Handling Master Manipulators

     "It's already over.  It happened.  You need to get over it.  You're destroying the unity.  It's all your fault.  We need to move forward and cooperate with each other."  This has been said to me many times.  The details change, but the situations are strikingly similar.  

    The summer I was 18, I went on an African mission trip.  One of my teammates was abusive and cruel.  But she was also very manipulative, and was able to twist everything so it was never her fault.  The culture we were serving in was not as into cause and effect as the US.  They saw everything as happening in a vacuum.  For example, if you got angry with someone, they thought the problem was that you were angry, and didn't even consider that the person might have provoked it.  This abusive teammate caught onto this, and used it to her advantage.  This person attacked every word I said.  She contradicted me very rudely.  She called my faith into question in front of others.  She ridiculed me.  While we were teaching children, she would move the bookmarks in my Bible so I would use the verses she wanted.  She destroyed a pair of my shoes.  At one point during that trip, I was in a very scary situation of almost being abducted on the street, as well as molested by my would-be abductors.  I screamed and fought, and this teammate just laughed, pointed, and took pictures happily.  Our host got the men off of me, and I was physically trembling, and this teammate kept laughing.  She kept asserting, "They went for Janelle because she's most scared!"  I have to confess, I mentally committed murder against her (not just then, but many times that summer).  When I couldn't stop shaking and crying from terror, I was told to get over it, it was over, and not everything was about me.  This teammate constantly made contrary comments about me or anything associated with me.  And in the midst of this, we were in a third-world country, pre-Internet, with no access to the US besides airmail (which took weeks).  It wasn't until late 2021 that I was able to verbally even talk about the almost-abduction.

This picture was taken of another mission team I was part of as a college student--a year after my Zambia trip.  I have so few pictures of the Zambia trip, because it was so traumatic.  In this picture, I am in the front, at the right (the picture cut off on both edges when I uploaded it, for some reason, but I'm the furthest right you can obviously see in the front row, with the three other young women.  I look happy, and I was, but I was carrying the baggage from the previous summer.  Below are pictures actually from Zambia (no people are in them--I got rid of most of those when I went through therapy about that experience)

Some monkeys who stole our lunch, then chased me!  The natives got a kick out of that!

Victoria Falls, on the Zambia/Zimbabwe border

     You can imagine, this was a very difficult six weeks for me.  What made it much worse, though, was that I was not allowed to own what happened to me for a long time.  If I so much as disagreed with this horrible teammate, much less corrected and confronted her obnoxious attitude, there was hell to pay.  Suddenly, I was destroying unity.  I wasn't keeping the peace.  I wasn't getting along.  I didn't have love in my heart and needed to study First Corinthians 13 until I could be more loving.  I needed to get over it and move forward and get along.  This teammate used this (sometimes making herself cry and getting everyone feeling sorry for her).  She would say this, or get everyone else to say it.  I was the bad guy.  It made me feel crazy.  Was I causing disunity?  Was "letting it go" the right thing?  It seemed like it just let her have a free pass to continue being abusive.  She got to control the narrative, that what she was doing was perfectly acceptable, and I was the one who had a problem.  To keep the peace, everyone else outwardly claimed to believe this narrative, and backed her up (though some quietly whispered that they knew I wasn't in the wrong).  

     This was not the only experience in which I've faced this.  So many times, I have seen people do wrong.  Then, when someone rightfully responds by confronting them, or even simply disagreeing with them, they turn it on that person, and claim that this person is selfish, needs to forgive and move on.  Is it true that people need to forgive and move on?  Yes.  But the person who inflicted the problem has no business insisting on that.  They are skipping an important step--making amends.  This involves acknowledging their wrong, and changing their behavior.  Even without an amends, should we forgive and move on?  Yes, but that doesn't mean we have to accept their abuse.  The abuser needs to be stopped.  They are completely refusing accountability, and that is a problem.  Rather than changing, they use the philosophy of "He who smelt it dealt it," to misdirect everyone.  Attention is off the wrongdoer and his sins, and everyone is blaming the victim (or whoever is trying to stop the person in the wrong).  

     I once heard a pastor say that all confrontation is sinful, and if you think someone is doing wrong, it really means you're the one doing it.  Do you realize how wrong that is if followed to its logical conclusion?  This would mean that if someone broke into my house, and I caught them in the act, called the police, pressed charges, and testified against them in court, I'm actually the one who was the burglar.  It would mean that if a police officer gave someone a ticket for speeding, the police officer was really the one speeding.  It would mean Winston Churchill and Franklin Roosevelt were really the ones causing the Holocaust because they fought against Hitler and his allies.  It would mean that the people in the World Trade towers on 9/11 were really the ones who flew the planes into the buildings.  This obviously isn't true.  It is a transparent smokescreen to avoid taking responsibility.  I believe this particular pastor used this philosophy to keep from being accountable to his congregation, and to keep people from being able to question him.  

      We know from the Bible that confrontation is not sinful.  One of the most famous examples of confrontation in the Old Testament was where Nathan confronted King David of his sin of adultery and murder (Second Samuel 12).  John the Baptist confronted Herod's sin (Luke 3:19).  Paul confronted Peter (Galatians 2:11-13).  In Matthew 18, Jesus gives some directions for doing confrontations among fellow Christians.  All of this should show us that confrontation is not sinful, nor is it an undue cause of disunity.  

     I often hear people accuse those who confront others of hypocrisy, saying to "take the plank out of your own eye."  This can be a misuse of that scripture (Matthew 7:5).  If I'm actively doing evil, but confront others for doing exactly what I'm doing, then this accusation fits.  But if someone wrongs me and I call them out on it, this claim that I need to take the plank out of my own eye doesn't hold water.  You don't have to be perfectly sinless in order to distinguish between right and wrong, and speak out when wrong has happened.  When Jesus said that the one without sin should cast the first stone (John 8:7), He didn't mean that only perfect people can point out sin.  He meant that we all deserve death, but His grace can save us, and lead us on to a better life in Him.  He told the one in sin in this scenario to go and sin no more (John 8:11).  People use these scriptures as weapons against anyone who dares get in the way of their power to do whatever they want and treat people however they want.  But they are wrong.  

     A particular relative of mine (with whom I have a difficult relationship) once said some very cruel things to me about a dear friend of mine.  I asked her to stop, and she refused, and continued with her uncalled for remarks.  I wordlessly walked away from her, and left the gathering we were at.  A few days later, she called, wanting to come to my place and do something fun.  I told her I would love that, but we needed to talk about the hurtful things she had said about my friend.  She went into a conniption fit, accusing me of hypocrisy, and how I needed to take the plank out of my eye, and how she wanted to commit suicide because of me, and how she wished I'd go to hell.  Interesting, how she had wanted to do something fun with me until I confronted her wrong behavior.  She wanted the freedom to be hurtful without being called to account, and for me to just enjoy being around her the next time.  It doesn't work that way.  The phone call ended badly.

     The reason this has all come to my mind is that my husband and I faced a similar situation.  I like to keep my political involvement separate from our mission work, and my writing, but there are times when these things converge.  We are involved in our county's Republican Party.  It is a very small part of our lives, but we deem it as important, because we want the children we share the Gospel with to continue having the liberties we as Christians enjoy.  We want to create the best conditions possible for the Gospel to go forth.  We want to do the best for our community and world in order to better fulfill the Great Commission.  There are Christians who are not politically involved.  And you know what?  That's okay.  People need to follow their divine calling from the Lord.  But they also shouldn't criticize others for their calling.  A lot of people criticize political involvement, and make a lot of statements that reveal a lot of ignorance on the real issues.  I am not called to be a gospel singer, but I am also not critical of those who are.  

