Dying to Self

      What could I say or do?  What can I ever say or do?  I think the problem might be me.  Something wrong and dark inside my soul that I didn't know was there.  But what's really wrong with me?  All I try to do every day is die to self for the sake of God and others.  But it doesn't change anything.  -Taken from my journal, summer of 2000 while on a mission trip to Africa.

Children we taught in a Bible Club in Luanshya, Zambia, summer of 2000

     The above is taken from my journal from the hardest summer of my life.  I have alluded to this summer many times, in many posts.  What made it so difficult was that I expected it to be the best summer I ever had, and it turned out to be the opposite of what I hoped and dreamed.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick... Proverbs 13:12.  

     The mission trip had started at mission headquarters in the Midwest.  There had been twenty-nine of us young adults, going to eleven different nations.  I had expected to make the best friends of my life at training.  I figured we'd all be likeminded, wanting to serve the Lord.  I was considering going into career missions, and knew that it would be wonderful fellowship with other people my age who were making the same decisions about life.  Unfortunately, training ended up being the first disappointment of the summer.  I experienced some sexual harassment from a young man there (going to a different country than me).  I had initially been interested, but he came on way too strong in several ways, culminating in an embarrassing advance the last night before we flew out to our countries.  That left me in so much confusion.  After I rejected his advances that night, he acted extremely hurt and ashamed, and wouldn't even look at me after that, which was hard, because if he hadn't been so extreme, I would have been very interested in a relationship.  I was very shaken up by this.  Other students acted like it was all my fault, that this guy was just nice and sweet, and I had misread him.  It made me question and doubt myself, and feel crazy.  It seemed like this guy and those around us thought my only purpose was to bring him pleasure, as if I had no needs or worth of my own apart from that.  That made me feel sick to my stomach.  

Our team doing a Bible Club in the United States during training prior to leaving for Zambia. I covered my teammates faces.  I am in the middle, with the curly auburn hair, which I had cut short for the trip.

     But then, my team left for Zambia. 

     There were four of us on the Zambia team.  Rachel* and Mary* (names changed) were sweet, and really were there to serve the Lord.  Kelsie* was another story.  A few months before the trip, we had gotten each other's contact info, and I had written to each of them.  I had really hit it off with Rachel and Mary, but Kelsie's letters had been a little harder to relate to.  One of the things she shared in a letter was that her favorite hobby was pulling pranks on people.  I was not yet ready to accept that I would be spending my summer with someone who had no boundaries, and to whom nothing was sacred, so I told myself that surely, when she said she liked to pull pranks, she was talking about whoopee cushions and joy buzzers, and silly things like that.  In the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn't be that innocuous, but I just wasn't open to seeing the possibilities of what Kelsie could be.  

     Not only did Kelsie make the situation with the inappropriate young man much worse by spreading rumors and obnoxious teasing, but she crossed any conceivable boundary that could have existed between us.  She nagged incessantly, and destroyed a pair of my shoes.  She disagreed with every statement I made, and self-righteously preached at me.  Disagreeing with her in any way was costly.  The price of doing something the way I wanted (as opposed to the way she ordered me to do it), setting down a boundary, or asking her to stop doing something rude to me was humiliation, and a lot of trouble.  When she didn't like the Bible verses I used in my teaching, she would move the bookmarks in my Bible.  

     One time, while in Africa, she didn't like the way I was peeling potatoes, and she started ordering me to do it some other way that she felt it should be done.  I told her that if it was important to her, maybe she should do it.  She told me, and I quote, "No!  I want you to do it, but I want you do it the way I say!"  No subtlety.  I was annoyed, and I stood up to meet her gaze.  "Look," I said, but before I could say another word, she screamed at the top of her lungs and ran out of the room.  I was furious and just left.  In my rage, I ran around the small Zambian town all afternoon, blowing off steam (and getting quite a workout).  In the craziness of my emotions, I had completely irrational thoughts of running home to America!  In a slightly calmer moment, I remembered that then-President Clinton was in Zambia, meeting with the Zambian President Frederick Chiluba.  Maybe he could take me home on Air Force 1!  As I say, I was only slightly calmer when I thought that.  The end of that story was, I finally returned to our host house, and found out that Kelsie was claiming to be scared I was going to physically assault her with the butter knife I was using the peel the potato.  Ri-i-i-i-ight!  

The house we stayed in while serving in Zambia.  This was a duplex, and we stayed in one half with our host family.  Another missionary family stayed in the other side.

     All summer was filled with Kelsie sabotaging and attacking every word I said.  I couldn't engage in pleasant conversation with others, because she would find something to pounce on, in even the most basic statements.  It got to the point that I never spoke when I wasn't doing the ministry.  I was silent while we were all together in the evening.  Sometimes I would pretend to be asleep in our room so she would have to leave me alone.  It was my only escape.

     She once made a false statement about my home state.  I simply told her that her statement was incorrect.  She started screaming bloody murder again, and our host family came running.  As soon as they were there, she burst into tears and exclaimed how I was accusing her of lying.  She played the part of a hurt and misunderstood little girl, and our hosts totally bought it.  They hugged her and told her she needed to forgive me) and I can tell you I never wanted to commit murder more in my life than I did at that moment).  

An AWANA club we taught while there.  These children were precious, and made all the hardships that summer worth it.

     So, getting back to the journal entry I started with, what had just happened before I wrote it?  We were walking through town to our Bible Club.  We passed a beautiful stone building that looked like a church.  I asked our interpreter about it, and she told me it belonged to a group that mixed Christianity with animistic beliefs.  I said, "It's too bad that beautiful church isn't being used for the truth," or something along those lines.  Kelsie couldn't let that go, and went into a rebuking sermon about how those people probably loved Jesus and I was just passing judgment on them, blah, blah, blah.  It wasn't worth it to say anything.  But no one stopped her tirades against me, which was why I had to give up speaking.  

    I once heard a psychologist say that every human being has a certain number of words they need to say every day, and if they don't get the right amount of words said, they feel that sense of needing to get it out, and if they are required to speak more than their allotted number, they become drained.  I've experienced both extremes in my life, but that summer, I definitely struggled with not being able to talk enough.  I took to journaling all the time, and Kelsie couldn't leave that alone either.  She would follow me and say that I was addicted to writing, and ask me, "Are you at your writer's anonymous meeting?" 

Monkeys who stole our lunch!

Victoria Falls (on the Zambia and Zimbabwe border)

The bridge connecting Zambia (at the left) to Zimbabwe (right)

     One particular day, while we were walking in another nearby city, two men ran out to us and grabbed me.  They publicly molested me right there in broad daylight, feeling my body, putting their hands where they didn't belong.  I screamed and kicked, trying to get them off of me.  Kelsie just laughed and took pictures.  If I ever run for President or something, those pictures will probably come out of the woodwork and appear in some tabloid somewhere.  Our host came up and started shouting at them in Bemba, and they dropped me and ran.  I was physically shaking, and Kelsie asserted,  "They went for Janelle because she has the most fear!"  That was another moment when murder didn't seem far-fetched to me.  I was given no time to cope with this.  I was physically shaking and terrified, as well as humiliated.  While I hadn't been raped, I am sure that was their intent, and the beginnings of that had happened.  I had been violated.  And Kelsie thought it was funny.  In case I didn't emphasize this, she was a really terrible person.  I was expected to just go on as if nothing unusual had happened.  I had to teach a Bible Club minutes after being accosted (possibly almost kidnapped and raped) on the street.  

