The Changing Times

     "America is really going down the tubes," our youth pastor told us seriously.  "Why, when I was young..." he went on to share about how perfect the world of the 1940s' and 50's had been.  As a teenager in the 1990's, these kinds of talks made me feel guilty for living in the present instead of the past, even though I had no choice in the matter.  They also made me feel hopeless, as if there was nothing good in store for my generation, and we had no value to the kingdom of God.  Our leaders at church were wonderful people, and did many things right, but going on and on about how the past was superior to the present was something I could have done without.  The godly youth just felt bad, like I did.  The youth who weren't strong in the Lord just tuned it all out.  No one was benefited.  Another Sunday school teacher in the same church told us that everyone was a Christian in the 1800's, and the world didn't get evil until the 20th century.  Everyone believed this was true, but it bothered me.  

 

     Is the world getting worse and worse?  Some have said it is getting better and better.  What does the Bible say about this?  Were people morally and spiritually superior in past generations?  Let's look at this.

     A thought-provoking movie about this is the 2002 Christian film Time Changer.  The story starts in 1890.  A professor at a theological seminary has written a book called The Changing Times, about how Christian principles can be taught apart from the name of Christ, and can still benefit society.  In order for this book to be published, the whole seminary board has to unanimously vote to endorse it.  All but one board member accepts it.  The dissenting member is very concerned with where such teaching could lead in the future.  The professor/author is furious about this, but changes his tune when he is given the chance to go forward in time 110 years to the year 2000, and see where the world has gone in light of such modernistic teaching about morality without Jesus.  This movie is a little corny, but also deep.  It definitely has its touching moments.  It's a low-budget film, made before the advent of many of the higher quality Christian movies in theaters today.  It is a sort of cross between Back to the Future (with the time-travel/changing history aspect of it) and Elf  (with this 1890's professor being shocked by the world of 2000, similar to how Buddy acts in New York City).   At the end, he returns to 1890, and determines to edit his book, as well as be a witness for Christ, not just morality.  For the point it was trying to make (morality without Christ is futile), it was amazing, and I recommend it.  However, some took from it that the movie was trying to say the world was better in 1890.  I don't believe that was the point at all, but assuming it was, let's look at that.

     The late 19th century was a time of change in the world.  In a sense, it wasn't so different from today.  It was a time of history moving along, just like now.  Two of my favorite hymns, Higher Ground and Heavenly Sunlight, were written in the 1890's.  Spiritually, the 1890's fell between some revivals, with none going on at that time in particular.  Dwight Moody preached until shortly before his death in 1899, however.  At this time in history, children were often forced to work in factories for pennies, just barely enough to help their families.  This was the period of the newsboys strike (which was depicted in the movie and Broadway musical Newsies).  Women didn't yet have the right to vote.  Liberal modernism had already made its way into Christianity and churches, though this controversy between liberalism and fundamentalism would become much more pronounced in the 1920's.  Many of the problems from that time no longer exist, but some of our problems today didn't exist then either.  It's a mixed bag.  

     Also worth noting, it is very easy to romanticize the past.  When it was the 1890's, no one thought it was particularly romantic or amazing.  It was just normal life, like today is for us.  I think people romanticize the past because it can no longer disappoint us.  It's under control.  It isn't a threat.  The present and future can seem scary, but the present has always been "the present" even in the past (wow, what a sentence!)!  

     It is easy to look at the late 19th century and see the good--how the Bible was still in our public schools, how more marriages stayed together, and how church attendance was higher--while ignoring the wrong.  Many people of that era who read the Bible in schools and even churches had no understanding of what it was really saying, so it wasn't transforming their hearts (Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof, Second Timothy 3:5a).  There really weren't more born-again Christians than today.  Just more professing Christians.  It was more culturally beneficial to be a Christian at that time, so many unsaved people claimed Christianity.  This is even true today.  In my adult life, I once had a boss who was secretly practicing witchcraft, but publicly always talked about us doing right at work because it was "the Christian thing to do."  She would use the word "Christian" as synonymous with good, and the general people who heard her talk that way thought she was a God-fearing woman.  A lot of people do that.  As of 2015, 75% of Americans claimed to be Christians, but upon deeper questioning, only 29% said they had made a personal decision to receive Christ as Savior.  With so many people claiming Christianity culturally, maybe we're a lot more like the 1890s than we realize.  There is a big difference between Christian culture and actually being a Christian.  

This map depicts religion in the US (not necessarily isolating Christianity).  Most of the deep green state are the Bible Belt, and are the most religious (Utah is not considered the Bible Belt, but is part of this deep green category because of the strong adherence to Mormonism).  The medium green states are "average" (whatever that means).  The yellow-green are have the lowest religious involvement.  

     I'll camp on this just a second.  We tend to value Christian culture.  I grew up in Southern California, which has a largely secular reputation (in spite of many wonderful churches and Bible seminaries, and in spite of it being "average" on this map).  Christians in California often idealize the "Bible Belt" (which many think is all states outside of California).  Technically, the Bible Belt is the South (all deep green states on the map besides Utah).  Having lived in California, South Dakota, New Mexico, Texas and now Arkansas, I can say that there isn't as much difference as people think.  It was funny that, as soon as I arrived in South Dakota (after 34 years as a Californian) all my Christian friends back home kept saying how lucky I was to be in the Bible Belt (hint: South Dakota isn't in the Bible Belt, and the particular town we lived in there was a much more secular humanistic society than I'd had in California.).  I currently do live in the Bible Belt, and even now, I don't think it's better or worse than anywhere else.  People here act more or less the same as those in my previous states.  Besides that, Christian culture isn't a virtue in itself.  It's something we idealize, but it isn't good unless it actually facilitates people becoming real Christians, and gives God glory.  If people are living moral lives and going to church, but don't know Jesus Christ, there is no benefit.  What do we as Christians profit if we influence others toward morality and goodness, but lose them for eternity (For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Mark 8:36)?  Our goal isn't a Christian culture as an end in itself.  Our goal should be to win the lost for Christ.  Having a culture that leans more toward Christianity is only helpful it it enables us to reach that end.  To be honest, some of the nicest, most godly, committed believers I have ever met lived in the states that are the least religious (lightest green) on the map I shared.  Sometimes, being surrounded by a more hostile culture helps Christians look to their faith and realize it's worth defending and living for.  

     Newton's third law of physics tells us, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."  As time has moved forward and wrong things have happened, true Christian people have made a stand against them, and formed movements that have glorified the Lord.  We now have organizations like Compassion International, Focus on the Family, the HSLDA, Answers in Genesis, among others.  These godly movements weren't part of life in the past, and they illustrate that genuine Christian people are as strong today as they ever were.  The things we wrestle with might look a little different, but we are the same.  We also have a lot of wonderful resources Christians in the past didn't have, and we can be grateful for that.  

     There is an additional aspect of this as well.   I began this post talking about things I was told at church.  The first mistake in our youth pastor's talk was that he focused on America.  He was saying how America was going down the tubes.  We need to qualify statements like that by broadening them to look at the whole world.  The whole world has problems, and America is part of the world, so it has problems too.  When I would hear people complain about America being in so much trouble while I was growing up, I used to think that this must mean other countries were wonderful compared to us.  Having traveled internationally, I can say this is not the case.  Humans are humans.  All are equally loved by God, equally depraved by sin, and equally redeemable by faith in Christ (but not everyone is redeemed, because not everyone has chosen His way).  Americans complaining about the present is unique to us.  We are a nation that was founded on religious freedom, and can see how far we've fallen.  Most other nations can't make that comparison, because they weren't founded on those ideals.  The Pilgrims came to our shores in 1620, in order to have the freedom to worship God as they saw fit.  At that time, they weren't attempting to create a nation.  They just wanted that freedom.  Over 150 years later, the United States declared independence from Britain.  Some of the founding fathers of our nation were Christians, but many were not.  Several were Deists.  The Bill of rights in our Constitution grants Americans freedom of religion.  The exact wording of the first amendment is as follows: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.  Our nation was, and has continued to be, a place of religious liberty.  Christianity has played a big part in it.  As time has moved on, we have seen wars on our liberties, and very unchristian things happen.  This is to be expected.  We live in a world that never knew God.  We're part of a country that has been blessed for over two-hundred years, and we pray for God's blessing to continue.  We have to look at our country as one that was started with Christianity in mind  but was full of people who didn't know God, even at the beginning.  At the present, it feels like we're fighting for our liberties in ways we never have before, and we need to pray!