Walter and me at a Christmas event with the county Party, December 2021

     Having explained that, Walter and I have enjoyed being on the county committee.  We have made many likeminded friends, almost all Christians, and some have even come alongside our ministry.  Recently, we had a state convention, and our committee took nominations and elected delegates to represent our county and vote at the state convention.  The election, which should have lasted two hours, tops, lasted nine hours, and we didn't leave until 2:30 the next morning.  The people who were threatened of losing power made it very difficult, and were verbally abusive to our chairwoman.  My husband and I were both nominated and elected as delegates.  Most of us who were elected were likeminded people with values formed on Biblical belief.  Most people in our county committee wanted those with our values to represent them.  But the "old guard" as we'll call them, fought us tooth and nail.  We had to vote three times, and they kept invalidating the election.  But at the very end, they didn't object to the results, and we all went home.  Three weeks passed with no complaint.  Then, two days before the convention, these people leveled a complaint that we had cheated.  They rendered us invalid as delegates.  There was a hearing the next day (the day before the convention), and we all showed up to testify as witnesses.  The "old guard" got there first and locked us out of the building.  They were threatening and nasty to us.  They had the police there (they claimed it was because they thought we would riot, but they were actually trying to intimidate us).  One of the officers was a friend of one of our delegates, and he later told him that the people inside the building were being very petty against us.  We prayed together as a group outside.  We were perfectly peaceful.  Our chairwoman was allowed in for five minutes, so it would look like they were being fair and letting our side speak.  They also let our lawyer (also an elected delegate) come in for five minutes and speak.  We waited out in the 101 degree heat.  Nothing was resolved.  

Picture of our delegation peacefully waiting outside in the heat.

     The next day, we went to the convention, in hopes that the other counties' delegates would vote to accept us in and dismiss the complaint.  Some of them knew what had been happening (having seen the video footage of us locked outside in the heat the day before), and they hugged us and told us they planned to vote for us.  It seems they saw us as heroes, which balanced out having the "old guard" and their ilk treat us like criminals.  We weren't even allowed inside the meeting room.  We waited in the hall until they decided, and at one point, we were shouted at to get out of the hall and go out into the lobby.  We complied respectfully.  My husband led everyone in prayer.  

My husband Walter leading in prayer.  At right in the coral outfit is our chairwoman Lorri, an incredible Christian woman and a great leader.

     We all thought our chairwoman and/or lawyer would be invited in to speak, but they were not.  The "old guard" in our county shared their side.  A few people spoke on our behalf, but before many could, we were told that the kibosh was put on that.  In the end, we lost by only a few votes.  This meant that our county had no representation at this event.  If we had been able to share firsthand what happened, I believe we would have easily made it in.  It was encouraging that, even with it clearly slanted against us, almost half the people there took our side.  Once it came out that we lost the vote, we were ordered off the premises.  Within 12 hours, all of us were getting messages from the other side, telling us we needed to put this behind us and get along with them and work together.  Sound familiar?  You can read a newspaper article about what happened here.

     I had gone through so much of this misdirection and manipulation on mission trips and in other circumstances, and so when this situation with the Party happened last week, I was very equipped with a response for those who tried this tactic.  Should we forgive?  Absolutely.  God has given me opportunities to be charitable toward those who did this.  I feel no anger or hatred.  I am not carrying a grudge.  But I also don't trust.  I refuse to be manipulated into pleasant compliance, when all we wanted in the first place was to serve all of them as delegates.  They took our rights as elected delegates away from us.  We can forgive, certainly, but we can't just forget about it.  It should also be noted that nobody asked for our forgiveness.  When I was eighteen, stuck in a foreign nation and being abused by a lunatic with no boundaries, I had no choice.  My voice was silenced.  But not now.  

     People need to be held accountable for their actions.  I have already shared biblically how this is the right thing to do.  It is actually showing the person love.  We are told in Proverbs 27:6, Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.  Likewise, Ephesians 4:15 says we should be speaking the truth in love... If the truth is that this person is in sin, so be it. There is nowhere in scripture where we are told to allow abuse.  We are never told to have unity at all costs.  We are never told to keep people happy. If someone is doing wickedly, whether it is abusing, manipulating, harming, or any other sin, we are told in First Corinthians 5 that Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you.  This may sound drastic, but we should mourn sin, and remove those caught up in evil from us.  Why?  This chapter goes on to say To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.  It is for their ultimate good and eternal rewards.

     One day, every person will give an account to God.  Those who are saved will stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ (Second Corinthians 5:10).  The unsaved will face God at the Great White Throne Judgment (Revelation 20:11-15).  For Christians, our deeds will not be the determination of whether we will make it to Heaven.  Our faith in the Death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ settled that for us.  But our deeds will determine our heavenly treasures.  We will face God, as a loving Father, and account for what we've done.  First Corinthians 3:12-15 says, Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble;  Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is.  If any man's work abide, which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a reward.  If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss; but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire.  This passage is both sobering and comforting.  Sobering, because even Christians will face a level of judgment (though not condemnation).  Comforting, because nothing can take our salvation--and God sees all things, and will make it all right one day.  Those who have hurt you will be brought to account by God.  They will admit what they did was wrong.  They will face it.  Keep short accounts with God yourself!  Be accountable now!  Be honest with others, and especially with yourself.  Pray as David did, Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  (Psalm 139:23-24).  By all means, hold others accountable, and let them do the same for you.  No one is above that need!  If anyone ever tries to turn the tables on you and paint you as the villain because you lovingly and respectfully put down a boundary with them about their behavior toward you, they are the one with the problem, not you.  Run--don't walk--away from them as fast as you can go!  

     Remember, Liberty and Justice for all are beautiful ideals, but unless we apply them, and are willing to have them applied to us, they remain just that.  I'll close with a few comforting verse to those who have been treated unjustly, and then had the truth twisted by a manipulative person.  Proverbs 26:27, Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling.  Luke 8:18, For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.

Churches that Abuse

     "God has given every person a gift," the enthusiastic man in his early 40's told us earnestly.  "My gift is seeing into the future of what God is doing with this church!"  Everyone sat, mesmerized by this.  "God's will," he continued, "is for us to get that building, and to open a Christian school, and a college, and one day, a theme park!"  

     The year was 1994, and I was a student in the youth group.  Our church's pastor was a very personable, outgoing, optimistic man.  He had a way of making people feel he cared--and I think he really did, to a point.  But even as a young teen listening to him, I disbelieved him.  I was a critical thinker, and I had a hard time swallowing what he was saying.  I do believe God leads us, and sometimes gives us a sense of vision about what He is doing.  Isaiah 30:31 says, And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.  On the other hand, we are also told in First Thessalonians 5:21, but test everything; hold fast what is good.  Not every idea that pops into our minds is of God.  I also don't believe God gives anyone the gift of fortune-telling.  We're to trust God with the future, not try to predict.  Deuteronomy 18:10 warns, There shall not be found among you anyone who...tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer.  There appears to be a fine line at times between false predictions and legitimate godly prophecies.  But God gave us a way to tell the difference.  When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.  (Deuteronomy 18:22).  Was this pastor making a false prediction, or was he divinely gifted to see what God was doing with the church?  The proof's in the pudding, as they say.

     Today, that church does not exist, nor has it for many years.  They never had the building they envisioned.  They never opened a school, college or theme park.  But this pastor took everyone for a ride for a while.  

