(In)Validated

     "It's just your imagination," the young handyman told me with a shrug as he left.  I was beyond frustrated.  I had just paid him $50 to fix my stove (there was a gas problem in the house).  His repairs had helped with about half the problem, but hadn't gotten to the root of it.  When I called him back over, he was dismissive, insisting I was imagining it.  Needless to say, I got a new handyman after that.  

     That experience reminded me of the 1944 movie Gaslight.  In this movie, a man tries to make his wife believe she is going insane by manipulating situations and slowly redefining her reality.  This is a very interesting psychological movie (plus, a teenage Angela Lansbury makes an appearance in a supporting role, if you're a fan like I am😀).  As a result of this movie, gaslighting has become a term used to refer to the phenomena when someone tries to manipulate the way another person experiences reality.  Another cinematic example of gaslighting was in the 2010 Disney animated movie Tangled.  In this story, Rapunzel is held hostage by the woman she assumes is her mother.  The mother keeps her there by telling Rapunzel how terrible the world is, and how Rapunzel is too naïve to understand.  The song Mother Knows Best is full of gaslighting comments, with her telling Rapunzel how unattractive and unequipped she is to leave the tower.  This is gaslighting at it's finest. 

Some examples of gaslighting

      Have you ever felt invalidated?  By that, I mean, have you ever felt that something or someone threatened your perception of reality, causing you to question your senses, sanity, or relationship with God?  I have!  The examples in the picture above are things we've probably all had said to us at one time or another.  The instance with the handyman was one of these times for me.  What do we do with that?  

     There are a lot of variables that might cause people to experience things differently.  Sometimes, there are completely innocent reasons.  Other times, there are darker, more sinister reasons.  The answer can also be somewhere in the middle. 

     One thing we need to recognize is that no two people experience something exactly the same way.  There are different points of view to take into account when two people's stories don't line up.  Many TV shows have had humorous episodes where the characters each share the same experience from a different point of view.  It's an old plot device, but usually very comical.  The person telling their story always makes themselves out to be perfect and good and the other people are seen as stupid or evil.  Of course, it changes when the next character tells his story.  We can't see inside someone else's mind or heart, so we don't know how they're internalizing it, or what the intentions are from their end.  It is easy to project our own motives onto them.   Sometimes, people remember details incorrectly or get mixed up.  A truly balanced person is open to hearing another person's side of it.  We need to recognize that we all see things slightly differently.  However, truth doesn't change.  The basic perspective can, but the actual happenings of the story shouldn't.  Just compare the four gospels.  All four tell the same stories, but include different details.  John's is the most different from the other three, but he still doesn't contradict what is recorded in Matthew, Mark and Luke.  

   On the other hand, there are times when people are genuinely gaslighting--changing the situation.  Trying to rewrite history.  Most of the time, people who do this are trying to save their own skin, avoid responsibility, or escape consequences.  This is very self-seeking.  However, even worse, some people gaslight in order to control and abuse the other person, much like in the movies I mentioned.  Regardless of the motive, it is abusive, and needs to be addressed.  Just to give an idea of how it happens, I'm going to share some examples I have experienced.  I'm sure you've experienced similar things, and maybe you will relate to my sharing.  I share to make points, not to complain or sound like a victim.  It is healing to share, and I hope you will be able to relate to my stories, and then be able to share your experiences as well (you're welcome to share them with me, in fact).  

     I grew up in a small Christian school.  I have mostly very happy memories, but there was a mean little clique of girls my age that I mostly avoided.  These girls were part of my school, church and community, and our parents were friends, so I couldn't completely avoid them.  I remember in first grade, one of these families was at our house.  The daughter and I were playing, actually having fun together for once.  I remarked about how we were having a good time.  This nasty little girl replied, "Too bad you're usually so mean.  You always say I'm ugly."  I was totally shocked by this.  I didn't ever remember calling her ugly.  I was stunned by her odd accusation, and didn't even have an answer.  She then just moved on back into the activity we were doing.  The moment passed before I could even respond.  That made me feel crazy inside.  I cannot prove her motive, but I believe she was playing a game with me.  

Me, as a little schoolgirl in the 80's.

    I worked with a woman in ministry who always seemed to have a different perspective than I had.  She adored people that I had a really hard time relating to.  That can happen.  We're all different and relate to different people.  But this woman went beyond simply relating to people I didn't.  She tried to rewrite experiences we were having.  We had some really difficult kids at camp one year, and she completely denied any problem, saying the most troublesome kids were so wonderful and nice.  This wasn't just believing the best about them.  She was denying there was a problem, and this kept us from being able to solve it.  I have no idea of her motive.  Maybe she just wasn't able to say anything negative about anyone.  Maybe she was playing games.  Maybe she truly didn't see what was happening.  But it made me question myself constantly.  I felt guilty for seeing the problem.  Not a pleasant feeling.  

