Inventory

      In my last post, Realize, November 16, 2020,  I discussed coming out of denial and embracing God's truth about who you are in Him, and how you can live in that truth.  If you've not read it, I recommend you go back and so so, then return to this one.  We'll wait for you 😉.  You can read this as is, but it will mean more with the backdrop of the last post.  

     This time, we're going to talk about the tools that will help you heal and cope.  Following these principles is a guaranteed victory!

     The first thing you need in your life is a support system.  This will keep you moving forward and help you guard against relapse into denial and destructive habits that you are trying to break out of.  You need a mentor, as well as at least one accountability partner.  To explain the difference between and mentor and an accountability partner, I'll draw a parallel to sports.  Your mentor would be your coach, and your accountability partner(s) would be your teammate(s).  We were never meant to go it alone.  Not only will these people encourage you to do right and hold you accountable, but they will also validate you as they share their own struggles and battles.  You will see you're not alone.  You are not worse than anyone else.  You're in it together.  That makes a huge difference in your outlook.  From the beginning, God made it clear that humans need each other.  It is not good that the man should be alone...Genesis 2:18.  Galatians 6:2 says, Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  Believers should be doing this for each other.  

     When selecting people to be these roles in your life, prayerfully consider who this person is to you, how you relate, and what kind of impact they could have.  There isn't a one-size-fits-all deal.  I have two wonderful mentors, but if you met them, they might not be suited to be your mentors.  You might have different needs and expectations than I do.  Ask God to lead you to the right one.  Here are some questions for consideration.

1) Does this person's walk match their talk?

2) Does this person have a growing relationship with the Lord?

3) Does this person show compassion and hope, but not pity?

4) Is this person a good listener?

5) Is this person strong enough to hold you accountable when needed?

6) Is this someone you are comfortable being accountable to?  

7) Does this person share their own struggles with others?  

    I'll hasten to add that a mentor should be the same sex as you.  For the type of vulnerability you will be having in this relationship, opposite sex mentorship would be very unhealthy and could lead to a bad situation.

     On a smaller scale, you can ask the same questions about an accountability partner.  You want a trustworthy Christian person you feel comfortable with.  Ask God for people who bring out the best in you.  I once had a very good friend whom I considered an accountability partner, but we really just had a very emotional, codependent friendship that brought out the worst in us both.  You don't want that.  

     These people will help you, and reinforce the truth of God.  However, God is your healer, and He will help you as you take a personal inventory of your life.  

     What is an inventory?  It is an honest look.  I have shared a little bit about this in my September 10, 2020 post, In the Presence of my Enemies.  This tool can help sort out problems in a very organized way.  It has been very helpful to me.  

     You are going to take stock of your life.  You are going to ask the Lord to reveal what you need to work through.  You will do a separate inventory for every major event in your life.  You can do a lot more detail than I'm going to describe.  These are the basic bare bones.  

     Before you start, write out a list of the good things you have done in your life.  Things you are pleased about.  Things you know God has used.  This will give you the right perspective to do a balanced inventory.  It can be easy to be down on yourself, so start with the positives.  After you have done that, go into doing inventories about the events in life.  

    You need a piece of paper and a pen.  You can either do this as separate paragraphs, or dividing the paper into columns.  I'm going to describe it as paragraphs, but you can do it in any way that is understandable to you.  

     Person: First, write out the name of the person or people who hurt you in a specific event.  It might be a parent or other relative, a friend, a bully, a teacher, a significant other, a boss or coworker.  Write their name out, then start a new paragraph (I know a name isn't a paragraph!).  Example: Mrs. Smith (fifth grade teacher)

    Cause: In the next paragraph, write out the cause.  That is, what the person did to you.  Be very specific.  Write out the facts.  At this step, you wouldn't write out the emotions associated with it.  That comes later. Following the made-up example from above about Mrs. Smith, you might write: ridiculed me in front of the class for failing a spelling test.  Showed favoritism toward kids who got better grades.  Wouldn't let me make up a failed assignment, when she allowed others to do so. 

     Effect: In the next paragraph, write out what effect, that action had on your life.  Example: After being ridiculed by Mrs. Smith, I felt stupid and ashamed.  I stopped trying in school and got poor grades.  I didn't get good enough grades to get into a good college and have really struggled professionally.  

     Damage: In the next paragraph, write out the damage.  This means, how did this person's action damage your basic social, security and/or sexual instincts?  Example: Mrs. Smith's actions affected me socially.  I was the laughing stalk of the class, and had a hard time being confidant and making friends.  

     My Part: So far, you have looked at the other person's sin.  How their sin affected you.  Now, it's time to take responsibility for your part.  It is rare that anyone is 100% innocent in a conflict.  It can happen, especially in cases of child abuse.  However, in almost every conflict, there is some fault on both sides.  It may be 50/50.  It may be 90/10.  It could be 99/1.  But it's time to determine your part.  Pray for God to make you completely honest about admitting your own fault.  By admitting your own shortcomings and sins, you are not excusing the other person's wrongs.  You are not taking responsibility for their wrongs, only your own.  In the pretend example I've been using about the teacher, a person might conclude that their part is: At the beginning of that school year, I slacked off and didn't pay attention.  I was disrespectful to Mrs. Smith when she asked me to buckle down and try.  In admitting that, you are neither excusing nor taking blame for Mrs. Smith's rude treatment of you.  But you are admitting you weren't perfect either, and that you played a part in it.  If you received neglect, indifference, violence or sexual abuse, you can write Not Guilty in this paragraph, because you did not play a part in this.  There are situations you'll find where you bear no blame. If all your inventories come out as you being not guilty, though, I'd prayerfully consider how honest you are being with yourself. 