     Worth noting, this church was not part of a denomination known for seeking signs or wonders.  They were part of a very straight-laced fellowship of churches.  This pastor's own theology was not outside the realm of orthodoxy.  And yet he made claims that were clearly not of God.  I never knew if he was overexcited with his own feelings, or if he was actually trying to deceive and manipulate.  I believe he started out in good faith, but got off-track somewhere.  A little while later, this pastor kicked my family out of the church, and then lied to others about us.  Others were kicked out in the months following, and we eventually compared stories.  The reason anyone seemed to get kicked out was because they became a threat to the pastor in some way.  Maybe they did ministry differently than he wanted it done.  Maybe they questioned him.  Maybe they disagreed with him, or weren't on the same page as him.  In the case of my family, it started when I (as a high school girl) led several second graders to Christ in Vacation Bible School.  The pastor was threatened by this, claiming I was too young to witness, and that I could be a liability to the church.  I have shared in other posts the way this affected me, and continues to affect me.

     It should be noted that none of the things he kicked any of us out for are biblical reasons to disfellowship a church member.  Matthew 18 gives a very clear pattern of how church discipline should be handled.  First, the offended party should go to the offender.  If it isn't resolved, he should take two others, and if that doesn't work, it goes before the church, and if the offender still won't repent, then, he or she is removed from fellowship.  This pastor did not carry it out in Matthew 18 fashion at all.  I bring all this up for a reason.  

     This week, I have been reading a book that hits very close to home for many.  This is Churches that Abuse, by Ronald M. Enroth.  This book is copyrighted 1992, and it tells the stories of many different high-control groups that have emerged in the name of Christianity.  Since this book came out thirty years ago, many more such groups have emerged, but very little changes.  The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.  (Ecclesiastes 1:9).  

     In reading this very interesting book, I was struck with a few things.  1) I was shocked by the disproportionate number of cult-like churches that have emerged in my home state of California, as opposed to the rest of the country (I won't be examining that further here, but I found that odd and interesting, although the author lives in California, so he may have had more access to cults there, which may have affected the number of Californian abusive churches he had access to and mentioned in the book).  2) Abusive churches are nothing new (there were nineteenth century examples in the book). 3)  Rational, intelligent people can be manipulated into high-control groups.  4) People stay in high-control groups, even after the fun is over, and have a very hard-time leaving.  5) This was the most sobering: While a lot of out-and-out cults were discussed, it was pointed out that even "normal" churches with regular Christian doctrine can become cult-like and abusive.  There is often good fruit that comes from these churches.  This leads to so much confusion in trying to separate the truth from error.  It certainly complicated my journey out of the abusive church I started talking about at the beginning.

     Why do good groups go bad?  How can we be discerning enough to avoid falling in with an abusive church?  

     One reason given in the book was that we, as humans, have a sort of need for heroes.  People to look up to.  We probably all have them.  People we view as the authority.  People we quote and agree with.  When I was growing up, my parents really respected Dr. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family.  A lot of friends of mine through college revered missionary-martyr Jim Elliot, and his widow (who was still living at the time) Elisabeth Elliot, and would quote them.  A lot of my friends on Facebook today share quotes by R.C. Sproul, John Piper, and Alistair Begg.  My personal hero is Brother Andrew (who smuggled Bibles into the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War).  Every one of these people I mentioned is deserving of respect for what they have done for the kingdom, and we can learn a lot from them.  But we need to be very careful not to go too far.  Just because we like them doesn't mean we should unquestioningly agree with everything they ever said or did.  Most of these people wouldn't want us to do that.  We need to do our own thinking, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God.  The people we admire are just like us.  They make mistakes.  They have their own hangups.  They might have a strong opinion about something, but then, upon further growth in their own lives, and deeper study of the Bible, come to draw a different opinion.  They are not God.  They are allowed to change their minds.  Besides all of that, these people have their own calling from the Lord that is distinct and different from yours.  We need to be careful about putting people on a pedestal.  A few times in the course of my life of ministry, I had people really thinking highly of me, and put me on a pedestal, and it made me very uncomfortable.  When you're someone's idol, all you can do is fail them.  Only Jesus can handle our worship.  But there is always someone wanting to test that.  Wanting to be your leader and hero, to have your unquestioned loyalty.  Though they would never say this, they want your worship and allegiance.  They want to be in control.  And we often give it to them.  This is very wrong, very dangerous, and sadly, very common.  

     Any leader who can't handle being disagreed with is someone to avoid.  Any leader who preaches more about their spiritual authority over you than about God is someone to avoid.  Any leader who spends the majority of his time complaining about others is someone to avoid.  Any leader who acts as if he is your mediator to God is someone to avoid.  In Jeremiah 31:34 gives a beautiful promise:  No longer will they teach their neighbor, or say to one another, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the Lord...  This promise was kept when Jesus came to die for our sins and rise again, purchasing our redemption and right standing with God.  Hebrews 8:11 reiterates this promise.  All Christians have the Holy Spirit, the very presence of God dwelling in us.  We don't need a human mediator.  Jesus is that for us (First Timothy 2:5).  We have access to God, and don't need anyone else to give us that privilege.  Among humanity, there is no pecking order in God's kingdom, and no hierarchy.  We're all on an equal standing.  This is not to say that we don't need spiritual teachers and leaders.  It is only to say that the spiritual leader's place in your life has its limits.  They are not your pathway to God.  God can speak to you on His own.  If what a leader tells you bothers you, and doesn't give you a peace in your heart as you bring it before the Lord, listen to that uneasiness.  It very well may be the Holy Spirit.  Test it out.  

     About the church I attended as a young teen.  Some people who left after us were told by the leadership, "God will no longer be able to bless you if you leave our church."  The person who had this said to them had the wherewithal to recognize it as the baloney it was, and sarcastically asked, "Who are you, the Pope?"  It is scary to me that this church, which started out as a legitimate, Bible-teaching church, began to believe they were responsible for God being able to bless people.  Here are some things to watch out for...

     In examining a church, Bible study, or any other ministry group, look for a few things.  Are they teaching God's word?  Is the focus on Jesus Christ, or is it on the leader's agenda?  Are other Christians outside the group seen as fellow servants of the Lord, or are they considered inferior and less spiritual?  Does the leader welcome a diversity of convictions and opinions, or does he tell you what your convictions should be about things that are not spelled out in the Bible?  Does the group consume every aspect of your life, cutting you off from others who love you?  What is the good news this group proclaims?  Is it Jesus Christ's death and resurrection, or is it how great the group is?  Does the leader claim to have visions or words from the Lord that do more to promote him than to further God's kingdom?  Is the leader excommunicating people and telling others not to associate with them?  If excommunication is happening, is it being carried out according to Matthew 18, or is it arbitrary?  Does the leader welcome opposing thoughts, or is he threatened by them?  Are you allowed to question your leadership?  Here's a big one.  Are there checks and balances in the leadership?  Remember, absolute power corrupts absolutely.  Does the church or group have a board to whom the pastor/leader answers?  Or is there congregational authority the pastor/leader must answer to?  Even with these accountabilities in place, corruption can still happen, if the pastor has his yes-men in place as board members.  Is there oversight of a denomination or organization?  I am very wary of groups that claim to be independent.  Not that I think all independent groups are bad.  Some are wonderful.  I'm just very careful about trusting when there isn't any accountability.  