     Probably the biggest experience of gaslighting I ever had: When I was a young adult, I had a very dysfunctional relationship with a manipulative man.  He hinted very strongly that he was interested in me.  He completely threw himself at me and created a lot of awkward situations.  He made a lot of sexual and marriage references that alternately made me horrified and excited.  He was a Christian guy and we met in a Christian context, so I questioned how well I was interpreting it, especially the sexual stuff (Surly he didn't mean it that way).  One time, he made a clumsy sexual advance, which I rejected.  He was very hurt and wouldn't even look at me for a long time after that.  Eventually, he came around and apologized, and, since I had initially liked him, I gave him another chance (Forgiveness was right, but giving him the chance for more manipulation wasn't healthy on my part).  He continued making sexual and marriage references, but they sounded a little more honorable by this time.  He would go back and forth, though, sometimes acting crazy about me, other times being distant.  It was a lot of mixed messages.  What did he want?  I finally called him on it and asked his intentions, telling him where I was at.  He acted all surprised and said he thought we were "just friends."  Seriously?  That was the last I heard from him.  While I can't claim to actually know his motives, I believe he was a scared rabbit who couldn't own up to his words and actions.  Throughout the entirety of this situation, everyone told me I was overreacting, and that he was godly, and I just had a dirty mind if I thought he meant anything less than honorable.  They even said "He's that way with everyone.  It doesn't mean anything."   I will say that he was very eccentric, and related oddly to everyone, but not to the degree he was relating to me, particularly not the sexual or marital stuff.  I never saw him romantically pursue other girls (if he had, I would never have looked at him twice).  Even supposing for a moment that he was that way with everyone, that was no reason to just excuse it.  No one should be acting that way, period.  When I confided in a few friends how uncomfortable I felt, they accused me of gossiping about a fellow Christian.  My concerns were shut down instantly, while his odd behavior was allowed to continue.  I tried harder, and went to two leaders.  One was very sweet, but told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill.  The other rebuked me, demanding how I dared to make ungodly assertions against this man, and that I was the bad one, not him.  I was deeply ashamed, and questioned my perception of reality.  This young man had gaslighted me, and so had everyone else who minimized and defended it.  Was I crazy?  Did I imagine it?  At the present, I know I didn't, but back then, this was something I had to work out in my own life, with the help of Christian counseling.  Sadly, I am not the only woman to be gas-lighted in a relationship like that.  

Me, college-aged, with some of the girls I did mission trips with.  I'm second from the right.  This was the context in which I met the dysfunctional guy.  Happily, I still had some great friends.  

     In a much less severe sense, I can think of another example of gaslighting in my life, and this is the only example that I know of where I can say beyond all doubt that the person wasn't trying to gaslight me.  One day many years ago, my brother and I went to the store together.  We were in my car, and I had a Christian bumper sticker.  As we got out, a man in the parking lot came over to us and asked, "Do you really believe what that bumper sticker says, that Jesus died for us?"  Surprised, I told him yes, I did.  He looked like he was going to cry, and said, "If you believe that, then I need you to pray for me.  God knows why."  And he walked off.  I immediately prayed for this man to find the answers he needed.  As soon as I finished, my brother said, "You know this guy was making fun of you, right?  He didn't really want prayer.  You fell for it."   I know my brother wasn't trying to manipulate or gaslight me, but it made me feel really hurt and stupid.  To this day, I don't believe the guy was making fun.  I believe he probably really did want prayer, but in either event, I think it was right to pray for him.  My brother is a Christian man, who just happens to be more guarded than I am.  He tends to question people's motives more deeply than I do.  That's how God made our personalities differently.  This experience made me question myself.  It wasn't a pleasant feeling.  

     I have had people project themselves onto me.  I had someone shouting at me once and telling me I was shouting at them as I just stared at them.  That's crazy.  It shows how far some people will go to absolve themselves of their own sin and put it onto others.  What's sad is that sometimes they even believe what they're saying, because they're so deluded.  I have even had someone relatively recently accuse me of rewriting history after reading something I had written about a situation we had both experienced.  This person perceived the situation differently than I did.  Was I gaslighting this person?  Not intentionally, though there was room to consider that we had different perceptions and didn't know each other's hearts in it.  Was this person trying to gaslight me?  I don't know.  Here are some steps to take when you feel like you are being gaslighted (intentionally or not--the person's motive doesn't matter, because you still feel the same way).