     The times I really stood my ground with Kelsie and tried to get my power back, she made such terrible fusses that everyone blamed me for making her mad.  Her sin was my fault.  

     So what did I do about this?  From my journal entry, it is clear that I felt I couldn't do much,  I felt like a prisoner of war, and that is almost accurate.  I was stuck in a third-world country with no means of communication with those who loved me other than airmail (which took three weeks).  Our time commitment in Zambia was six long weeks, and when that time was just starting, I really felt trapped, as if the weeks just stretched on into forever.  Like many POW's in movies, I made a tally mark every day, because doing it made me feel like I was getting closer to being home.   During that time, I had an unusual ability I no longer have.  I was able to separate my mind from the horrors of the moment, and instead turn on happy memories from my life and relive them as if they were really happening, or playing favorite movies in my mind as if I were really watching them.  It seemed so real.  I "watched" The Sound of Music a lot that summer.  It showed me that these things made their way into my memory, because I really don't believe I could quote a whole movie, but it was all stored away when I needed it.

     In all of this, I also felt like I had to die to self.  If I did all the right things, this problem would stop happening to me.  If I was so sanctified in the Lord, I wouldn't feel the pain.  I would just let her abuse me without feeling it anymore.  Jesus suffered the abuse of those who crucified Him.  If I was called to follow Him, I should be just like Him.  Meek and loving in the face of evil.  But since I didn't feel loving toward Kelsie, it proved I needed to die to self more, right?  WRONG!

     So many things we say and believe are inaccurately applied.  Pastor and author Andrew Farley explains what this teaching really means.  The phrase "die to self" is nonexistent in any New Testament letter...You're not going to find that expression in Matthew, Mark or Luke or John, or any of the epistles or in the entirety of the Bible in fact.  The phrase "die to self" is nonexistent.  The closest thing to that is that your old self died, and we find that in Romans 6.  Your old self died and was buried, and your new self was raised in newness of life through the co-crucifiction, co-burial and co-resurrection with Christ that you experienced at salvation.  That's why the prhase "die to self" isn't going to be found in any New Testament letter.  Paul isn't going to tell you to kill yourself spiritually because he knows you're the new self and he doesn't want you to kill the new self.  And Peter, James and John are not going to say it either, because they know you are a new creation and you don't need to kill yourself if you're the new self.  

     According to this teaching, I didn't need to die to self more while I was on that trip.  I didn't need to let that new creation person that I was (am) become less that what I was meant to be.  It wasn't God's plan for me to stop feeling the sting of pain from what was happening.  It wasn't God's will for Kelsie to sin so colossally against not only me but our whole team.  Letting her sin wasn't fulfilling any spiritual calling.  

     But wait, didn't Jesus say to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him in Matthew 16:24? Yes He did, but denying oneself isn't the same as dying to self.  Even so, Andrew Farley addresses that as well.  He makes the argument that denial of self also happened at our salvation.  Christ's righteous keeping of the law was placed on us, and our sin was put on the cross of Christ.  Positionally, we are perfect in Him, and don't need to "die" to self.  We are to thrive as the person He crated us to be.  Farley says that Jesus' words in Matthew 16:24 about denying oneself are evangelistic to unbelievers, not a command to Christians. Farley says, Don't deny yourself.  Be yourself.  God says you're a new creation. You've died with Jesus.  You're spiritually awesome!  You're the new self!  Don't deny that!  He goes on to say that you are not your own opponent.  The battle is against the unrenewed mindsets and old perspectives, but as Christians, we are not those things.  He references Galatians 2:20, I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.  In other words, don't be down on yourself.  Jesus has saved you!  You have died to sin and are alive to Christ!  Farley points out that the unsaved people out in the world primarily see themselves as good people, and they are wrong.  But he adds that Christians often see themselves as so bad, and they are also wrong.  The battle has already been won, and the victory is ours! (I'll leave the link Andrew Farley's blog below).

     What an encouragement.  I wish so badly I had known that during my summer in Zambia.  I wish I hadn't been so down on myself for other people's sin (though I had a lot of help being down on myself, since everyone else blamed me too).  Being that much more like Jesus wouldn't have made Kelsie turn into a better person toward me.  She needed to be renewed.  She needed to be claiming that new self she purported to be, and fighting in her battle against unrenewed mindsets and old perspectives.  The same is true with the young man who had harassed me back at training.  He needed to demonstrate that new self he claimed to be.  I didn't cause either of them to sin.  I was there to serve the Lord, and I did!  I was able to lead many children to Christ that summer.  Likewise my alleged fear (as Kelsie claimed) wasn't what made those two men molest me on the streets.  It was their sin.  They likely were not the new self at all, so they have a much bigger problem.  I didn't cause any of this.  I didn't need to die more.  I needed to live!  

     I will also make a point about Jesus' surrendering Himself to death.  He didn't just allow sin and abuse.  Quite often in his earthly ministry, He spoke boldly against that.  In the crucifiction, He laid down His life for us.  That was His goal and objective, and He was completely successful.  He forgave his killers, but He didn't invest in them or try to become their friends after His resurrection.  We are never taught in scripture to become good friends with our enemies.  We are told to love them (Luke 6:27), and leave revenge up to God (Romans 12:19), but never to throw out our human dignity trying to befriend them.  Allowing people to sin unchecked isn't being loving.  Avoiding confrontations in order to keep from offending the offender is not godly or spiritual.  If Kelsie couldn't handle being asked to stop overstepping bounds, she wasn't mature enough to be on a mission trip of that caliber.  She didn't care about people.  She cared about being in control.  Our host family were not discerning enough to know the truth of what was going on.  My other teammates were too uncomfortable to help me stand up to her, though Mary did try to help, and I know God will reward her for it.  

     God works all things for good, and I know I grew immensely in the Lord that summer, because He was literally all I had.  I also did some of my best writing during that time, and most of my fiction came from what was developed there.  

     This well-intentioned but false teaching of dying to self has many "cousin" teachings, such as the idea of giving preference to others.  This teaching is found in Romans 12:10 (the New King James uses the words ...giving preference to one another.).  I have seen this one used to allow abusive people to continue in their sin, but that is not what this verse is teaching.  Paul is writing to Christian people, and urging all of them to unselfishly think of others.  If everyone does that, it will be great!  If one person does it, but someone else is abusive, but then uses that verse to manipulate their victim to keep allowing it, that is way beyond anything scripture teaches.  Another teaching is to examine yourself.  Yes, we should examine ourselves, but every time a person wrongs us, it doesn't mean we someone did wrong and need to repent.  We should always be open to the Holy Spirit's conviction.  David wrote in Psalm 139:23-24, Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  This reveals an openness to God's speaking to us about ourselves.  But again, everyone should do it, not just the victim of someone else's abuse.  The abuser should be doing the same, and accepting the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  Always having to be right and never admitting to being wrong is a sign of real weakness, not strength.  Telling someone to examine himself or herself is often used as a smokescreen to get attention away from the real wrongdoer.  I find joy and solace when the Holy Spirit really does speak to me, gently prodding me to make something right, because it means He is at work in me.  That is a great comfort.  

     If you are a Christian, don't die!  Live!  Live in the victory Christ won for you!  It's yours today!  