     In Healing and the Kingdom, missionary Paul G. Hiebert says, ...Satan often tempts us at the point of our greatest strengths.  His method is not to sell us rank heresy, but to take the good we have and distort it by appealing to our self-interests.  This is a warning to leaders to be very careful not to fall into the trap of the enemy.  In his book Narcissism Comes to Church, Christian therapist Chuck DeGrote points out that a disproportionate number of narcissists go into the ministry, as opposed to becoming doctors, schoolteachers, business owners, etc.  Think about it--aside from a divine calling of God, who else but a narcissist would want to speak for God every week and have that power in people's lives?  This is not to say that all, or even most, pastors are narcissists.  I want to believe most have that calling of God on their lives.  It is just a reminder that these people are out there.  They are wolves in sheep's clothing.  They will answer to God.  Meanwhile, we are to be thinking people.  We are to evaluate what people tell us.  We are to be careful about whom to trust.  We are to study God's word for ourselves (Second Timothy 2:15).  There is no finger-pointing at the judgment, saying, "So-and-so deceived me."  Jesus said it is our job not to be deceived (Matthew 24:4).  You are responsible for your soul. 

     Jesus is our Good Shepherd (John 10:11).  He loves you, and offers you freedom.  Any human leader you put yourself under should be exemplifying Jesus' attributes of love, kindness, self-sacrifice, and humility.  If your leader doesn't demonstrate these qualities, watch out.  I'll close with a few tips for staying in control of your life, and avoiding giving control to a leader.  

     1) Beware of groupthink.

     2) Maintain good friendships outside the church or group, and, if they are fellow-believers, refuse to think of them as inferior to those in your group.

     3) Expose yourself to Christians who hold different theological positions than you do about non-essential doctrines.  These people can truly enrich your life and keep you grounded.  

     4) Have a daily quiet time with the Lord, where you read the Bible, pray, and listen to the Holy Spirit.

     5) Make sure you are being held accountable in your own life by believers you trust, who sharpen you in the Lord.  

     6) Draw your conclusions about what you believe, and about your convictions, based on the Word of God, and what the Holy Spirit is laying on your heart in your own walk with Him, not on what a leader tells you to believe.  

    7) Last but not least, be honest always--with others, and especially yourself.  

When a Mentor Lets You Down

      Have you ever been blessed to have a mentor?  A leader, who speaks truth into your life, makes themselves available to you for help and support, and urges you to be at your best?  Or maybe you've been a mentor like that for someone else.  This kind of relationship can be such a blessing for both people.  The mentor often feels a sense of purpose, and a deep bond with the person they are mentoring.  The mentee has the security of this loving person who is there for them.  It can be beautiful.  But these relationships aren't perfect.  I have been a mentor and a mentee, and have seen from both sides the phenomena of what happens when a mentor lets the person they are discipling down.  It is painful for both parties.  What should we do with that?  I'm going to give some steps that aid in these relationships from the beginning, and give a sense of direction for when this breakdown happens.  

     1) Realistic Expectations  The first thing is to have realistic expectations of your mentor, from the beginning.  Your mentor is not God.  Your mentor is a person like you.  They are probably a little further along in the journey than you, which is what qualifies them to help.  They still have all the things that come with being human.  They have problems, strengths and weaknesses like everyone else has.  Realize this at the beginning.  If you are expecting perfection out of this person, you are setting both of you up for disappointment.  As the Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:12, Not that I have already obtained this, or am already perfect...  This is true of your mentor as well.  

     2)  Give God the glory  Thank your mentor for his or her efforts into your life, but give God, not your mentor, the glory for the growth and outcomes.  Realize it is God at work in you.  For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13).   Your mentor is just a person God is choosing to use.  Note what Peter said when Cornelius tried to worship him in Acts 10:26, Stand up; for I myself also am a man.  Revelation 22:8-9 tells about John's reaction to meeting an angel, and the angel's response: I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things.  And when I had heard and seen them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who had been showing them to me.  But he said to me, "Don't do that!  I am a fellow servant with you and with your fellow prophets and with all who keep the words of this scroll.  Worship God!" I think these scriptures illustrate that it is very easy for us to put the people God uses on a pedestal, but we really shouldn't.  Not only is it taking the glory from the One who really deserves it (God), but it also sets everyone up for disappointment, since these servants of the Lord will not be able to live up to those expectations over the long haul.  Remember, you are called to follow Jesus, not your mentor.  

     3)  Honor Healthy Boundaries  Have a respectful relationship with your mentor or mentee.  Call them at appropriate times.  This is where text and email are helpful, because they can reply when it is convenient for them.  Unless they have specifically given you permission, and unless it is an absolute emergency, refrain from calling them in the middle of the night or any other odd time.  Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing.  (Proverbs 27:14)  Your mentor won't enjoy having a call wake them up, or interrupting things in their life that are important to them.  If they have specifically told you they're not available at certain times, respect that.  As a mentor, I have had many different calls at all hours, and only one of those was ever justified (a teenager I was discipling at church called at 2am to tell me a friend who was spending the night was manifesting a demon--that was pretty urgent!).  Literally every other odd-hour call I ever received came off as self-centered and overly dependent on me, with no regard for my needs or feelings.  If you feel the need to call your mentor at these times, it might be a sign that you are too dependent on them, and not on God.  Remember, the mentor is a person too.  Honor his or her needs.  From the mentor's side, make sure you are clear with your mentee about when it is acceptable to call, and what the exceptions are.  Give other alternatives they can do if you aren't available.  Most importantly, point your mentee to God in the midst of crisis.  

     4)  Transfer dependence from the mentor onto God and yourself.  From the moment you begin a mentorship with someone, realize it is a process of learning from that person, and slowly loosening the grip, becoming less and less dependent on that person, and more dependent on God, and on your own ability to solve your problems with God's help.  If you are constantly needing to call this person, with no further ability to problem-solve or go to the Lord, it shows that the mentor is failing in the ultimate goal.  Every person, when given the chance, will eventually let you down.  This doesn't mean they will betray you in a major way.  But they simply can't be there for you every second.  They can't meet the needs of your heart in an all-encompassing way.  They won't always say exactly what you need to hear, or do what you'd like them to do.  Expecting that of them is unfair to both of you.  Instead, trust God.  Psalm 27:10 says, When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.  Additionally, multiple other verses in scripture admonish us to trust in the Lord, and remind us that He will never leave or forsake us.  Don't make an idol of your mentor, because they cannot possibly live up to that (plus, you will be breaking the first two commandments--Exodus 20:3-6).  

     5)  Watch the situation develop.   Have the mentorship set for a specific time period--six weeks, a year, the length of time it takes to complete a specific Bible study you're doing together--whatever you decide on.  Don't enter into it thinking that this mentorship will last the rest of your life.  That's not the idea.  Proverbs 25:17, Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.  You might be friends with your mentor forever, but even that may or may not happen.  Keep in mind the whole time that things might develop differently than planned.  Let it be "organic" to borrow a trendy word.  If you--mentor or mentee--feels uncomfortable, or sees the relationship move in a different direction than you are able to work with, it is okay to end things and step away.  A Christian psychologist I listen to on the radio said you can fire your counselor--and that is true for mentors too.  Be honest with yourself at every encounter with your mentor/mentee.  When the person is usually wonderful to you, but has an off day, it is easy to dismiss it, but don't do that.  If they hurt you or made you uncomfortable, forgive them, but keep note of it.  If this becomes an ongoing pattern, there might come time to move on from that.  