Step 1: Acknowledge what you see/experience.  Write it down, or tell someone.  At very least, acknowledge it to yourself.  For the example of the man in the parking lot who wanted prayer that my brother and I interpreted differently, I might say, "A man approached us, asking if we believe in Jesus as our bumper sticker indicates.  When I said yes, he looked like he might cry and asked for prayer,  then walked off."  I'm acknowledging the facts of the situation.  I don't know the man's motive.  I can't see that.  Neither can my brother.  For the other examples of gaslighting from my life that I shared, I would also write down the facts.  I don't know their motives, as I'll come back to, but I can make some educated guesses.  

Step 2: Consider a reasonable assumption. I believe it was reasonable to take the man in the parking lot at face value, that he was someone needing prayer.  That's an easy example.  For the other life-experiences I shared, more work might be involved in determining that, but it can be done (and has been done in my life).  

Step 3: Hear the other person's perception.  I am not suggesting you give up your view on the situation and agree with them.   Just hear them.  That's fair.   In the case with my brother, hearing him meant I heard and understood him saying that he believed the man was making fun of me and that I had fallen for it.  With my brother, I believe it truly was his perception.  With the others I mention, I don't know the truth of their heart, but I do know what they said.  Do this without reacting at first.  Then go on to step 4.

Step 4: Question the other person's perception.   This is where I really failed in this process, and my own healing was stunted because of it.  Questioning their perception means you are inquiring as to the logic behind what the other person is telling you.  Questions like, "Why do you think so?"  "When did this happen?"  "Can you give me an example?" might be appropriate.  Maybe they have a good reason for their perspective.  Maybe they don't.  Maybe their logic will win you over to their point of view.  Maybe it won't. Isaiah 1:18 says, Come, let us reason together.   As my husband often wisely reminds me, "Don't presume your innocence."  We need to be willing to ask and listen as to the other person's perception.  It is good to have a peaceable discussion, sharing each other's reasoning.  For the example with my brother, I didn't ask his reason for believing the man in the parking lot was making fun of me.  I just reacted in irritation.  I should have asked him why he thought that.  Maybe he saw something I didn't.  On the other hand, maybe I saw something he didn't, and I could win him over to my perspective.  In my other examples, it would have been very helpful for me to question the other person's perception.  I was only in first grade with the first example, but it would have been helpful to ask my mean little classmate, "When did I call you ugly?"  This would force her to come up with a fast answer to keep up the game, and, being a first-grader herself, she probably couldn't have.  It would have pulled her cover.  If I had questioned my ministry colleague as to why she presented people in the wrong as being wonderful, it might have given her a cause to actually analyze her own reasoning for saying that.  It could have led to a good discussion, and maybe even solved some of the problems.  As for the manipulative guy from my college years, I did tell him he had led me to believe we were quite a bit more than friends.  He never responded (I believe this was because he knew what I said was the truth, and he had no answer).  However, I wish I had actually questioned every single thing he had said and done, and asked him how this lined up with his claim of  "just friends." Again, I would be pulling his cover, instead of letting him play his game.  Proverbs 26:5 says, Answer a fool as his folly deserves, That he not be wise in his own eyes.

Step 5: Consider the other person's motives.  Matthew 10:16 says, Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.  One way of being wise means considering what someone's motives might be.  This can be done in discussion with the person, provided you completed step 4 peaceably with them.  More likely, if this person is an intentional gas-lighter, step 4 didn't go so well, so you'll have to actually sort it out yourself.  You basically create a court of law in your mind, and present evidence to yourself.  Remind yourself of what you stated in step one, the facts as you saw them.  Then ask yourself, What did the person have to gain by making the claim they did?  In the situation in the store parking lot, I happen to know my brother's motive was simply to avoid being taken advantage of.  He didn't want to be played for the fool.  That was his motive.  While considering that, I can understand the feeling.  I don't want to either.  That still doesn't mean he was correct, but it does mean that his motive was simply to avoid being made ridiculous.   In the other three situations I shared, I don't know their motives beyond all doubt, because I never asked them, and I don't know them as well as I know my brother.  I can come up with some educated guesses, though.  Thinking these things through involves being willing to play the devil's advocate with your own views a little bit.  Ask if their motive could make sense.  The little girl in first grade who told me I called her ugly was almost certainly being mean and manipulative.  Is there another possibility?  Could I have said something that she misconstrued as me calling her ugly?  Possibly, but not likely, since she said it in present tense, as if it was an ongoing thing, and I didn't have any recollection of saying it.  Also, she had a history and even a reputation in our school of being mean.  So, I conclude that her motive was manipulation.  As for the ministry colleague who believed the best about problem people, she is the hardest for me to guess at.  She could have been playing games, but it is very possible she just saw everything through rose-colored glasses.  I believe it was a combination of that and a desire for control.  I think her desire was actually noble, because she wanted to control in order to create a perfect experience for herself and all involved.  It just wasn't realistic.  For the college guy, I believe he had been interested in me, but lust and instant gratification were the real motivations behind everything he had done.  No real plan.  I believe his denial of everything had been motivated by fear, and the realization he had started something he wasn't ready to live up to.  Was there another possibility?  Could I have mistaken his odd personality for interest in me?  I have been over that situation with a fine-toothed comb.  If he had just been strange, even a little flirty, I still wouldn't have read too much into it.  He actually spoke of me as his future wife, and did and said all manner of other things along those lines.  When I rejected his advances, he didn't just laugh it off, as someone would do if they had just been kidding around.  He took it as a serious rejection and was ashamed to look at me.  The evidence leads me to the conclusions I have stated.  In your own situations, considering the other person's motive will be helpful.  .

