Ministered to in the Forest

     "My Daddy wants you dead," the innocent kindergartner told me, wide-eyed.  How had I gotten myself into this?  It had been a successful week of ministry, with sixteen professions of faith in Christ.  I didn't need this!  Even in that moment, though, I knew this man wasn't my enemy.  The real enemy is Satan ( Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour. -First Peter 5:8).  Sometimes it's easy to forget who we're really fighting, because we can't see him, but we can see the problems he creates.  

     Why did this child's father want me dead?  As we have worked with a particular partner church, a family came to the Lord--except the husband/father.  The mother, who had been saved as a teenager, has come back to her "First Love" of Jesus (see Revelation 2:4-5).  All the children have come to Christ.  Our little boy, Tommy, has loved doing play dates with these children.  The problem was, the father was not on board.  He has fought the church's efforts in the community.  He is a deeply troubled man.  In one instance, after he made some threats, I took his wife and kids to a safe place, and called the police on him.  He was furious with me (instead of being furious with himself for causing all of this with his ungodly behavior toward his family), and has refused to forgive me for this.  Instead of recognizing his own sin and need of a Savior, he is always on a witch hung toward anybody who dares to oppose his sinful (and sometimes illegal) behavior.  

     Not enjoying having my life threatened, I told this precious woman that I would always be her friend, but I was unwilling to come to her home as long as her husband made these threats.  I made sure the pastor of the partner church knew as well (he himself has called the police on this man multiple times).  

     Well, during recent Vacation Bible School, this man showed up at the VBS, completely intoxicated on drugs.  He attempted to steal a car, and the pastor had to stop him.  Tommy saw him and yelled out, "Mama!  Look!  _______'s Daddy is mean!"  I didn't coach him to say that this man is mean.  He has picked up on that.  The day after this, this man sent me a very mean and angry email, even though I had not interacted with him at all over his unwanted appearances at VBS.

     First, I ask that you pray for this man's salvation.  He is hard-hearted, and I believe that the only way he will come to Christ is to experience some legal comeuppance for his sins, and be truly faced with his need, and take real responsibility for his sin, and then be willing to embrace Jesus' sacrifice and forgiveness.  If you need a name to pray for, call him John--God will know who you're praying for.  Pray for John's wife and children.  Pray for wisdom for the pastor of this church, and for us in our dealings with all of them.  As a mandatory reporter, I am legally obligated to call the authorities when I am led to concern for their safety, and I have, and do, and will.  

     My biggest concern is something the wife told me about her husband's threats.  She assured me, "Oh, he says stuff like that, but he doesn't mean it.  He would never really do it.  He says it all the time, but he's never killed anyone.  He just wouldn't do that.  He has a good heart."  As a recipient of his ill intentions, I find little comfort in that.  This precious woman is inadvertently excusing and enabling his treats to continue.  Maybe she is okay with having threats, but I am not.  No one should be.  I told her that the law doesn't really distinguish between an idle threat and a real one.  There are certain discrepancies between the two, in cases where a reasonable person would know the person was in jest, but the types of threats this man makes are not in that category.  This was eye-opening to me just how much this sweet lady excuses and allows evil behavior, not having any idea.  And then it made me realize how much we all do this at times.  It is not possible for someone to threaten others and still have a "good heart."  Luke 6:45 states that, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.  What is coming out of people's mouths?  What is coming out of my mouth?  Your mouth?  That is the real revelation of what is in the heart.  

     This all led me to another thought.  How many times do we try to placate and excuse people in sin at the expense of the innocent?  Years ago, I heard someone calling into a radio advice hotline and sharing a story that went something like this: "My uncle lives with us, and I found out he's abusing my 5-year-old, but I'm afraid it will hurt his feelings if I confront him."  This is sickening that the caller was more concerned about hurting the abuser's feelings that protecting an innocent child.  And as for John's family, they spend all their time rallying around this man, trying to placate him and keep him happy, not taking into account everyone in the family and community he is affecting.  100% of the time, I will remove myself from abuse, without regard to how it makes the abuser feel.  I don't wish to counter-abuse, or harm them, but I am responsible for me, and the abuser is responsible for himself.  If he doesn't want people to avoid him, and wants people to like being around him, he needs to treat people as such.  No one is required to enjoy abuse.  No one is required to tolerate mistreatment.  Those who do tolerate it fail to see their value before the Lord.  God didn't create anyone for abuse or threats.  

     This is what God says about you and me.  

He loves us.  Jeremiah 31:3 says, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.  

Nothing can separate us from His love.  Romans 8:38-39 says, For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God is always working for the good of His people.  Romans 8:28 (ten verses earlier than the last passage) says, And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

God never forsakes us. Hebrews 13:5b says, I will never leave you nor forsake you.

     If God loves us that much, and is working for our good, and is that committed to us, should we be subjecting ourselves to abuse?  Some might argue, "Well, Jesus did."  Yes, He did.  Once time for all eternity, Jesus allowed Himself to be arrested, mistreated, and killed.  He didn't want it.  He begged to be spared if it were possible, but He knew it was the only way for us to be saved.  He conquered it all by rising again.  He never meant for us to just suffer needlessly at the hands of people who take advantage of these teachings and use spiritual-sounding language to excuse their sin.  We will suffer sometimes.  But we are not supposed to glory in abuse and just allow it as our "cross to bear."  Other than Jesus' atonement for our sins, He never allowed that kind of mistreatment.  Many times in the Gospels, the Pharisees wanted to kill him, but He did not allow it until it was time.  He put down a lot of personal boundaries by making Himself unaccessible at times, or going to a certain place where people could choose to meet with Him.  After Jesus, the apostles didn't just allow their enemies to harm them either.  Paul was sneaked out of the city in a basket (Acts 9:25).  Later, he used his Roman citizenship to get him out of abusive situations (Acts 16:37-40, Acts 25:9-11).  

