In the last two posts, I have talked about coming out of denial and into God's grace. We've discussed doing an inventory of the major events of your life, coming to terms with other people's sins against you, as well as your own sins. We've talked about confessing your sins to yourself, God, and a mentor or accountability partner. We addressed the great importance of a support team. This is the conclusion to a three-part series. I've you've missed the first two, go read them first and then return to this one. These previous posts are: Realize, published on November 16, 2020 and Inventory, published November 19, 2020. I highly recommend you read those before moving on, because what comes next won't make sense otherwise.
You have done something very difficult. You have inventoried your life. Now that you've done that and come out on the other side, you are a victor. You have faced yourself. So many people never do that. Once you face yourself, you will like and respect yourself, realizing where you are really wrong, and where you are not. It helps you take real responsibility when you need to, but not to take false blame from those who would just throw it on you. The lines aren't so fuzzy anymore. You won't feel defensive when people point out your faults, because you're already aware of them. You'll be able to say, "Yes, I am very prideful sometimes. I'm working on that," rather than being defensive and trying to prove to the person why they're wrong and you're not prideful. Their assertions won't make you feel badly about yourself. You'll also know that the trait they're mentioning about you isn't the entirety of who you are. It isn't what defines you. It's simply something in your life you're working on, just like everyone has things they need to work on. If their accusation about you is totally baseless, you'll know that as well, because you're already deeply acquainted with your strengths and weaknesses. The long and short of it is that people won't have as much power to hurt or offend you.
There are still a few pieces of business. As a spiritual victor, you will be able to do these things. Look how far you've already come!
The first thing is to forgive those who have hurt you. You have experienced some real wounding, and through this process, you have faced that. It's time to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean rebuilt trust (that may or may not happen). Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean a restored relationship. Forgiveness means that you are releasing that person off your hook and putting them on God's. Give up your right to get even, and leave place for God's wrath. Romans 12:19 says, Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord. Forgiveness says more about your trust in God to make all things right than it says about your belief in the other person. Don't make a peace treaty with hate and resentment. Those feelings might crop up. You're only human. But don't accept them or dwell on them. Every time a hateful thought about the person pops up in your mind, give it back to God. Ask Him to heal your emotions as you choose forgiveness. One thing that helps me with people I am trying to forgive is praying for them. Jesus told us to pray for our enemies (Luke 6:28). Forgiveness can be a journey, but you are only responsible for taking that first step. God will do the work in your heart.
The second order of business is to make amends. In your inventory, you probably identified times you were wrong. Sometimes, you were largely at fault. Other times, hardly at all. But most of the time, you played some part in the problem. You bare some of the responsibility. It is time to go make it right with those you sinned against. You should make amends to others whenever possible, but there are exceptions.
The first exception is, obviously, if the person is deceased, or you have no way of reaching them. In those cases, write them a letter that you will just keep. Express your regret. If you can, visit their grave and read the letter aloud. That is for you, not them. If you can't visit a grave, read your letter to an empty chair and imagine the person sitting there.
The second exception to making amends is if doing so would harm the person, yourself, or someone else. It might be uncomfortable in any event, but that in itself isn't a reason to avoid it. Here are some examples of times it might be harmful to make amends with the person. If you bare about 5% of the blame in a situation with a very cruel, cutting person who has been hurtful, reaching out to them to make your 5% right could be harmful to your own recovery. Not everyone is a safe person. Not everyone wants to be at peace with you. Also, in a situation where a person doesn't know you sinned against them, confessing it to them would only harm them. You wouldn't want to ever tell someone, I lied when I said I liked how you looked in that sweater. You actually looked terrible in it. Will you forgive me for lying to you? I once received a letter from someone, asking me to forgive them for thinking I was inferior to them. I could have done without knowing they were thinking that about me. Their confession did nothing but hurt me. Please don't confess your sinful thoughts to people. They'd rather be in ignorant bliss in those cases, trust me. I've shared this story before, but when I was in high school, my pastor's wife used to tell us about a time at a previous church when a woman came up to her after the service and gave her a hug and said, "I've hated you for so long, but God convicted me today, and now I want to be friends." The pastor's wife had thought this woman was her friend. The woman was so happy, getting it off her chest and moving forward, but our pastor's wife was devastated. Keep these types of sins between yourself and God (and your mentor). I once got into a very tangled situation with very tender feelings involved. I wasn't even certain I had sinned (that's how tangled it was), but in any event, going to the person would have hurt some very tender feelings, and reopened wounds. In that case, it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. You might need God's guidance or your mentor's advice to determine if making amends would be wise in a given situation.