     6) Thank your mentor.   When the time for this relationship is complete (the time is up, you've completed the study, you are moving on, etc.), write this mentor a thank-you note, expressing how much they have meant to you.  This will let them know how God has used them, and also graciously transition both of you into moving on.  

     I had a mentor years ago.  This Christian woman was used of God mightily in my life at a very important time.  I wouldn't be where I'm at in life now if it weren't for how God used her back then.  This mentor believed in me, and urged me onward in my Christian life.  She was a conduit of God's grace to me, perhaps more than any other person I've ever known.  She was one of the best friends I ever had.  I cherish the memories made.  I could share anything with her, and she would always listen.  Her advice was usually sound.  I liked the accountability she brought into my life.  After the time of our being close was over, I still hung onto this friendship with her.  She started to go some directions that weren't of the Lord.  I felt uncomfortable with her decisions, but I wasn't able to separate those things from the good she did in my life in the past.  My husband expressed concern about my holding onto that friendship, but I loosely kept in touch with her anyway (not against my husband's wishes, but with his caution).  I was being too loyal for my own good.  This person ended up having an opportunity to really hurt my husband and me.  I was wrong to hold on like I did.  I had even excused her sin in my mind.  Her period as my mentor was long over.  At this point, it is difficult for me to hold onto the good God did through her years ago, and simultaneously deal with the more recent difficulties in this relationship.  I choose to give that credit to Jesus for the good, and grieve the loss of this once-healing relationship.  This person is in God's hands.  God is still there for me.  

     I have also been the mentor.  There have been times I didn't know when or how to let go of my mentee, and when they were ready to move on, I felt sort of displaced.  Other times, I felt the mentee took advantage of me, and disrespected my boundaries, simply viewing me as a means to an end, rather than a friend who loved them.  Relationships are fragile at times, and can be heartrending.  But they're worth it.  People are always worth investing in.  They're worth loving.  They're worth praying for.  But only Jesus is worthy of worship and total allegiance.  Only Jesus is worth crying to at midnight when the rest of the world seems far away.  Only Jesus can comfort you deep in your heart.  Only Jesus understands your heart's cry and deepest needs.  Only Jesus is the solution.  Only Jesus is there to pick up the pieces when your mentor lets you down.  

     A good mentor will point you to Jesus, rather than let you be dependent on them.  I'll close with the words of Hebrews 12:2, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

What are we called to do?

       "I think, as Christians, we are called to just be loving to everyone, and let God fight the battle."  The sweet, godly woman declared, and everyone around nodded their heads.  

     The issue at hand was how Christians were called to react now that Roe vs. Wade was overturned.  It was a pretty shocking change last Friday to see this 49-year-old supreme court decision overturned.  Now, the issue of abortion is up to individual states.  Many states have already declared that they will outlaw it.  Understandably, this is a hot topic.  

     As a Christian, and as someone in full-time ministry, I want to be careful to make Jesus and the Gospel my focus.  It is easy to get sidetracked by political issues.  Abortion is definitely a political issue, but it is more than that.  It's something we can't afford to hide from. 

     With many political issues, I would honestly be able to say there are good people on both sides.  However, this issue is different.  This is a matter of human life.  There is no good reason to terminate unborn people.  The moment the sperm and the egg come together, that is a person, created by God.  Psalm 139:13 says, For you created my inmost being.  You knit me together in my mother's womb.  This gives the biblical basis for personhood at conception.  We are also told that John the Baptist rejoiced in Jesus prior to either of their births when Elisabeth and Mary got together (Luke 1:41-44).  I have heard abortion likened to the child sacrifices to Molech in the Old Testament.  The Bible is very clear about what God thinks about child sacrifices.  Leviticus 18:21 says, You shall not give any of your children to offer them to Molech, and so profane the name of your God: I am the Lord.  If you want to study further what the Bible says about this, here are some references: Leviticus 20:1-5; Deuteronomy 18:10; Second Kings 21:2-6; Psalm 106: 37-38; Jeremiah 32:35; Ezekiel 20:31.  I will also add that Hezekiah was considered by God to be an honorable king (Second Chronicles 29ff), and he fought hard against child sacrifice.  He didn't just ignore it and "live and let live" while babies died.  He fought it.  He restored true worship of God, and aggressively removed all idolatry from Judah.  

     I find it interesting that people are claiming aborting is a woman's health issue, when, a few months ago, these same people didn't know what a woman was.  They can't have it both ways, but they're trying.  A lot of bleeding heart types are claiming that this whole decision by the supreme court is anti-woman.  One friend of mine shared a post of Facebook that said, "I'm not pro-abortion.  I'm pro-Susan..." (and went on to name all these other hypothetical women) and explained all the reason they need to have abortion as an option.  Some of the answers were as simple as, "She's still a teenager and not ready to be a parent."  As someone who struggles with infertility, I am sickened that abortion is even an option in this case.  Give me your baby!  Also, why can't we be teaching young people to practice abstinence!  Instead of teaching them to play around with condoms, we should be teaching them to have enough self-respect to abstain until marriage.  What a wild idea!  But it just might work, and would certainly help teens avoid unwanted pregnancies.  Other reasons given in this post defending abortion were things such as the mother's life was in jeopardy.  That is admittedly a very hard place to be, but I truly believe the mother should be willing to lay down her life for her baby.  Greater love hath no man than this, than to lay down his life for his friends.  (John 15:13).  I hope to God I am never in that position.  I am certain the choice is so much harder when you're actually forced to make it, rather than just talking about it.  But I just think these bleeding heart posts are inaccurate.  Really, two could play at that, and could say, "I'm pro-Billy, whose mother wants to abort him, but will one day cure cancer.  I'm pro-Amy, whose parents want to terminate her, but who is being called by God to translate the Bible into a yet-unknown language.  I'm pro-David, who will be a lifeguard at the beach and rescue 100 people from drowning."  It is true that, for some women, unplanned pregnancies can be frightening, and there can be very scary complications.  We don't want to simplify it.  As Christians, we need to come alongside theses women lovingly, and make it as simple as possible for them to choose life.  I have been very disappointed by some of my fellow Christians, acting like this new development is a problem.  One pastor I greatly respected made a very public statement that he grieved the overturning of Roe v. Wade, because he felt women needed to have that choice, and that Christians should be the ones to help them choose life.  To me, that makes no sense, and it disappointed me a lot.  

     The woman I mentioned at the beginning, who made this comment about loving people and letting God fight the battle, is a very loving, encouraging Christian, and God has used her to minister to a lot of people.  It didn't surprise me that God had led her to a place of being that loving presence for people in the midst of a controversy.  Other believers expressed concern about the civil unrest and disunity this new change would bring, since abortion is a controversial issue.  

     While we think everyone who spoke was sharing pure motives from the heart of what they felt called to do, my husband and I disagreed with this idea that Christians are only called to love and be kind, and God was supposed to fight.  Maybe some Christians are called to show mercy and gentleness.  That may be the part some are called to play.  It is an important part.  Vital, in fact.  We do not deny that God could call people to that place.  We are all called to be kind and loving in all things.  But this whole conversation completely ignored a few facts.  

1) The overturning of Roe vs. Wade is a victory for the unborn!  In that particular conversation, only my husband and I were rejoicing, and everyone else was acting like it was a problem.  That alarms me.  Added to that, I have a very good Christian friend in Australia, and her church was rejoicing in this victory, even though it doesn't immediately affect them (though it could influence decisions there).  Why aren't my fellow American Christians rejoicing?  

2) This victory was 49 years in the making.