Step 6: Ask God to reveal the truth to you.  Psalm 139:23-24 tell us, Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Ask God to show you ways you may be wrong.  That is a humbling thing to consider your own shortcomings in a situation, but it is the only way to be free.  On the other hand, maybe you aren't wrong.  You need God's wisdom to know.  In the specific experiences I've shared, God hasn't shown me that I was wrong in my perception, but He has shown me certain ways I might have contributed to the situation.  This is particularly true with the young man.  I should have steered clear of him after he overstepped bounds.  I could have avoided a lot of trouble.  Overall, I have often taken other people (including gas-lighters) too seriously, and have let them manipulate my thinking.  This is why God's perspective is vital.  Regardless, you should want to know the truth. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a key scripture to consider when seeking the truth: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your own understand, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  God will guide you to in determining the truth. Jesus is the truth (John 14:6).  He said in John 8:32, You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.  God wants you to operate in the truth.  Some things don't make sense to us, but ask God for His perspective.  Ask Him what He would have you do moving forward.  He always reveals His leading to those who seek it.  I love Second Corinthians 4:8 TLB.  ...We are perplexed because we don't know why things happen as they do, but we don't give up and quit.  God will help you move forward in victory from confusing, invalidating situations.  

Step 7: Draw your conclusions using the available evidence and the brain God gave you.  After seeking the Lord and evaluating the available evidence, decide what you believe and stick with it, unless other evidence to the contrary turns up.  Don't let gas-lighters (even well-meaning, unintentional gas-lighters) deter you.  When trying to figure things out and sort out what you believe, it's okay to ask other wise people for advice and for their perspective.  In the situation in the parking lot, there really wasn't another person who observed it who could help me.  We just had to move on from that.  If it still bothered me later on, I could go to a mentor I trust and explain the whole situation and ask for their advice, but that isn't quite the same as someone seeing it for themselves.  Once you've drawn your conclusions Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity. (Psalm 37:1).  

Step 8: Remove yourself from the gas-lighter(s).  Very fortunately, my experience with the manipulative young man as a college student happened before the advent of social media.  Email existed, though (it was relatively new), and I had to change my email address.  This kept the gossip (gas-lighting gossip) about the situation at bay, and let me move on with my life, away from unhealthy people.  Create a safe environment for yourself.  Surround yourself with godly people who remind you of the truth, hold you accountable, and encourage you to be the best you can in Christ.  

Step 9: Realize God is on your side.  Psalm 118:6 says, The Lord is on my side, I will not fear; what can man do unto me?  As you determine your conclusions about the invalidating situation, and make the choice to move forward with God's help, know that God is on your side, and there is nothing the gas-lighters can do to you.  God is working for your good (Romans 8:28).  He wants that for the gas-lighter too, but it's up to them to turn to Him.  That isn't on you.  

Finally, Step 10: Know that one day, the truth will be revealed once and for all.  One day, God's perfect justice will reign.  Luke 12:2 says, For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed;  neither hid, that shall not be known.  Gas-lighters will face a Righteous Judge and give an account of themselves.  If you were in the right, he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday. (Psalm 37:6).  I love the Serenity prayer.  Many people are familiar with the first part, but not the whole thing.  I'm going to quote it, but underline the part I want to emphasize: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next.  Amen."  God will make all things right if we surrender to Him.