     There is room for forgiveness, love and restoration.  I know everyone says and does things they wish they didn't sometimes.  Paul lamented this in Romans 7:15-20.  We need to give each other grace.  But there are lines, and when someone like John is crossing those lines, harming the community, and hurting others, that person needs to be brought to account, and the victims of their sin need to be safe and ministered to.  I heard a recent testimony of Cindy Clemishire, who was abused by pastor Robert Morris throughout her junior high and high school years in the 80's (I'll put the link to this Christian testimony below).  She shares that, as this story has recently come out, everyone has been worried about this pastor being restored, and yet not one person has tried to see if she has experienced restoration in her heart and soul.  This needs to change.  While we need to love and help those caught in sin, we need to doubly love and help those who have been hurt by this sin.  My concern is that Christians are choosing the harm their abusers inflict over the love God has for them.  

     After months of difficulty with John, and then having him try to ruin our VBS and send me a hateful messsage, and I was at the end of my rope.  I felt the Lord leading me to let Him minister to me.  I needed some time to decompress from dealing with this.  Not only did John's hateful tactics take a lot out of me, but I was reminded of other times hurtful people tried to insert their abuse on me, especially on some past mission trips.  We forgive and move on in victory, and yet at times, they come back to us, and we need God's ministry to us all over.  Since last week, I have had vivid dreams about past hurtful things.  I needed some ministry to my heart, and God knew.  I took a drive out into the countryside.  Arkansas is beautiful, and I felt restored.  One church we partner with is out in the forest, and they keep it unlocked at all times so that people in the community can come in and pray whenever they need, so that is what I did.  I prayed in this beautiful church is the woods.  And as I did, I was reminded of God's victory.  That's another promise to believers.  First Corinthians 15:57 says, but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  We have His victory over evil people and behavior.  We have His forgiveness.  We have His plans for our lives.  Move forward in victory.  

Cindy's testimony on "The Beat with Allen Parr:" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOHr69429L4

From the Ashes

 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  John 12:24

     Have you ever had a dream that died?  Something so strongly on your heart, and it broke your heart that it didn't come true?  Sometimes, broken dreams are the things God's plans are made of! 

     Some of the biggest hurts in my life were church hurts.  I could tell a lot of stories I won't go into right now.  Stories of love and loss, acceptance of rejection, hope and despair, courage and fear.  I knew refuge from the harsh realities of the world, yet also experienced the worst of what these realities can bring.  I saw two churches I loved die, and the dear friends from those churches scattered in the different directions of God's guidance and the winds of history.  Some of them, I never saw again, and will miss them until the day we are reunited in Heaven.  Sometimes, I still dream about these churches, and my loved ones from those special times.  This is one of the reasons I love 80s and 90's worship music more than any other style, because it reminds me of those precious days when I was just learning to know God's will.  Yet there are some songs from that era I still cannot listen to without feeling great agony.  I think of skating parties, picnics, potlucks, youth group outings, plays and performances, Christmas caroling.  I think of laughing, anticipation, friendships, and learning about life.  I also think of hurts, some so unnecessary.  I think of lapses in right judgment among some that I trusted--forgivable, but devastating.  As Christians, we are told we will never fit in with this world, and we accept that.  But nobody ever prepares us for when we don't fit in at church.  Persecution from within.  And a part of me obsesses, longs to travel back in time and somehow undo the mistakes of the past--even when they weren't mine to begin with.  I try to control what was never in my power in the first place.  I react strongly and irrationally against situations that remind me of those losses.  In my heart, I'm fighting those long ago battles, hoping for a different outcome.  Do you ever do that?  

     And yet God never wastes a hurt.  The aches in my heart have served a purpose.  The fire they lit in me in another century is now coming to fruition at last.  The kernel of grain died long ago, but is finally bearing fruit!  

     I long to see dying churches revived, given another chance at life, the way I wish mine had.  I long to bring back laughter and joy to places that had all but given up.  I can still feel the past victories hanging in the air, and want to bring it all back.  For years, I have wondered if I was crazy, but just now, in our ministry, I am seeing God bring use out of this passion.  

     Two years ago, Walter and I met with Pastor Stan Payne at Roland Baptist Church in Roland, Arkansas.  This  little country church had seven members, all senior citizens.  When we shared what our ministry does, in partnering with churches to reach children with the Gospel, and then directing these children and their families into churches to find a church home, Pastor Stan actually cried, and said, "We need this!"  We started a weekly Good News Club in that church, and over the last two years, we have seen 12-15 elementary-aged children come each week.  They are fed a meal (which is initially always the draw!).  But many have come to salvation, and several have been baptized and joined this church.  We saw a whole family baptized together last year!  This little struggling church has tripled in size, and for the first time in 30 years, they have children's church on Sunday morning.  The four pictures directly below are signs of new life at Roland Baptist!

     Mabelvale Methodist Church (here in a part of Little Rock known as Mabelvale) was facing a slump of discouragement.  Their beautiful building was once full of families and growth, but was now dwindling, a ghost of its past glory.  When we reached out to Pastor Bob Marble, he excitedly agreed to partner with us.  We were able to do a Christmas and an Easter outreach at this church this past year.  We reached out to the families in the community.  A new family who just lost their wife/mother to death and were in desperate need of Christian fellowship came to an outreach we did, and after this, began attending the church!  God used these outreaches to start something!  God has plans at this precious church, as the pictures below of families at the outreaches show.