     Character Defect: As part of the same paragraph, you can write out the question: What character defect did I demonstrate?  If you are not guilty, then you wouldn't need to write anything for this.  However, let's assume you did.  With the example with Mrs. Smith, you could write out that you were demonstrating indifference to your schoolwork, disrespect toward authority.  The root of this might be pride.  Or maybe there was fear of failure at it's base.  You need to ask the Lord to help you make that determination.  As you do several inventories, you might see a common theme in these.  None of us has many character defects.  One or two little character defects can be the root of many of our issues.  For me, it was fear.  This led to worry, distrust in the Lord, distrust of people, and all the problems and sins I committed as a result of that.  

     You probably have many events in your life that should be inventoried.  I have pages and pages of these in my journals.  In fact, now, every time I have a conflict, I do one of these.  Taking this big step now to inventory the events of your life will get you caught up to the present, so that when you do it later, it is just maintenance instead of a major step.  Looking at events in your life through the lens of an honest inventory helps you come to terms with the wrongs you suffered, and also helps you realize where you have sinned.  You recognize what is your "side of the street" and what isn't.  This is completely biblical.  Lamentations 3:40 says, Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.  If you need it, look at your list of accomplishments between each inventory, just as a reminder of the good God has used you to do.  We all need those reminders.  In fact, after Abraham Lincoln was shot, several news clippings were discovered in his pocket, all of which stated positive things about him and his leadership.  He needed that affirmation so badly as he fought the biggest battle in American history, as well as a big personal battle with the press belittling him much of the time.  It would be understandable why he would hang onto those positive clippings.  You need that affirmation too, as you fight your own battles.  Keep looking at those accomplishments.  

     Some other ways to minister to yourself as you do this is to write out scriptures that especially encourage you, maybe on index cards, and put them in places where you'll see them often.  Maybe you are a very organized person and prefer to keep the cards together, on your nightstand, so you can go over them when you get up or head to bed.  Or maybe you're like a friend of mine who taped them to her bathroom mirror.  Do what works for you.  Ask the Lord to give you scriptures to encourage you through this time.  A verse God gave to me during my inventory was Psalm 66:12b, We went through fire and through water; But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.

     Another thing that will help is to listen to Christian songs that speak to you.  When I was doing my inventories, I loved the songs Voice of Truth, by Casting Crowns, and Your Grace is Enough, by Chris Tomlin.  These songs contained the gentle reminders I needed.  Be good to yourself.  Find some songs that really speak to your spirit.  Make them part of your regular playlist.  

     Make sure you take time for fun, away from the deep thoughts.  You know what you enjoy.  Watch TV programs that make you laugh.  Read books you like.  Do activities you want to do.  I remember that on one of the most fun days from this time in my life, my accountability partner and I went for a drive up in the mountains near our town.  We went hiking, and she sang The Sound of Music, rivaling Julie Andrews.  We walked around a beautiful mountainside lake, talking about fun things in life, and about the Lord, but not about our inventories.  We had lunch at a little village café.  I have such fond thoughts and memories about that experience.  Here is a picture I took that day.  

     Once you have worked on your inventory, (with the help of the Holy Spirit), you should share it all with your mentor and/or accountability partner.  When I was going through this process. I met with my mentor every Wednesday afternoon for about 90 minutes, and we'd go over what I had inventoried in the past week.  Confession is good for the soul.  It is validating, especially if your mentor is someone who cheers you on in this journey.  You need to be acknowledging all of this to yourself, God, and someone you trust.  James 5:16 says, Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. 

     Take your time inventorying your life.  It originally took me months.  Keep it balanced, focusing on both good and bad things.  Be accountable to your mentor and accountability partner.  I recommend working on a little bit of it, and then sharing it with your mentor right away, rather than taking a long time to do it all on your own and then sharing.  You need that insight and help as you work through it.  As I said, I went over it with my mentor weekly.  

     Inventory is ongoing in life, but you will eventually get caught up to the present.  When this happens, it is time to consider the character defects you have become aware of in this process.  Are you prideful?  Unforgiving?  Fearful?  Angry?  Codependent?  Discontent?  Stubborn?  Something else?   Admit this to the Lord, and humbly ask Him to remove that character defect from your life.  Remember, you are neither better nor worse than the next person.  We all need God's grace, and we are all redeemable.  Your character defect doesn't define you, and is not the entirety of who you are.  

     There is a final step you can take, to give ultimate closure to your inventory.  After looking at the other person's sin, your possible part in it, and feeling all the emotions that go with that, you can write one final paragraph for each inventory.  This would be:

     Blessings: We know God works all things for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28).  It doesn't say all things are good.  Many of the situations you are inventorying aren't good at all.  But God can bring good out of them.  Has He brought any blessings into your life as a result of these difficulties?  As a possibility, having an unkind teacher like Mrs. Smith from the example I've been using could have made the person more compassionate toward others.  That would be a blessing.  Ask the Lord to show you His blessing in your situations.  Remember what Joseph said to his brothers, As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.  Genesis 50:20.

     Next time, I'm going to discuss what happens after you complete this step.  You are a victor, and you can begin living like one!  God has great things in store.  Stay tuned.  Today's topic was the hardest part!  It's all looking up from here!  I'm going to close with some phrases you can say to yourself to help you when you get bogged down doing an inventory: 

Easy does it.   

One day at a time.

People make mistakes, but people are not mistakes.

Do the next right thing.

God is faithful.

I have a lot to look forward to.

I'm doing my best, with God's help.

I'm not alone.

I'm on the road to recovery.

I'll do what I can.  God will do what I can't.

Don't quit before the miracle.

God never wastes a hurt.