     

Andrew Farley's blog: https://andrewfarley.org/highlights/must-you-die-to-self-every-day/?utm_campaign=2306&utm_medium=email&utm_source=mailchimp&utm_content=radiohighlight

Shiny Happy People

      I can't say I have ever been part of a cult, or a seriously high-control group, but even good groups can get a bad leader.  I think high control situations are fascinating, because we can all relate to them in different ways.  Maybe you were part of a real cult.  Or maybe you were part of a group of friends on the playground, with one stronger personality calling all the shots.  Or maybe you were in something between these two extremes.  But I think we all relate to the elements of high-control groups.  Thinking for oneself is so vital, because even intelligent people can be swayed and taken in.  

     I have watched the new docuseries on Amazon Prime, Shiny Happy People.  This four-part story covers the organization known as the Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP), founded by now-disgraced leader Bill Gothard.  I have mentioned this organization before.  I have never been a part of it, thankfully.  And yet some aspects of control they exert would seem familiar to anyone who has been in a manipulative, controlling situation.  

     This docuseries appears to be about the famous (now infamous) Duggar family, but is really about the organization that influenced them, and their rise to fame.  One person in the docuseries referred to the Duggar's TV show as PR for Bill Gothard's agenda.  The Duggars made it onto a popular reality show in the late 2000's and early 2010's by being a mega family with homespun wit and attractive quirkiness.  But this documentary alleges (and history has demonstrated) that something more sinister was beneath the smiles, and this involves all of the IBLP, not just the Duggar family.  The Duggar's daughter, Jill Duggar Dillard and her husband Derek are major players in this docuserires.  They share a lot.  At the opening of the first episode, seated on a couch beside her supportive husband, Jill says, "There's a story that's going to be told, and I'd rather be the one telling it."   I feel that sharing one's story is a key element in this.

Derek and Jill Dillard

     "The IBLP teachings are not Christianity.  They're something entirely different," Former IBLP follower Brooke Arnold shares.  She and several former IBLP adherents are interviewed, and their stories are shared.  One of the quotes I found interesting was: "Gothard turned every father into a cult leader, and every home into an island."  Another was, "The Institute raises little predators."  These former followers are in different stages and walks of life now.  They are determining what they actually believe now, and where they stand.  

     I didn't watch 17 Kids and Counting while it was originally on (or any of its name versions, as more children were added to the family), but I was aware of the impact this program had over the way Christianity was perceived.  The Duggars were defining what it meant to be Christian, Conservative, Baptist, and home-schooled on their terms (interestingly, I am all of these things myself--Christian, Conservative, Baptist, and I was home-schooled), and my life and convictions are very different than theirs on several counts.  

     The hard thing for me was when I would hear people disagree with them over the years, but say things like, "Those idiots!  This family actually believes Jesus died on the cross!  What morons!"  Well, that makes me a moron too (I say that facetiously, because I obviously don't think believing in Jesus is moronic).  Nobody said anything like that about them on the docuseries.  That was why I appreciated Brooke Arnold's comment that the IBLP teachings are not Christianity.  It's about time that was stated publicly.  I would definitely agree with the Duggars on the fundamentals of the faith, but beyond that, I have some real differences.  But because they showed their brand of Christianity (which, sadly, is more about lifestyle than Jesus), people equated Christ with their unusual convictions.  Even on this docuseries, when trying to make some points about how conspiracy-theory-oriented they were, it showed them espousing belief in Creationism, which is one of those things I agree with them on (see my January 5, 2023 post It couldn't Just Happen in which I give a lot of scientific reasons to believe in Creationism).  I hate when weirdos give the rest of us who take the Bible literally a bad name.  Side note, in my early 20's, a Christian man in my hometown proposed marriage to me, but I turned him down, as he believed in Darwinian Evolution, and believed it was compatible with the Bible.  That was a non-negotiable to me.  

     I was aware of the Duggar's influence, but I became a lot more familiar with them in 2015, when their oldest son Josh was exposed for some of his past misdeeds.

     By way of brief explanation, the IBLP was founded by Bill Gothard in 1961.  He did what was called the Basic Seminar, which introduced people to the principles he advocated.  The organization included more conferences and seminars, and grew to include a home-schooling program called the Advanced Training Institute (or ATI for short).  Gothard exerted a lot of control over the lives of his followers, telling them how they were allowed to dress, behave, and pattern their lives.  The teachings on authority were controversial at best, evil at worst.  The IBLP has been described by some as a cult.  ATI no longer exists as a home-school program, but their books are being sold just as a regular study for anyone who wants them.

     Through the four episodes of Shiny Happy People, the viewer is introduced to the world of IBLP, and the perversion it represented to a lot of people.  Bill Gothard taught his followers that if they followed his principles, God would bless them, which is a form of the prosperity gospel.  The ATI homeschool curriculum really didn't teach much at all, though Bill Gothard claimed it was equivalent to a pre-law or pre-med degree.  He taught his people to follow him so much that no one said anything when he broke his own rules, and molested young women.  It was clear he had a "type" he found particularly attractive, and he gave these young women special privileges working with him at headquarters.  He felt long curly hair was the best, and one of the former followers shared that Bill Gothard once pulled her aside and told her that her hair wasn't Christlike enough.  Can you even imagine?  Women were supposed to submit to men, and very strong gender roles were enforced.  I knew all of this about the IBLP, but what I didn't realize was the reason for this.     

     I discovered from this documentary that the goal of Bill Gothard and the IBLP is ultimately world domination.  That sounds so bizarre.  Gothard and his people subscribe to a belief known as dominionism.  This is the view that Christians can conquer the world through having many children and raising these children to be a big influence in society (strong emphasis in running for public office).  They use Psalm 127:5 as a so-called proof text for having large families for this purpose: Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.  Like much of the other teachings I've heard from Bill Gothard (I have limited experience), he took an obscure verse way out of context to create a whole teaching that doesn't line up with the rest of scripture.  Anyone who reads the Bible with an open heart to learn will see that creation fell in Genesis 3, and will only be made right again when Jesus returns to restore all things (Revelation 21).  Trying to take over the world for God now is futility.  This is not to say Christians shouldn't run for office or have an influence in the world.  I believe we should.  Jesus said we are the salt of the earth and light of the world (Matthew 5:13-14).  Our presence (and the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit in believers) probably keeps things from being much worse.  We are to do as God calls us each to do, to play our part on the stage of history.  We just shouldn't expect to usher in a prefect world.  Only Jesus can do that, and He will one day (without our help).  Until then, our goal should be to serve others, with the hopes of bringing them to Jesus Christ (not to promote an agenda, but so they might be saved, out of love for them).  

     As far as IBLP goes, my experiences have mostly been second-hand.  My parents attended Bill Gothard's Basic Seminar when he was presenting in Los Angeles (our home area).  I wasn't born yet.  I'm told that my parents found some things they agreed with and other things they didn't.  They just chalked it up to something interesting they attended, and moved on with their lives.  I didn't grow up under the influence of Bill Gothard.  In fact, I didn't even know his name until I was in my later teens.  I was raised to take things in with both eyes open.  I was encouraged to think for myself, and that it was okay to like what someone had to say, but still disagree with aspects of it.  In other words, I wasn't raised to follow leaders at all cost, the way Bill Gothard's followers did. 