     In 2009, then-President Barak Obama made the claim the the US is no longer a Christian nation.  Many were outraged.  I disagree with the motive behind his statement, but I heard an amazing sermon shortly after this that helped my perspective on this.   I heard the sermon at a church I was visiting in the course of doing ministry in a different city than usual.  The pastor--a Conservative Christian man who also happened to be African-American--built the case that America has never been a Christian nation.  He pointed out that there were Christians in our nation's founding, and there are many Christian principles in the fabric of our culture, but there have been non-Christians and their ideals as well.  He brought up many travesties in our history (IE: slavery), as well as present (IE: abortion), and pointed out that our nation has never been exclusively Christian.  But then he built an even better case.  He said there is a Christian nation within the US--and in every nation.  God's kingdom on earth today exists in the Christian people, and there are definitely Christian people in America.  We are that Christian nation.  It was such a beautiful message that touched my heart and left me in tears.  It left me with a deeper love of my fellow believers, and a longing for what waits beyond this life. 

     The past wasn't as rosy as we paint it, and the present has its own issues.  What about the future?  Are things getting worse?  Or are they getting better?  What's going to happen?  

     Here are some things we are told in the Bible:

     Creation was plunged into corruption when sin entered the world.  Romans 5:12 tells us, Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin...  A few chapters later, in Romans 8:22-23, we're told that all of creation is groaning because of the effects of sin.  Sin has affected our world since Genesis 3.  Since Adam and Eve ate that fruit, there has never been a perfect time in history.  

     Believers from different times have felt alone, but God has always had a remnant.  

     David wrote in Psalm 42:9-11, I will say unto God my rock, Why has thou forgotten me?  Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?  As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me while they say daily to me, Where is thy God?  Why are thou cast down, O my soul?  and why are thou disquieted within me?  Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my  countenance, and my God.  We know David had trusted friends in his life, from studying his life in First and Second Samuel.  But he felt alone in his walk with the Lord, as we can gather from Psalm 42.  

     Another believer who felt alone was Elijah.  He did great things for the Lord (First Kings 17-18), but when his life was threatened, he ran, and felt totally alone.  He despaired and wanted to die.  In First Kings 19:10 (and again in verse 14) he laments, I have been very zealous for the Lord, the God of armies; for the sons of Israel have abandoned Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they have sought to take my life.  In verse 18, God tells Elijah he isn't the only one left: Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal and every mouth that has not kissed him.  Elijah needed a wake-up call to remind him he wasn't the only faithful believer.  God always has a Remnant.  The same is true today.  

     As we wait for Christ's return, our hope shouldn't be in this world getting better.  On the other hand, it isn't helpful to sit around complaining about evil.  Our focus should be on what is eternal.  In the Apostle Paul's last letter, Second Timothy, he warns his protégé:  For the time will come when they will not tolerate sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance with their own desires,  and they will turn their ears away from the truth and will turn aside to myths.  But as for you, use self-restraint in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.  As for that part about people not wanting sound doctrine and finding preachers who teach to their liking, that sounds a lot like today--but it has sounded that way a lot in the history of Christianity.  What are we, in the present, to do?  The rest of that passage tells us.  We're to use self-restraint, endure the difficulties, do the work of an evangelist, and fulfill the ministry God has given us.  That's what I wish our youth leader had urged us, instead of making negative comments about the time in which we were living.  No one can help when God chose to create them.  If God had given me a choice, I very highly doubt I would have picked to be born when I was.  But God knows best.  He has a plan for you and for me in the time in which He has placed us.  Acts 17:26-27 assures us that God places us in the boundaries of time and space that we are in order for us to know Him.  ...having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, that they would seek God.  He could have put me in another city, state or nation, and in an entirely different time in history, but He put me where and when He did because He knew it was the very best place and time for me to know Him.  For me, the very best time to come to know Christ as my personal Lord and Savior was on February 7, 1987 in Riverside California, USA.  That's when and where I was saved.  No other time or place would have been as good for me, according to scripture.  Even where I am now, in Little Rock, Arkansas, in 2020, is the best time and place for my walk with the Lord right now.  It is so easy to think we belong in another time or place, especially when the past is painted as being idealistic, but God's word says differently.  God also has plans He created for you to fulfill (Ephesians 2:10).  He knew what He was doing when he created you in the time and place He did.  You are not defined by your time in history--let history be defined by you!

     All times in history have had their difficulties.  Since Jesus ascended, Christians have longed for His return.  They have expected it in their lifetime, as many do today.  We are right to long for it (Even so, come, Lord Jesus, Revelation 22:20). , but also must remember that God isn't slack concerning His promise to return, but is patient, not wanting anyone to perish, but for all to come to Him (First Peter 3:9).  I can imagine Christians during some dark times in history begging Jesus to come back, just as I sometimes do today, but I'm glad God answered their prayer with a no, because those of us alive today wouldn't have had the chance to be part of His kingdom if He had come back then.  The same might be true now.  There might be some brothers and sisters of ours that we will spend eternity with, but they haven't been physically born yet, and if Jesus came back now, they'd never have a chance.  We just don't know.  We have to rest in His Sovereignty.  

     We don't know what the rest of history looks like, exactly.  But we do know Jesus is coming back, and we will be with Him forever, as well as all believers who came before and after us.  We are contending with a world that never knew God.  Luke 21 gives us some clues, but verse 28 is the biggest encouragement  And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh.  American history has given us a bit of a reprieve, but it has never been perfect.  We are reminded that we are citizens of Heaven (Philippians 3:20).  We are to do our duty to preach the gospel.  Remember what Jesus said, And this gospel of the kingdom must be announced to the whole world, as a witness to all the nations. Then the end will come. (Matthew 24:14).  Maybe you will lead that last soul to salvation so Christ's family is complete and He can return!  Let's get busy!

Spiritual Victors!

      In the last two posts, I have talked about coming out of denial and into God's grace.  We've discussed doing an inventory of the major events of your life, coming to terms with other people's sins against you, as well as your own sins.  We've talked about confessing your sins to yourself, God, and a mentor or accountability partner.  We addressed the great importance of a support team.  This is the conclusion to a three-part series.  I've you've missed the first two, go read them first and then return to this one.  These previous posts are:  Realize, published on November 16, 2020 and Inventory, published November 19, 2020.  I highly recommend you read those before moving on, because what comes next won't make sense otherwise.  

     You have done something very difficult.  You have inventoried your life.  Now that you've done that and come out on the other side, you are a victor.  You have faced yourself.  So many people never do that.  Once you face yourself, you will like and respect yourself, realizing where you are really wrong, and where you are not.  It helps you take real responsibility when you need to, but not to take false blame from those who would just throw it on you.  The lines aren't so fuzzy anymore.  You won't feel defensive when people point out your faults, because you're already aware of them.  You'll be able to say, "Yes, I am very prideful sometimes.  I'm working on that," rather than being defensive and trying to prove to the person why they're wrong and you're not prideful.  Their assertions won't make you feel badly about yourself.  You'll also know that the trait they're mentioning about you isn't the entirety of who you are.  It isn't what defines you.  It's simply something in your life you're working on, just like everyone has things they need to work on.  If their accusation about you is totally baseless, you'll know that as well, because you're already deeply acquainted with your strengths and weaknesses.  The long and short of it is that people won't have as much power to hurt or offend you.  

     There are still a few pieces of business.  As a spiritual victor, you will be able to do these things.  Look how far you've already come!  