3) This victory would never have been possible if, for the past 49 years, godly people had not fought as God led them.  Simply being pleasant to pro-choice people, without taking action, would never have resulted in this victory.  

     I confess to being very confused as to why everyone, rather than celebrating the lives that will be saved, were fretting about how to not offend proponents of the pro-choice position.  If people had been focused on that all these years, this victory would never have come.   This very mindset is why Christians' rights are often under threat.  It should be a given that we are kind to people.  But why is being kind to pro-choicers suddenly the focus?  Of course we should be kind, but our focus should be praying for every baby God is knitting together to have a chance at life!  We should be mobilizing families to take in children, and counselors to help pregnant girls who need help and encouragement.  We have a job to do!  

     My husband and I are in the process of adoption through the Cherokee Nation.  It is a waiting game right now.  Maybe a baby who would have been aborted will now be given the chance to be part of our family!  

     Aside from my concern that people we respect were more concerned with being nice to the opposition than about babies, I was also personally very hurt.  We felt attacked.  We have made a bold stand on this issue, and apparently, we are viewed as the bad guys, because we didn't just sit with a pleasant smile on our faces.  We are not demonizing those who are not called to speak up as much as we have.  But we don't want to be demonized either.  All Christians have a part in the battle between good and evil--God and Satan.  We are all called to use our gifts as God has led us.  My husband and I are called to speak out.  This doesn't mean we hate anyone, or are unkind.  It just means we fight for the unborn.  I'll add that both of us have had precious friends who have been through abortion, and we have comforted and helped them heal.  What we do, we do out of love for women, and the unborn.  If someone else's part to play is to sit back, listen, and show mercy, that is great!  But that isn't the only part of the battle.  

     The Bible is very clear we are in a war, whether you want to be or not.  Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that our enemies are not people.  Pro-choice advocates are not our enemies.  But we would humbly submit that they are deceived by the enemy, and some have willingly and intentionally submitted to him.  First Peter 1:13 says to gird up the loins of your mind...  This is a call to be ready for battle.  Likewise, First Peter 5:8 warns us to Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil , as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.  Second Corinthians 10:3-4 says, For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.  We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God...  We are in a war.  In First Samuel 17:47, David, coming against Goliath, acknowledged, for the battle is the Lord’s.  But he still threw the stone.  We are given all we need to fight.  For some, that is using that gift of mercy and being kind and gentle, loving people to Christ.  For others, it is speaking the truth in love.  There are other aspects of the battle as well.  As Christians, we can't afford to throw each other under the bus just because we are doing different jobs in this battle.  We are all on the same side.  

     When it comes to abortion, I think the Bible leaves only one position available to those who claim to believe in God's word.  How we carry that out is dependent on God's specific calling to us, but we need to recognize other believers who fight different parts of the battle, rather than demonizing them.  Your part is important, but it isn't the only part.  Thank you.  That's all.  

Who are you calling Codependent?

      We hear a lot of psychological words nowadays that were not part of mainstream American vocabulary twenty years ago.  Words like narcissist, gaslighting, trauma, and even ideas such as "feeling unsafe" or "being the best version of yourself."  Sometimes, it is easy to dismiss the emphasis on these things.  Sometimes, people go over the top talking about them, and use them to either defend and excuse bad behavior, or explain away good things.  People cannot be reduced to psychological actions or conditions.  But is there truth to these ideas, in the right context?  I believe there is.  One of the first psychological words of this nature that I incorporated into my own life was codependency.  That's another word we hear a lot of today.  What is it?  Who do you know who could be considered codependent? 

     Years ago, I was in a Bible study in the home of a family from church.  The husband was a zealous new believer, eating up everything the pastor said about God.  He was committing scripture to memory, and being real and transparent with our group about his sin struggles.  His wife had been a believer a little bit longer.  She was a fun, hospitable woman, and I grew to love them both a lot.  Over time, though, I noticed some patterns.  One area the husband had struggled with was drinking.  Moderation was not possible for him, and he made the effort not to have alcohol around him.  His wife constantly complained about his drinking and how hard it was on their family when he would fall off the wagon.  However, as much as she complained about it, I began to notice that she actually facilitated his binges by brining alcohol to him at vulnerable moments.  It was as if she wanted him to fall, and then complain about it.  At the time, I could not imagine why anyone would do that.  But then I began to realize that I did the same thing, in other ways. 

     This is a classic example of codependency.  The wife hated her husband's drinking, but also liked the role of being the good, responsible spouse who didn't drink.  She enjoyed helping him, being his support.  She loved playing opposite him.  That was the basis of their relationship.  She didn't know how to function in their family if he was no longer playing his part as the alcoholic.  She genuinely loved God and her husband, and wanted him better...but not enough better that it made her give up being who she was with him.  She wanted him to be mostly okay, but with just enough struggle so she would be needed.  I guarantee she didn't even realize she was doing it.  It was subconscious.  

     Oxford dictionary defines codependency as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.  I will add that it doesn't have to be with a romantic partner.  It can be with another family member, a friend, a coworker, or any other relationship you have.  It is, in essence, being addicted to being supportive.  

     This can seem confusing.  On the surface, a codependent person seems selfless and kind--and most codependents really are.  They genuinely care about others.  They just get lost in that caring, and then lose sight of who they are.  I know that has happened to me.  

     The Bible is very clear we are to love others (John 13:34), sacrifice for others (John 15:13), bear other people's burdens (Galatians 6:2).  When does it cross lines to become wrong or unhealthy?  Is codependency just a made-up condition that seems to vilify biblical love and compassion?  Does the Bible have anything to say about codependency?  

     The example I shared with the husband and wife in the Bible study is a more classic case, but around that time I was in the Bible study with them, I began to discover areas where I was codependent as well.  I loved being the strong, dependable friend anyone could call, who would always be there for people.  But as these friends picked up the pieces after I helped them, and then began to move forward in their lives, I would feel a little threatened about my place in our friendship in the future.  If I wasn't needed anymore, what would happen to me?  These fears led to friendship difficulties.  I think of one particular friendship that I really damaged with my codependency.  I had discipled this friend, and we had had wonderful times studying our Bibles, reading Christian books, doing ministry, talking, and having fun together over the course of a year.  If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change any of it on the outside, but I would change the way saw myself and my role in that relationship.  I was receiving my sense of self-worth from it, rather than taking joy in Christ as He worked in our lives.  When God did some new things in this friend's life and led her on to new things, I felt very threatened.  By God's grace, this friend and I are still in touch, but God had to do a work in me.  

     Codependency is a step beyond genuine care and compassion.  I want to be clear that genuinely loving others is often present in codependency.  The person who struggles with codependency should not be down on himself.  We are all codependent to some degree.  It's impossible to interact with other people and not struggle a little.  But the point is, why are you being compassionate?  Is your primary reason love for that person, or is it fulfillment for you?  Is your help to them actually helpful, or is it hurting?  Is it enabling?  Do you feel your security lies in the role you play?  If it does, that is where the problem lies.  

     We are to see ourselves as God sees us.   We are loved (...I have loved you with an everlasting love... Jeremiah 31:3).  We are chosen (For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. -Ephesians 1:4).  We are created for God's plans for us ( For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -Ephesians 2:10).  We exist as who we are without the roles we play with other people.  We are distinct people, apart from any other people.  We do interact with others, but our identity needs to rest in who we are in Christ.  When we find ourselves in Him, we are free to love others without expecting anything in return.  

    Jesus said, Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13).  Laying down your life (or any sacrificial move you make for someone), can only be truly made by someone who is choosing it, not being manipulated into it.  And I believe someone is only capable of that kind of sacrifice for others if he first knows who he is in Christ.  Then, he is coming at service from a place of strength in the Lord.  