     Probably the most exciting story occurred at Wye Mountain Community Church, in a very rural part of our ministry area.  This tiny congregation only manages to stay afloat by doing a yearly daffodil festival for the community, that brings in revenue.  I have lived in Arkansas four years now, but hadn't yet attended the festival.  This year, the day before it started, I had a strong urging in my spirit that I needed to go to the festival a day early and check it out.  I didn't know why, but I couldn't shake this sense that I needed to get down there.  I took the 40-minute drive out into the beautiful countryside that always restores my soul.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I pulled up to Wye Mountain Community Church.  Talk to someone, the prompting in my heart grew.  I got out of the car and approached a man who was setting things up in front of the building.  Not sure what to say, I asked if he was the pastor.  He told me they hadn't had a pastor in a while, but he referred me to a woman who was more or less in charge of the festival.  I located her and introduced myself, explaining my ministry.  This sweet, beautiful woman beamed, and grabbed me into an unexpected hug.  "Not ten minutes ago, I asked the Lord to send someone to help us with our children's ministry!  We need children in this church!"  Thus began a friendship and partnership.  We helped them with an outreach, and saw four children come to salvation.  We did their VBS, and 9 children attended, with a few new children coming into the church Sundays!

     Seeing these old and dying churches reviving is a dream come true for me.  Redemption for my losses.  The passion had to be ignited long ago, so I could help them now.  This isn't about me.  It's about what God has been purposing to do.  He has me in this time and place to help them.  He used things that have been on my heart for decades to bring about victories now!  He does the same with all of us.  His plans arise out of the ashes of our losses and brokenness.  This is a biblical idea.

     In Genesis Abraham had a heart's desire that was God-given (Genesis chapters 12, 15, 18), and after years of disappointment (and even some disobedience on his part--Genesis 16), he saw God's fulfillment, which made the victory all the more amazing (Genesis 21).  He even faced a test of faith after this (Genesis 22).  He saw the death of his dream more than once, only to see it rise up again out of the ashes of disappointment. 

     A few generations later, Joseph had some dreams, again God-given (Genesis 37).  But it wasn't smooth sailing into fulfillment.  Joseph went through trial after trial--being sold as a slave, lied about, falsely jailed, forgotten.  In the midst of that, I wonder if he thought his long-ago dreams were just a fluke of his imagination.  And yet finally, he had his day.  Everything came together.  Everything that had happened to him added up only one way, and that led to his being put in the second-highest office in the country, and saving the world from famine (Genesis 41ff).  He had his dream come true, but God had to prepare the way for him before he got there.  Again, this is a picture of victory from defeat.  

     Simeon had a God-given desire to see the Messiah before he died (Luke 2:25-26).  It is implied he was quite elderly by the time he got to see baby Jesus (Luke 2:29-32).  Imagine his years of waiting, wondering if he had misheard God.  Would he ever see the Savior?  When it finally happened, he knew it, and he knew he had lived his purpose on this earth.  His soul must have soared with a lifetime of joy and fulfillment in God's will and leading.  

     Proverbs 13:19 says, A desire accomplished is sweet to the soul...  The verse I started with, John 12:24, echoes this sentiment, and enhances it by saying that when these desires die, they arise again to greater life.  If I had not had the losses and heartache of church hurt, I would have stayed who I was.  A nice person, happy at church, but with no greater realization about how to help others, and how to reach those I am now called to reach.  These victories would pass me by without my even knowing.  I never understood the why--and I still don't.  My experiences were life and joy--and humiliation and devastation.  I have lifelong friends because of those times, and also broken relationships that will never be restored until Heaven.  I have fun stories that still make me smile, and hurt feelings that still make me ache inside.  All of these things sat in my soul for years, being stirred slowly by the Lord.  They culminated to bring about these new victories.  He will do the same with your heartaches.  

      The victories--Abraham getting his promised son, Joseph becoming a world leader, me seeing these churches revived--isn't the real ending to the story.  Those are just the parts we can see.  In the process, God shaped these people's characters.  God has made me more like Jesus, and that is the real victory.  I imagine when we get to heaven, we will see even more than we know now--more victories that stem from our seeming defeats.  

     The greatest defeat in history happened on Good Friday, when it looked like Satan had won.  Jesus was dead.  What could come from it now?  And yet Easter morning tells the answer.  Resurrection.  Salvation.  Life from death.  

     If you are seeing death of dreams, take heart.  It may be Good Friday, but Easter is coming.  You will see victory.  Stay in the word until you see more light.  It might take years to see fulfillment--and to an extent, maybe none of us will see it in our lifetime, but God's comfort is there in the defeats, leading you onward to victory.  Don't give up!  

      If you are a Christian, your heart is that kernel of wheat.  God is doing something.  He is getting ready to reap a harvest.  Don't quit before the miracle!  The best is yet to come!

Homeschooled

     I just saw a pro-homeschooling FB post asking the question: "Does homeschooling make kids weird?"   It was a link to a very pro-homeschool article about how the stigma of homeschooling has changed for the better, but how some are still concerned about socialization.  The article attempted to answer the concerns.  Having been homeschooled in the 80s and 90s, when there was a lot of misunderstanding about it, and a lot of untrue stereotypes, it did affect me psychologically.   Here was my response in the comments (I know it is long for a comment.  Please excuse that it isn't divided into paragraphs):

My mother and me, 1991.  I was a preteen homeschooler, who was active in church, neighborhood and community, and my mom was loved by everyone in town.