     When I was a teenager, some of our very good friends got into the IBLP.  They became very strict compared to the rest of us.  They stopped believing in Sunday school, because, as they put it, they considered it harmful for children to be separated from their parents at church.  That seemed very odd to me, because at one time, the parents of this family had been my Sunday school teachers and AWANA leaders.  They got into what they called "biblical courtship," which confused me, because as far as I knew, the Bible didn't address courtship.  There were some romance stories in the Bible, such as Isaac and Rebekah, or Ruth and Boaz, but as I understood it (and still understand it), these stories didn't teach a step-by-step method on how God wants us to have our relationships develop, but instead, taught us to trust in God, and follow His leading for us (which might look different than His leading for someone else).  This family experienced a lot of heartache as a result of going this direction.

     When I was in my mid-20's, I was mentoring a younger woman who wanted to go into the ministry organization I served in.  I encouraged her to go to the training for our organization, which she did.  But she needed a place to land after training--a place to start out her ministry and do an internship.  I made some calls, and discovered there was an opening for her in another state (I'm going to be vague on the details to protect everyone's privacy).  We coordinated that she would serve for a year and a half in this other state, and then see where God led from there.  She would work directly under a young man not much older than herself (younger than me at the time, in fact).  While talking with him in helping set up this internship, I heard more about the IBLP and things associated with it.  This young man was part of the IBLP while simultaneously being part of our organization (which has nothing to do with IBLP whatsoever!).  At that time, I wasn't even sure this was the same thing my old friends had gotten mixed up in.  During this young woman's time interning under this IBLP-associated young leader, she would call me in tears at times.  She always tried to be humble and modest in her clothing (which basically means she dressed tastefully for the situation).  But according to her mentor, she was "defrauding" him.  She was shocked by this accusation.  She knew the word defraud meant to deceive, and she had no idea how she was deceiving him.  We would later learn that in IBLP, defraud means something very different than it does to most English-speakers.  In IBLP's definition, it means to arouse desires that couldn't be righteously fulfilled.  That horrified my young friend that this guy was basically telling her he was lusting after her, and it was apparently her fault.  She was made to wear clothes several sizes too big so her female shape was completely hidden.  She was not allowed to wear pants, because, according to what she was told, the space between a woman's legs when she wore pants was the shape of an arrow pointing up her crotch.  Eeew!  Yuck!  Whoever even thought of that had to be a real sicko!  If that is true, it's true for men as well as women, so maybe men should wear dresses too (I say that facetiously).  

     When I was twenty-six, I was invited to a small group that would be watching the videos of Bill Gothard's Basic Seminar.  I figured, "Why not?"  Like my parents before me, I found a few practical nuggets, but disagreed with a lot.  The session that had our group the most upset was the one about music.  Bill Gothard made a lot of assertions about music awakening the flesh, and being demonic, etc.  Several in our group were very offended by this, because they liked Christian rock, and felt Bill Gothard was being very extreme.  I didn't mind that aspect quite as much, although I didn't think he was right.  It just didn't hit a nerve with me.  I can take or leave rock music.  But what upset me much more was that he made assertions that single women had to live with their parents until they got married.  I was twenty-six, still single, a college-graduate, a working professional, and a homeowner.  He had no biblical reasoning behind saying this, other than a flimsy excuse I've shared on here before: If Rachel and Leah had gotten an apartment somewhere, they would never have met Jacob.  That is very poor hermeneutics.  The Bible doesn't teach what he was trying to make it say.  This is just like this teaching about having as many children as possible for world domination.  But these examples are it for me as far as my experience with the IBLP.  Bill Gothard looks for weird, obscure teachings, rather than focusing on what the entirety of scripture says.  

     Gothard's sexual problems trickled down into his organization.  There were many, many stories of spousal and child abuse in IBLP families.  Their whole system was set up so victims would be submissive to the point that they would never complain about abuse.  Several teachings silenced victims.  One of them was that, if a woman was attacked and she didn't scream out while the abuse was happening, she was just as guilty as her attacker, and it was her own fault it happened.  This kept Gothard above accountability, since none of his victims screamed out when he came onto them.  They were shocked and afraid, and they respected him too much to scream in the moment.  Having this rule in place would make it their fault if they ever reported him later.

     As for Josh Duggar and his sickening crimes (not only had he molested his sisters and cheated on his wife, but he was more recently found guilty of possessing child porn, and is in a federal prison), he was really not much different from Bill Gothard.  Some of the Duggars' former friends, the Holt family, were on the documentary, and they shared how their daughter had originally been Josh's first choice in a wife.  They had been courting as teenagers, but after he molested his sisters, the Duggars told the Holts about it because they viewed it as Josh "cheating" on his future wife.  When pressed by Jim Holt, Jim-Bob Duggar admitted that they had used the Holts' daughter "as a carrot" to correct his son's behavior, as he was going to have him come forward with his behavior after they were married.  I find that sickening.  The Duggars wouldn't allow the Holts to use the word "molest" in reference to what Josh had done.  

Bill Gothard

     In this whole organization, so many people were afraid to speak up for a long time.  Now, there is a website for those wounded by Bill Gothard or the IBLP to share.  It's called Recovering Grace.  Likewise, Jill Duggar Dillard was afraid to share her story, because of the pressure from her family.  After her brother's abuse came out, she was required by her parents (even though she was a married woman by then) to go on TV and defend Josh in an interview with Megyn Kelly.  She deeply regrets this now, and even talking about it was a real struggle for her.  She and Derek shared about how they never received money from their time being on the show, and how her parents manipulated them and cheated them (even when they were relying on a food bank for survival).  When they finally took a stand, they became at odds with the family.  They have grown a lot, and they are coming out with a memoir next year, entitled Counting the Cost.  I really look forward to reading it and sharing their story.  

     Evil must be exposed.  False doctrine must be exposed.  People must speak up and share their story.  I have never been part of a crazy group like the IBLP.  I had a very "normal" childhood (everyone probably thinks that about how they were brought up).  I lived in a suburban neighborhood where we rode our bikes with neighbor friends in the afternoons and on Saturdays.  We had a big playground in our backyard, and all the kids liked to come to our house.  My mom taught a weekly Bible Club in our garage, and all the kids came for that.  I babysat younger kids in town as I got older.  We were home-schooled, but not like the IBLP.  My mother was a credentialed public school teacher.  While teaching in the 70's, she felt that the public school system was very one-sided in the worldview it was promoting.  See, it's easy to say that IBLP brainwashes its people, and yet any group with a specific worldview could do that.  My mom didn't want us to be brainwashed.  She wanted us to think for ourselves.  We used a curriculum many Christian schools use, but there were times we didn't agree with everything in it.  We were taught how to think, rather than what to think.  We grew up watching the regular TV shows most of our friends watched, but we sometimes discussed a show afterwards, if it led to a deeper conversation.  I had a boyfriend in the youth group in junior high (which I now consider silly and stupid, but it was part of growing up).  When I graduated from high school, I went to community college, and then chose to go to Bible college and get my BA in biblical studies.  I entered the workforce at 17.  In all of this, I felt like I had a "normal" life.  

     In spite of this "normal" life, I experienced some spiritual abuse at church as a young teenager.  A few years later as a young adult, I was molested on a mission trip.  In both of these instances, I was pressured into silence, and I didn't talk about either of these things for years and years, until I almost exploded one day.  I now share my story.  Unlike the people in this docuserires, I don't usually name these people.  Even so, I have had people become angry and tell me I have no right to talk about it without the other person there to defend themselves.  This is ridiculous.  When Corrie ten Boom wrote The Hiding Place, she didn't round up all the Nazis who had tortured her and let them share their side.  It is never my goal to hurt anyone.  It is my goal to speak the truth.  The truth sets us free (John 8:32).  I can relate to those who were hurt by the IBLP, in the sense that it takes a lot of processing before you can really share aloud.  It's easy to say, "Am I crazy here?" even when something is happening.  This is even more the case when other people in the situation are defending the one who is causing the harm.  Sometimes, the person who harms can also be someone who did something very beneficial for others, and the contradiction makes you feel crazy, or even guilty.  

