord for the rest of their lives, following the conflict.  Elisabeth Elliot decided that, after a time, she needed to leave their work.  Frustrated by the failure of her working relationship with Rachel, Elisabeth recognized that the ministry itself wasn't a failure.  She wrote: I find that faith is more vigorously exercised when I can find no satisfying explanation for the way God does things.  I have to hope, without any evidence seen, that things will come out right in the end--not merely that we shall receive compensation, but that we and all creation will be redeemed.  This means infinitely more than the good will eventually outweigh the evil.  

     Steve Saint, Rachel's nephew, who also maintained a close relationship with Elisabeth (whom he called "Aunt Betty") said: "I know both women were hurt by the other's lack of acceptance.  But God works through hurt."

     Yes, God surely works through hurt.  I think in all the trying to drill into people how wrong fighting is, we need to recognize the good that can be accomplished through it.  Conflicts, even irreconcilable conflicts, are not necessarily failures.  Moving on isn't a failure.  Fighting to contend for the faith surely isn't a failure.  All the ministry we do, in the midst of conflict, is still effective: forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.  (First Corinthians 15:58).  

     Conflicts, especially between Christians, are difficult.  But they are not a sign that you are a failure.  They are not the end.  There is life after conflict.  We have that resurrection power in our lives (Romans 8:11).  If we believe in eternal life, surely we can believe there is victory in the face of conflicts.  I will close with the words of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians: But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  (First Corinthians 15:57).

Relationships 101

      Life can throw a lot of things at us.  There are difficulties that come with living on this planet.  Decisions need to be made as we navigate life.  Do I take this job?  Do I move here or there?  What is God leading me to do?  There are big decisions (What should I major in at college? What job should I take?), as well as the choices to be made in the intricate details of life (what should I say to this friend in this situation?). I believe God cares about all of it, and wants us to seek Him, then obey what He has led us to do.  On the other hand, I don't believe He wants us to miserably agonize and struggle.  After all, God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. (First John 3:20).  

     One of the hardest areas of life for many to navigate is the area of love/dating/marriage/singleness issues.  There are whole genres of books and conferences devoted to it, and now, with all the dating businesses out there, it is an industry!  Christians, as well as non-Christians, are cashing in on this part of people's lives.  This was a difficult part of my own life when I was single--not because of the man I ultimately ended up marrying (meeting Walter and having that relationship progress to marriage was a piece of cake compared to the whole process that came before).  There were so many messages being thrown at me.  

     People gave so much advice.  It's always easier to give advice than it is to carry it out.  For example, it was easy for a well-meaning older woman I know to tell me, "You need to invite all the Christian singles you know over for just a fun get-together in your home and just see who ends up connecting and forming relationships."  In theory, that's a great idea.  But realistically, carrying that out isn't as simple as just saying it.  I didn't have that many friends who would have been into that.  That's just one example of some well-meant advice that didn't really fit into what God was doing in my life.  

     Today, I was in the Christian bookstore, and I happened to see the book Boy Meets Girl, say hello to courtship, by Joshua Harris.  This is the sequel to his famous (or infamous) bestseller I kissed Dating Goodbye.  All of Joshua Harris' books have been out of print since 2019, so this copy must have been sitting on the shelf at the bookstore for years.  

     This book, as well as the one preceding it, had a huge impact on my generation of Christian young people's dating habits.  Seeing it in the store today put me in the mind of other such books (which are still in print) such as Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot, and When God Writes Your Love Story, by Eric and Leslie Ludy.  Both of those books were also in the bookstore today, and I picked them up and thumbed through them, letting the memories of yesteryear--some from another century--come back to me, reminding me of my life as a young, confused single woman, wanting to do God's will.  In light of all the confusing messages out there, I sometimes feel it is a miracle I'm married.  Some of my married friends expressed similar sentiments, while others are single, still navigating all of this.  I'm going to interact a little bit with the messages of these books, and also answer the questions: What is a woman's place in romantic relationships?  What is a man's?  What is God's responsibility?  What is ours? 

     I was sixteen when I Kissed Dating Goodbye was published.  It took the world by storm.  Friends of mine thought it was very profound.  The book opened with an imaginary scenario:  A bride at the altar on her wedding day.  Suddenly, several other girls come up and stand beside her groom.  He tells his bewildered bride, "These are all girls I dated before I met you.  I gave each one a piece of my heart."  Crying, the bride says, "I thought your heart was mine!"  to which the groom replies,  "You can have everything that is left!"  What a powerful--and so very wrong--message!  