     I am going to preface what I want to say by explaining that I was homeschooled in the 80s and 90s, and we fit in with our neighborhood friends, and were very much a part of the community.  We were the Christian family that everyone came to in crisis, and that was more our identity than being homeschooled.  After school hours and all day Saturdays, we were out riding bikes with neighbor kids.  We had a big swingset in the yard, and everyone loved coming over.  So we weren't abnormal. Our homeschool was registered as a Christian school through our church, with our pastor's wife as the principal and the moms as teachers, with several classes throughout the week.  We had good friends in this homeschool group, and they were also our church and AWANA friends, and we saw them several times a week. We had field trips, park days, skating rink parties, and yearbooks.   All that to say, we had a really good social circle.  My brother and I were on a bowling league in junior high, and my sister played soccer.  I babysat for families in the neighborhood and church.  I think we were very well-rounded.  But what always hurt me was when adults who disliked homeschooling would ask me (the child) and not my mom (the parent) how we were supposed to get social skills if our parents insisted on homeschooling us.  It humiliated me.  I felt like these adults were just telling me, "You're not normal.  Something is wrong with you."  It's inappropriate to put kids on the spot like that.  It's wrong to criticize a parent's choice to their children.   They should have been directing these questions to my parents.  Since homeschooling didn't have the acceptance back then that it does today, it affected me psychologically (not being homeschooled itself, but some of the fear and hostility about it back then).  Because it wasn't as openly accepted back then, and didn't have the protection it does now, all of us in our church school were taught to say we went to Corona Heights Christian School (the name of our school), and not readily disclose that we were homeschooled.  It wasn't a secret per se, but just not everyone else's business.   Because of that, to this day, I don't always share that I was homeschooled.  I'm not ashamed at all.  It's just a holdover from the 80s.  In my home state of California, homeschoolers don't list themselves as homeschoolers.  Families who do it independently might file as a private school with the state, or, some, like us, had a larger homeschool group that filed as a private school.  I share that to say that nowhere in my records or transcripts does it say I was homeschooled, and I'm still just kind of private about it.  When I went to Bible college, my profs didn't realize I had been homeschooled until halfway through my time there, and when they found out, they were shocked and said I didn’t act like other homeschoolers.  When I asked what they meant, they said, "You're actually punctual!"  The homeschoolers they'd had were always late and not used to needing to be in class on time.  This had given the staff at the college a bad impression of homeschoolers.  That's sad to me.  They believed homeschoolers were academically intelligent, and did well (the good part of the perception) but were always late.  I hope I helped balance out their perception on the negative part.  My son is in a Classical Christian school,  and I teach 1st grade there [in case you didn't know, I'm continuing with our ministry, and also taking on this position at Tommy's soon-to-be school this fall].  I take it a year at a time.  I'd be very open to homeschooling him.  Kind of a cool story.  I met Christian author Elaine Schulte in 1991 at a Christian bookstore, and she was super friendly and asked me about myself.  When she discovered I was homeschooled, she was very interested and asked all these questions.  It seemed like she wasn't familiar with homeschooling prior to our conversation.  Several months later, her next book came out, and it had a homeschooled character in it!  I always wondered if she got the idea from me!

The Ginger Trumbell series, by Elaine L. Schulte, a strongly Christian series.  The final book, Go for It! was about the homeschooled character, and it came out about eight months after our conversation at the bookstore.

     My comment aside, I think my parents did it right.  I had a well-rounded life.  I was ready to face the world when I hit adulthood, and was ready to succeed in college and career.  But most importantly, I was ready to seek the Lord's leading in my life, and listen for His voice to guide me every step.  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. (Psalm 32:8).

     Every family needs to do as the Holy Spirit leads.   Most importantly, as fellow Christians, we need to support each other, even if God has led us differently than He led someone else.  If someone is called to homeschool, family and friends should respect that.  If someone concludes the best thing for their family is private or public education, that should also be supported by friends and family. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. Romans 14:4. Everyone is accountable to God, not to you or me, for their decisions.  

     A friend once pointed out to me that parents are responsible for their children, regardless of what form of education they have.  Regardless of schooling, it is the parents' job to Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.  Proverbs 22:6.  Do as God leads you!  That's all any of us can do.

That I May Know Him

  I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. Psalm 37:25

     As I write this in 2024, I am not yet a senior citizen.  I consider myself middle-aged, though many in my age bracket resent the term.  I'm in my 40s.  My supposed generation (if you are into all that) is Xennial--we're not quite GenX nor are we quite Millennials.  We're right on the cusp of both, but don't really fit either.  We were 80's kids and 90's teenagers, and the very first adults of the 21st century.  Some would still consider me young, while others have gasped "You were born in the 1900's?  And you even went to high school in the 1900's?"  I embrace being middle-aged, and the very best thing about it is that faith has been tested, and passed the test.

     When I was in my 20's, faith was harder (not that it's simple now, but it is easier).  Back then, I think of how tight money was, and then my landlord would raise the rent.  Or my car would need a major repair I wasn't prepared for.  Or I would face severe opposition in my ministry--sometimes things I had no frame of reference for.  Other times, I faced rejection, and didn't know how to take it or move on from it.  Do similar things happen now?  Yes!  But I learned a lot from the early versions of these problems.  

     Wrestling with these circumstances left me with questions.  Was God enough for me?  Could I count on Him to come through?  Would He do what He said He would?  Was that still, small voice in my heart really the Holy Spirit guiding me, as I believed (and still believe), or was it just my own imagination, as several zealous followers of a certain San Fernando Valley theologian claimed?  I was given so much to wade through and wrestle with.  I chose to live by faith, because I figured that if I erred, I'd rather err on the side of trusting God.  If I was abdicating my own responsibility in any way, I figured God would show me this, and at least honor the fact that I was trying to obey Him.  I thought this was better than erring on the side of doing it all myself.  As a result of this choice of faith, I have so much to look back on from times God came through for me, met my needs, provided, and ministered to me. 