     Don't be afraid to share your story.  Jesus is the Truth (John 14:6) and He offers you relief.  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30.  The truth might crack a facade of what was once considered a godly work, but it can never bring down the Gospel, or the truth of Jesus.  If something can be brought down by truth, it deserves to be brought down.  If anything can be gleaned from this docuseries, that is what I considered the takeaway.  Don't just be "shiny, happy people," hiding abuse and mistreatment.  Speak the truth.  Share your story.  Let Jesus carry you!

Hearts on Fire and Beauty from Ashes

     This is a follow-up on my last post (Princess Cut, May 24, 2023).  I strongly suggest reading it first.  I actually plan to write a more in-depth post on spiritual abuse coming up very soon, so if that interests you more, you can just wait for that, but if you are interested in my follow-up to the courtship movie Princess Cut, please read on (you can still read my upcoming post on spiritual abuse if you read this!). 

     I decided to finish the series and watch the whole Princess Cut trilogy, and felt I needed to interact with them as well.  

    The second movie, Princess Cut 2, Hearts on Fire, was a very pleasant surprise.  If you read my last post, you read a critique.  This one was much more enjoyable to me, and I only really have a few small criticisms.  Part of it was that this movie wasn't about courtship (a controversial topic!).  The characters in this movie had better chemistry.  Like the first one, the score and cinematography were beautiful.  

     This movie opens with Grace (from the first movie), now a wife to Clint Masters, and working as a nurse in his free clinic (which is having financial troubles).  We are reintroduced to Grace's brother Robert (the older of her two younger brothers), who is now married to a woman named Lauren.  This story centers more on Robert and Lauren.  Lauren is expecting their first child.  Robert is very committed to working on the family farm.  Lauren owns a successful store in town, and wants to expand.  We sadly learn that Grace and Robert's father passed away two years before this story starts, and it is implied that he died from working too hard on the farm.  We don't know how much time has passed from the first movie, but Grace and Clint have a daughter named Paige, who appears to be at least five or six.  The farm isn't doing too well.  It is in terrible debt, and Robert has postponed his completion of college to help.  Grace and Roberts youngest brother, Drew, is in college now, and he reveals that he changed his major from Agriculture to English lit, and that he has no plans to return to farm life.  This can be a real blow to the farm.  Lauren is frustrated by the family's strong ties to the farm, and her mother-in-law's stubborn insistence it never be sold or let go.  

     Tessa (Grace's kind of mean friend from the first movie) calls and invites her and Lauren over.  They learn that she is living with her wealthy boyfriend Devon in a very well-to-do lifestyle.  She has just moved in with him.  Grace decides to make her a "house warming" gift, a plaque with a Bible verse on it.  She keeps it at the clinic until she has the chance to give it to her friend.

     Then, tragedy strikes.  A tornado hits.  Grace and her daughter Paige are at the clinic when this happens, and grace gets trapped under some rubble.  She urges Paige to run home to safety, which she does.  The rest of the family has all gone to the cellar on the farm, and are safely underground.  Paige makes it to them, and they wait out the storm.  

     A montage (which I had to watch a couple of times, because it was confusing) reveals that Grace was killed in the tornado.  That kind of shocked me.  I wasn't expecting that.  Grace was the only casualty in the town.  Eventually, in their grief, Clint and Paige head to Colorado for a while and are not seen again until the end. 

     Tessa is devastated by her friends' death.  There is a touching scene where she and Catherine (Grace's mother) embrace and cry together.  Tessa also discovers she is pregnant.

     Catherine goes to search through the rubble at the clinic, and finds the plaque Grace had made for Tessa.  Not knowing it was for Tessa, but recognizing it as Grace's work, she takes it as a gift from God to her.  Lauren sees it, and gently tells her it was intended for Tessa.  Catherine grudgingly allows Lauren to take it to her, and you see the beginning's of tension between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.  We also learn the farm is destroyed, and Catherine moves in with Robert and Lauren.

     Tessa tells Devon she is pregnant, and he becomes very upset, so she quickly tells him she was kidding, and just wanted to see his reaction.  However, she does reveal her pregnancy to him shortly after, and he gives her a choice--the baby or him.  

     Lauren brings the plaque to Tessa.  Tessa, having just lost her friend and now facing the choice between her baby and Devon, is angry and hostile at first, but eventually breaks down, and she and Lauren hug.  Lauren discovers Tessa's pregnancy, and, being pregnant herself, they have a bond over being pregnant together.

     We see Catherine becoming more and more unsettled, and taking over more and more of Robert and Lauren's home.  

     Lauren's store is a success, and she wants to expand with a second location.  Robert is hesitant, but says yes, and Lauren hires Tessa to help her.  Their friendship starts to really take off.

     Lauren collapses at one point, and is taken to the hospital, but she and the baby are said to be fine, and that she probably just and a blood pressure spike.  She and Robert see their baby on ultrasound.  

     There is another montage, this one just showing happiness for everyone.  Things are on an upward swing.  

     After this happy montage, Catherine is seen breaking down, really not coping well with having lost her home and daughter.  She is determined that they rebuild their farm and keep it going.  Robert determines to fulfill his mother's wishes.  Lauren is frustrated by this.  Tessa encourages Lauren to find out what the farm is actually worth, which she does.  She discovers it might be worth millions, which, if they sold it, could relieve a lot of the family's hardships.  

     Tessa goes home to discover another woman in the house.  Her name is Marisa ("with one S").  It is determined she is Devon's new girlfriend.  Tessa angrily leaves, not sure where to go or what to do.  

     While Lauren is home with Robert and Catherine, the land developer she had talked to about the farm's worth stops by with additional info,  This upsets Catherine, and a family argument ensues.  Lauren collapses again, and this time miscarries their baby. This is shown with a short montage, though, so again, it was hard to figure out what was happening.  In the aftermath of this, Lauren has a mental breakdown and orders Catherine out of her home, and screams at her husband she can't take it anymore, and begins packing a suitcase, but she collapses in his arms, and he comforts her.  Lauren apologize to Catherine for how she spoke to her, and Catherine demonstrates great compassion and understanding.  The two women are able to grieve together the losses of their children.  It is a very touching scene that had me in tears.

     As Lauren heals, she tries to connect with Tessa, but discovers she has left Devon.  Tessa eventually finds Lauren at the store, and she expresses how selfish she feels being hurt by Devon when Lauren had a much worse pain of miscarriage.  Lauren says a line I love, "We're not graded on our pain."  The two maintain their friendship.

     Robert still says he is giving up on college, but urges Lauren to pursue that second store location.  He gives a very sweet speech that basically tells Lauren, "Whether I'm in my dream job or not, whether we have ten children or none, God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams, because I have you."  They determine to follow after the Lord together.  

     They invite Tessa to stay with them, which she accepts.  

     The movie ends with yet another montage of Lauren writing a letter (that had me in tears) to her baby in Heaven.  We are shown that Clint and Paige return, and a new clinic opens, named after Grace.  We are shown that Tessa had her baby.  