    The first thing is to forgive those who have hurt you.  You have experienced some real wounding, and through this process, you have faced that.  It's time to forgive.  Forgiveness doesn't mean rebuilt trust (that may or may not happen).  Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean a restored relationship.  Forgiveness means that you are releasing that person off your hook and putting them on God's.  Give up your right to get even, and leave place for God's wrath.  Romans 12:19 says, Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.  Forgiveness says more about your trust in God to make all things right than it says about your belief in the other person.  Don't make a peace treaty with hate and resentment.  Those feelings might crop up.  You're only human.  But don't accept them or dwell on them.  Every time a hateful thought about the person pops up in your mind, give it back to God.  Ask Him to heal your emotions as you choose forgiveness.  One thing that helps me with people I am trying to forgive is praying for them.  Jesus told us to pray for our enemies (Luke 6:28).  Forgiveness can be a journey, but you are only responsible for taking that first step.  God will do the work in your heart.  

     The second order of business is to make amends.  In your inventory, you probably identified times you were wrong.  Sometimes, you were largely at fault.  Other times, hardly at all.  But most of the time, you played some part in the problem.  You bare some of the responsibility.  It is time to go make it right with those you sinned against.  You should make amends to others whenever possible, but there are exceptions.

     The first exception is, obviously, if the person is deceased, or you have no way of reaching them.  In those cases, write them a letter that you will just keep.  Express your regret.  If you can, visit their grave and read the letter aloud.  That is for you, not them. If you can't visit a grave, read your letter to an empty chair and imagine the person sitting there. 

     The second exception to making amends is if doing so would harm the person, yourself, or someone else.  It might be uncomfortable in any event, but that in itself isn't a reason to avoid it.  Here are some examples of times it might be harmful to make amends with the person. If you bare about 5% of the blame in a situation with a very cruel, cutting person who has been hurtful, reaching out to them to make your 5% right could be harmful to your own recovery.  Not everyone is a safe person.  Not everyone wants to be at peace with you.  Also, in a situation where a person doesn't know you sinned against them, confessing it to them would only harm them.  You wouldn't want to ever tell someone, I lied when I said I liked how you looked in that sweater.  You actually looked terrible in it.  Will you forgive me for lying to you?  I once received a letter from someone, asking me to forgive them for thinking I was inferior to them.  I could have done without knowing they were thinking that about me.  Their confession did nothing but hurt me.  Please don't confess your sinful thoughts to people.  They'd rather be in ignorant bliss in those cases, trust me.  I've shared this story before, but when I was in high school,  my pastor's wife used to tell us about a time at a previous church when a woman came up to her after the service and gave her a hug and said, "I've hated you for so long, but God convicted me today, and now I want to be friends."  The pastor's wife had thought this woman was her friend.  The woman was so happy, getting it off her chest and moving forward, but our pastor's wife was devastated.  Keep these types of sins between yourself and God (and your mentor).  I once got into a very tangled situation with very tender feelings involved.  I wasn't even certain I had sinned (that's how tangled it was), but in any event, going to the person would have hurt some very tender feelings, and reopened wounds.  In that case, it was better to let sleeping dogs lie.  You might need God's guidance or your mentor's advice to determine if making amends would be wise in a given situation. 

     Barring the reasons I gave, making amends is the right thing to do.  I remember in junior high, I had a girl write me a letter, apologizing to me for snubbing me.  She confessed that she felt badly about it, and that she appreciated me and wanted to be friends.  It was one of the nicest, most appreciated letters I ever received, and it showed true humility on the part of the sender.  God used it to really encourage me.  Very few people I have known in my adult life are as mature or responsible as this girl in junior high was.  The longer I live, the more impressed I am that someone that young could make such a healthy amends.  

     This is where a lot of people stop the healing process.  They went through all that hard work of doing an inventory, and then they didn't make it right with others.  It is so important to do so.  Matthew 5:23-24 says, Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and be reconciled to him: then come and offer your gift.  Reconciliation is more important than service and sacrifice.  Jesus said in Matthew 5:9, Blessed are the peacemakers.  

     One of my biggest pet peeves is people who never apologize.  It's a very unattractive trait to constantly blame others, yet never acknowledge one's own blame.  Don't be that person.  I once worked with a woman who was very sweet, but the more I got to know her, I saw that she really thought she was perfect, and that everyone else was wrong.  There was a subtle self-righteousness there.  I didn't conflict with her myself, but others did.  This particular woman was overall very sweet, but a lot of times, these people can be brutal, and then, when they feel bad about it, they start acting very nice.  They can't quite humble themselves enough to make amends, but they want to start being nice.  That isn't right.  They need to make the move to actually make things right.  Just suddenly being nice doesn't cut it.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Matthew 7:12.

     The hardest and most humbling part is that, while you make amends for your part, the other person might not.  They probably aren't as healthy as you have become.  They probably haven't done an inventory.  They might accept your apology graciously and thank you, but still might not apologize for their part.  You can't demand that.  It is very humbling, but you are there to make your part right, not to lecture them or try to manipulate an apology from them.  I have tried to manipulate others into apologies before, and it didn't bring any satisfaction.  Remember, apologies have to be heartfelt, not forced.  Otherwise, they're not real.  You can't control anyone but yourself.  Do your part, and leave the rest in God's hands.  The other person just might feel led to apologize to you after all.  The worst scenarios are when the person doesn't think your apology goes far enough.  They might try to pin their sin onto you, or tear you down. They might just want to revisit the sin you are confessing and make you feel worse about it.   Don't accept any of this.  Just stick to your own part, then leave.  Making amends may or may not lead to total reconciliation in the relationship.  

    What goes into an amends?  Is it just saying sorry?  That's a start.  Here is what it should look like: You acknowledge what your part was (not their part).  You've already done that on your inventory.  Tell the person what your part was, apologize, and ask them to forgive you.  If you have a continued relationship with the person, let them see you are changed.  Whether they forgive you or not, it's not on you anymore.  It's on them.  You'll have done the right thing, and can move on in victory.  Here's an example of an amends: Susan, when we were teaching Sunday school together, I never let you do the Bible lesson, even though you asked to.  That was possessive of me.  I was wrong, and I'm sorry.  Will you please forgive me?  Maybe Susan was irresponsible with her part of the class, and let you down on multiple occasions.  You aren't owning that.  You are just owning your part, being possessive.  Incidentally, in a situation like that, you could have allowed Susan to teach, but come prepared with a lesson in case she flaked out.  That isn't the point here, though.  

     Amends is the last really big step in this process.  After that, you are going to move forward in maintaining your healing.  Continue being accountable to God and others.  Take personal inventory daily, and when you're wrong, promptly admit it.  Develop the reputation as someone who keeps short accounts and humbly makes things right.  You will gain a lot of people's respect and trust.  

     True story.  I once handled a situation badly at work.  It led to a big confrontation and several people being upset with me.  I knew I wasn't 100% at fault, but I was in recovery by this point in life, and I made amends with everyone involved the next day.  I made my part right.  All but one person forgave me instantly.  The big boss saw this, and within a month, I was promoted.  They had seen I wasn't perfect, but they saw me take responsibility.  This made a big impression, and led to good things for me.  It also helped me be a testimony, because everyone knew I was a Christian.  This was probably even more powerful to them then if I had never erred.  

     Watch our for a relapse.  Old habits die hard, and we can all fall back into old patterns.  So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall. First Corinthians 10:12.  God is there to help you, and so are the other people you've let into your life.  If you're struggling, pick up the phone and call someone.  Continue to take daily time with the Lord in Bible reading and prayer.  Listen to that Christian music that blesses you.  Be regular in church.  Continue everything that enforces the truth to you.  Let the message of Christ dwell in you richly. Colossians 3:16.