     When I think of myself in my 20's, I think of one of my heroes of the faith, Brother Andrew (1928-2022), who smuggled Bibles into the Soviet Union during the Cold War, and later ministered to Christians in Islamic nations.  In his 1964 book God's Smuggler (which is one of my favorite books), he talks about a time in his young adult life, when he was attending a missionary school in Scotland.  He was wrestling with some of the things I did in my 20's.  How seriously could he take God?  He was already saved, so these weren't salvation questions, but he wondered, was living out his Christian life just a set of rules to be followed until he got to Heaven, or was it more than that?  Was God a real Person who wanted an intimate relationship with him in the day to day stuff?  Did God really guide and provide, or was that his responsibility?  Was the prompting in his heart God, or himself?  Have you ever asked yourself these questions?  

     Andrew called this time of wrestling "The Game of the Royal Way" because God is our king, and when God led and provided, He did it in a kingly way.  In his "Game of the Royal Way" Andrew faced several tests in which he had to trust God's provision and guidance, or all would have been lost.  In one instance, he and some friends from missionary college were out doing evangelism throughout Scotland.  They promised the students they were evangelizing that if they came the next day, they would serve them refreshments.   But there was a problem.  They didn't have any food, nor did they have the needed money to buy it, but in the mail that very day, Andrew received a package with a beautiful chocolate cake in it, just the right size to serve to their guests.  Another time, Andrew needed stamps to mail a letter to the British labor union, or order to remain in the UK to continue his time at the school.  He took the problem to God, and told God that if He didn't provide the money to buy the stamps, he would know it was His will for him to return to his previous job.  At the very last minute, Andrew was given a letter from a friend, and inside was enough money to buy the needed stamps.  This time of testing and wrestling became the basis for how Andrew did his ministry.  He had tested his faith, and passed.  

     My young adult life faced similar tests.  I'll never forget the time a friend of mine was going on a "secret" mission trip to China.  She sent out support letters, and I knew in my heart God wanted me to send her my last $20.  That's how broke I was.  My bills were all paid, I had the gasoline to get where I needed for the week, I mostly had food, and I got my next paycheck pretty soon, but I really needed that $20 to get me through that week, especially with a few extra groceries.  "Okay, Lord," I said.  "I'll send her the $20, but You know I need it.  If this is your will, please pay me back."  And I mailed my friend the $20.  The next day in the mail, my old youth pastor from high school had sent me a letter with a gift card to Albertsons (the grocery store around the corner from my apartment), and a note, saying God had led him to send this to me.  The gift card was for $20.  On top of that, my friend "illegally" but God-honoringly led a Chinese college student to the Lord during the trip.  

     Another time, my car was at the very end of its rope.  I was driving to meet a friend for lunch, and about a mile from the restaurant, the car breathed its last and broke down.  But it broke down right beside a mechanic shop.  What are the odds?  I had a feeling God was in this, so I cruised the dying car into the driveway and dropped it off with the manager.  He promised to look at it.  Well, that was one problem solved, but how would I get to my friend for lunch?  This was before cell phones were terribly common (I had an emergency one, but she and I didn't call each other on cell phones).  How would I get word to her that I would be late?  I looked up just then, and a bus was pulling up right at the curb!  I ran to it, hopped on, and paid the fee that would take me a mile up the road, to our restaurant, right on time.  But it gets better.

     As I hopped off the bus, my friend was pulling up, and I told her what was going on.  She promised to drive me back to the mechanic after lunch.  While we were eating, I got a call on my emergency cell from the shop, saying my car was beyond repair.  Well, at least I didn't have to pay for a repair...but what would I do?  I needed a car.  My friend told me her husband bought cars for scrap.  We called him, and he said that he would give me $100 more than the junkyard would offer me, so I called the junkyard, and found out what their price was, then called my friend's husband back.  This was all great, but still, what would I do about getting a vehicle?  

     Within minutes, my emergency cell rang again, and it was a relative, who knew nothing about my situation.  She offered to give me her extra car, because they were downsizing and only wanted one car!  The verse that kept going through my mind in all of this was Isaiah 55:12, For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.  God was on my side, and everything was working out!  I was able to get this vehicle, register it in my name, and felt great...for a few days.  

     On my way home from work the next week, someone ran a stoplight and T-boned me, totaling both of our cars!  No one was hurt, but I thought, God, what's going on?  You gave me this vehicle miraculously!  Why did this have to happen?  But there was a blessing.  Because it was totaled, I was given a check from the other driver's insurance to buy another vehicle, and I was able to get one that was even better, and lasted longer than the first one would have!  God used that experience to provide and reveal Himself to me!   And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

     With these (and many more) experiences behind me in my life, I have come to know God through living out the Christian life, and seeing His care, provision, and guidance.  It's like Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10, That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death. I know Jesus through having had some of these difficulties that He helped me through.  But also, as Paul wrote a few verses later (12), Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.  I haven't arrived, nor will I until Heaven, but I can look back on God's faithfulness in my life, and can be encouraged when things happen now.  When I compare the worry and dread I felt 20+ years ago to the confidence I feel now when uncertainties happen, I know God has taught me through the school of life.  These truths I had learned from the Bible weren't just for Moses, or David, or the Apostle Paul.  They're for me!  And for you!  And every believer!