     This was a powerful film with real, deep emotion (whereas in the first movie, the emotions felt forced).  This movie showed raw pain, and the characters holding onto their faith, whereas the first one was more didactic.  As a sequel, it may be one of the best I've ever seen (aside from the Back to the Future sequels, of course!).  My only complaint is all the montages to get the harder points across, because it made it unclear what was happening.  It could have explained better.  

     Princess Cut 3, Beauty from Ashes focuses more on Tessa.  The movie opens with Tessa working as a waitress.  She is very stressed, having her boss on her case, and getting customer's orders wrong.  Her boss has a talk with her that her single-mom schedule is affecting her work, and she needs to do better.  We learn that she now has an apartment for herself and her baby boy Ian.  She goes home to her son and the babysitter, and they witness a neighbor beating his girlfriend.  Tessa reports it to the police.  At first, she is hesitant to make a statement, but she does.  The man is tried, but is let off.  Tessa is afraid she is in danger.  In the process, she gets to know the police officer involved, Mike Coleman.  He ends up asking her out, and they start spending time together.  He also helps her get a graphic design job that helps her financially.  He shares with Tessa that he arrested the police chief's son for domestic violence, even with the department pressuring him to let it go.  He has suffered for this.  He also shares with her about how he let a man go who ended up causing an accident, killing a woman and child, and how he carries that guilt.  

     Drew is back on the farm after all.  He is interested in the girl next door, Ariana.  She works with Tessa at the restaurant, and plays the guitar and sings.  Drew gets her a new guitar, and they seem to have a rapport and chemistry. It builds throughout the movie.  Toward the end of the movie, Ariana reveals she is hoping to go to a music school in another part of the country.  Drew is distraught at the idea of her leaving, and proposes to her.  She rejects his proposal, and he is devastated.  

     Lauren and Robert are in this movie, and Lauren is pregnant again.  She and Tessa are still close, and when Tessa confesses to Lauren that she isn't sure if Mike is her type, Lauren tells her, "The person you marry becomes your soulmate."  I love that line.  Lauren is given the best lines in this whole trilogy (and she's only in two of the movies.  Maybe she's what was missing from the first one!)

     We learn the man who beat up his girlfriend is getting out of jail, and Tessa is in danger.  She is trying to get into a new apartment, but can't until the graphic design job pays, and they end up going under and unable to pay.  

     While Mike is watching Ian, they go to the store to get snacks, and a young man tries to shoplift.  Mike wrestles him to the ground and stops him.  He is arrested.  Tessa is furious that he went into action like that with her son there. worried she could have endangered him.  They have a fight, and Tessa tells him to leave.

     The man who was arrested for beating his girlfriend on Tessa's testimony runs into her, and threatens her.  She tells him he isn't a good man, and God sees who he really is.  He tells her not to preach at him, and she responds, "I wouldn't know how, but I know you're not a good man."  The encounter ends, but later, he is outside Tessa's apartment making trouble, when Mike shows up and tries to stop him.  He beats Mike up, and Tessa discovers Mike unconscious and bloody on her doorstep.  He is taken the hospital, in critical condition.  In his car was a bouquet of flowers for Tessa, and an engagement ring. 

     Tessa goes to Mike's bedside in the hospital and prays, begging for understanding.  The next morning, Tessa goes to the hospital to see him again, and an orderly is stripping his bed, leading the viewer to think he is dead, but it turns out he is fine, in a wheelchair.  He proposes to Tessa in the hospital, and she accepts.  Until the wedding, she will live with Catherine.  There is a sweet friendship scene with Tessa and Lauren, after which Lauren goes into labor.  The next scene is her holding her baby boy, with Robert's arms around them both.  

     Ariana's audition for the music school goes better than expected, and Catherine urges Drew to congratulate her.  They talk about having wisdom in relationships.  Catherine tells him "God's best is worth waiting for."  

     Ariana sings at Mike and Tessa's wedding.  Tessa is a beautiful bride.  Mike makes a vow to father Ian, and then vows to be a godly husband to Tessa.  When you see how far Tessa has come since the first movie, it's very touching.  

     Drew looks longingly at Ariana at the reception.  Tessa tells him he'll have his turn one day.  The credits begin to roll.  Drew's story with Ariana is not wrapped up, which makes me wonder if they are making another movie.  I kine of hope so now.  This third movie was very good.  Tessa is a very likable character by this time.  It made me feel bad for how much I disliked her in the first one!  The things that happened were a little predictable (guy and girl fall for each other, become vulnerable, then a conflict/breakup, a disaster, and when it's almost too late, a reconciliation), but it's still a very good story.  

     On this series as a whole: they are virtuous with enduring characters (especially if you can make it past the first film).  In the first movie, you really do like Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.  They are sweet people.  It is sad when you find out Mr. Anderson is deceased in the second movie.  Even though Grace was hard for me to relate to, it was hard to see her die in the second movie.  I think Lauren and Robert's story was a lot more natural and real than Grace and Clint's.  And Tessa and Mike's story is the most raw and real, one of true redemption.  These movies are about Christian people who have Christian ideals, but the Gospel isn't clearly presented.  You know that Tessa doesn't seem Christian early on, but by the end of the third movie, she is a professing Christian, but you don't really see a salvation experience, which makes it confusing and vague.  They could have made that clearer.  I recommend this series, though, as I said, the first one is kind of a doozie.  By recommending it, I don't take back my review of the first one!  

     

Princess Cut

  I recently watched the 2015 movie Princess Cut, which is actually the first in a trilogy.  I may or may not watch the other two movies, but I needed to sort of interact with the first one.  Not only will I be reviewing a movie for its own sake.  I will be reviewing the idea put forth in it about what constitutes biblical courtship.

     The first scene is a young man digging a hole.  The viewer doesn’t know what he is doing, but has an idea it contributes to the story later.

 

     Grace Anderson is a college-aged girl, living with her parents and two younger brothers on their North Carolina farm.  She talks about taking an interior design class, so we can assume she is in college of some sort (presumably online, as she is never shown going to classes in the movie).  She doesn’t appear to have a job.  She has been seeing her boyfriend Stewart for exactly fifteen months. The movie starts with Grace and her best friend Tessa in a jewelry store, looking at rings.  It doesn’t explain why they’re there.  The jeweler takes an interest in Grace, and tells her the ring she is looking at is a Princess Cut diamond, worth $12,000 (AKA a small new car or a very nice used car, a down payment on a house, or a very expensive honeymoon.  $12,000 is more than my wedding and honeymoon cost, combined, and our honeymoon was two weeks at Lake Havasu). 

 

     As Grace and Tessa leave, Tessa teases Grace about the attractive jeweler liking her, telling her that until Stewart puts a ring on her finger, she should think of herself as free.  Grace says she is sure Stewart is going to propose that night at dinner.  We learn that Stewart and Grace have had a long-distance relationship, and he has been away at college. 

 

     We meet Grace’s family, and see her parents have some reservation about Stewart, but Grace doesn’t share their misgivings.  She is a girl in love!  When her mother asks what she loves about Stewart, Grace replies that he’s “cute, fun and smart.”  Not a lot of depth to that answer.  She dresses up very nicely and waits for her Romeo to come get her.  He seems to be late.  He finally calls and asks her to meet him at the diner.  Grace’s parents seem concerned that Stewart isn’t willing to have dinner with them all as a family.  Grace’s father says she is too emotionally attached to Stewart. 