     Jesus was the leader and mentor to His twelve disciples, as well as to many other followers.  And yet He wasn't defined by His relationship with them.  He often went away by Himself (I was able to come up with seven times scripture records Him doing this, in following passages: Luke 4:1-2, 14-15; Mark 6:30-32; Matthew 14:1-13; Luke 6:12-13; Luke 29:32-44; Luke 5:16; John 6:15--perhaps there are others I overlooked!).  He needed to be spiritually recharged, and connected to the Father.  He knew who He was, and why He had come.  He healed and loved, taught and rebuked.  But none of that defined Him.  With or without these people, He was the Son of God, the Promised Savior.  That was His real identity.  I think we are to follow Jesus' example of loving others, but, also like Jesus, we are not to be getting our own meaning from them.  Our meaning comes from God alone.  Psalm 27:10 says, Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.  God is there for us, when all others fail.  When we are receiving His love, and letting Him define us, we lose our resentment toward others, because our sense of worth is no longer attached to them.  

     Several years ago, I was blessed to meet TV personality Stephanie Edwards (of the Tournament of Roses Parade fame).  She gave a talk at our church's ladies function.  She told us, "Who you really are, is who you are when who you think you are has been stripped away."  And when we can find our true selves in Christ, we are free to serve Him, regardless of the outcome.  We are free to relate to others in love.  We are free to have the adventure of a lifetime!  

Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards (former Rose Parade hosts)

What did you expect?

      "I'm never going to church again.  Church people are mean!"  my relative told me angrily.  No, not angrily.  As I listened to her, I detected something deeper than anger.  Hurt.  Brokenheartedness.  Disappointment.  Pain.  She had been deeply wounded by people in church, and she was done.  

     This heartbroken relative is not alone.  Many Christians have echoed this sentiment.  The idea of being done with church, because people are so mean.  That is truly a tragedy.  Those who wound others, especially misrepresenting Christ as they do so, will answer to God one day (For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ.  Second Corinthians 5:10).  The pain many have experienced in church is real.  My denomination recently uncovered some unreported abuse from the last few decades.  We grieve these things, and pray for those who survived these atrocious acts, and do our best to right wrongs now.  There is no excuse for any of it.  The believers who committed these acts will (as stated above in Second Corinthians 5:10) will give an account to God for what they did, and suffer loss of heavenly rewards.  The unbelievers who did so are only adding to their eternal misery in hell (The dead were judged, according to what they had done as recorded in the books...anyone whose name was not found in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire, Revelation 20:12, 15).  There is much I can say about this, but I'm going in a slightly different direction...

     Church attendance among Christians is on the decline.  Covid has had a big part in that.  Many people got into the habit of watching online church, and never returned to physical worship.  While church attendance has slowly risen (with 13% of American adults attending in-person services in July of 2020, and 27% of American adults attending in March of 2022, per Pew Research), the numbers are still down from what they were in 2019 (34% of American adults in 2019 attended services at least monthly, per Lifeway research).  Interestingly, a poll of Canadian Christians (per National Post) stated that, while church attendance is plunging in Canada, belief in God is remaining the same.  This means that those leaving the church are not leaving for reasons of actual faith.  Of course, Covid isn't really what my post here today is about, but I thought I'd mention it, since it has played a part in this trend.  Even before Covid, this was becoming a problem.  I have met many Christians (prior to Covid) who told me they don't go to church for various reasons.  Reasons I've heard have been things such as not being able to find that right church for them (that is, that fit their preferences and tastes), being disillusioned with church culture, or, most commonly, being hurt by the church.  

     I'll only say this quickly about Covid (and then, I will focus on the main reason I hear for church decline, about mean people in church).  As far as Covid is concerned, if someone is honestly protecting his or her health and feels they must stay home and watch online, that is a valid reason--if that is what they actually need, and have been told by their doctor.  Also, if this person is willing to go everywhere else, but not church, that is hypocritical.  This person needs to be back in church.  That is all I will say about Covid.  

     Is giving up on church really the answer?  Is giving up on anything in particular really the answer to dealing with mean people?  I think of Jesus' words in Matthew 11:7-9 What did you go out into the wilderness to see?  A reed shaken by the wind?  But what did you go out to see?  A man dressed in soft clothing?  Those who wear soft clothing are in kings' palaces!  But what did you go out to see?  A prophet?  Yes, I tell you, and one who is more than a prophet.  Here, Jesus was talking about John the Baptist, but His words here could be applied to other expectations.  I pose a similarly-phrased question:  "What did you go to church to see?  Perfect people who will never disappoint you?  Such people can only be found in Heaven.  But what did you go to see?  A mix of broken humanity at various stages of their growth, healing and journeys?  Yes, this is what you will find in church."  

     If you're going to stop attending church because of mean people, then, in order not to be a hypocrite, you should also walk away from other places with mean people.  There are mean people who shop at the same grocery store as you, so maybe you shouldn't shop there anymore.  There are mean people who are part of your civic clubs and social groups.  Maybe you should drop them.  There are mean people at the post office, so maybe you should't mail things anymore...Do you see where I'm going with this?  It sounds ridiculous to stop going to these other places because of mean people.  Why do some people think it makes sense to walk away from church for that reason?  I have a few thoughts, and also some responses:

1) Church serves as a community, not just a place of business

     Your local grocery store is not attempting to meet your God-given need for community.  Church is.  If someone is nasty in a grocery store one day, that doesn't hinder your purpose for going there--buying food.  On the other hand, someone being hurtful in church defeats the purpose of community church is supposed to provide.  That is why it might seem reasonable to walk away when hurtful things happen.  I can see why someone would draw the conclusion that walking away is the answer.  Here is my response.  Community is never guaranteed to be perfect.  No matter what community you are in--church, school, neighborhoods, civic clubs, etc.  We are never going to be close with everyone we meet.  We are never going to get along perfectly with everyone.  We click well with some, and not as much with others.  That's just life, and church is no exception.

2) Churches claim to preach life-changing truth, while church members often fail to have changed lives.

    As Christians, we have the best news in the world to share!  This news is that Jesus Christ came to take the penalty we deserve for our sins, making it possible for us to have a right relationship with God now, and to live with Him forever after death.  Through our study of scripture, we also find that Christians grow in faith over time.  This process of growth is called sanctification.  Galatians 2:20 says, I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.  With Christ in us, this kind of growth toward godliness is possible.  It's in Him, not our own strength.  This truth is preached in Christian churches.  And yet, why do we run into so much hypocrisy in church?  Doesn't sanctification "work"?  Here is my response.  The gospel--the good news--never, ever proclaims that we will reach perfection this side of heaven.  We are still humans, with strengths and weaknesses, and the same kinds of problems that everyone else has.  We are dealing with the effects of living in a sin-sick world.  We have our own hurts and problems, and sometimes, those things cause us to respond to others in ways that hurt them--often unintentionally.  This is unfortunate, but it is true.  The Apostle Paul, one of the greatest men of God, wrote, ...for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.  Even he couldn't always master the flesh.  Even he hurt people sometimes.  We have been shown grace by the Lord Jesus.  We need to show each other that same grace.  Being part of a church family means receiving and extending grace.  It means forgiving each other, and helping each other.  