     What this communicated to me at the time was, "You have once chance to date the right guy, and if you blow it and go out with someone who doesn't end up being your husband, you've already cheated on your real husband in advance, and you'll never have your whole heart to give to him when you finally do marry."  This is so contrary to the message of redemption taught throughout scripture!  This assumes that we have a finite amount of love to give away (which is untrue) and also, that we will never be able to get over past relationships and move on with our lives (also untrue!).  This scenario made it seem like anyone who had ever gone out with a person they didn't end up marrying was damaged goods.  That is so ridiculous!  Our God is a God of forgiveness, grace, renewal and healing.  Nowhere in scripture are we told that we can damage our lives beyond His redemption--and yet this book made it seem like we could, simply by liking and going out with someone we didn't ultimately end up with.  Dating the wrong one became the new unpardonable sin.  

     The idea of "giving pieces of your heart away" was further popularized much later by Josh Duggar (who is now also infamous), the oldest son of the well-known Arkansas family who have 19 children, and formerly espoused their Conservative values on their own reality TV show.  Josh Duggar (age 20 at the time, who admittedly had very little experience in relationships then) stated very boldly on TV that when you date, you're giving pieces of your heart away, and will have nothing left to give your spouse.  He, his parents, and his future in-laws said that dating prepares you for divorce, while courtship prepares you for marriage.  Josh went on to praise his own courtship with his future-wife Anna.  No one in this episode of their show proved satisfactorily how their brand of courtship is actually superior, or how it prevents giving your heart away.  Now, in April of 2022, Josh is in jail, awaiting prison sentence, for child porn charges, and also having been unfaithful to his wife.  In spite of his big talk about courtship, he failed miserably where it really counted.  That isn't my point here, though it does give pause to think.  

Anna and Josh, before his scandals came out

     I did agree with the basic premise of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in that it is silly to get into a serious relationship when you were still young and didn't know the direction your life was headed.  To me, that's common sense.  Getting too emotionally involved at the wrong time can make it so much harder to discern other things God may be leading you to do during a very critical time in life.  Even so, though, I don't think we can make a hard, fast rule about it.  God leads everyone's life differently.  Within biblical Christianity, there is room for the Holy Spirit to direct our lives and stories differently.  Some people marry their high school sweetheart.  Others marry later.  Some do not marry.  All of these people can be in God's will and leading.  Making some arbitrary rule about dating may work for how God is leading some people's lives, but may not fit everyone.  John 10:27 says, My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I think instead of focusing on specific rules about dating, we should focus on hearing God's voice and obeying what He has led us to do.  We start by obeying what we are all commanded in scripture, and then being sensitive to what the Holy Spirit is specifically leading us to do.  

     The summer I was fourteen, going into high school, I worked in Vacation Bible School at church.  My youth group boyfriend worked in the same class as me.  We had liked each other all through junior high, and always hung out together.  He had told me I was beautiful, and of course, that had made me melt.  There was no serious relationship between us, just kids liking each other, but I went into that time at VBS hoping that after we served that week, we might get more serious in our relationship.  Instead, I went out of that week of serving the Lord knowing this guy wasn't the one for me, and knowing that I didn't want to date or get serious with a boyfriend until I was eighteen and out of high school.  God did so much in and through me that week in VBS, and this guy was just along for the ride.  I knew I could only be with a man who cared as much about serving God as I did.  To be honest, I was kind of infatuated with the Apostle Paul at the time, and a guy would have had to be pretty spiritual for me to have even noticed him after that week in VBS.  I wanted to spend my high school years becoming the person I was meant to be, seeing where God was leading me, without the pressure of a boyfriend.  I reasoned that by the time I was out of high school, I would have a better idea of where my life was going, and would be ready to get serious with a guy who was going that direction as well.  I think that was one of the wisest decisions I ever made.  God led me to make it.  He might not lead everyone to do that, so I would never write a book claiming that everyone needs to do what I did.  I can only speak for myself and how God led my life.  Life is about a relationship with God, not about checking off all the boxes of doing everything "right" by manmade standards.  