 

     Grace arrives at the diner, and is greeted by Stewart’s loud and rowdy friends—a mix of boys and girls from his college.  Stewart pays no attention to Grace, acting obnoxious with his buddies, and then announces he is engaged to one of the other girls at the table, and all the other college friends cheer.  Grace leaves, devastated.  This whole scene confused me.  If Stewart was her steady boyfriend, he should have at least acted somewhat ashamed that he had gotten a new girlfriend without telling her.  He should have said something like.  “Look, I know this is awkward, but we’re though.  I should have told you.  I’m sorry.”  But he just acts like this is normal.  Some of the reviewers on Amazon suggested that maybe they were never an item, and she just hung onto him, but he saw her as a friend. That is possible, but then, Stewart never even treated her like a friend in this scene, so I don’t know.  Since she says they were an item, I would guess they were.  She refers to them taking dates in the past, and she even refers to him checking out other girls on their most recent date.  We can conclude that Stewart is just a jerk. 

 

     Grace returns home, grieved.  Her parents tell her it sounds like God kept her from a real disaster, and suggest they play monopoly together.  Yeah, that’s a great cure for heartbreak.  Grace literally believed she was about to become engaged, and her heart is broken, and they just play monopoly to help her process this.  They mean well, but it seems disingenuous. 

 

      While they are playing, Grace’s middle brother, Robert asks their father if there is one perfect person out there for everyone, that they’re supposed to find.  Their father says it isn’t about finding the right person as much as becoming the right person.  I can agree with that statement. 

 

     Grace’s littlest brother Drew had overheard her telling her parents about what happened between her and Stewart, and he puts out an ad for someone to come take her, adding that she is pretty and makes good macaroni and cheese.  Several very odd, cartoonish characters show up at their door, and her father sends all of them away.  I call them cartoonish because they are outside the realm of normal men.  They are as weird as cartoon characters.  They also contribute nothing further to the plot.  It was supposed to be comic relief, but it really fell flat. 

 

     Meanwhile, a new neighbor moves in down the road, an attractive young doctor (age 28, he tells them) named Clint Masters.  He is the man we saw at the beginning digging the hole.  The Anderson family befriends him, inviting him to church, and welcoming him to the community. 

 

     A blonde young woman is seen looking for Clint Masters, and is given the information that he has recently started a practice, and is given the location.  She smiles.  At this point, the viewer doesn’t know who she is.

 

     Grace is still struggling with what happened with Stewart.  She meets a familiar face at the coffee shop.  It is the jeweler from the earlier scene.  He switched jobs.  He makes it clear he is interested in Grace, and she takes the bait pretty quickly.  We learn his name is Jared.  

     Jared tries to kiss her, and she tells him not until he puts a Princess Cut diamond on her left ring finger.  So we are led to believe she won’t kiss until she’s at least engaged (possibly married?), and that an acceptable engagement ring has to be a Princess Cut (the $12,000 one at the beginning).  Jared slowly breaks her down, and their relationship becomes a little more physical than she feels good with. 

     Grace pours out her heart to Tessa, who tells her she is overreacting, but since Grace is struggling so much, Tessa refers her to her mother’s psychologist.  Grace has one free session with her, and this psychologist ends up being a total joke.  Like the cartoonish men who answered the newspaper ad, this woman is outside the realm of normal.  She doesn’t really question Grace enough to get to the bottom of why she is struggling.  She tells Grace she should just move in with Jared.  This is unrealistic advice.  A real counselor—even a non-Christian--would never just say that.  For one thing, Jared hasn’t even offered to have Grace cohabitate with him.  For another, this counselor didn't even try to help Grace understand why she is uncomfortable with the physical aspect of her relationship with Jared.  Grace doesn’t agree with the advice given, and she leaves the session early.

 

     Grace’s little brother Drew ends up ruining a project she is working on for her class.  She is furious with him, and chases him outside.  He ends up getting hit by a truck in front of their house.  Clint Masters is nearby, and he (being a doctor) does a quick examination on him and pronounces him fine (not totally realistic, as a real doctor would still say he should go to the hospital for an examination after being hit by a motor vehicle).  Grace is very emotional that her brother could have been hurt.  She goes inside crying, but when her mother asks what is wrong, she doesn’t mention her brother’s accident.  She confesses that she and Jared have been kissing. 

 

     In the midst of all of this, Graces’ parents feel convicted that they should be giving her more guidance in the dating department, and that her father should vet any suitors that come along.  After a frustrating break-up with Jared, Grace gets on board with this courtship model. 

 

    There is a montage scene showing Grace reading all these Christian courtship books.  The main one you can see is When God Writes Your Love Story, by Eric and Leslie Ludy (I read that one many years ago, and I’ll comment later).

 

     Tessa crosses paths with Clint Masters, and develops a crush on him.  She tells Grace about this cute guy, and Grace just says, “You can have him,” not knowing or caring who it is.

 

     Clint Masters (who has shown no interest in Grace up to this point) approaches the Andersons and asks their permission to court Grace with marriage in mind.  The father gives his blessing.  When Clint pursues Grace, she says she wants to, but needs her father’s blessing, which Clint is happy to assure her he already has.  There has been no romance or even a hint of romance between them, so this seemed awkward. 

 

     Tessa discovers that Grace is being courted by Clint (whom she considers her man) and she becomes furious with Grace for “Stealing my man!”  In a later scene, she apologizes to Grace for overreacting, but Grace says it’s her fault too.  How, exactly?  I don’t get it. 

 

     The blonde girl who was looking for Clint shows up.  Her name is Brooke, and it turns out she was Clint’s old girlfriend from back home.  He considers them ancient history.  We learn that he bought her a ring, but never gave it to her, because he knew it wasn’t right.  He buried the ring (which we saw at the very beginning, not knowing what it was at the time), and intends to dig it up for the right girl.  He tells this to Grace’s father, who accepts this.  But Grace’s family still awkwardly allow Brooke to stay under their roof.  During a party they have with their neighbors to celebrate their harvest, Brooke tries to get Clint back.  Jared also shows up, and becomes somewhat predatory of Grace.  Clint rescues her in a very dramatic fight scene (two men fighting over the same woman--how original).  Grace’s parents show up at the end of the fight and order Jared to leave and never return.  They tell Brooke to leave as well, and she replies, “I’m not leaving until I get what I came for!” Meaning Clint.  So pathetic and dramatic.  When it is clear Clint is over her, she changes her tune and leaves. 

 

     Clint also leaves, and it wasn’t really clear as to why.  He just rescued her from Jared, so he’s a hero.  But he just leaves, as if he’s ashamed or embarrassed. Grace worries she lost him.  She sends him an email, thanking him for defending her against Jared, telling him she respects him, and that she wants to be complete in Christ, whether He brings them together or not.  A scene shows Clint digging up the ring he buried at the beginning.  The family has a picnic, and Clint shows up (it turns out he and her father planned this), and presents her the ring.  You guessed it, it is a Princess Cut diamond.  Grace has no problem wearing a ring originally intended for another woman.  Clint tells her she is “amazing” which I don’t quite see.  She hasn’t done one amazing thing in the whole movie. 