Barring the reasons I gave, making amends is the right thing to do. I remember in junior high, I had a girl write me a letter, apologizing to me for snubbing me. She confessed that she felt badly about it, and that she appreciated me and wanted to be friends. It was one of the nicest, most appreciated letters I ever received, and it showed true humility on the part of the sender. God used it to really encourage me. Very few people I have known in my adult life are as mature or responsible as this girl in junior high was. The longer I live, the more impressed I am that someone that young could make such a healthy amends.
This is where a lot of people stop the healing process. They went through all that hard work of doing an inventory, and then they didn't make it right with others. It is so important to do so. Matthew 5:23-24 says, Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to him: then come and offer your gift. Reconciliation is more important than service and sacrifice. Jesus said in Matthew 5:9, Blessed are the peacemakers.
The hardest and most humbling part is that, while you make amends for your part, the other person might not. They probably aren't as healthy as you have become. They probably haven't done an inventory. They might accept your apology graciously and thank you, but still might not apologize for their part. You can't demand that. It is very humbling, but you are there to make your part right, not to lecture them or try to manipulate an apology from them. I have tried to manipulate others into apologies before, and it didn't bring any satisfaction. Remember, apologies have to be heartfelt, not forced. Otherwise, they're not real. You can't control anyone but yourself. Do your part, and leave the rest in God's hands. The other person just might feel led to apologize to you after all. The worst scenarios are when the person doesn't think your apology goes far enough. They might try to pin their sin onto you, or tear you down. They might just want to revisit the sin you are confessing and make you feel worse about it. Don't accept any of this. Just stick to your own part, then leave. Making amends may or may not lead to total reconciliation in the relationship.
What goes into an amends? Is it just saying sorry? That's a start. Here is what it should look like: You acknowledge what your part was (not their part). You've already done that on your inventory. Tell the person what your part was, apologize, and ask them to forgive you. If you have a continued relationship with the person, let them see you are changed. Whether they forgive you or not, it's not on you anymore. It's on them. You'll have done the right thing, and can move on in victory. Here's an example of an amends: Susan, when we were teaching Sunday school together, I never let you do the Bible lesson, even though you asked to. That was possessive of me. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. Will you please forgive me? Maybe Susan was irresponsible with her part of the class, and let you down on multiple occasions. You aren't owning that. You are just owning your part, being possessive. Incidentally, in a situation like that, you could have allowed Susan to teach, but come prepared with a lesson in case she flaked out. That isn't the point here, though.
Amends is the last really big step in this process. After that, you are going to move forward in maintaining your healing. Continue being accountable to God and others. Take personal inventory daily, and when you're wrong, promptly admit it. Develop the reputation as someone who keeps short accounts and humbly makes things right. You will gain a lot of people's respect and trust.
True story. I once handled a situation badly at work. It led to a big confrontation and several people being upset with me. I knew I wasn't 100% at fault, but I was in recovery by this point in life, and I made amends with everyone involved the next day. I made my part right. All but one person forgave me instantly. The big boss saw this, and within a month, I was promoted. They had seen I wasn't perfect, but they saw me take responsibility. This made a big impression, and led to good things for me. It also helped me be a testimony, because everyone knew I was a Christian. This was probably even more powerful to them then if I had never erred.
Watch our for a relapse. Old habits die hard, and we can all fall back into old patterns. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall. First Corinthians 10:12. God is there to help you, and so are the other people you've let into your life. If you're struggling, pick up the phone and call someone. Continue to take daily time with the Lord in Bible reading and prayer. Listen to that Christian music that blesses you. Be regular in church. Continue everything that enforces the truth to you. Let the message of Christ dwell in you richly. Colossians 3:16.
God wants to use you and your testimony to help others. A mentor I had years ago used to always say, "God is very economical." God will get so much use out of your pain. Another phrase I like is, "God never wastes a hurt." God wants to use you to share your story, both of your struggles and of your victory, so others can receive the help God provided for you. Second Corinthians 1:4 tells us, Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. Unhealthy people might try to silence you. Maybe your story scares them, because it reminds them that they, too, have things to deal with, and they don't want to face it. Some people really feel vulnerability is inappropriate. I have faced this, sometimes from people I admire greatly. But you can't let that stop you from sharing what you have experienced, and what God has done in your life. Sharing is not only helpful to others, but is also part of your own ongoing healing. Don't constantly dwell on your past, but share it when God gives you an opportunity. In Luke 8:39, Jesus said, Return home and tell how much God has done for you.
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| Your story is the key that can unlock someone else's prison. Share your testimony. |
So concludes my three-part series of getting out of denial and finding healing in God's grace. If you'd like more on this subject (there are a lot of details I could flesh out), let me know. God richly bless you today! See you next time!
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