Reflectively looking out at the ocean in my early 30's, photo taken by my husband Walter

     Did people in the Bible have these kinds of things to look back on?  Think of the children of Israel, how God delivered them from Egypt, parted the Red Sea for them but drowned their enemies, provided food and water in the desert, didn't let their clothes or shoes wear out...those are all things they could look back on and remember God's faithfulness to them.  In First Samuel 17, young David remembered how God had helped him defeat a lion and bear, and as a result, trusted God to help him defeat Goliath.  The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine. (verse 37).  Our experiences with the Lord build that trust in Him.  God is no longer just a theological concept, but our very real Father, active in our world and lives.  His Holy Spirit in  the hearts of His children gives us the guidance and faith we need.  

     What are some experiences you've had that taught you faith in God?  How has your faith become sight (in a sense) through these circumstances?  

     I will close with First Peter 1:7, which speaks of this.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 

Chemistry

      Have you ever met someone and you just clicked?  Things they said resounded with you, and vice versa.  You shared a good rapport.  With some people, you just have good chemistry.  

     First Samuel 18:1 recounts, After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.  Their friendship and loyalty are reiterated in further passages.  While some have read homosexuality into this, I believe that is poor scholarship, and there is quite enough evidence that David liked women.  I believe this verse just shares how David and Jonathan met and become fast friends. 

      I remember meeting my friend Jill the day we arrived at ministry institute years ago.  As soon as we met that first day as we unpacked in our dorms, it was as if we just connected, and the friendship thrived our entire time there.  We were instant best friends.  I think that's what David and Jonathan experienced.  Jill and I were very good friends as young college students and starting out in ministry, and our friendship flourishes today (though she's in Illinois and I'm in Arkansa, so we don't get to see each other in person often).  Some people are just on your wavelength.  Jill is certainly not the only person in my life with whom I have shared this connection.  She's just the first example I used.  

Jill and Janelle at Institute, 2002

     Chemistry can be completely platonic, as in the examples I've already shared, but they can be romantic, or even seem romantic when they really aren't.  I had a few boyfriends prior to meeting my husband, and with two in particular, there was a strong, almost overpowering chemistry, which made it hard to let these relationships go.  We shared that strong David-and-Jonathan rapport, on top of a romantic attraction.  That's powerful stuff.  That's partly why ending relationships--romantic as well as friendships--is so hard.  When your soul has collided with someone else's, its hard to disconnect.  When a relationship needs to end (such as the boyfriends I didn't end up married to, or past friendships that were unhealthy), only God can help us to move on.  

     When I met my husband Walter at a party, we started talking, and suddenly looked up and four hours had passed and the party was over!  The chemistry between us kept us engaged, and we didn't even notice the passing of time or what was going on around us!  I love that story!  A few nights later, he called me, and we talked three hours, and only ended the call because I had to work in the morning and needed to get some sleep!  Our first date (a few days after the call), we talked in a restaurant until it was closing time and the manager had to nicely ask us to leave.  We then continued the conversation in the car.  We just had that chemistry.  That connection.  We still do.  We talk at night, and it's hard to tear ourselves away and go to bed.  He is truly my best friend, and I love that.  

A recent picture of us

     In solid friendships and a healthy marriage, chemistry is a gift form God.  It certainly was for David and Jonathan's friendship.  But chemistry alone can deceive in the wrong situations.  What if you met someone besides your spouse that you felt a chemistry with?  Some people have taken this as a reason to divorce their spouse and go with this new person, which is clearly not godly or biblical.  This is why people hold onto their high school sweetheart in their mind as "the one who got away" and fantasize about this person, instead of moving forward in life.  They might marry someone else, but they kind of hold onto this past relationship, remembering and reliving the chemistry, and maybe even spying on them online to see where they are now.  We often act as if this chemistry we feel with someone is the determination of truth, or more powerful than our choices or ability to do right.  A person may use this as a reason not to deny themselves, taken up their crosses, and follow Jesus (Matthew 16:24).  The Bible is clear that we are to move forward.  Philippians 3;13 urges, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.  Sometimes, people are in your past and not your present for a reason.  A really good Christian movie about this topic is the 2008 film Me & You, Us, Forever.  I'll put a link to watch the movie free online at the end, if you're interested.  

     What if your chemistry with an unhealthy friend who is bringing you down causes you to remain in the friendship, and leads you to bad places?  I believe chemistry can happen with anyone, but people misread it.  I have known of people who were in heterosexual marriages, but met a friend of the same sex they shared a deep chemistry with, and they decided they must be gay and left their marriage to be with this friend.  Chemistry doesn't mean sexual desire, though in a biblical marriage, it can certainly be part of that.  Chemistry doesn't mean your connection to the person is right or good, nor does it mean it is necessarily wrong.  It's what you do with it.  Chemistry has led to lifelong friendships, beautiful marriages, and close families.  It has also led to extramarital affairs, codependency, dysfunction, experimenting with unbiblical relationships, and teachers and students having inappropriate relationships.  Be wise.  Be guided by the Holy Spirit.  Just because there's chemistry doesn't mean the connection is of God, or right for you.  

     God knows we need friendships.  God knows we need chemistry with other people.  He designed that, and we can trust Him to bring us those relationships that He knows we need.  Philippians 4:19 promises, But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  If God has removed a relationship from your life, it may be because He knows it isn't the best for you anymore.  

     Years ago, I had a mentor who was used miraculously of God in my life.  I loved her, and would have done anything she said.  I'm not usually very easy to control or sway, but the chemistry I shared with this wiser woman had a lot of power over me.  I'm ashamed of that now.  For a long time, the relationship was godly, and Christ-honoring.  I learned and grew so much, and I wouldn't be where I am now without that time being mentored by her.  But there came a point when this woman started making unbiblical choices.  I was very uncomfortable, but I didn't have the strength to confront her, because of that hold she had on me.  I eventually did speak the truth to her, but it took a long time, and was very hard, because the chemistry between us kept me at a place where I didn't want to offend her and I let that outweigh what was right.  Eventually, this woman went too far, and crossed too many personal boundaries with me, and my husband had to help me expel her from my life.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.  That chemistry between us had become an idol to me, to the point that I wasn't able to do what was right without help.  I repented of this, and continue to grow.  But this experience shows me just how powerful chemistry can be.  