     Needless to say, I didn't 100% buy into Joshua Harris' message in his first book.  I thought it had a few good points, but also had some holes in it.  It never gave the idea of when it was finally okay to start dating.  Other people I knew made a whole doctrine out of it, as if this were a new book of the Bible or something.  That kind of scared me.  Those who espoused it the most seemed to be leaders who wanted to control or belittle young people's lives.  Many people used this book, and the larger purity culture, to deify men and demonize women.  In many instances, I saw the mentality that men could do no wrong, and women could do no right.  I am not a feminist, and I am not always looking for imaginary examples of women being shorted.  I really did see this.  In fairness, my husband saw the opposite.  Women in his Bible college were seen as the fairer sex, and could get away with being manipulative, but men who did anything a woman didn't like were suddenly labeled as a predator.    

     Joshua Harris' second, already-mentioned book, Boy Meets Girl, say hello to courtship, came out a few years later.  I was a young adult by then, and was interested to see what he had to say, so I read it.  It was okay, but it was really just his story about how he met his wife.  There was an underlying attitude of, "This is what we did, so this is what you ought to do."  That was very frustrating.  People are so multifaceted and dynamic.  No two people have the exact same story.  No two people would respond the exact same way in a given situation.  God doesn't direct any two people the same way.  There isn't a one-size fits all way to do relationships.  That is the fallacy behind these books.  

     After my own trial and error in dating as a young woman, I turned to the book Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot.  Unlike Joshua Harris, Elisabeth Elliot is not from my generation.  She was older and wiser, with a lifetime of wisdom, and more experience than she ever bargained for (she had been widowed twice and was on her third marriage at the time of the book's publication--a marriage that would last until her death in 2015).  I had been told the story of Elisabeth's first husband, Jim Elliot, my entire life.  Jim was martyred for the Gospel, and as his widow, Elisabeth stayed and continued to reach his killers for Christ, eventually seeing them saved.  Their inspiring story has rightfully been given a place of honor in modern Christianity.  My own mother was saved in the late 50's as a result of this happening.  Personally, I have used Jim and Elisabeth's story in ministry, and seen many come to Christ as a result.  I know that Jim and Elisabeth Elliot are rejoicing in Heaven for how God has used them and their story.  However, they were still humans.  Just because they were faithful to the Lord doesn't mean their story is my story.  I'm called to be like Jesus, not them (I'm sure they would have wholeheartedly agreed with that, even before going to Heaven and becoming perfect in Christ).  

Elisabeth and Jim Elliot

     Like Joshua Harris, Elisabeth Elliot shared her romance as a sort of pattern.  At the time I read it (at age 20), I really struggled.  I wanted to love that book.  I really did.  I admired the Elliots so much, but really struggled with some of the claims made in the book.  While Passion and Purity didn't claim that going on a date was equal to cheating on your yet-unknown spouse, and it wasn't as all-or-nothing as Joshua Harris' writings, I struggled with some of the statements in it, and I feel that these statements are still believed by many.  Upon opening the book today at the bookstore, I was reminded of my impressions from the past.  

     The idea was that men always have to initiate.  Okay, I can agree with that as a general idea.  But to what extent does that work?  Elisabeth Elliot seemed to be stating that women were to always be completely passive, and only respond when a man was completely straightforward with her.  In other words, if a man is monopolizing a woman's time, showing a strong interest, and leading a woman to believe there could be a future, the woman still can't respond to that unless he has "officially" stated what the relationship is.  Elisabeth gave several examples of women making fools of themselves pursuing men who had given them no encouragement at all.  I agree that these women jumped the gun, but felt really sorry for them.  Elisabeth went on to share about women who felt misled by men who had actually showed an interest, then dropped the ball.  That is something I'm very familiar with.  In one instance Elisabeth shared about, the man was pursuing the woman, taking her out on dates a few evenings a week, spending time with her, and then suddenly just started ignoring her with no explanation at all.  I've been there myself.  I feel for the woman.  Elisabeth Elliot, instead, sympathized with the men in these situations.  She took the position that, unless it is 100% official, women have no business questioning men who give them signals.  It appeared that total passivity was called for.  She even felt that women who expected men to follow through were being unrealistic and unfair to men.  Women were only encouraged to be honest with men when men were completely forward and laid all their cards on the table.  

     I can understand cautioning women from jumping the gun, and encouraging them to let the men initiate.  I am not against that.  The first examples she gave were of women who totally threw themselves at men who had given them no reason to even assume they were interested.  But what about these other noted situations where something had been said or done?  Some men have been very passive-aggressive, and that was my experience before I met my husband.  What was I supposed to say or do?  Just pretend it wasn't happening because the man hadn't properly stated his intentions?  If a man doesn't give a woman something proper to respond to, she just has to guess, and it's easy to guess wrongly.  Sometimes, these men are stumbling blocks to women.  That wasn't addressed in the book.  