     God wants to use you and your testimony to help others. A mentor I had years ago used to always say, "God is very economical."  God will get so much use out of your pain.  Another phrase I like is, "God never wastes a hurt."  God wants to use you to share your story, both of your struggles and of your victory, so others can receive the help God provided for you.  Second Corinthians 1:4 tells us, Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  Unhealthy people might try to silence you.  Maybe your story scares them, because it reminds them that they, too, have things to deal with, and they don't want to face it.  Some people really feel vulnerability is inappropriate.  I have faced this, sometimes from people I admire greatly.  But you can't let that stop you from sharing what you have experienced, and what God has done in your life.  Sharing is not only helpful to others, but is also part of your own ongoing healing.  Don't constantly dwell on your past, but share it when God gives you an opportunity.  In Luke 8:39, Jesus said, Return home and tell how much God has done for you.  

Your story is the key that can unlock someone else's prison.  Share your testimony.

     So concludes my three-part series of getting out of denial and finding healing in God's grace.  If you'd like more on this subject (there are a lot of details I could flesh out), let me know.  God richly bless you today!  See you next time!

Inventory

      In my last post, Realize, November 16, 2020,  I discussed coming out of denial and embracing God's truth about who you are in Him, and how you can live in that truth.  If you've not read it, I recommend you go back and so so, then return to this one.  We'll wait for you 😉.  You can read this as is, but it will mean more with the backdrop of the last post.  

     This time, we're going to talk about the tools that will help you heal and cope.  Following these principles is a guaranteed victory!

     The first thing you need in your life is a support system.  This will keep you moving forward and help you guard against relapse into denial and destructive habits that you are trying to break out of.  You need a mentor, as well as at least one accountability partner.  To explain the difference between and mentor and an accountability partner, I'll draw a parallel to sports.  Your mentor would be your coach, and your accountability partner(s) would be your teammate(s).  We were never meant to go it alone.  Not only will these people encourage you to do right and hold you accountable, but they will also validate you as they share their own struggles and battles.  You will see you're not alone.  You are not worse than anyone else.  You're in it together.  That makes a huge difference in your outlook.  From the beginning, God made it clear that humans need each other.  It is not good that the man should be alone...Genesis 2:18.  Galatians 6:2 says, Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  Believers should be doing this for each other.  

     When selecting people to be these roles in your life, prayerfully consider who this person is to you, how you relate, and what kind of impact they could have.  There isn't a one-size-fits-all deal.  I have two wonderful mentors, but if you met them, they might not be suited to be your mentors.  You might have different needs and expectations than I do.  Ask God to lead you to the right one.  Here are some questions for consideration.

1) Does this person's walk match their talk?

2) Does this person have a growing relationship with the Lord?

3) Does this person show compassion and hope, but not pity?

4) Is this person a good listener?

5) Is this person strong enough to hold you accountable when needed?

6) Is this someone you are comfortable being accountable to?  

7) Does this person share their own struggles with others?  

    I'll hasten to add that a mentor should be the same sex as you.  For the type of vulnerability you will be having in this relationship, opposite sex mentorship would be very unhealthy and could lead to a bad situation.

     On a smaller scale, you can ask the same questions about an accountability partner.  You want a trustworthy Christian person you feel comfortable with.  Ask God for people who bring out the best in you.  I once had a very good friend whom I considered an accountability partner, but we really just had a very emotional, codependent friendship that brought out the worst in us both.  You don't want that.  

     These people will help you, and reinforce the truth of God.  However, God is your healer, and He will help you as you take a personal inventory of your life.  

     What is an inventory?  It is an honest look.  I have shared a little bit about this in my September 10, 2020 post, In the Presence of my Enemies.  This tool can help sort out problems in a very organized way.  It has been very helpful to me.  

     You are going to take stock of your life.  You are going to ask the Lord to reveal what you need to work through.  You will do a separate inventory for every major event in your life.  You can do a lot more detail than I'm going to describe.  These are the basic bare bones.  

     Before you start, write out a list of the good things you have done in your life.  Things you are pleased about.  Things you know God has used.  This will give you the right perspective to do a balanced inventory.  It can be easy to be down on yourself, so start with the positives.  After you have done that, go into doing inventories about the events in life.  

    You need a piece of paper and a pen.  You can either do this as separate paragraphs, or dividing the paper into columns.  I'm going to describe it as paragraphs, but you can do it in any way that is understandable to you.  

     Person: First, write out the name of the person or people who hurt you in a specific event.  It might be a parent or other relative, a friend, a bully, a teacher, a significant other, a boss or coworker.  Write their name out, then start a new paragraph (I know a name isn't a paragraph!).  Example: Mrs. Smith (fifth grade teacher)

    Cause: In the next paragraph, write out the cause.  That is, what the person did to you.  Be very specific.  Write out the facts.  At this step, you wouldn't write out the emotions associated with it.  That comes later. Following the made-up example from above about Mrs. Smith, you might write: ridiculed me in front of the class for failing a spelling test.  Showed favoritism toward kids who got better grades.  Wouldn't let me make up a failed assignment, when she allowed others to do so. 

     Effect: In the next paragraph, write out what effect, that action had on your life.  Example: After being ridiculed by Mrs. Smith, I felt stupid and ashamed.  I stopped trying in school and got poor grades.  I didn't get good enough grades to get into a good college and have really struggled professionally.  

     Damage: In the next paragraph, write out the damage.  This means, how did this person's action damage your basic social, security and/or sexual instincts?  Example: Mrs. Smith's actions affected me socially.  I was the laughing stalk of the class, and had a hard time being confidant and making friends.  

     My Part: So far, you have looked at the other person's sin.  How their sin affected you.  Now, it's time to take responsibility for your part.  It is rare that anyone is 100% innocent in a conflict.  It can happen, especially in cases of child abuse.  However, in almost every conflict, there is some fault on both sides.  It may be 50/50.  It may be 90/10.  It could be 99/1.  But it's time to determine your part.  Pray for God to make you completely honest about admitting your own fault.  By admitting your own shortcomings and sins, you are not excusing the other person's wrongs.  You are not taking responsibility for their wrongs, only your own.  In the pretend example I've been using about the teacher, a person might conclude that their part is: At the beginning of that school year, I slacked off and didn't pay attention.  I was disrespectful to Mrs. Smith when she asked me to buckle down and try.  In admitting that, you are neither excusing nor taking blame for Mrs. Smith's rude treatment of you.  But you are admitting you weren't perfect either, and that you played a part in it.  If you received neglect, indifference, violence or sexual abuse, you can write Not Guilty in this paragraph, because you did not play a part in this.  There are situations you'll find where you bear no blame. If all your inventories come out as you being not guilty, though, I'd prayerfully consider how honest you are being with yourself. 

     Character Defect: As part of the same paragraph, you can write out the question: What character defect did I demonstrate?  If you are not guilty, then you wouldn't need to write anything for this.  However, let's assume you did.  With the example with Mrs. Smith, you could write out that you were demonstrating indifference to your schoolwork, disrespect toward authority.  The root of this might be pride.  Or maybe there was fear of failure at it's base.  You need to ask the Lord to help you make that determination.  As you do several inventories, you might see a common theme in these.  None of us has many character defects.  One or two little character defects can be the root of many of our issues.  For me, it was fear.  This led to worry, distrust in the Lord, distrust of people, and all the problems and sins I committed as a result of that.  

     You probably have many events in your life that should be inventoried.  I have pages and pages of these in my journals.  In fact, now, every time I have a conflict, I do one of these.  Taking this big step now to inventory the events of your life will get you caught up to the present, so that when you do it later, it is just maintenance instead of a major step.  Looking at events in your life through the lens of an honest inventory helps you come to terms with the wrongs you suffered, and also helps you realize where you have sinned.  You recognize what is your "side of the street" and what isn't.  This is completely biblical.  Lamentations 3:40 says, Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.  If you need it, look at your list of accomplishments between each inventory, just as a reminder of the good God has used you to do.  We all need those reminders.  In fact, after Abraham Lincoln was shot, several news clippings were discovered in his pocket, all of which stated positive things about him and his leadership.  He needed that affirmation so badly as he fought the biggest battle in American history, as well as a big personal battle with the press belittling him much of the time.  It would be understandable why he would hang onto those positive clippings.  You need that affirmation too, as you fight your own battles.  Keep looking at those accomplishments.  