     A few years before I met my husband, I found myself sharing an intense chemistry with a male in my life.  He would have been 100% wrong for me to get involved with, but that chemistry was powerful, and it was really hard for me to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Jesus--but He gave me the strength to do right in that case.  I didn't fail that test, thankfully.  Chemistry is powerful, oh so powerful!  

     The opening song in one of my favorite movies, Back to the Future is called The Power of Love.  I'm just going to use it as an example, because it is one of billions of songs that claims to be about love.  The lyrics appear to be describing chemistry more than actual love, and this is a common theme.  Observe a few of these lyrics: The power of love is a curious thing.  Make one man weep, make another man sing.  Change a hawk to a little white dove.  More than a feeling, that's the power of love...It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes.  That's the power of love... This is just one of unlimited songs about these emotions we call love--but it's really more chemistry than love.  What is love?  

     While true love may include chemistry with the one you love, the characteristics of love are much more enduring than the lyrics we read above.  Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (First Corinthians 13:4-8a).  Take time to read that list slowly, considering what it really means.  If you love someone, you are patient and kind, and want what is best for them.  You want them to do right, and are committed to their wellbeing, even if that means staying away from them.  You care about their relationship with the Lord.  You are grieved when they sin, and rejoice when they are right with God.   Jesus Himself said in John 15:13, Greater love hath no man than this, than a man lay his life for his friends.  It is putting someone else's needs ahead of your own.  This is a far cry from the obsessiveness chemistry can bring.  If I really loved my long-ago mentor in God's way, I would have told her that what she was doing was sin, regardless of the consequences, and I would have done what I could to point her back to righteousness.  The truth would have had more power over me than our chemistry.  That is convicting to me now.

     Chemistry is not bad.  It is beautiful and wonderful.  It adds a dimension to relationships.  Never feel ashamed for feeling a chemistry with someone.  It doesn't mean you're sick or crazy.  But it also doesn't mean you should follow-up on it.  If a married man attends his high school reunion and runs into his old girlfriend, who is also now married, and feels all that old chemistry come back, it isn't wrong for that chemistry to exist, but it would be wrong to dwell there, or invest in it.  If two close friends have such a deep chemistry that they become dysfunctional and enmeshed, it wasn't a sin that they had that chemistry and propensity for closeness, but it is a sin to allow these unhealthy patterns.  If a twenty-something high school teacher feels a chemistry with a teenage student, it isn't wrong to feel that--but it WOULD be wrong to do something with that!  The relationship needs to remain that of a professional teacher-to-student relationship, nothing more.  In all these cases, the feelings might be real, but it would be wrong to act on them, or indulge them in any way.  That is true of any number or relationships.  If you feel a chemistry with someone, and that relationship isn't God's will, shrug it off.  It's real (don't pretend it isn't, because that doesn't help you put it behind you), but that chemistry isn't a determiner of the truth.  Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Jesus in your relationships.  Don't be deceived by chemistry.  Let Jesus show you how to demonstrate real love with those He brings to you.  

Watch the Christian movie Me & You, Us, Forever here.

Subjective

     It was over between them.  The relationship she had thought would result in marriage had ended, and her heart was broken.  

     She missed him so much, and wondered if there was some way God could bring them back together.  Was this breakup just temporary? she wondered as she fingered the special keychain he had given her.  He had the same keychain, and it always felt like a link between them when they were apart.  Now, it felt like all she had left.  But no, this breakup was for the best, wasn't it?  She needed to move on, right?  She purposely left the keychain in her dorm room at the college when she left to fly home, knowing she would never see it again.  To her surprise, two weeks later, one of the profs was in the area and made a point to stop and see her.  He told her, "You left this at the school," and handed her the keychain that was a symbol of that relationship.  Was God bringing it back to her against all odds in order to have her hold out for him?  She tested in a few more times, leaving it in odd places, and in every instance, it was amazingly brought back to her.  This did a number on her heart, and she began to wonder if maybe this boyfriend would be back.  Was God using this keychain to tell her something?  

     Megan* was unsatisfied in her job and life in Los Angeles.  God had to have more than this for her, didn't He?  As she was considering this, she noticed several cars around her on the freeway that day with Oregon license plates.  Hmm.  That's interesting.  She had always wanted to go to Oregon.  Was this a sign?  The next day, it happened again.  She saw several Oregon license plates on her way to work.  Was God urging her to uproot and move?  

      Susan* was a Christian.  She had promised herself she would never marry a man who didn't share her faith in Jesus.  And yet she had fallen in love with an Orthodox Jew.  He was a kind, good man, who believed in God and loved her.  But he didn't embrace Jesus as the promised Messiah, and that was the deal-breaker.  Right?  While she was wrestling with this, a friend who lived 100 miles away surprised her by showing up late one night.  This friend claimed God had given a vision for Susan, and the friend had gotten on the next train out to share it.  Allegedly, God had told this friend to tell her that she should marry this Jewish man, because they both believed in God and that was good enough if they really loved each other.  Taking this as a divine word from the Lord, Susan went ahead and married this man she loved.  From the account of the story, they were happy together, and agreed to disagree about their faith.  But what's wrong with this scenario?  

     In 1820, a fourteen-year-old boy named Joseph Smith claimed to have been visited by God the Father and Jesus, who told him not to join any of the local churches, but to restore the true gospel.  This vision is the foundation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or the Mormon church.  In fact, much of their religion rests of subjective experiences that can't be proven or disproven, such as determining truth through a burning in the bosom.  