      After reading Passion and Purity as a young woman, I felt very foolish about some things I realize I had no reason to be ashamed of.  After that point, when a man showed an interest without stating it, I would respond the best I could, but felt very lost if he wasn't as forward as Jim Elliot had been with Elisabeth (and let's face it, there was only room on earth, or in history, for one Jim Elliot!).  I think there is wisdom in moving away from seeming relationships that are not being defined.  If a man isn't declaring himself, it might be a good idea to just move away from him.  You need to take care of yourself, and these kinds of passive-aggressive relationships are so hard on us.  It is my belief that men who perpetuate these relationships need to be brought to account, and I personally see nothing wrong with a woman asking for clarification.  

     If you are a passive person, maybe what was being encouraged in Passion and Purity or these other books would work for you.  But if you are not, it might feel like forcing yourself to become this person that isn't really you.  I don't think God calls any of us to do that.  My husband has said that if I was totally passive, he would have been discouraged and thought I didn't like him, and might have stopped pursuing.  He did initiate our relationship, but I gave responses to the initial feelers he put out.  At our first meeting, when we really hit it off, I silently begged God to have his man ask to keep in touch with me.  By the end of the conversation, Walter had asked about contact info, and I gave him my phone number.  He called me three days later.  It was hard wait, but worth it!  As he asked me out, and we continued seeing each other, I did ask him what our relationship was, and he made that decision to ask me to be his girlfriend.  As we moved on, he began talking about marriage, and even planning a wedding.  I finally asked. him, "Are we officially engaged, then?" to which he proposed.  We went to Kmart, and he got me an inexpensive place holder ring to wear to work the next day, just so I would look engaged!  He later got me a ring from a jeweler.  I did not demand this out of him at all, nor did I even question the commitment in a vacuum.  All of this was his initiative, and I asked questions.  The relationship wasn't just him.  It was us.  I think we acted our part in this story, as God intended.  Someone else's story would be very different, because no one else is us.  

     Dr. James Dobson had written a book years ago entitled Life on the Edge.   I wish I still had a copy of this book and could quote him directly, but he gave some advice that I think was wise, and kind of went along with what Elisabeth Elliot says, only not so extreme.  He talked about, if you are rejected in a relationship (dating, friendship, whatever) the natural inclination is to move forward toward that person, and to keep trying to pursue that relationship.  However, Dr. Dobson advocated for pulling away.  That is showing yourself respect, and also possibly giving the other person a chance to realize that you are gone, and possibly miss you and want you back.  Even if they do not want you back, you are showing yourself respect by doing this.  I have applied this principle to my life several times, and I think I spared myself some heartache from men who weren't intended to be my husband.  I can understand this.  I just don't believe in 100% passivity.  Relationships between two uniquely-designed humans are too dynamic to put in a box, saying that women have to do XYZ in order to be godly or proper.  

     My problem with books like Passion and Purity and Boy Meets Girl are that they are man-made formula based on relationships of fallible human beings.  What worked for one person might not work for someone else (no man who liked me was ever anything like Jim Elliot, so I was never pursued in the manner in which Elisabeth Elliot was!  And I'm not sure I'd want to be!).  Joshua Harris' marriage eventually ended in divorce, so what does that prove?  There is no one right way to do relationships.  We have the Holy Spirit, and some biblical guiding principles.  The message of the Bible is that God wants us to walk with Him, and He will direct us.  

     Psalm 32:8 says, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with my loving eye on you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  I remember one particular day during my single years, I was very frustrated.  I was getting so much advice, and I knew in my heart that God wasn't behind that advice.  I felt like I must have it all wrong.  Were all these purity books right after all?  Was I supposed to be doing something vastly different?  Just then, in the midst of all of that frustration, I was hit with Micah 6:8, He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?  Instead of stressing, or feeling ashamed, God wanted me to do what was good--be just and merciful with others, and walk humbly with God.  That was it.  He would do the rest.  This goes along with my husband's life verrse, Matthew 6:33, which says to Seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.  That gave me so much freedom.  God is much more gracious than fellow humans are.  

     I would challenge everyone to surrender to the Lordship of Christ, and let Him direct and guide you.  Not only does this apply to our salvation, the most important thing, but to every other area in our lives as well. As Romans 8:32 says, He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?