     Some other ways to minister to yourself as you do this is to write out scriptures that especially encourage you, maybe on index cards, and put them in places where you'll see them often.  Maybe you are a very organized person and prefer to keep the cards together, on your nightstand, so you can go over them when you get up or head to bed.  Or maybe you're like a friend of mine who taped them to her bathroom mirror.  Do what works for you.  Ask the Lord to give you scriptures to encourage you through this time.  A verse God gave to me during my inventory was Psalm 66:12b, We went through fire and through water; But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.

     Another thing that will help is to listen to Christian songs that speak to you.  When I was doing my inventories, I loved the songs Voice of Truth, by Casting Crowns, and Your Grace is Enough, by Chris Tomlin.  These songs contained the gentle reminders I needed.  Be good to yourself.  Find some songs that really speak to your spirit.  Make them part of your regular playlist.  

     Make sure you take time for fun, away from the deep thoughts.  You know what you enjoy.  Watch TV programs that make you laugh.  Read books you like.  Do activities you want to do.  I remember that on one of the most fun days from this time in my life, my accountability partner and I went for a drive up in the mountains near our town.  We went hiking, and she sang The Sound of Music, rivaling Julie Andrews.  We walked around a beautiful mountainside lake, talking about fun things in life, and about the Lord, but not about our inventories.  We had lunch at a little village café.  I have such fond thoughts and memories about that experience.  Here is a picture I took that day.  

     Once you have worked on your inventory, (with the help of the Holy Spirit), you should share it all with your mentor and/or accountability partner.  When I was going through this process. I met with my mentor every Wednesday afternoon for about 90 minutes, and we'd go over what I had inventoried in the past week.  Confession is good for the soul.  It is validating, especially if your mentor is someone who cheers you on in this journey.  You need to be acknowledging all of this to yourself, God, and someone you trust.  James 5:16 says, Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. 

     Take your time inventorying your life.  It originally took me months.  Keep it balanced, focusing on both good and bad things.  Be accountable to your mentor and accountability partner.  I recommend working on a little bit of it, and then sharing it with your mentor right away, rather than taking a long time to do it all on your own and then sharing.  You need that insight and help as you work through it.  As I said, I went over it with my mentor weekly.  

     Inventory is ongoing in life, but you will eventually get caught up to the present.  When this happens, it is time to consider the character defects you have become aware of in this process.  Are you prideful?  Unforgiving?  Fearful?  Angry?  Codependent?  Discontent?  Stubborn?  Something else?   Admit this to the Lord, and humbly ask Him to remove that character defect from your life.  Remember, you are neither better nor worse than the next person.  We all need God's grace, and we are all redeemable.  Your character defect doesn't define you, and is not the entirety of who you are.  

     There is a final step you can take, to give ultimate closure to your inventory.  After looking at the other person's sin, your possible part in it, and feeling all the emotions that go with that, you can write one final paragraph for each inventory.  This would be:

     Blessings: We know God works all things for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  It doesn't say all things are good.  Many of the situations you are inventorying aren't good at all.  But God can bring good out of them.  Has He brought any blessings into your life as a result of these difficulties?  As a possibility, having an unkind teacher like Mrs. Smith from the example I've been using could have made the person more compassionate toward others.  That would be a blessing.  Ask the Lord to show you His blessing in your situations.  Remember what Joseph said to his brothers, As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.  Genesis 50:20.

     Next time, I'm going to discuss what happens after you complete this step.  You are a victor, and you can begin living like one!  God has great things in store.  Stay tuned.  Today's topic was the hardest part!  It's all looking up from here!  I'm going to close with some phrases you can say to yourself to help you when you get bogged down doing an inventory: 

Easy does it.   

One day at a time.

People make mistakes, but people are not mistakes.

Do the next right thing.

God is faithful.

I have a lot to look forward to.

I'm doing my best, with God's help.

I'm not alone.

I'm on the road to recovery.

I'll do what I can.  God will do what I can't.

Don't quit before the miracle.

God never wastes a hurt.

Realize

     God's word tells us, You can't heal a wound by saying it's not there. (Jeremiah 6:14, TLB). We are all broken people, ravaged by the effects of sin (our own and others').  If we have been saved, Christ's victory is ours.  But how do we grab hold of that, and live it out?  

     The very first step is to face the denial we've been living in.  We humans are masters at denial--subconsciously repressing truths that seem too painful to face.  In the long run, though, denial creates more trouble than it solves.  Here are six results of denial:

1) We are enslaved 

     While they promise them liberty, they themselves are servants of corruption.  For of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he bought in bondage. Second Peter 2:19

2) Anxiety

     Why art thou cast down, O my soul?  and why art thou disquieted within me?  Psalm 42:5a

3)  Hinders Growth

     He that covered his sins shall not prosper...Proverbs 28:13

4)  Hurts our effectiveness for Christ

    God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth. First John 1:5b-6

5) Alienates us from others

     When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me; for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday.  Psalm 42:4

6) Prolongs the agony

     When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.  Psalm 32:3

     Remember, you are only as sick as your secrets.  We mistakenly believe that denial shields us from pain.  However it does just the opposite.  Check out what happens when we come out of denial and confess it: 

     ...whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy. Proverbs 28:13b

     One secret I used to have was that, in order to cope, I daily consumed 204 milligrams of caffeine.  Very few people see caffeine as a real problem, but for me, it was a coping mechanism.  The chemical addiction was real, as well as the association with feeling good inside.  I was pleasuring myself,  filling a void.  For me, caffeine was destructive.  For most, it isn't.  Another secret was that my emotional wellbeing was dependent on other people.  

     Your secret might be very different.  Here are some questions to consider:

     1) What are some things in your life you have control over?  Is it your time?  Your habits?  Your responses?  Food and drinking?  Relationships?  Or are some of those things beyond your control?  Think about that?  

     2) What are some things in your life you cannot control?  There are two categories here.  There are areas in life that you should control, but don't.  Maybe it is substance abuse.  Maybe it is unhealthy, enmeshed relationships.  Maybe it is out-of-control emotional responses.  Maybe it's something else entirely.  For all of that, there is hope.  There was for me.  It has been ten years since I had my last caffeine.  My wellbeing is now attached to my relationship with the Lord.  

    Also, though, there is a second category to consider as far as things you can't control.  There are some things in your life you were never meant to control, but might try to, such as other people, world events, or other situations where the buck doesn't stop with you.  Maybe you subconsciously see these things as an extension of yourself, like I have at different times.  Learning to let go of these things is the beginning of freedom.  

  

     Considering these questions, we must conclude that in certain areas, our lives are out of bounds and unmanageable.  We are not God.  We are incapable of controlling our tendency to do the wrong thing.  We are powerless, but we have a powerful God.

     The next few posts, I'm going to be building on this, working toward freedom and wholeness.  The first move is stepping out of denial into realization of the truth.  Psalm 51:6 says, Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts... John 8:32 says, And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.  

     Facing the truth can be scary.  I was worried I would discover terrible things about myself.  The truth is, the good you will discover far outweighs the uncomfortable parts.  You will see yourself as a beloved child of God, with strengths and gifts He wants to use for His kingdom.  You will revisit past hurts, and be able to grieve once and for all.  You will face some faults in yourself, and see how God can give you victory over them.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13.  

     Until next time, I'm going to give some food for thought, as well as some promises to get you through.  

     First, here are some questions to consider.  Try to be honest with yourself.  You might even want to write these out in a journal.  

1) As a child, what coping skill did you use to get attention or protect yourself?

2) In what ways have you succeeded and used your gifts?  In what ways have you struggled?

3) How do you handle pain and disappointment?  

4) Who or what do you resent? 

5) How have you tried to escape pain?  

6)  Where do you find hope? 

7) What do you believe about God?  What are some of His characteristics? 

8) How has relying on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) caused problems in your life?

9) What do you fear turning over to God?  

10) What is a major concern in your life right now?  