 

     Okay, here is my take on this movie. First, I’ll share what I appreciate and relate to.  I appreciate that Grace’s family love and support her, and want to help her.  I appreciate the struggle she has in the dating world, with so many messages out there, both Christian and secular.  When I was in my early 20’s, I felt like I was constantly getting bombarded with contradictory messages about what was expected of me, and what was right and proper.  I was left feeling defeated and confused.  So I do relate to Grace in this area.  I can understand having your heart broken by someone you had hoped to marry.  I was there once.  Thankfully not now, but I was there at one time.  I like how her father states that it’s more about becoming the right person than finding the right person.  The rest of the movie doesn’t really stand behind this philosophy, but it’s a true statement.  The statement is made about being complete in Christ either way, which is also true (though not otherwise emphasized).  Waiting on God’s timing is brought up, which I 100% agree with.  In spite of what I’m going to say in the next paragraph, I do also feel that Grace’s parents are kind, loving parents, and are motivated by wanting what is best for her. 

 

     Here is where I don’t really relate.  I can’t say I disagree with the message.  I don’t think the model of courtship they are advocating is “wrong” per se.  I especially think this model could possibly be a good idea if a young lady is still a teenager, living with parents, and is in a relationship.  However, Grace is supposedly a college student.  Again, I don’t disagree with her having her father’s guidance in dating/courting.  It isn’t “wrong” but I don’t believe it is biblically commanded either.  Additionally, it isn't a magic formula for having a perfect relationship.  Not every family would want to follow this model.  Not every family is equipped to follow it.  I was raised to make good decisions and seek God’s will for myself, so that when I was an adult, I would be able to navigate relationships, and stay in God’s will for me with my own relationship with Christ.  It seems like Grace’s parents failed to do that for her when she was younger.  

     I get that Stewart was a bad guy, and Grace was foolish to want to be with him in the beginning.  There were a lot of warning signs she chose to ignore.  In saying that, I understand her parents’ reservations about him.  What I don’t get is why, if Stewart could possibly have been “the one,” as Grace thinks he is at one point, the father doesn’t want her to be “emotionally attached” to him.  I can see where being emotionally attached to Stewart would be bad, since he ends up being a bad guy, but it is implied that being emotionally attached to someone you want to marry is a bad thing.  I was confused by that.  Couples can’t know if they’re right for each other if they don’t get emotionally attached.  I would never have wanted to marry a man I wasn’t emotionally attached to.  We need to guard our hearts, but we still need to form relationships.  That’s a risk we take.  We even take that risk in just becoming friends with people and bearing more and more of our heart to them.  That's part of life.  

     I also had a problem with Grace being so obsessed with marriage, and not having any real goals or talents of her own.  Her character development is lacking.  She is never taught to be the best she can be in Christ by herself.  The whole goal of the movie is to get her married off.  That is a very dangerous message.  Marriage is instituted by God, but it is not the only valid life for a believer.  Some are called to be single, and are more effective for the kingdom as single (Matthew 19:12, First Corinthians 7).  And even if one is called to be married, he or she should still become the person God created them to be, as an individual.  This is not shown in the movie. 

     Grace never really has to suffer in her waiting for her husband.  She gets her heart's desire pretty easily.  As someone who had to wait a little longer, I can't relate to that.  I have many single friends now who wouldn't relate.

 

     A few things that confused me were: how much time passed?  A few days?  A month?  A year?  It is unclear.  It seems like Grace went from being heartbroken over Stewart to being in a new relationship with Jared, to being with Clint.  It’s like she doesn’t take the time to process.  It makes her seem really shallow.  Another thing that confuses me is why Grace is friends with Tessa.  They don’t seem to share the same values, and Tessa is kind of mean to her. 

 

     This movie, made in 2015, comes after years and years of books, conferences, and movements on the subject of purity.  I am all for purity (Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Second Timothy 2:2).  However, I feel the purity culture of the 1990’s and 2000’s was harmful to many teenagers and young adults.  The intent was good, but all it really did was add a lot of extra-biblical rules to young people’s lives.  As Christians, we are to be in-line with scripture and guided by the Holy Spirit in all we do.  That includes our romantic relationships.  But that doesn’t mean there’s a once-size-fits-all approach.  God guides all of our lives differently.  He will never guide us to go against the Bible, but He can still guide us differently from each other.  There is nowhere in scripture where we are commanded to do courtship the way this movie says.  Grace’s father pulls Jeremiah 29:6 out as a “proof” that it is biblical for fathers to find spouses for their daughters, but if you read that whole verse, it says, Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease.  This passage advises parents to find spouses for both sexes of their children, not just daughters.  And the actual teaching of this verse, in context, is about the children of Israel settling in Babylon for the next 70 years.  It isn’t a God-given command on how parents are supposed to select their children’s spouses.  Trying to make it say that is weak, and poor hermeneutics. 

 

     I will add a note about Eric and Leslie Ludy’s book When God Writes Your Love Story (which Grace reads).  I read an older edition of that book in the very early 2000’s, when I was in my early 20’s, after a painful break-up.  I was really trying to trust and rest in the Lord.  That’s how God was leading me at that time.  I wanted to follow His plan for my life, not just in dating/marriage, but in all areas, and God was calling me to go deeper with Him.  I saw that book at the Christian Bookstore one day, and with the emphasis of the title being God writing one’s love story, I thought the book would be encouraging the reader to really let God do it, which was what He was telling me in my life.  I ended up being annoyed and disappointed by it.  It is basically the authors sharing their story of ending up together as older teenagers.  I got the idea of “I didn’t meet my husband until I was seventeen.  I’m so glad I waited!”  They used their story as a pattern of how relationships should be, and that isn’t right.  As I said, God works differently in everyone’s life.  We all have our own path to follow—a race marked out for us, if you will (Hebrews 12:1).  Other books that did this were Elisabeth Elliot’s Passion and Purity and Joshua Harris’ Boy Meets Girl.  These books used the author’s story as the example of what all people need to do, and that is totally unbiblical.  I shared this in another post, but if I had Elisabeth Elliot’s story with her husband Jim, I would have decked him before he even got to the point of proposal—and I admire him as a missionary hero, but not as a romantic suitor!  Our stories are for us to share so others can glorify God, and know God can work in their lives too, not for people to copy us.  That’s all I will say about that one. 

 

     I’ll also speak to Grace’s insistence that her future husband has to give her a $12,000 ring.  It’s nice to know one’s worth, and to realize that one shouldn’t give oneself away without commitment.  But that is a lot of money.  There are wonderful, worthy men who don’t have that kind of money for a ring.  My wonderful husband and I were pretty broke when he proposed.  The day after we got engaged, he got me a place-holder ring from Kmart, about $20.  That sufficed until payday, when we went to a jeweler.  The silver diamond engagement ring I still wear with my wedding band to this day is beautiful, but it wasn’t $12,000.  I wouldn’t have wanted anything even close to that!  For our wedding bands, we got stainless steel, which lasts forever, but was very much within our budget.  We preferred to use our money wisely, and spend more of it on our honeymoon and future than the ring. 

Our wedding picture

 

     I am no feminist, but I disagree with the implication of this movie that a young woman is not capable of making good decisions without her father.  I think it’s great if a father wants to help, but the character of Grace was sorely lacking in life skills, such as decision-making.  Her walk with the Lord was never really emphasized.  No one’s really was.  For being a Christian movie, it was a lot more about courtship than Jesus or the Bible. 

 

     I’ll close with a few positives.  The cinematography and musical score were beautiful.  Grace’s parents were sweet, supportive, virtuous people, who, as I said, are truly motivated by wanting God’s best for their daughter.   I liked the country feel. 

 

     So, you have been warned.  Watch this movie at your own risk!  There are some sequel films I may or may not watch.