     

     What are Christians supposed to do with subjective experiences?  The first two examples I gave were interesting occurrences, that may or may not be God's way of communicating something, but the second two were directly against God's word.  All four examples are missing something.  I repeat, what do we do with people's stories and testimonies that don't quite add up biblically?  

     The first story, about the keychain, was my story.  For a few weeks, it seemed like I couldn't get rid of that keychain.  I started referring to it as a boomerang, because it kept coming back to me, making me wonder if this past boyfriend were going to be back in my life.  It was interesting, and I can't account for all the odd ways it seemed to come back.  However, it got to the point where I was using it as a crystal ball, instead of trusting God Himself with my future.  When I realized this, I threw the keychain into the Pacific Ocean, and that time, it never came back.  

     Some look at stories and take them as pure gospel, changing their lives and beliefs to align with them.  They do this at the expense of all other beliefs, including biblical truth that might oppose their experience.  This is dangerous to base your life and decisions on something subjective.  Experiences do teach us things.  But we need to know how to rightly interpret them.  Second Timothy 2:15 says, Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.  We need to decide before anything ever happens that we believe God's word to be the ultimate truth, and reject anything that goes against it.  We also need to be so aligned with God's word (which requires time, study and dedication) that when we do have a subjective experience, we know how to interpret it in light of what the Bible says.  Believers who are studied up in God's word know that Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light (Second Corinthians 11:14), and that he can mislead and deceive.  This is why we just can't believe something we think we're being told by some subjective feeling or experience.  The enemy knows how to attack.  It is also important to realize that when God guides us, He very well may use these types of subjective experiences, but He will do so in conjunction with His word, spiritually-led believers in your life, and what the Holy Spirit is impressing on you as you pray and seek Him.  When all of these things line up, your subjective experience is probably of the Lord.  

     Others go to the opposite extreme of saying, "If it isn't printed in the Bible, it isn't true and we don't believe it."  These people not only don't fall for untrue messages associated with subjective experiences, but they deny them altogether, even when they align with the Bible.  While I respect their desire to stay with the Bible, I find people who say this often deny the work and power of the Holy Spirit to work in our lives today.  

     People in the Bible had these experiences of hearing from God and experiencing supernatural guidance.  It would take a long time to look at every example, but let's just examine a few.  He spoke to Noah and told him to build the ark (Genesis 6:13ff).  He spoke to Abram (later Abraham) and led him out of his land, and gave him the promise (Genesis 12:1-3).  He very specifically guided Abraham's servant in finding a wife for Isaac (Genesis 24), including several things that would have been pretty strong coincidences without God's involvement.  One of my favorite examples is Elijah, in First Kings 17-19.  God spoke to him and through him, and guided him.  If God did this for these biblical believers, why not us today?  It is vital to note that He will never lead us against His written word, but within obedience to the Bible, the Holy Spirit can propel us into any number of directions.  His plans for me are different than His plans for you, but we're guided by the same Spirit, and will always align with the Bible.  In the Bible, when God spoke to people, they knew it was Him, and we really do too, when we're honest with ourselves.  

     Subjective experiences can't be our main source of truth, even if they are of God.  They need to be subservient to the Bible.  Even when something is real and true, it is easy to doubt it.  Gideon had that problem.  In Judges 6, Gideon asked God for a sign that he would win the battle.  He left a fleece out and asked that it would be wet with dew the next day, but the ground around it would be dry...and God honored his prayer.  It was exactly as Gideon had prayed.  But then Gideon wanted further confirmation, and asked for the reverse to be true the next day, dry fleece and wet ground. Again, it happened as he prayed.  God was at work, and He gave Gideon these signs, as He sometimes does for us, but He also knew that the sign in and of itself isn't enough.  It never is.  Having subjective experiences can encourage our faith, but our faith can't rest 100% in them.  These things can support what God is saying to us in the Bible, and we can think of those things when we need the faith boost, but by themselves, they're not the lens by which we should look at reality.  Our faith needs to rest in God, not His signs.  God tells us what He wants us to know about Him in the Bible, and that is the lens by which we need to look at everything that happens to us.  There are many apologetic reasons to believe in the Bible (which is an entirely other subject).  

     More than once, the Bible warns us not to be deceived (Matthew 4:24, First Corinthians 15:33, Galatians 6:7, Second Thessalonians 2:3).  It is your responsibility to avoid deception.  The best way to do that is to already know God's word, be dedicated to obeying and following it.  

     When I had that boomerang keychain that I eventually threw into the ocean, I was in deep grief over a broken relationship, and I was in what psychologists call the bargaining stage of that grief.  I was looking for a reason to believe there might be restoration, and chose to view that keychain as a sign...but it wasn't.  It didn't line up with the truth of the sitaution at all, and I eventually felt free hurling it into the ocean.  When Megan saw all those Oregon license plates, God may or may not have been using that to confirm a need to move, but she needed more time to seek God and His will for her life.  When Susan's friend felt compelled to take the train 100 miles to tell her to marry her unsaved boyfriend, she should have immediately looked to God's word, and thrown that out as deception.  As for Joseph Smith's 1820 revelation, anyone who considers that should also consider that everything he said and did in crafting his so-called restored church went against the Bible, and it should also be thrown out as a deception.  Just because someone has (or claims to have) an amazing experience doesn't mean it's true, or that the person interpreted it correctly.  

     Don't be deceived...read the Bible, and when you are doing so, the Holy Spirit in your heart, who knows the mind of God for you, can give you the guidance and direction you need!