     I'll close with the promises.  These promises are only available to believers, so if you are a Christian, you can claim them.  

1) God's grace is enough for you (Second Corinthians 12:9)

2) God delights in you (Psalm 18:19)

3) Delighting in Him will bring your heart's desires (Psalm 37:4)

4) Your sins have been removed from you as far as the East is from the West (Psalm 103:12)

5) The best is yet to come  (First Corinthians 2:9)

6) Nothing can separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39)

7) You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13)

8) You are more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)

9) God will renew your strength (Isaiah 40:30-31)

10) God will continue the good work He began in you (Philippians 1:6)

Do All Dogs Go To Heaven?

      This is probably going to be my most controversial post to date, yet also my most benign.  This subject typically doesn't ruffle feathers, so even if you disagree with my conclusions, you probably won't be angry about it.  I am going to attempt to answer the question, do animals go to heaven?  Will we see our pets again?  I'll say up front that I'm going to stick with the Bible, and since the Bible doesn't give a simple, definitive answer about this, I'm not going to "prove" beyond all doubt, but I am going to build a case, and give some things to consider on this subject.  

I didn't have a high-quality photograph to upload and share of my childhood dog, but this looks almost exactly like our yellow lab April, who died when I was 25.

          When I was eleven years old, we got a puppy.  Since it was the month of April, we named her April (she was six weeks old, probably born in late February, but we named her April anyway).  She was a sweet yellow lab, very affectionate and playful.  The neighbor kids loved to come over and play with her.  As I struggled through my teen years, I would go out and tell April my problems, often laughing or crying as I petted her.  Even though she was an animal, not created in the image of God the way humans are, I felt a connection with another living thing.  It was cathartic to have that dog in my life.  When I went away to camp,  I always missed April the most (my parents wrote me letters, April didn't!).  When I moved out on my own, my parents kept April.  She lived until I was 25.  The day before she was put down, my parents had me over to spend time with her (she was very sick).  I cried and cried after she was dead.  I wanted very much to know she was in Heaven, that I would see her again.  That when I arrived in Heaven, she would run up and jump on me the way she had in life (I'm getting weepy just writing this!  Don't worry, it gets happier from here!).

     Anyone who has ever loved a pet has felt this way, I think.  I wouldn't own another pet for years.  I just couldn't handle losing it, not knowing if it was goodbye forever.  I still don't like movies with animals who die (such as Where the Red Fern Grows or Old Yeller).  My husband inherited a cat from a relative a few years ago, though, so now, we have a pet.  Our cat Tiger (whom we affectionately call Animal, after the Muppet character) is an addition to our family, and we love him.  He's a sweet cat, and loves to be petted.  I want him in Heaven too, with us and hopefully with April.  Also, please note that when I say Heaven, I am talking about our afterlife eternity as believers.  This includes both our immediate Heaven after death, where we'll be with the Lord and other believers, and the eventual new Earth, where we will be with Christ forever.  I'm lumping eternity together under the banner of Heaven, and am not distinguishing between all of that in this post.  

Our kitty, Tiger (AKA Animal).  Isn't he cute?

     Let's look at what the Bible says about animals.  Genesis 1 tells us that animals were created by God on the sixth day of creation.  They were not made in His image, the way people were (Genesis 1:27).  Genesis 2 says that the first man, Adam, named the animals.  They were meant as companions for him, but they didn't fill the void another human could fill.  That was when God created Eve for Adam, and that is another story.  Let's review: animals were created by God, are under people's dominion, company for people, but not the same way other humans are.  

     The Bible talks about animals in eternity.  Isaiah 65:25 says,  the wolf and the lamb shall graze together; the lion shall eat straw like an ox, and dust shall be the serpent's food.  They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain, says the Lord  We are shown that there will be animals in eternity from this and many other passages.  This begs the question, will they be the same animals as the ones we know?

     Job 12:7-10 gives some insight into the way God uses the animals: But ask the beasts, and they will teach you; the birds of the heavens, and they will tell you; or the bushes of the earth, and they will teach you; and the fish of the sea will declare to you. Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.  The animals are object lessons for us to see God at work.  They serve that purpose.  They also praise the Lord.  Psalm 150:6 says, Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.  If this passage were only speaking of people, it would have said let everyone that has breath praise the Lord, but it says thing.  The animals praise God.  They're being used by Him.  This is important to consider.

     When God sent the rainbow, promising to never again destroy the earth with a flood, he specifically said, Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your offspring after you, and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the livestock, and every beast of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark; it is for every beast of the earth. (Genesis 9:9-10).  God made His promise to people first and foremost, but also to the animals.  Also worthy of consideration.

     We know that creation was brought down by man's sin.  Humans are accountable for that.  Romans 5:12 says,  Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned.  Animals are not in God's image.  They are not as smart as humans.  They don't have the ability to think through decisions.  They are subject to instinct.  They can be trained, but they are not in the same category as humans, and it wouldn't appear from scripture that they are held accountable or considered sinful.  What is sad for the animals, they are subject to death because of man's sin.  So are the plants, and so are people.  Romans 8:19-22 tell us, For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.  We humans subjected creation--including the animals--to this fallen world and all that goes with it.  This passage also tells us that creation will be redeemed.  In Revelation 21:5, Jesus says, Behold, I am making all things new.  Could this mean that our animals will experience redemption beyond this life?  

     It is clear that, whether or not animals go to Heaven, they don't go to hell.  The Bible talks about hell as a place set aside for Satan and his demons, and, sadly, for those who reject Jesus and die in their sins (Revelation 20:7-15).  Not even the slightest implication that animals will go there.

     In conclusion, I ask again, will we see our animals with the Lord one day?  I'd like to believe so.  These passages give a lot of encouragement toward this possibility.  Animals were intentionally created by God, to serve His purposes.  God continually talks about redemption and restoration throughout scripture.  We know what God has for us is beyond our ability to fathom.  First Corinthians 2:9 gives a promise that I believe applies both to God's plan for us on earth, but also to our eternity.  No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.  

(In)Validated

     "It's just your imagination," the young handyman told me with a shrug as he left.  I was beyond frustrated.  I had just paid him $50 to fix my stove (there was a gas problem in the house).  His repairs had helped with about half the problem, but hadn't gotten to the root of it.  When I called him back over, he was dismissive, insisting I was imagining it.  Needless to say, I got a new handyman after that.  

     That experience reminded me of the 1944 movie Gaslight.  In this movie, a man tries to make his wife believe she is going insane by manipulating situations and slowly redefining her reality.  This is a very interesting psychological movie (plus, a teenage Angela Lansbury makes an appearance in a supporting role, if you're a fan like I am😀).  As a result of this movie, gaslighting has become a term used to refer to the phenomena when someone tries to manipulate the way another person experiences reality.  Another cinematic example of gaslighting was in the 2010 Disney animated movie Tangled.  In this story, Rapunzel is held hostage by the woman she assumes is her mother.  The mother keeps her there by telling Rapunzel how terrible the world is, and how Rapunzel is too naïve to understand.  The song Mother Knows Best is full of gaslighting comments, with her telling Rapunzel how unattractive and unequipped she is to leave the tower.  This is gaslighting at it's finest. 

Some examples of gaslighting

      Have you ever felt invalidated?  By that, I mean, have you ever felt that something or someone threatened your perception of reality, causing you to question your senses, sanity, or relationship with God?  I have!  The examples in the picture above are things we've probably all had said to us at one time or another.  The instance with the handyman was one of these times for me.  What do we do with that?  

     There are a lot of variables that might cause people to experience things differently.  Sometimes, there are completely innocent reasons.  Other times, there are darker, more sinister reasons.  The answer can also be somewhere in the middle. 