3) If Christians have the most important thing in common, why can't they get along?  As Christians, we do share the most important commonality--our common salvation in Jesus.  That should bring us closer together.  I remember once, when I was growing up, the religion section of our newspaper showed a Christmas eve service at a multi-cultural church in downtown Los Angeles.  The picture showed Black, White, Hispanic, Arab, Indian, and Asian believers all singing worships songs.  One particular Hispanic man, in the front row of the church, had his eyes closed and head bowed in unmistakable contrition before the Lord as they all sang.  I was deeply moved and impacted by that picture, but the caption underneath touched me even more.  It said, The more you love Jesus, the more you love others.  That picture always struck me as how Heaven will be.  It's what I long for now.  Why don't we always have that unity together?  As I asked above, doesn't our faith "work" well enough to bring unity?  Here is my response.  When our focus is Jesus (like the Christians in that long-ago Christmas service in Los Angeles), we are unified, just like that.  But we still have different personalities, callings, interests and tastes.  When we deal with day to day life, sometimes, those things rub each other the wrong way.  We aren't always going to get along.  We should always love, but we won't always be close.  Paul was very close with Barnabas during their first missionary trip (Acts 13-14), but they had a "sharp disagreement" and parted ways (Acts 15:39).  Their split resulted in the furtherance of the Gospel.  They couldn't work together and continue to be at their best, but they still had the most important thing in common.  We read of other believers in the New Testament not getting along.  Paul even wrote in Romans 12:18, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  This verse implies that it isn't always possible, and also takes into account that it isn't all on you.  You may have every intent of getting along, but you are not the only person in the equation.  Not only in Biblical accounts, but throughout church history, we see believers struggling with each other.  That's normal.  It isn't an excuse to sin against them, but it is validation for the point that we shouldn't be expected to perfectly get along all the time.  

     So what do we do when we've been hurt in church?  First, I'm going to give a few reasons why leaving church is not the answer, and then, I'll give right steps to take when you've been wounded.

Reason 1: You can leave the building, you never stop being the church.   All born-again Christians are part of the body of Christ-- the universal church, which includes all believers, worldwide.  Whether or not you attend a weekly service, you, as a Christian, are part of that.  And we need each other.   So in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.  (Romans 12:5)

Reason 2: The Bible tells us to gather with other Christians.  Hebrews 10:25 says, Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.  According to this verse, walking out on church is a sin, and that, alone, is the reason we should stay in church.  This does not mean the way we do church is non-negotiable.  It is our tradition to meet on Sundays, weekly, and have churches with specific traditions and customs.  These things are not commands.  Maybe a group of Christians meets on Thursday nights, and studies the Word together.  That is still in obedience to this verse.  When my husband and I first got married, we lived in the mountains and managed rental cabins.  Our schedule was such that we almost never made it to Sunday morning church, but we always made it to the smaller, close-knit Wednesday night service, as well as several Bible studies and events during the week.  We were part of a church family, just not on the expected day of the week.  Some of the fellowship from that time was the deepest and best I've experienced.  When we were able, we got back into a more "normal" church routine, but there was nothing sinful or wrong in our more unorthodox routine.  

Reason 3: The Church needs you!  Maybe you can be that voice in the midst of hurtful, broken people, who speaks the truth to them.  Maybe you can help them in their journey to Christlikeness.  Maybe you can be part of the solution to the very problem that makes you want to leave!  Also, God has given you gifts and abilities that He wants to use in the church.  But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. (First Corinthians 12:18).  The church needs the gifts that God gave you!  

     And now, for some steps to take when you have been hurt in church, or by other Christians in general: 

1. Remove yourself from hurtful people.  You are never expected (by God, anyway) to continue allowing cruel treatment.  If someone is abusing you (sexually, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) get away!  You should even get away from them if they are doing smaller things (that might not qualify as abuse in a technical sense) that still hurt you or make you uncomfortable.  Go where you are safe.  This might mean leaving your particular church and joining another fellowship of believers.  It might mean just removing yourself from the hurtful person at church, and surrounding yourself with people you feel more comfortable with.  Maybe joining another Sunday school class or Bible study within your church is enough.  What you do to remove yourself depends on what type of mistreatment you are experiencing. 

2. Report wrong treatment to the correct person.  Report it to proper authorities.  Sexual or physical abuse should be reported to the police, or whatever abuse hotline exists in your area.  Spiritual abuse isn't usually illegal, but you can report spiritual abuse the the proper leadership within your church, denomination, etc.  Emotional abuse between adults (if it is verbal) is not usually considered criminal, but, as with spiritual abuse, you can report it to the correct leadership in your church or denomination.  It needs to be stopped.  Those in the wrong need to be held accountable.  Report what happened, and pursue justice.  In cases of smaller incidents that are not abuse, you may determine it isn't really something that the leadership needs to know.  But at least tell someone you trust what is going on.  Years ago, I had a lot of trouble with a mean-spirited woman I led a Bible study with.  I decided to just hold it in, and keep it between myself and the Lord.  I thought this was godly of me, to avoid gossiping about her.  Meanwhile, this woman was gossiping and lying about me to anyone who would listen, and she ended up turning the group against me.  Because I didn't confide in anyone, I didn't have an ally.  I ended up being kicked out of that Bible study.  It was very painful for me at the time.  I learned from the experience that it is okay to share my concerns.  This is not gossip or slander.  It is protecting yourself.

3. Surround yourself with healthy Christians you get along well with.  Some people just aren't in your tribe, so to speak.  They don't click with you.  That's okay.  There are enough people in this world for all of us to have people we relate to.  Friendships are a special gift from God.  These friends bring out your very best.  Proverbs 27:17 says, As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.  Proverbs 18:24 says, A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.  Those are the close friends God brings into your life.  God's plan is that you are to bless each other.  Surround yourself with those people.

4. Focus on Jesus, not people.  Even your dearest friends and family will let you down at some point.  Maybe not catastrophically, but they are not perfect, and they cannot be your all in all.  Only Christ can totally fulfill you.  Look to Him to meet the needs deep within.  Your church family can't do it.  Hebrews 12:2 says, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith...  If you go to church looking for Jesus, You'll find Him.  If you go to church looking for perfect people, you will be disappointed.  Romans 10:11 says, Everyone who believes in Him will not be put to shame.  

5. Ask God to reveal the truth to you.  If something truly abusive has happened to you, what I'm about to say doesn't apply.  For anything short of real abuse, ask yourself, am I perceiving this correctly?  One person who turned their back on church gave this scenario as their last straw:  "I was walking up to the church, and this woman was handing out bulletins, and she was smiling at everyone, but as soon as she saw us, she frowned."  As someone hearing this, my first thought was, are you sure?  Is it possible you misread her facial expression?  If she doesn't even know you (they were visiting) why would she do that?  Could there have been some other reason she frowned that had nothing to do with you?  A lot of people go to church just looking for people to let them down, and then when in inevitably happens, they get a victim mentality.  If you are in earnest about your faith, then get honest with the Lord and yourself.  Ask God to reveal the truth to you.  Maybe it's you.  Maybe it really is a legitimate problem.  At any rate, follow the previous steps.  Even if the frowning lady isn't intentionally being mean to you, it is still okay to remove yourself if she is making you feel bad (even unknowingly).  

     As Christians, we never stop being the church.  We are commanded to fellowship.  We need each other.  It is acceptable--right even--to remove yourself from those who hurt you.  It is right to report abuse, and it is right to get support from someone you trust, even if the situation isn't legally considered abusive.  Surround yourself with safe Christians.  Keep your focus on Jesus.  Ask God to reveal the truth of the situation to you--if you really want to know, He will reveal it.