     One thing we need to recognize is that no two people experience something exactly the same way.  There are different points of view to take into account when two people's stories don't line up.  Many TV shows have had humorous episodes where the characters each share the same experience from a different point of view.  It's an old plot device, but usually very comical.  The person telling their story always makes themselves out to be perfect and good and the other people are seen as stupid or evil.  Of course, it changes when the next character tells his story.  We can't see inside someone else's mind or heart, so we don't know how they're internalizing it, or what the intentions are from their end.  It is easy to project our own motives onto them.   Sometimes, people remember details incorrectly or get mixed up.  A truly balanced person is open to hearing another person's side of it.  We need to recognize that we all see things slightly differently.  However, truth doesn't change.  The basic perspective can, but the actual happenings of the story shouldn't.  Just compare the four gospels.  All four tell the same stories, but include different details.  John's is the most different from the other three, but he still doesn't contradict what is recorded in Matthew, Mark and Luke.  

   On the other hand, there are times when people are genuinely gaslighting--changing the situation.  Trying to rewrite history.  Most of the time, people who do this are trying to save their own skin, avoid responsibility, or escape consequences.  This is very self-seeking.  However, even worse, some people gaslight in order to control and abuse the other person, much like in the movies I mentioned.  Regardless of the motive, it is abusive, and needs to be addressed.  Just to give an idea of how it happens, I'm going to share some examples I have experienced.  I'm sure you've experienced similar things, and maybe you will relate to my sharing.  I share to make points, not to complain or sound like a victim.  It is healing to share, and I hope you will be able to relate to my stories, and then be able to share your experiences as well (you're welcome to share them with me, in fact).  

     I grew up in a small Christian school.  I have mostly very happy memories, but there was a mean little clique of girls my age that I mostly avoided.  These girls were part of my school, church and community, and our parents were friends, so I couldn't completely avoid them.  I remember in first grade, one of these families was at our house.  The daughter and I were playing, actually having fun together for once.  I remarked about how we were having a good time.  This nasty little girl replied, "Too bad you're usually so mean.  You always say I'm ugly."  I was totally shocked by this.  I didn't ever remember calling her ugly.  I was stunned by her odd accusation, and didn't even have an answer.  She then just moved on back into the activity we were doing.  The moment passed before I could even respond.  That made me feel crazy inside.  I cannot prove her motive, but I believe she was playing a game with me.  

Me, as a little schoolgirl in the 80's.

    I worked with a woman in ministry who always seemed to have a different perspective than I had.  She adored people that I had a really hard time relating to.  That can happen.  We're all different and relate to different people.  But this woman went beyond simply relating to people I didn't.  She tried to rewrite experiences we were having.  We had some really difficult kids at camp one year, and she completely denied any problem, saying the most troublesome kids were so wonderful and nice.  This wasn't just believing the best about them.  She was denying there was a problem, and this kept us from being able to solve it.  I have no idea of her motive.  Maybe she just wasn't able to say anything negative about anyone.  Maybe she was playing games.  Maybe she truly didn't see what was happening.  But it made me question myself constantly.  I felt guilty for seeing the problem.  Not a pleasant feeling.  

     Probably the biggest experience of gaslighting I ever had: When I was a young adult, I had a very dysfunctional relationship with a manipulative man.  He hinted very strongly that he was interested in me.  He completely threw himself at me and created a lot of awkward situations.  He made a lot of sexual and marriage references that alternately made me horrified and excited.  He was a Christian guy and we met in a Christian context, so I questioned how well I was interpreting it, especially the sexual stuff (Surly he didn't mean it that way).  One time, he made a clumsy sexual advance, which I rejected.  He was very hurt and wouldn't even look at me for a long time after that.  Eventually, he came around and apologized, and, since I had initially liked him, I gave him another chance (Forgiveness was right, but giving him the chance for more manipulation wasn't healthy on my part).  He continued making sexual and marriage references, but they sounded a little more honorable by this time.  He would go back and forth, though, sometimes acting crazy about me, other times being distant.  It was a lot of mixed messages.  What did he want?  I finally called him on it and asked his intentions, telling him where I was at.  He acted all surprised and said he thought we were "just friends."  Seriously?  That was the last I heard from him.  While I can't claim to actually know his motives, I believe he was a scared rabbit who couldn't own up to his words and actions.  Throughout the entirety of this situation, everyone told me I was overreacting, and that he was godly, and I just had a dirty mind if I thought he meant anything less than honorable.  They even said "He's that way with everyone.  It doesn't mean anything."   I will say that he was very eccentric, and related oddly to everyone, but not to the degree he was relating to me, particularly not the sexual or marital stuff.  I never saw him romantically pursue other girls (if he had, I would never have looked at him twice).  Even supposing for a moment that he was that way with everyone, that was no reason to just excuse it.  No one should be acting that way, period.  When I confided in a few friends how uncomfortable I felt, they accused me of gossiping about a fellow Christian.  My concerns were shut down instantly, while his odd behavior was allowed to continue.  I tried harder, and went to two leaders.  One was very sweet, but told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill.  The other rebuked me, demanding how I dared to make ungodly assertions against this man, and that I was the bad one, not him.  I was deeply ashamed, and questioned my perception of reality.  This young man had gaslighted me, and so had everyone else who minimized and defended it.  Was I crazy?  Did I imagine it?  At the present, I know I didn't, but back then, this was something I had to work out in my own life, with the help of Christian counseling.  Sadly, I am not the only woman to be gas-lighted in a relationship like that.  

Me, college-aged, with some of the girls I did mission trips with.  I'm second from the right.  This was the context in which I met the dysfunctional guy.  Happily, I still had some great friends.  

     In a much less severe sense, I can think of another example of gaslighting in my life, and this is the only example that I know of where I can say beyond all doubt that the person wasn't trying to gaslight me.  One day many years ago, my brother and I went to the store together.  We were in my car, and I had a Christian bumper sticker.  As we got out, a man in the parking lot came over to us and asked, "Do you really believe what that bumper sticker says, that Jesus died for us?"  Surprised, I told him yes, I did.  He looked like he was going to cry, and said, "If you believe that, then I need you to pray for me.  God knows why."  And he walked off.  I immediately prayed for this man to find the answers he needed.  As soon as I finished, my brother said, "You know this guy was making fun of you, right?  He didn't really want prayer.  You fell for it."   I know my brother wasn't trying to manipulate or gaslight me, but it made me feel really hurt and stupid.  To this day, I don't believe the guy was making fun.  I believe he probably really did want prayer, but in either event, I think it was right to pray for him.  My brother is a Christian man, who just happens to be more guarded than I am.  He tends to question people's motives more deeply than I do.  That's how God made our personalities differently.  This experience made me question myself.  It wasn't a pleasant feeling.  

     I have had people project themselves onto me.  I had someone shouting at me once and telling me I was shouting at them as I just stared at them.  That's crazy.  It shows how far some people will go to absolve themselves of their own sin and put it onto others.  What's sad is that sometimes they even believe what they're saying, because they're so deluded.  I have even had someone relatively recently accuse me of rewriting history after reading something I had written about a situation we had both experienced.  This person perceived the situation differently than I did.  Was I gaslighting this person?  Not intentionally, though there was room to consider that we had different perceptions and didn't know each other's hearts in it.  Was this person trying to gaslight me?  I don't know.  Here are some steps to take when you feel like you are being gaslighted (intentionally or not--the person's motive doesn't matter, because you still feel the same way).

Step 1: Acknowledge what you see/experience.  Write it down, or tell someone.  At very least, acknowledge it to yourself.  For the example of the man in the parking lot who wanted prayer that my brother and I interpreted differently, I might say, "A man approached us, asking if we believe in Jesus as our bumper sticker indicates.  When I said yes, he looked like he might cry and asked for prayer,  then walked off."  I'm acknowledging the facts of the situation.  I don't know the man's motive.  I can't see that.  Neither can my brother.  For the other examples of gaslighting from my life that I shared, I would also write down the facts.  I don't know their motives, as I'll come back to, but I can make some educated guesses.  

Step 2: Consider a reasonable assumption. I believe it was reasonable to take the man in the parking lot at face value, that he was someone needing prayer.  That's an easy example.  For the other life-experiences I shared, more work might be involved in determining that, but it can be done (and has been done in my life).  

Step 3: Hear the other person's perception.  I am not suggesting you give up your view on the situation and agree with them.   Just hear them.  That's fair.   In the case with my brother, hearing him meant I heard and understood him saying that he believed the man was making fun of me and that I had fallen for it.  With my brother, I believe it truly was his perception.  With the others I mention, I don't know the truth of their heart, but I do know what they said.  Do this without reacting at first.  Then go on to step 4.

Step 4: Question the other person's perception.   This is where I really failed in this process, and my own healing was stunted because of it.  Questioning their perception means you are inquiring as to the logic behind what the other person is telling you.  Questions like, "Why do you think so?"  "When did this happen?"  "Can you give me an example?" might be appropriate.  Maybe they have a good reason for their perspective.  Maybe they don't.  Maybe their logic will win you over to their point of view.  Maybe it won't. Isaiah 1:18 says, Come, let us reason together.   As my husband often wisely reminds me, "Don't presume your innocence."  We need to be willing to ask and listen as to the other person's perception.  It is good to have a peaceable discussion, sharing each other's reasoning.  For the example with my brother, I didn't ask his reason for believing the man in the parking lot was making fun of me.  I just reacted in irritation.  I should have asked him why he thought that.  Maybe he saw something I didn't.  On the other hand, maybe I saw something he didn't, and I could win him over to my perspective.  In my other examples, it would have been very helpful for me to question the other person's perception.  I was only in first grade with the first example, but it would have been helpful to ask my mean little classmate, "When did I call you ugly?"  This would force her to come up with a fast answer to keep up the game, and, being a first-grader herself, she probably couldn't have.  It would have pulled her cover.  If I had questioned my ministry colleague as to why she presented people in the wrong as being wonderful, it might have given her a cause to actually analyze her own reasoning for saying that.  It could have led to a good discussion, and maybe even solved some of the problems.  As for the manipulative guy from my college years, I did tell him he had led me to believe we were quite a bit more than friends.  He never responded (I believe this was because he knew what I said was the truth, and he had no answer).  However, I wish I had actually questioned every single thing he had said and done, and asked him how this lined up with his claim of  "just friends." Again, I would be pulling his cover, instead of letting him play his game.  Proverbs 26:5 says, Answer a fool as his folly deserves, That he not be wise in his own eyes.

Step 5: Consider the other person's motives.  Matthew 10:16 says, Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.  One way of being wise means considering what someone's motives might be.  This can be done in discussion with the person, provided you completed step 4 peaceably with them.  More likely, if this person is an intentional gas-lighter, step 4 didn't go so well, so you'll have to actually sort it out yourself.  You basically create a court of law in your mind, and present evidence to yourself.  Remind yourself of what you stated in step one, the facts as you saw them.  Then ask yourself, What did the person have to gain by making the claim they did?  In the situation in the store parking lot, I happen to know my brother's motive was simply to avoid being taken advantage of.  He didn't want to be played for the fool.  That was his motive.  While considering that, I can understand the feeling.  I don't want to either.  That still doesn't mean he was correct, but it does mean that his motive was simply to avoid being made ridiculous.   In the other three situations I shared, I don't know their motives beyond all doubt, because I never asked them, and I don't know them as well as I know my brother.  I can come up with some educated guesses, though.  Thinking these things through involves being willing to play the devil's advocate with your own views a little bit.  Ask if their motive could make sense.  The little girl in first grade who told me I called her ugly was almost certainly being mean and manipulative.  Is there another possibility?  Could I have said something that she misconstrued as me calling her ugly?  Possibly, but not likely, since she said it in present tense, as if it was an ongoing thing, and I didn't have any recollection of saying it.  Also, she had a history and even a reputation in our school of being mean.  So, I conclude that her motive was manipulation.  As for the ministry colleague who believed the best about problem people, she is the hardest for me to guess at.  She could have been playing games, but it is very possible she just saw everything through rose-colored glasses.  I believe it was a combination of that and a desire for control.  I think her desire was actually noble, because she wanted to control in order to create a perfect experience for herself and all involved.  It just wasn't realistic.  For the college guy, I believe he had been interested in me, but lust and instant gratification were the real motivations behind everything he had done.  No real plan.  I believe his denial of everything had been motivated by fear, and the realization he had started something he wasn't ready to live up to.  Was there another possibility?  Could I have mistaken his odd personality for interest in me?  I have been over that situation with a fine-toothed comb.  If he had just been strange, even a little flirty, I still wouldn't have read too much into it.  He actually spoke of me as his future wife, and did and said all manner of other things along those lines.  When I rejected his advances, he didn't just laugh it off, as someone would do if they had just been kidding around.  He took it as a serious rejection and was ashamed to look at me.  The evidence leads me to the conclusions I have stated.  In your own situations, considering the other person's motive will be helpful.  .

Step 6: Ask God to reveal the truth to you.  Psalm 139:23-24 tell us, Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Ask God to show you ways you may be wrong.  That is a humbling thing to consider your own shortcomings in a situation, but it is the only way to be free.  On the other hand, maybe you aren't wrong.  You need God's wisdom to know.  In the specific experiences I've shared, God hasn't shown me that I was wrong in my perception, but He has shown me certain ways I might have contributed to the situation.  This is particularly true with the young man.  I should have steered clear of him after he overstepped bounds.  I could have avoided a lot of trouble.  Overall, I have often taken other people (including gas-lighters) too seriously, and have let them manipulate my thinking.  This is why God's perspective is vital.  Regardless, you should want to know the truth. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a key scripture to consider when seeking the truth: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your own understand, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  God will guide you to in determining the truth. Jesus is the truth (John 14:6).  He said in John 8:32, You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.  God wants you to operate in the truth.  Some things don't make sense to us, but ask God for His perspective.  Ask Him what He would have you do moving forward.  He always reveals His leading to those who seek it.  I love Second Corinthians 4:8 TLB.  ...We are perplexed because we don't know why things happen as they do, but we don't give up and quit.  God will help you move forward in victory from confusing, invalidating situations.  

Step 7: Draw your conclusions using the available evidence and the brain God gave you.  After seeking the Lord and evaluating the available evidence, decide what you believe and stick with it, unless other evidence to the contrary turns up.  Don't let gas-lighters (even well-meaning, unintentional gas-lighters) deter you.  When trying to figure things out and sort out what you believe, it's okay to ask other wise people for advice and for their perspective.  In the situation in the parking lot, there really wasn't another person who observed it who could help me.  We just had to move on from that.  If it still bothered me later on, I could go to a mentor I trust and explain the whole situation and ask for their advice, but that isn't quite the same as someone seeing it for themselves.  Once you've drawn your conclusions Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity. (Psalm 37:1).  

Step 8: Remove yourself from the gas-lighter(s).  Very fortunately, my experience with the manipulative young man as a college student happened before the advent of social media.  Email existed, though (it was relatively new), and I had to change my email address.  This kept the gossip (gas-lighting gossip) about the situation at bay, and let me move on with my life, away from unhealthy people.  Create a safe environment for yourself.  Surround yourself with godly people who remind you of the truth, hold you accountable, and encourage you to be the best you can in Christ.  

Step 9: Realize God is on your side.  Psalm 118:6 says, The Lord is on my side, I will not fear; what can man do unto me?  As you determine your conclusions about the invalidating situation, and make the choice to move forward with God's help, know that God is on your side, and there is nothing the gas-lighters can do to you.  God is working for your good (Romans 8:28).  He wants that for the gas-lighter too, but it's up to them to turn to Him.  That isn't on you.  

Finally, Step 10: Know that one day, the truth will be revealed once and for all.  One day, God's perfect justice will reign.  Luke 12:2 says, For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed;  neither hid, that shall not be known.  Gas-lighters will face a Righteous Judge and give an account of themselves.  If you were in the right, he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday. (Psalm 37:6).  I love the Serenity prayer.  Many people are familiar with the first part, but not the whole thing.  I'm going to quote it, but underline the part I want to emphasize: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next.  Amen."  God will make all things right if we surrender to Him.